female only Marriage Problems 2 Mo. Out

[krislaw33 25]

My husband and I have been married 21 yrs, together 23 yrs. Our kids are 16 and 20 both still living at home. I actually started this journey in Oct. 2012 at 242 lbs. but I aquired a big client for my business and had to put surgery on the back burner till after the first of the year. My dad passed away in June and for some reason it made me take a good hard look at my life, health and appearance. I went back to my Dr. shortly after and re-started the process for VSG and had surgery in Sept. I lost 25 lbs. from Oct. of the previous year so I was 218 the day of surgery. My husband was against it at first but when he realized I was going ahead with it, with or without his support, he changed his mind and supported me 100%. He is a wonderful man, great husband and father and loves me unconditionally, always has since the day we met. My family loves him and his family loves me. Sounds like my marriage is perfect right? Wrong.

In May I reconnected with a former co-worker who came to work at one of my clients businesses. We have been friends for over 17 years working on and off together about the same amount of time. Years ago we determined there was a attraction to each other but never acted on it due to the fact that we were both married. When we began working together this time it took about a month before we realized the attraction was still there, stronger than ever and very foolishly started an emotional relationship. Lot's of intimate conversations at work, texting, phone calls but no physical contact other than a few kisses now and then. In a nutshell he is different than my husband in so many ways and quite frankly it's my main attraction to him. My husband is very non-communicative and it has always been a struggle to have any conversation with him. He is a simpleton, very easy to please and requires little maintenance as far as his needs are concerned. Not real big in the motivation department, happy with the 9-5 routine. The other man, on the other hand, is very verbal, great conversationalist, complex and shares my off beat sense of humor. He always has side projects going on to challenge himself and improve himself financially. We have an agreement between the two of us that things got a little to heavy and have scaled back our relationship. We don't talk as often and have stopped all phone calls and texts. He has encouraged me to work things out with my husband and we agreed if things are meant to be between us, it will happen.

Here's my problem. I am diligently trying to work things out with my husband but I can't get this man out of my head. I can't drop my client so I won't have to be around him a lot. That's not an option right now financially. I have been seeing a therapist for 3 months now but I'm still in the same place I was when I started. I love my husband but I can't forget how this other man makes me feel. I know it's not because of my weight loss that this man is attracted to me and I'm not going thru a mid-life crises. This man was attracted to me when I was heavy and tells me all time my weight was never an issue to him, we just click so perfectly and that's the biggest reason he's drawn to me. He is in the process of a divorce that will be final in the next few months.

WTF is wrong with me and why can't I get this guy out of my head? My marriage wasn't perfect before all this **** started but it wasn't bad either. Is it a simple case of falling out of love with one person and falling in love with another. I've never dealt with anything like this before, not even any marital problems other than a few arguments about my husbands drinking (he's cut way back on his drinking and no longer drinks at home) but for the most part I've had a very happy and fulfilled marriage.

Any input or advise would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

[danaevett 179]

I'll just say it bluntly. You need to get your head screwed on straight and forget about this other man. The man you have has put up with you for 21 years. You took vows to this man and he to you. You know that what you are doing is wrong; so stop it!

[Madam Reverie 2,958]

In the interests of brevity, I shall try to be concise and perhaps a bit blunt...

I think you're suffering from a case of 'grass is greener' syndrome. Although he may be dazzling you with how different he is from your husband, if you embarked on a relationship with him, would there be any guarantee that his 'striving to keep his brain and financial status active and buoyant' would not start to get on your nerves? Or the things you find so engaging now become just that little bit tiring or annoying? Enquiring of him as to why his own marriage broke down might give you the information you need to look at him and the possibility of the two of you being together , objectively.

You have managed to hold down a marriage for 21 years. That, is an amazing feat and one you should be very proud. By the sounds of it, too, it has not been a bad marriage, either. Might lack a bit of luster - but don't all relationships after a while?

I think a key point, based on your statement, is the fact that this other man is going through a divorce. As brutal as this might sound, your paths have crossed at 'just the right time', to make him feel better about himself during his marital trials. He has also provided you with a welcome distraction during this period of emotional upheaval.

I would be very interested if the 'agreement between the two of you' was instigated, in truth, by him, or by yourself... There is always a primary initiator of these things. If it was him? It could allude to him needing a distraction - and not something long term. I have never been through a divorce, I have, however, been through a long term relationship break-up. Did I need another relationship straight afterwards? Hell no. I kept my own counsel and effectively licked my wounds for a few years. I'm not advocating that anyone should lock themselves away in a monastery, but even if a person leaves a long term relationship, I would have thought not many people would be willing to jump straight into another one. After finding freedom, people do need a bit of time to find themselves and re-evaluate their lives again. Those who relationship 'hop' often find themselves leaving the frying pan and ending up in the fire. I would hate for that to happen to you.

