female only Losing Weight Causing Me To Rethink Being In My Current Relationship

[bs8387 2]

Ok so this might be a bit lengthy, sorry but I really need some advice from those who are not close to the situation.

I have been with my boyfriend for over two years. We moved to my hometown about a month ago. I (not we) bought a house, because we couldn’t afford rent. The main reason we moved was because there was more job opportunity for him. He even sold his house. He only has a HS Diploma so I thought that learning a trade or something of that nature would be good for him because he feels he is not college material.

We were talking the other day and I finally realized he has no goals in life. He told me “to be alive” was his goal. My brain cannot process this. I have a Masters and have been working my butt off to make money. I have a min. wage job and I freelance graphic design on the side. Having a job in graphic design is a huge goal for me. I am even willing to move again to have it, but he isn’t.

Every time I suggest any sort of job to him he says no or gives me some excuse. He even admits to the fact that he is lazy. His normal routine is to go to work, play his xbox until he falls asleep, and then go to work. Rinse and repeat. We have to get into huge arguments for him to take out the trash.

The other problem or problems lies with me. I had my surgery at the end of August and have lost almost 60 pounds. So I am becoming happier with myself and really realizing the person I want to become.

When me and my boyfriend got together, I was 318, the same as when I had my surgery. I never gained or lost any weight in the time we had been together. About 6 months in, he became very critical of my weight. The one time we had gone to the mall and he walked so far in front of me, I couldn’t keep up. When I asked him why, he said “Everyone was looking at me because I had a fat girlfriend. ” Mind you, my self esteem has been so shot that I just let him treat me that way. I grew up being treated that way and didn’t feel like I deserved anything different. He felt if he made me feel bad about my weight, I would do something about it. (I was having my surgery whether I was with him or not. Both my parents had it, so it left me more inclined to have to do the same)

He has since apologized to me several times about our early time together, but I can’t seem to let it go. I feel like if you loved me, why would you treat me that way? I don’t know how to get over it.

I do love him, but our goals just do not align, he is lazy and has absolutely no ambition. Lately I feel like I just want to be single and (slightly) relive my 20’s. I’m 26 now. I want a life do over to become the person I have always wanted to be. I am getting more attention from guys and I really want to act on it, but I don’t because I have my boyfriend.

Am I just putting off the split that is going to come, or am I being selfish because I want to be single and do my own thing? I mean I really want the clothes I never got to wear and a pair of hooker boots. I want to go out and have fun, because I didn’t really do that in college.

[kespy74 103]

First, Congratulations on your progress. Way to go!!

Now, I beleive if someone loves you, they love you good and bad and will never demean or make you feel lesser. I think you have answered your own question. You have goals and desires and unfortuantely your boyfriend is content where he is. I think you are delaying the inevitiable, even though you love him, you will resent him for holding you back. You are young and have so much living to do. Maybe you going after your dreams will motivate your man to realize he has to get off his butt or risk losing you but you have to do you.

Good luck!

[TurnThePage 220]

Hard to call it love when 2 people do not respect each other and do not share mutual goals. Ideally, it is a partnership to build a better life together and you have neither a true partnership or goals. Sitting on one's ass playing X box games like a 12 year old is hardly the mark of a mature man.

Are you just afraid to get out of a comfort zone? You can't cross a chasm with small steps. It requires a big leap. Why on earth would you chose to continue in a menial job when you have a master's degree? Such a waste. You only have this day once in your life, so don't waste it.

Losing his 200 (or whatever) pounds is likely to be the healthiest weight loss decision you'll ever make. Unless you really love your hometown and can build a future there, maybe it is time to toss out the trash, pack up and move on.

Now just explain to me how you bought a house when you couldn't afford rent??????

[CA712 111]

I would drop him like a wet blanket, continue loosing weight and keep on target with my career goals buy yourself a pair of leather pants and find a real man who is worthy of your love. This guy is just going to keep you down and when you have lost all your weight he will find something else to be critical of you but he has NO PROBLEM living off of you with free rent and food. Good luck and for once in your life love yourself more it is not be selfish to take care of yourself sounds like you are in a bad situation that will only get worse.

[bs8387 2]

Thank you all for your responses. I guess I just needed some reassurance that I am doing the right thing in getting out of this relationship. I guess I kind of knew the answer all along, just needed a push.

As far as my job, I am a bartender, so I also make tips. It pays my bills at the moment. He also pays bills. When I got out of undergrad the economy was in the toilet and no one wanted to hire someone without experience, even if they had a degree. Graphic Design jobs for those without 3+ years experience are hard to find, especially where I live.

About my house, rent is anywhere from 800 to 1500 dollars around here. Just rent. My house payment is 360. I can manage that. The only reason I do not have school loans and was able to put a down payment on my house is because my brother passed away a few years ago and I have savings. I would give every penny back in an instant, but it is what it is.

I moved back to my hometown because my mother had back surgery. All of my father’s siblings died before the age of 55 and my dad is 60. I have been away for quite a while.

[TurnThePage 220]

Lots of challenges, but hopefully also lots of happiness ahead for you. Good luck!

[Seela 1,187]

Been there. Trust me, that is not love. It's familiarity. Get out. The longer you stay the more damage is done.

[one4ozzie 434]

I read and as a 41 yo that was 26 and married, feeling how you did about believing I was in love. I married at 18. We separated 3 1/2 yrs ago, divorced 1 yr ago. Married for 22 years. I have a senior in HS, daughter.

