Sick Of Compliments And Comments

[Kattastic 114]

I shared my concern at my support group meeting last night and we worked out that I would address this by using "I" statements. Thus "when I hear comments about my changing body size I feel like I have lost my privacy and I don't want to feel like I am a poster child for weight loss (surgery - depending on who comments and how much they know)." Lessons learned, go to your support group, follow up with your team and don't go it alone.

I had this problem way before WLS. I am not really into fashion but I do try to look nice. I tend to repeat a lot of outfits. At any given time I have about 7-9 work outfits on rotation.

So, when I get a new shirt, what happens?? People gush all day about my new shirt and how that color is so pretty! Are people just trying to be nice? Yes. Do I get uncomfortable? Undoubtedly. So, I avoid attention by sticking to plain, boring clothing at work. About 2-3 yrs ago I started liking skirts and I bought a few but never have worn them to work because I don't want to hear it all day!! Instead I save them for non-work.

I have actually been working on these issues because I know it's not "their" problem, it's mine. I've gotten better but it's still hard to accept compliments even when well intended. I'm not saying that's your problem, but maybe it's someone's in here.

I do think though that bombarding you with an unauthorized photo shoot and taking about your shrinking ass is a bit unprofessional. Good luck with your "I" statements!

[CrazyJaney 775]

Me too, me too, me too! I don't want what I weigh or surgery to be the only thing that defines me. I've told a few people at work but I've also set limits on what I want to discuss. I hit the 50 pound malt this week and clothes are starting to fall off. The questions and well meaning comments have started rolling in. Two of my employees made comments to the effect "I hate you, you're so skinny". I'm sure the secret will get out and gonna hear more. It's not flattering unless the see "me" beyond what I weigh. I'm getting tired of it already and I have 120 to go. I'm gonna pull the "boss" card and start discussing the legality of discussing the physical features of coworkers. BUT.... I feel so good. So I just keep moving on and give limited info.

[Ginger Snaps 1,323]

I've had enough manager training to know that what you're experiencing is a hostile work environment and should be taken seriously. Good for you going to a manager and talking about it. If it continues and the manager doesn't discuss it with your coworkers, I'd go to HR. While a compliment here and there might be fine, you shouldn't have to talk about your weight loss all day long. And whipping out a camera??? Unbelievable and over the line.

Stand up for yourself but also get your manager or HR to help out, too. Don't let it continue on or get worse. You shouldn't have to deal with stuff like that at work.

[CrazyJaney 775]

I've had enough manager training to know that what you're experiencing is a hostile work environment and should be taken seriously. Good for you going to a manager and talking about it. If it continues and the manager doesn't discuss it with your coworkers, I'd go to HR. While a compliment here and there might be fine, you shouldn't have to talk about your weight loss all day long. And whipping out a camera??? Unbelievable and over the line.

Stand up for yourself but also get your manager or HR to help out, too. Don't let it continue on or get worse. You shouldn't have to deal with stuff like that at work.

I agree. It's definitely classified as a hostile work environment and is a unwanted distraction. Those are terms that HR should jump all over. I'd be gracious and appreciative and understanding that coworkers say nice things but then I'd WhOMP them with those two terms. It should stop. Whoever the direct manager is of the people who are carrying on can get into hot Water if they let it go on. Damn, you'd think losing weight should have ONLY good benefits. But it's not fun to feel uncomfortable in social or work circles. I just went to a funeral, ran into a doctor I worked with a long time ago. I didn't particularly care for him. He hugged me and first words out of his mouth were "you've lost weight, you look great". I'd say that's a compliment but he would never have barely spoken to me at 325 - sorta surprised he did at 275. Just felt awkward and icky.

[Jabedn 3]

I never get any compliments, even though I have lost 86 lbs in 6 months. Not even from my husband. I am very hurt by this, I wish someone would say something.

I can understand getting to much attention, it is probably exhausting, but to get none after all the hard work put into this makes me cry.

[Idairene 37]

I never get any compliments, even though I have lost 86 lbs in 6 months. Not even from my husband. I am very hurt by this, I wish someone would say something.

I can understand getting to much attention, it is probably exhausting, but to get none after all the hard work put into this makes me cry.

I'm really sorry to hear this. One of my friends who works in the same office as me as not recieved as many compliments as I have and I'm not sure she's comfortable in her new body. She continues to wear baggy clothes and "hide" her new body. In fact, I myself think she now looks too thin but I do not want to say anything. She has not been able to commit the time to exercise that I have so she does not look toned but rather out of shape.

I imagine it is distressing that your husband cannot compliment you. Is your he perhaps uncomfortable with you now being a more attractive woman? Is he threatened by this? Or does he perhaps have weight issues of his own? I hope you continue to buy clothes, get a new hairdo and exercise and work on being proud of your new body.

