female only Marriage Problems 2 Mo. Out

[TurnThePage 220]

I second ARTS advice that the year after WLS is a very bad time to make any other major life changes. Hormones are rampaging and you are processing a lifetime of feelings about your self image. You are feeling a new sense of empowerment from taking control of your life. That confidence feels good and is attractive to others. In that context, is it any wonder that you would be flattered and tempted by the attentions of a new, interesting man?

Another line of thought... Should you decide to pull up stakes and start a new life with this other man, how long do you think it would be before you began wondering if he was having an emotional fling with yet another woman? These things are very rarely isolated incidents. Would you be willing to risk a second divorce in your late 50s or 60s?

Might be a good time to switch to another therapist and get a different perspective if you are not making progress after three months. If nothing else, it would be a reality check.

[krislaw33 25]

My advice is this.... Cut this guy out of your life completely. I don't care how financially difficult it may be. Imagine the financial difficulties you will have after a divorce. You cannot move on and get over this guy with him still in your life. Right now you are vulnerable and he is also by going through a divorce. It's exciting and new and I'm sure the new attention is flattering but this is clouding your judgement. If he is doing this to his wife don't think for a minute he wouldn't do it to you also. You are going to continue to be unhappy with your husband as long as your comparing him to this guy and I'm sure you have built this guy up in your head and put him on a pedestal, over looked his flaws because it's new and exciting. You are picturing a fantasy life with this guy when in reality if you lived with him he probably snores, farts a lot, doesn't help with the housework, is working all the time, has spoiled brat children and a crazy mother, and an ex wife who took all his money! Just something's to think about.

I completely understand what your saying about cutting him out of my life but that is just not possible. Futhermore, I have worked with this guy before and have obstained from having any relationship with him other than friendship or business so I'm pretty sure I can do it again. I think all of this went down at just the right time. My father had just passed away, I was dealing with caring for my mother and to top it all off I had WLS. I'm not saying he took advantage of me. No one can be taken advantage of unless they allow it. Your right, I have overlooked his flaws because all of this was new and exciting to me. He gave me what I was not getting at home.

[Madam Reverie 2,958]

Are you a therapist? If not you should be. You gave some good, sound, solid advise and really made me question this other man's motives as far as being a distraction to him. It makes sense the more and more I think about it. What makes me question him is that in one breath he tells me how important our relationship is to him and in another breath says he wants me to work on my marriage. WTF? Talk about mixed signals. Just never made sense to me. Now after taking in comments and suggestions from everyone who responded things are starting to become a little more clear. I'm not saying this other guy is a bad person. What I am saying is that I obviously have a trust issue with him and quite honestly I always have considering I do know about a relationship he had with another woman that he worked with previously. Don't asked me why I overlooked that. Blinded by lust I guess. My point is, is that I have always trusted my husband and I know he would never step out on me regardless of how tempted he is. Regardless of how I feel about my relationship with this man I can't trust him and if I can't trust him there will be no future with him.

I'm glad that what I said resonated with you. Clearly you have looked at all the angles objectively and have identified both his and your vulnerabilities - which is key. From what you've said - he doesn't know what he wants and has little left to risk. The risk would appear to be all yours with little identifiable benefit long-term.

In this period of great emotional instability, you've been brave enough to admit your temporary lapse of judgement. That takes guts. No one is perfect. Everyone makes 'boo-boo's' from time to time, but on balance - this is not a deal-breaking 'boo-boo'. You have stopped it before it got out of hand.

I have no doubt that from this point onwards, you will find the strength to maintain your professional integrity by continuing to 'get the job done' and outside of this, zone this chap out of your life in preference to working on you, your relationship with your husband and enjoying 'home'.

Walking away with dignity takes strength and courage. Working towards a better future for you and your family takes a lot of the same, mixed up with big bubbles of love. Its going to take a fair amount of self control to walk away from this salacious, but temporary excitement.

I just hope that when you do start to zone this guy out, he doesn't then do the age-old thing of suddenly becoming incredibly interested in pursuing you. I hope, he'll recognise that you're the one in the driving seat, you have more to lose and that you've decided to protect your own interests and leave you be.

I hope he is decent enough to do that for you.

If he doesn't, be strong enough to tell him straight - that the risk just isn't worth the reward. Which, by the sounds of it, it really isn't. Additionally, if he doesn't - it will be a fairly clear identifier as to his primary motives and his level of respect for you....