I think you have found this liaison titillating and different. It has provided a welcome and exciting distraction to what you might perceive could be the mundanity of normal life. Try to look at it objectively.

Your husband appears to be a good man - if not a bit predictable. But he is a good man that has loved you, supported you and loved you enough to raise two wonderful children with you. He deserves your time, effort and respect. Consequently and if you want to spin this around; sit him down and tell him how you feel about your life together (and I might just omit mentioning the other person!). You never know - he might have more to say about things than you initially gave him credit. Wouldn't that be a shocker?

This other man? Leave him be. Going through a divorce, he has 'trouble' written all over him and there's no guarantee that 'attraction' could turn into anything more than just merely that - and then where would you be?

You sound like a nice lady who has merely had her head turned. Take your intelligence and your ability to articulate yourself so eloquently and invest some time into your husband. The more investiture, the less you'll be thinking about this other person, who and at this point, is really just a mere figment of your imagination.

I wish you the best of luck x

[I♡BypassedMyPhatAss♡ 804]

First of all... well said Dana and Madam. There's not much that I can add after the previous posts. I will however say, that you married this man 21 years ago, and he was good enough for you then, right?? You are not AVAILABLE to other men, your wedding vows say so. If more people put the effort, and desire into their marriages as they're putting into their affairs outside of marriage, there would be a dramatic decrease in the divorce rate. Society has just made it too easy to give up on marriage. Your spouse isn't giving you the attention you want? Divorce them. Easy enough, right? Respect your spouse and your marriage. Talk to him, seek counseling and set up a date night weekly with your husband. Best wishes

[Arts137 1,811]

OK, I'll take a different tack. I do not care which man (or woman) you end up with. BUT now is NOT the time to make such decisions. Your emotions are completely kerfloowie at this point and you should NOT make these life decisions in the first year out after surgery.

http://www.weightlosssurgeon.com/old/bariatric-surgery-guide/a-new-way-of-thinking/emotional-issues

and

http://www.obesityaction.org/educational-resources/resource-articles-2/weight-loss-surgery/relationship-challenges-before-and-after-weight-loss-surgery

Please DO NOT make any decisions that you might regret! You got time...

[Fluffnomore 1,235]

What Arts said. Whenever I see someone going through something like this, I immediately wonder where their emotional head is.

I will say that I'm in my 40s, and barring real marital issues, my friends and acquaintances who have acted on this kind of attraction and broken up their marriages over it have all regretted it. Maybe not regretted, immediately, breaking up their marriages (which, in most cases were already flawed) but in fixing their obsession on one person. Not a single one of them is still with the person they broke up the marriage over.

Are you different? Well, crap…we all feel that we're different in the middle of it. And most of us have at least one person in the back of our minds that we wonder about, somewhere...

My advice to you is either break up your marriage, or don't. But don't do it over this guy. Do it only because there is something that is broken that you can't fix. Be careful of doing it when your emotions are all over the place and you've had several major changes. If you get divorced will you be happier? Sheesh, most people I know do not automatically have easier lives after divorce. They find themselves with the same problems in their new relationships if they haven't given themselves time to heal and understand what put them in a mindset that they should start an emotional affair with someone else. And while they are reeling from the divorce, they are dealing with all of the really difficult pieces of it: financial, emotional, children, security…all messed up.

By the way, you CAN pull yourself out of this and fix your marriage. But you have to want to.

[Amour.de.lionne 63]

I understand sometimes people like to add a little excitement to their very routine like lives... It seems like you just want some type of love and affection that maybe your husband forgot to give you, and this other man excites you and makes you feel sexy, something you haven't felt in a while! That's why you can't get him out of your head because he stimulated thoughts and feelings inside you that you forgot you had! Don't let people make you feel bad about having these feelings because your a human woman who deserves to feel wanted!!!! But on the other hand you 2 are married! Figure out if you want to be with this man or stay with hubby. People grow apart it's a part of life. See if hubby wants to rekindle some of that fire and do things to atleast make an effort in putting some spark back into your union. You'll see then what you want to do!

Best of luck to you hun! It's your life. You only live once! Live, love, laugh!