I have learned to be gracious with the compliments I recieve and maintain my dignity when someone is a bit over the line with comments. Someone at work recently said I had "too much style to work here." I now tell people when they carry on about my appearance, "You know, I was always good looking, I was just fat and good looking." I think what hurt so much was the idea that I was not a truely beautiful person before the weightloss. And it was hard for me that my changing body was so public, at a time when I was still very much struggling with reaching my own private and personal goals for health and fitness.

[LisaRu 17]

I have not had surgery yet but have lost weight at different points in my life. I guess it's my insecurities, but I always feel when I was given a compliment that it was kind of a backhanded compliment. What I mean is I hear a compliment and turn whAt they said around to "you were so fat". I'm almost dreading the compliments to come after surgery because of this feeling! Well at least I have plenty of time to work that feeling out!!

[Jim1967 3,569]

Hi All,

I can understand the overkill of compliments. I get asked daily by at least one person if not more how much weight I have lost so far and how much more I intend to lose. Unfortunately for me it was quite impossible to hide the fact that I had WLS. It can get quite tiresome at times but I on the flipside I remember when I dropped my first 50lbs I was disappointed that no one said anything and then I thought well hell I must be so damn fat no one notices and that entire attitude was just counterproductive.

I have a pretty thick skin not to mention an incredible sense of humor but I have heard my fair share of off the cuff compliments that could easily been turned around and taken as an insult. I just pass it off as a skinny person who have never had a weight problem in their life and does not know any better.

My favorites are:

1. You're head is so much smaller now....awesome happy I was able to let some air out of the beach ball head for you.

2. You're face is so skinny now.....

My favorite:

Female co-worker telling another male co-worker who happened to be a close friend : "Oh Jim is going to be so handsome once he loses all the weight" Great I must really look like shit...thanks

At the end of the day I brush it all off because you know what...THIS is all about ME and nothing and no one else matters. I am healthy, strong, mobile and quite happy with this new lease on life.

I can recall how embarrassing it was to be that big and even now I get embarrassed when someone asks me how much I've lost. Last time I was at the Barber he asked how much I had lost and I told him 120lbs because I was too embarrassed to say 275....

[Idairene 37]

And congratulations Jim1967 on the 275 lbs! Wonderful! And I bet your health is so much better now, which to me is what really counts, not the appearances.

[Paula C. 6]

I am at the beginning stages of this adventure, but once lost a lot of weight on my own. I experienced the same remarks when I lost that weight and am not looking forward to hearing them again after my surgery. I have talked about this with people and they don't get it. What it boils down to is that you feel like you must have been so disgusting before the weight loss.

[LisaRu 17]

Exactly!!!!!

[Idairene 37]

I have talked about this with people and they don't get it. What it boils down to is that you feel like you must have been so disgusting before the weight loss.

I agree, some people just won't shut up about it and are fascinated with commenting on your size! Obesity is such a public disease. I have a friend who has hidden her epilepsy all her life and is just now, at 50 years old, starting to share this with people. But for obesity, there is no hiding it. AND remember - you will soon be healthier and better looking than many of these people. You have had a second chance in life and they are jealous!

[LipstickLady 25,682]

I never get any compliments, even though I have lost 86 lbs in 6 months. Not even from my husband. I am very hurt by this, I wish someone would say something.

I can understand getting to much attention, it is probably exhausting, but to get none after all the hard work put into this makes me cry.

I bet you're gorgeous! Post pics, I'd love to see your success.

Edited April 28, 2014 by LipstickLady

[LisaRu 17]

It just makes me feel like "you were an ogre before, but now your cool". Which then, of course makes me not want to be friendly with them. I know gross overreaction!! Just trying to make point. Of course I haven't even had surgery yet, but I'm ready for them, LOL.

[CrazyJaney 775]

I am at the beginning stages of this adventure, but once lost a lot of weight on my own. I experienced the same remarks when I lost that weight and am not looking forward to hearing them again after my surgery. I have talked about this with people and they don't get it. What it boils down to is that you feel like you must have been so disgusting before the weight loss.

I went through that too, before with a 42 pound loss on Jenny Craig in the 1990's. I dreaded that when I started on this journey. What's different this time, mentally, is having this site to help vent, find better coping skills and to just build up the mental fortitude to deal with the emotional side. I've lost 54. It's noticeable. People keep using the word melting. I'm much more stronger and confident in my abilities at 45 than I was at 25. It's still hard. Even positive comments sound underhanded in my mind. It's especially worse in a big group. But it's not as bad as I thought it would be. I'm handling it better this time. I just try to minimize the attention and stay focused on the big picture. It's all such a crazy journey!