Since the separation then divorce My longest and only relationship is with a male friend that lives in another state and getting divorced. It is nothing physical, only an emotional relationship. We had crushes on each other about 27 yrs ago. For the last 3 1/2 years I have been a mother, period. After my daughter graduates then it comes my time again. For me to start my life.

I stayed with my ex because he was my best friend, it felt comfortable. He cheated and his GF gave him an ultimatum but I had already filed for a divorce so that tid bit about the ultimatum is irrelevant. After his affair started I hit my highest weight of 267. As soon as I found out about the affair, which was right away, we were talking and he called me fat. Ouch that is something you never forget. For several years I had toyed w the idea of this surgery. Boy am I happy that I had it. 9 months later I reached my goal weight of 125. Thought it was too skinny and now holding at 130.

A year ago August was the last time I saw him until this last August. When I saw him, he didn't recognize me at all and walked right by, lol. I grabbed his arm and said his name, and he said I look horrible. First words out if his mouth. He had married that person he cheated on me w 2 months after our divorce. With that comment, I was blown away and said, "boy that's the first I've heard that. I actually hear quite the opposite always." He said, "I meant your too skinny." I told him that I was the same weight as I was in HS and after when I married him.

My biggest regret is being married so young that I never found myself. I didn't know who I was. Granted you are older than I was but comfort is huge in a relationship. However, not big enough to stay when you have such opposing differences in the relationship. As other stated, I think you already stated your answer just by asking the question. Remember endings are always sad, but new beginnings are filled with excitement of the unknown. For a while, you will feel both of these (excitement and sadness) if you choose to separate.

Sorry this was so long. LOL. When I first started typing, it was short and words just came pouring out.

Edited November 25, 2013 by one4ozzie

[tigerlily14 35]

I believe you answered your question when you asked it pray about it and you'll know what's right but I believe you already do.

[Ginger Snaps 1,323]

@bs8387 I so feel for you -- I have a daughter that's 23 and when she has relationship difficulties I tell her to listen to her heart. When you try to push down those feelings of being devalued or when you let people treat you less than you are worthy of, it NEVER works out or gets better. Everyone deserves to be treated as worthy of love. You are valuable as a human being and if a BOYFRIEND doesn't value you, I would say kick his butt and video game system to the curb.

In my case, I had to leave my husband of 15 years because when I got healthier from mental illness and started valuing myself, I could see how sick our relationship was. He wasn't abusive and he's a responsible father to his children but he completely ignored me. He didn't play video games but he had his preoccupations that completely consumed his time and attention and I was completely ignored.

When you first started your message, it sounded like you were talking about my immature 20 year old son -- no job, living off mom, running and playing all the time, completely self-absorbed.

It sounds like you have SO many things going for you -- goals and accomplishments (like graduating with your masters and working hard just to get by while you build up a resume on the side)... Good for you!!! I can hear the excitement and drive you have in your post. If you were my daughter, I'd give you a big hug, tell you that you are valuable and precious and encourage you to go for your wildest dreams! You are SO worth it!

ginger

[Ginger Snaps 1,323]

Sorry -- went back and saw that you said your boyfriend does work -- so that part of my lengthy rant wasn't applicable but everything else stands!!!

Ginger

[pookybear 284]

I'm definitely in the minority here, but I don't see much wrong with how he lives his life. My bf works and plays video games and hates chores. He doesn't have any major 'goals' in life, just to live day to day comfortably and be happy. I'm good with that. I think the bigger issue is that you're not happy. You need to do what you feel is necessary to be happy. If that means leaving and being single, do that.

I don't think his comments were right, but he apologized and feels remorse for them. If you are unable to accept the apology and move on from it, that's on you.

Like I said, not a popular opinion.

Edited May 22, 2014 by pookybear

[Heather B 10]

Duplicate

Edited May 29, 2014 by Heather B

[Heather B 10]

Bariatric Divorce is a real thing. The rate of divorce among bariatric patients increases significantly over the US average 50%. I know you weren’t married but the principal applies. My husband and I both had surgery. We had been together for 15 years and married 10 when we saw the pre-screen therapist. I asked her about divorce after she had spoken to my husband and me. We said we concerned and did not want the surgery to hurt our relationship. She said we both asked the same question separately. She asked some follow up and then told us together…The biggest reason for separation after surgery is low self esteem and settling. She said a lot of heavy folks settling for what they can get or the self esteem of the partner who becomes self conscience when the partner loses weight. Jealousy kicks in and breaks up couples. She said we would not have these problems and we didn’t.

It seems to me from the little I could gather that you may have settled because you thought you wouldn’t do any better. I personally do not care about his money or video games (my husband is a stay at home dad and he will never earn near what I earn) so, this is not something I care about. I knew this before I married him and I am ok being the main bread winner. But if it bothers you, that is enough. You have to be on the same page with your mate or there is no partnership. My issue is what he did at the mall.

With your surgery your grocery bill will decrease anyway (lol), you will manage financially. I would rather not have cable or some other luxury than to let someone treat me like that but then again I am pretty arrogant (in spite of the fact I am over 400 lbs). I do not think an apology would suffice, I find it unforgivable and there is not much I find unforgivable. As far as the poster above saying that this it was “on you” if you won’t let it go, I do not agree. Where do you draw that line where you are not obliged to forgive? There has to be one. His actions at the mall were over that line to me, but some allow beatings and cheating and forgive so I guess it’s all how you value yourself.

[pookybear 284]

You're never obligated to forgive anyone for anything. But if you don't, that's a choice you make, and that choice is on you. Everyone deserves a second chance, especially if they genuinely are sorry and feel remorse. That doesn't mean anyone is obligated to give that person a second chance, but if they choose not to that is their choice.