[blondegal_ 1,028]

I'll encourage you to be completely honest with your therapist. After three months you should not be in the same spot. Not saying all should be fixed but progress should have been made. Put it all out there. Your therapist will not judge you. And maybe your husband can join you for a few sessions. I'm not saying he should learn about the other man but you are looking for things that he's not giving. Maybe the therapist can help him see that and also open your eyes to the needs of your husband.

[Arts137 1,811]

Fluffnomore... Great post.

I 'specially like:

"And most of us have at least one person in the back of our minds that we wonder about, somewhere..."

or two or three. But at my age I know ONE thing. I am easy to love and hard to live with. My wife is amazing and STILL loves me AND wants to live with me. And that is so so so fine, fine, superfine. If she'll keep me, I'll sure keep her!

[krislaw33 25]

I'll encourage you to be completely honest with your therapist. After three months you should not be in the same spot. Not saying all should be fixed but progress should have been made. Put it all out there. Your therapist will not judge you. And maybe your husband can join you for a few sessions. I'm not saying he should learn about the other man but you are looking for things that he's not giving. Maybe the therapist can help him see that and also open your eyes to the needs of your husband.

I have shared everything with my therapist including having my husband come for a few sessions. The problem doesn't lie with him, it's all me. I know I'm very lucky to have such a wonderful man in my life but what I can't figure out is why that's not enough.

[blondegal_ 1,028]

Good for you for being honest. Your therapist doesn't have any insight as to why you feel this way? Aren't those feelings being explored? (No judgement just asking) Any behavior modification techniques suggested? Any "homework" given to bring you closer to your husband?

[tddonnell67 57]

My advice is this.... Cut this guy out of your life completely. I don't care how financially difficult it may be. Imagine the financial difficulties you will have after a divorce. You cannot move on and get over this guy with him still in your life. Right now you are vulnerable and he is also by going through a divorce. It's exciting and new and I'm sure the new attention is flattering but this is clouding your judgement. If he is doing this to his wife don't think for a minute he wouldn't do it to you also. You are going to continue to be unhappy with your husband as long as your comparing him to this guy and I'm sure you have built this guy up in your head and put him on a pedestal, over looked his flaws because it's new and exciting. You are picturing a fantasy life with this guy when in reality if you lived with him he probably snores, farts a lot, doesn't help with the housework, is working all the time, has spoiled brat children and a crazy mother, and an ex wife who took all his money! Just something's to think about.

[krislaw33 25]

In the interests of brevity, I shall try to be concise and perhaps a bit blunt...

I think you're suffering from a case of 'grass is greener' syndrome. Although he may be dazzling you with how different he is from your husband, if you embarked on a relationship with him, would there be any guarantee that his 'striving to keep his brain and financial status active and buoyant' would not start to get on your nerves? Or the things you find so engaging now become just that little bit tiring or annoying? Enquiring of him as to why his own marriage broke down might give you the information you need to look at him and the possibility of the two of you being together , objectively.

You have managed to hold down a marriage for 21 years. That, is an amazing feat and one you should be very proud. By the sounds of it, too, it has not been a bad marriage, either. Might lack a bit of luster - but don't all relationships after a while?

I think a key point, based on your statement, is the fact that this other man is going through a divorce. As brutal as this might sound, your paths have crossed at 'just the right time', to make him feel better about himself during his marital trials. He has also provided you with a welcome distraction during this period of emotional upheaval.

I would be very interested if the 'agreement between the two of you' was instigated, in truth, by him, or by yourself... There is always a primary initiator of these things. If it was him? It could allude to him needing a distraction - and not something long term. I have never been through a divorce, I have, however, been through a long term relationship break-up. Did I need another relationship straight afterwards? Hell no. I kept my own counsel and effectively licked my wounds for a few years. I'm not advocating that anyone should lock themselves away in a monastery, but even if a person leaves a long term relationship, I would have thought not many people would be willing to jump straight into another one. After finding freedom, people do need a bit of time to find themselves and re-evaluate their lives again. Those who relationship 'hop' often find themselves leaving the frying pan and ending up in the fire. I would hate for that to happen to you.

I think you have found this liaison titillating and different. It has provided a welcome and exciting distraction to what you might perceive could be the mundanity of normal life. Try to look at it objectively.

Your husband appears to be a good man - if not a bit predictable. But he is a good man that has loved you, supported you and loved you enough to raise two wonderful children with you. He deserves your time, effort and respect. Consequently and if you want to spin this around; sit him down and tell him how you feel about your life together (and I might just omit mentioning the other person!). You never know - he might have more to say about things than you initially gave him credit. Wouldn't that be a shocker?

