I'm Sick Of People Telling Me I'm Not Fat!

[gamergirl 4,610]

Why is nobody telling me that? No one ever told me that! I'm offended!

I think people around me know that I've struggled with my weight constantly and am always working on some way to reduce it, so I've received nothing but support.

Just once though, I wanted someone to say to me, "You're having surgery? why? you don't need it!" alas no one did.

My point is, the other side of the coin is no better.

[slowtogo 301]

Worked for me!

I get a"link not found" error

[LipstickLady 25,682]

I get a"link not found" error

How to Be a Good Ally to Fat People Who Appear to Have Lost Weight

November 14, 2013 | by Bevin Branlandingham

Source: Flickr

Originally published on Queer Fat Femme and cross-posted here with their permission.

Our culture normalizes talking about bodies all the time.

There is especially a lot of value placed on weight gain or loss.

Turn on a television and just listen to diet chatter. It’s pervasive, obnoxious, and well-meaning individuals perpetuate it in our personal lives all the time.

I like to create an environment in my life that is about substance over small talk, where compliments are genuine and weight is value-neutral.

“Oh, but Bevin,” you may be saying. “I really mean it as a compliment when I notice you’ve lost weight!”

But, well-intentioned friend, just because you’re well-intentioned doesn’t mean what you say doesn’t have a harmful impact.

Weight loss doesn’t mean I look good.

I believe I look good at all of my weights – all bodies are good bodies.

And I know your perception of me might have changed because you are socialized to believe smaller is better, but I would like to gently invite you to do something different with your non-pliments of “You look so good!” when someone has lost weight.

It’s also important to remember that the well-intentioned friends come in all shapes and sizes, fat, thin, and in-between.

1. How About Don’t Talk About It?

I strongly subscribe to the philosophy that my body is nobody’s business but my own. If I want to talk about it with someone, I will and I do.

I completely understand the inclination to ask questions about an obvious change.

I am a naturally inquisitive person. My friends call me the Queer Oprah because of my tendency to really like to get into the meat of people’s stories.

But as I’ve learned how to become a more sensitive and compassionate person, I have had to learn that sometimes you just don’t ask and you stay in the dark.

It feels kind of impossible not to be nosy about it, but I do it anyway because it’s not my business.

Also, what if you’re wrong?

A friend of mine just said she gets asked all the time if she lost weight when she puts her hair down!

Being nosy and being inquisitive are natural things that I am still working on curtailing. But I think it’s worth it to do the work to be sensitive because I don’t want to hurt people’s feelings.

I want my friends to feel like they can be their most vibrant and awesome selves around me.

2. Wait for the Person to Bring It Up

Have you ever noticed that lots of straight people will out themselves to you within about ten minutes of conversation? Sometimes as short as two.

Straight people in a heteropatriarchy are reaffirmed all the time about how great, normal, and important their straightness is. Therefore, they have likely not had the experience of having to hide or code their sexuality to people.

They don’t really play the “pronoun” game and affirm their heterosexuality without thinking about it.

The same is true for lots of people who have lost weight.

In a diet-obsessed culture, it is super normalized that weight loss is a good thing. People who are excited about their weight loss will probably bring it up because it is normalized to talk about people’s bodies whether that is right or wrong.

So let it happen if it will organically.

People don’t stop to think about whether or not weight loss might be a sign of someone’s increased health or not. I know many people who have had cancer that lost a lot of weight rapidly.

Candye Kane (an amazing blues singer) said on stage once, “I don’t recommend the cancer diet.”

Maybe just ask them what’s going on in their life and talk to them organically.

The core questions you have about them may just come to light. But, again, their body is none of your business unless they bring it up.

If they do bring up their weight loss in a positive manner, you can do the work of someone working in solidarity with fat people by saying, “I think you look great at any weight, but I’m really glad you feel good in your body right now.”

3. Mention a General Compliment That Is More Neutral

If you really want to compliment someone because you genuinely think they look good, there are lots of things about someone’s appearance you can go for.

Instead of mentioning weight loss thing, if you want to compliment someone, you can go for something else.

“Your hair looks great!” Or maybe: “I love this outfit!”

There are a bunch of different ways to express positivity to someone that don’t take into account weight loss and reinforce that weight loss is the only way to look good.

I can see friends who come at me when I’ve lost weight sort of looking for a way to talk about my appearance without going down the wrong road because they know I loved myself X number of pounds ago and they don’t want to bury themselves in the wrong kind of compliment.

4. Comment on the Self

“You seem particularly present tonight. I don’t know what it is, but you just seem extra YOU today. I love it!”

If you must say something to the person, I suggest the foregoing. Kris Ford gave me this quote.

I think it’s really great!

What a remarkable way to get to the essence of what your weight loss compliment is really about.

When we stop to think about what we really mean when we’re talking to people, we might be able to clearly communicate without hurting them.

5. Absolutely Don’t Ask Someone What They’re Doing

Oh my God, my family is so into this discussion.

I zone out when I start to hear diet talk, Weight Watchers, walking the track, whatever new thing they’re doing.

I truly believe in health at every size and will totally pipe into discussions of fitness, feeling good in your body, and other things from an “All Bodies Are Good Bodies” perspective.