You're a good lady. I wish you much strength, courage and luck x

[Fluffnomore 1,235]

Good for you, Kris. You can do this. I'm so glad you see the underlying lack of trust issue too…because I believe that is the reason you haven't left your husband. If you were completely caught up in the hormones (so hard not to do!) you might have already made a decision you would regret.

Let us know if you need support. Bravo for reaching out.

[2Big2Skate 328]

I completely understand what your saying about cutting him out of my life but that is just not possible. Futhermore, I have worked with this guy before and have obstained from having any relationship with him other than friendship or business so I'm pretty sure I can do it again. I think all of this went down at just the right time. My father had just passed away, I was dealing with caring for my mother and to top it all off I had WLS. I'm not saying he took advantage of me. No one can be taken advantage of unless they allow it. Your right, I have overlooked his flaws because all of this was new and exciting to me. He gave me what I was not getting at home.

I don't mean to sound judgy, but you need to question your assumption that you can handle living with this temptation. A few kisses are not 'nothing'. And being pretty sure you can stay platonic with the guy is dancing too close to the fire in my humble opinion. Trust is a like a prized christmas tree ornament, its too fragile to play with carelessly, and too valuable to replace. There is no amount of money that will ever restore the closeness and love you have with your husband.

I agree with the posters who say FLEE from temptation. Get far far away! Your marriage is wonderful. So many people never get that. Protect it with everything you have! I know it won't be easy for you, and I wish you the very best.

[krislaw33 25]

I'm glad that what I said resonated with you. Clearly you have looked at all the angles objectively and have identified both his and your vulnerabilities - which is key. From what you've said - he doesn't know what he wants and has little left to risk. The risk would appear to be all yours with little identifiable benefit long-term.

In this period of great emotional instability, you've been brave enough to admit your temporary lapse of judgement. That takes guts. No one is perfect. Everyone makes 'boo-boo's' from time to time, but on balance - this is not a deal-breaking 'boo-boo'. You have stopped it before it got out of hand.

I have no doubt that from this point onwards, you will find the strength to maintain your professional integrity by continuing to 'get the job done' and outside of this, zone this chap out of your life in preference to working on you, your relationship with your husband and enjoying 'home'.

Walking away with dignity takes strength and courage. Working towards a better future for you and your family takes a lot of the same, mixed up with big bubbles of love. Its going to take a fair amount of self control to walk away from this salacious, but temporary excitement.

I just hope that when you do start to zone this guy out, he doesn't then do the age-old thing of suddenly becoming incredibly interested in pursuing you. I hope, he'll recognise that you're the one in the driving seat, you have more to lose and that you've decided to protect your own interests and leave you be.

I hope he is decent enough to do that for you.

If he doesn't, be strong enough to tell him straight - that the risk just isn't worth the reward. Which, by the sounds of it, it really isn't. Additionally, if he doesn't - it will be a fairly clear identifier as to his primary motives and his level of respect for you....

You're a good lady. I wish you much strength, courage and luck x

Thanks for all your help and guidance in this tough situation. I should have saved myself a shit ton of $$ on my worthless therapist and came to you for help. You have empowered me more in just a few paragraphs than she has in the last 3 months.

[mitz 221]

Not worth the time to comment on

[DirtyHarriett 94]

I am sitting here reading this and thinking of my dear friend who was in a similar situation and wishing I had offered the same excellent advice you are receiving here...

What a wonderful support group, in my opinion offering excellent advice.

With your newfound energy and renewed sense of self, invest some time in your marriage. Plan a weekend away in a romantic setting. Focus on where you are, how you got there, and the success of your family. You may be amazed how easy it is to rejuvenate a sleepy, yet functional, marriage with a night at a hotel, some good wine, a long conversation over a meal and pillow talk. Do remember that he was your friend before he became your husband and the father to your children. Take the time to go back to where your relationship started.

Best of luck to you and your family. I am so happy for your personal success and wish you much luck in your future. Your family is worth whatever effort you put into it...

All you advice givers are amazing!

[Nicolanz 1,484]

I agree with everyone here. It sounds like your husband has been faithfully married to you for 21 years. Show him a little respect. I would be utterly devastated if I found out my husband was giving" just a few kisses" to another woman.

[krislaw33 25]

I am sitting here reading this and thinking of my dear friend who was in a similar situation and wishing I had offered the same excellent advice you are receiving here...