This other man? Leave him be. Going through a divorce, he has 'trouble' written all over him and there's no guarantee that 'attraction' could turn into anything more than just merely that - and then where would you be?

You sound like a nice lady who has merely had her head turned. Take your intelligence and your ability to articulate yourself so eloquently and invest some time into your husband. The more investiture, the less you'll be thinking about this other person, who and at this point, is really just a mere figment of your imagination.

I wish you the best of luck x

Are you a therapist? If not you should be. You gave some good, sound, solid advise and really made me question this other man's motives as far as being a distraction to him. It makes sense the more and more I think about it. What makes me question him is that in one breath he tells me how important our relationship is to him and in another breath says he wants me to work on my marriage. WTF? Talk about mixed signals. Just never made sense to me. Now after taking in comments and suggestions from everyone who responded things are starting to become a little more clear. I'm not saying this other guy is a bad person. What I am saying is that I obviously have a trust issue with him and quite honestly I always have considering I do know about a relationship he had with another woman that he worked with previously. Don't asked me why I overlooked that. Blinded by lust I guess. My point is, is that I have always trusted my husband and I know he would never step out on me regardless of how tempted he is. Regardless of how I feel about my relationship with this man I can't trust him and if I can't trust him there will be no future with him.

[1Day1Life4Now 882]

Everyone loves to feel that blood surging through their veins. The mental picture of ourselves with someone exciting and perfect is always so much better than the one with our spouse where we remember all the warts and scars. Just a few words of advice from me.... DON'T DO IT. Your husband has already proven himself to be a rock and to love you through thick and thin... He is not perfect and neither are you. If you want changes ... make some changes within your marriage and draw your husband out in to some conversations. You may be surprised what you will learn. This new man has thrown his spouse and marriage away in search of perfection. Do you really think you can fill that bill? Keep the fantasy in your mind... where it belongs.

[SoccerMomma73 1,867]

In the interests of brevity, I shall try to be concise and perhaps a bit blunt... I think you're suffering from a case of 'grass is greener' syndrome. Although he may be dazzling you with how different he is from your husband, if you embarked on a relationship with him, would there be any guarantee that his 'striving to keep his brain and financial status active and buoyant' would not start to get on your nerves? Or the things you find so engaging now become just that little bit tiring or annoying? Enquiring of him as to why his own marriage broke down might give you the information you need to look at him and the possibility of the two of you being together , objectively. You have managed to hold down a marriage for 21 years. That, is an amazing feat and one you should be very proud. By the sounds of it, too, it has not been a bad marriage, either. Might lack a bit of luster - but don't all relationships after a while? I think a key point, based on your statement, is the fact that this other man is going through a divorce. As brutal as this might sound, your paths have crossed at 'just the right time', to make him feel better about himself during his marital trials. He has also provided you with a welcome distraction during this period of emotional upheaval. I would be very interested if the 'agreement between the two of you' was instigated, in truth, by him, or by yourself... There is always a primary initiator of these things. If it was him? It could allude to him needing a distraction - and not something long term. I have never been through a divorce, I have, however, been through a long term relationship break-up. Did I need another relationship straight afterwards? Hell no. I kept my own counsel and effectively licked my wounds for a few years. I'm not advocating that anyone should lock themselves away in a monastery, but even if a person leaves a long term relationship, I would have thought not many people would be willing to jump straight into another one. After finding freedom, people do need a bit of time to find themselves and re-evaluate their lives again. Those who relationship 'hop' often find themselves leaving the frying pan and ending up in the fire. I would hate for that to happen to you. I think you have found this liaison titillating and different. It has provided a welcome and exciting distraction to what you might perceive could be the mundanity of normal life. Try to look at it objectively. Your husband appears to be a good man - if not a bit predictable. But he is a good man that has loved you, supported you and loved you enough to raise two wonderful children with you. He deserves your time, effort and respect. Consequently and if you want to spin this around; sit him down and tell him how you feel about your life together (and I might just omit mentioning the other person!). You never know - he might have more to say about things than you initially gave him credit. Wouldn't that be a shocker? This other man? Leave him be. Going through a divorce, he has 'trouble' written all over him and there's no guarantee that 'attraction' could turn into anything more than just merely that - and then where would you be? You sound like a nice lady who has merely had her head turned. Take your intelligence and your ability to articulate yourself so eloquently and invest some time into your husband. The more investiture, the less you'll be thinking about this other person, who and at this point, is really just a mere figment of your imagination. I wish you the best of luck x

bravo!!!