But I have heard “What are you doing?” question so many times, and I just absolutely hate it.

Again, often folks will offer it if they want to. But in general, the “what you’re doing” question is such a standard thing people think is okay to ask, but it’s actually really personal!

I have a super close friend I asked this question of because I genuinely had no idea how she had lost weight and wondered. But I’m close enough to her that when she dropped that it was an eating disorder, it was a safe® space to talk about it.

I also learned from that moment to tread even a little more lightly with that stuff, to open those kinds of conversations with gentle warnings, or to open slowly.

Because people who are just hanging out or going about their life maybe don’t want to just talk about their traumas out of the blue because you want to comment on their bodies.

***

I struggle with what to say to people when they comment about changes to my weight.

True fact about me: I tend to be an emotional non-eater.

If I am going through a rough time, I will likely lose some weight. I lost sixty pounds when my fiance left me. And every time someone commented on my weight, I would say, “Bad break-up.” I would kind of grumpily respond to a nonpliment with snark.

I don’t always want to do that, but I really leave it up to how I am feeling in that moment.

Sometimes I go with, “I think I look great at any size.”

Often, especially if it is a friend or loved one, I go with a very long explanation of what lead to my recent weight loss so that they understand what I’m going through, that it’s been a real struggle, and that the weight loss is a byproduct of a larger initiative to resolve a chronic condition I have.

Sometimes, I just respond to weight loss nonpliments graciously because it’s not worth the fight.

I learned to respond to compliments I didn’t agree with back when I was still self-hating.

I would do things like respond to compliments with, “Oh, I don’t look good. I still have xyz wrong with me.” And I replaced that with a simple “thank you” until I was ready to really hear and absorb good things about myself.

A friend told me once, “Hi skinny,” in response to weight loss.

My response was, “Um, I don’t identify as skinny.” Because anytime I’ve ever lost weight in my life (as someone who has a lifetime of fat experience), I have always been fat.

And, in the case of my beloved Grandmother, I accept her compliments graciously and deeply appreciate when my mom pipes in with, “But we love you at any size.”

Because sometimes it’s not worth the fight.

But it is amazing to have my mom acting in solidarity with my politics and values around all bodies being good bodies at any size.

This was not always the case, but working with her in love, respect and compassion through the last twelve years of my participation in body liberation activism, has actually been really rewarding.

[Bombs 353]

My nurse told me on the way into the or that I could do this myself. Timing?!?

[ReDbEaN 654]

I've heard it numerous times...I'm 5'10" and carried it well...or so I've been told...but I was HUGE!!! I was miserable - still am somewhat miserable and I've lost 46 lbs. WLS is about what we want for OURSELVES. I feel sooo much better physically. I think people may not want to offend/hurt our feelings and that's why they say things like that.

[Seela 1,187]

I was responding to a continuing conversation and directly to this post on this thread. It seemed appropriate at the time, I regret that some people took it for something that it wasn't.

Cabingirl said

I don't wish to minimize our obesity, but to say that what we are hearing isn't so much about our obesity. I think that many people don't know <em>what</em> to respond to when we tell them we are having WLS. They don't want to say "good move, you really need it!" I think that many of our friends who care about us do not define us by our obesity, and that is a good thing. It's no different than with race, or someone who has a disfiguring feature -- they see us as us, and not different from them in what we think of as a negative way.

[FieryRed 55]

I'm in the same boat. Always said, "I have an hourglass figure...it's just a bigger hourglass!" lol When we're proportionate, it's easier to camouflage Folks that are bottom heavy or apple-shaped, it's hard to hide...but it's also much more obviously when they start losing. One of the first places that anyone really noticed that I'd lose almost 40 lbs was my face...not that any of the girls in the office would ADMIT that they noticed my BUTT looked a whole lot smaller anyway. lolol

[Fixerupper 335]

I truly don't think she meant it in a derogatory manner. Thoughtless choice of words, yes. Racial comment, no.

I get it. But if you accidentally say something so offensive you apologize for saying it.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

I get it. But if you accidentally say something so offensive you apologize for saying it.

I agree. It's a shame the OP doesn't see that.

[Seela 1,187]

Actually I pm'd the person I offended and we delt with it their and I said earlier that I regret it was taken wrong. I'm not sure how much appologizing you would like... I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry

[Fixerupper 335]

Repeat

[Fixerupper 335]

Actually I pm'd the person I offended and we delt with it their and I said earlier that I regret it was taken wrong. I'm not sure how much appologizing you would like... I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry

Here's the thing, you made a very offensive comment very publicly. If you didn't mean to be offensive it warrants a public apology for what you said not how we took it. People took it as it was presented.

[Jasie 17]

I have told some family and friends but not social media either. If I'm asked about my weight loss I will say because I'm not ashamed. Everyday gets better

[Jasie 17]

I have told some family and friends but not social media either. If I'm asked about my weight loss I will say because I'm not ashamed. Everyday gets better

[Jasie 17]

I have only told a few people but when I get asked about my weight loss I will say because I'm not embarrassed about it, just not putting on FB. Everyday gets better.