What a wonderful support group, in my opinion offering excellent advice.

With your newfound energy and renewed sense of self, invest some time in your marriage. Plan a weekend away in a romantic setting. Focus on where you are, how you got there, and the success of your family. You may be amazed how easy it is to rejuvenate a sleepy, yet functional, marriage with a night at a hotel, some good wine, a long conversation over a meal and pillow talk. Do remember that he was your friend before he became your husband and the father to your children. Take the time to go back to where your relationship started.

Best of luck to you and your family. I am so happy for your personal success and wish you much luck in your future. Your family is worth whatever effort you put into it...

All you advice givers are amazing!

Thanks for the support. I agree with you about all the good advise that everyone has given, including yourself. As for the ones who pass judgement, I understand how easy it is to do but walk a mile in someones shoes. Then and only then you may judge what they are going thru. Until then, people need to keep their negative comments to themselves. I'm all about being direct and I welcome any suggestions that are constructive. The ones that are not, I choose to ignore so they need not waste their time or mine.

[Ms.AntiBand 2,984]

Wow.. It's hard to comment. I do agree with everyone who thinks you need to distance yourself though. A few years back I was in the same situation. The guy was 20 years younger than me. We became best friends and sooooo close. For 8+ years we were BFFs and my marriage paid a price for it. Luckily, I had an epiphany and closed that chapter of my life.

As I look back I wish I never wasted my years (and part of my marriage) on the greener grass.. The thrill of the bad boy, the forbidden fruit etc..

[Madam Reverie 2,958]

Thanks for all your help and guidance in this tough situation. I should have saved myself a **** ton of $$ on my worthless therapist and came to you for help. You have empowered me more in just a few paragraphs than she has in the last 3 months.

Aww, darlin', you're more than welcome. Any time. Any time at all x

[sapMegan 79]

Can you pass the client off to someone else you work with? You need to separate yourself from this man and start putting the energy you were spending on him into your HUSBAND. Go on dates, talk every night before bed, go to bed at the same time, go take a trip together. Go to HIM with things that you are worried about or excited about. By bringing this other man in you are pushing your husband out.

I've been on the other side of infidelity, it is nothing but selfish and it will DESTROY your husband.

Work to love HIM again, if you can't get a divorce THEN pursue the other guy. That simple.

[SueRN 50]

Different perspective, life is short, are you truly happy in your marriage or have you settled for less than you deserve? I agree work on you marriage, you invested a lot of time and energy into it and have children and a family. Those are not things to throw away lightly. Tell your husband what you need. Clearly something is missing. He'll either step up or not, But if both of you aren't willing to make your relationship into what you both need, owell then isn't moving on better than hanging on to a relationship that isn't fulfilling? You may find what you want right at home or may find its time to move on.

[krislaw33 25]

Different perspective, life is short, are you truly happy in your marriage or have you settled for less than you deserve? I agree work on you marriage, you invested a lot of time and energy into it and have children and a family. Those are not things to throw away lightly. Tell your husband what you need. Clearly something is missing. He'll either step up or not, But if both of you aren't willing to make your relationship into what you both need, owell then isn't moving on better than hanging on to a relationship that isn't fulfilling? You may find what you want right at home or may find its time to move on.

Thanks for seeing both sides of the coin. I do want to work it out with my husband. I wouldn't be going therapy if I didn't. I wouldn't be reaching out for advise if I didn't. We have opened up the lines of communication and have been really talking more about us, the problems we are having and how we are going to work thru them. I am hopeful that we can get thru this and have a stronger marriage because of it.

As for the other guy, I haven't talked to him yet about all this. I've taken the last 4 days off work to give me some distance from him. When I see him again I'm going to tell him that our relationship has to be strictly business and business only. I thought I could be his friend but I don't think that is possible. I am a one woman operation so leaving my client isn't an option. I'm just going to have to maintain a relationship with him that is comfortable to me, regardless of how he feels. Hopefully, if he cares about me as much as he says he does he will respect my decision.

In the mean time, I am sort of going thru a journey of self discovery. I told my husband I need the space to discover the things in life that truly make me happy and encouraged him to do the same. Then when we do spend time together it will make it extra special because we can share all these experiences with each other. My hope is to do some of these things together and if not, we are ok with pursuing our own interests. If for some reason or another things don't work between the two of us I will be able to move on knowing I did my best to try to save my marriage. If the other man is still around and I am available and so is he, well then it was meant to be.