I need Help to Help my wife with her Big 0's

[lisah25 3]

Cymbalta and Trazadone are probably what keep me going on a daily basis. Without these two drugs, there is no way I could keep up the pace in my life today without breaking. Without them, I simply don't know where I'd be, but it would not be working full time, flying from one end of the country to the other on a sometimes weekly basis and managing a home as well. I would sure be crying a lot more and pity parties would be something that happened alot more often. Instead, I have strength to keep moving. I have the thought processes to know when true depression is lurking and I have the stamina to stave it off by making better choices. They simply give me a quality of life I did not have before I began taking them. In my case, my family is riddled with depression/addiction etc - add to that, any external episodes/stressors - life change, medical illness, job change, divorce, death, etc and I'm looking up from a deep dark hole and no one can even begin to understand it enough to help me out. It's ME who has to replenish the chemicals in my brain, however I can - drugs, exercise, etc and know the signs well enough to see them coming, to keep myself afloat.

I can't see how Tina - going through all that she is facing could not be very depressed. Just love her.. hold her when she cries. Listen and don't try to give resolutions (women really just need to be heard). Do what she asks - even spending less time at the puter. I doubt very much she'd complain about it if it really wasn't bothering her inside. God bless her.. I can't imagine losing my mother either.

Thank you for sharing this!

I've been taking Celexa for a little over a year now, and I agree that it has totally changed the quality of my life, making it possible to deal with all the challenges and enjoy the good parts.

[BJean 16]

TOM: I've been thinking about you all morning. PM me if you prefer.

[HarleyNana 10]

Tell Tina I'm bumping 60 and I don't like it either, turned 57 yesterday, but in a positive mode, I'll be blessed to be healthier, happier and hopefully a little wiser.

[TommyO 5]

TOM, just so you know I think that you and your wife are a great couple who life is hitting hard as of late. In life there are many obstacles but you and Tina are going around/through/over them together.

I will have many good thoughts for both of you, today and in the days to come.

Good Luck

TommyO

[Lap_dancer 8]

Now that I have your attention, that was "0's", not "O's". "0's" like in "Zeros".

My wife, Tina was fine when she hit the big 2 0

a little skittish for the big 3 0

very quiet for the big 4 0

in denial about the big 5 0

and terribly depressed about the big 6 0

which she will hit on the last day of the month.

Tina says that she doesn't want any birthday presents, no party, no celebration, no dinner out and that we should pretend that she is not having a birthday at all.

None of the big 0's ever bothered me (except the big 3 0 and that was so mild as to be almost non-existent), so I really can not comprehend what she is going through or how to help her. The funny part about it is that I will be 62, 17 days later, but I look like 10 years older than her. When we go somewhere that gives senior citizen discounts (55 for the movies, some fast food beverages), they ask her for ID unless I order for both of us. She has about as much chance of getting a senior citizen discount when alone (without showing ID) as our 14 year old grandson has of buying cigarettes or liquor.

None the less, she still is in a funk about turning 60. Does anyone, particularly you women out there, have any suggestions? Before you answer, neither diamonds or cars will suffice as an answer. This is about depression; hers, not driving me to the brink of financial depression.

I thought you were talking about orgasm! (can't help ya there buddy just practice, practice, practice..smiling)

Anywho...

I have never had a number issue with age but my sister is another story. She sounds like your wife. When she hit 50 it was SUCH a major thing the same as 40 and 30.

I think what would help your wife is to let her know that all her loved ones are still around her and nothing about that has changed. You are still there by her side and don't plan to go anywhere. ( I have a hunch it has something to do with looks and time progressing that makes it so hard for some to handle birthdays).

Nothing says I love you baby like diamonds or gold. But that's just me. A nice tennis Bracelet and a night of passion would do it for me. *And must you ask for the senior discount in her presence if it bothers her so?* I'd rather pay the extra $5 for peace of mind for her.

[wavydaby 1]

I just read how you were working in the lawn to do something that she has wanted the lawn to have for quite sometime now.

I don't know how Tina will react, but I would LOVE it!!!!!!

Im also the woman that has no problem in getting home gizmo's. (ie. new washer, vacuum, blender) So long as that new gizmo is 1000x's better than what I have.

Yes, I asked for a Dyson vacuum for Christmas, but I didnt get it. I did get a blender for my b-day last year.

I would just be beyond words if I came home to my lawn having some work that I wanted done to it.

But thats me, and if Tina thinks remotely like that.. consider B-day present cared for.

On to the medical issues.

I dont know what to say or how offer advice. I will keep you in my prayers and offer up the fact that I know people that have MS that do have long and productive lives.

[Wheetsin 714]

None the less, she still is in a funk about turning 60. Does anyone, particularly you women out there, have any suggestions?

Well... let's see. When I tell DH I don't want a party, or presents, or any special attention, I mean it and it bothers me when he doesn't listen to me, though I always acknowledge that he means well.

I know she's away caring for an ill mother. Would it be possible for you to fly to where she is and surprise her? The cost of a ticket is what it is (unles you've retained flight privledges - even better), but think of it in terms of the emotional support you can give her that just isn't there over the phone (I know, DH and I had a LDR for a few years). Perhaps seeing you and being able to get a hug could do more for her depression and state of mind than anything else, and give her exactly the little "pick me up" she's undoubtedly needing right about now.

If you can do that, when you get there, don't make a big fuss over her birthday. Make it be about you being there for her, and it just happens to be her birthday too. Don't get a big fancy cake, go buy her favorite treat and stick a candle in it. Tell her "happy birthday", but tell her "I'm here for you" more.

Even if it's just a day or two, having you there is going to be (I would think) what she wants and needs most.

Trying to put myself in her shoes, or imagine it were my DH and I in the same spot, this is what I would do. How do you think Tina would respond?

On the MS, I am sorry to hear that. There's nothing I can say that will make it any better for you, but keep us posted. I do have a friend with severe (progressed) MS, so I know there are some very effective meds out there. Is this a formal diagnosis, or just conversationally/as a possibility?

[Wheetsin 714]

Oh and also, on whether to tell or not tell...

If she's already a bit fragile, mentally - depression, anxiety, etc., and already carrying a heavy mental distress load (which caring for a sick parent will do), do not tell her right now. Especially if it isn't "for sure". But to tell her as soon as you're able to while being there for her. So in other words, when she returns. Unless she's gone for a loong time. Any word on when she's scheduled to return home, or does it depend on what happens with her mother?

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

First I want to thank everyone again for all the advice. I also spoke to my church group, my son and an old friend of Tina and I, who is going to be 65 next month and is a nurse.

I went to the neurologist today for an 11:15 appointment. I waited until almost noon to be called in and then found out that the MRI report had never gotten to the neurologist's office. When I complained about not being able to discuss anything, he said, "It's not my fault". I explained that the other doctor's staff made my appointment over the phone and I heard them ask for the fax number, put the report into the machine and FAX it. But he said "we never got it". So we talked about what I could remember from the MRI report and about the symptoms I had in 1999. And he did some tests.

It turned out that my neurologist in Brooklyn in 1999 was his ex-classmate, that he worked at that hospital years ago and the doctor that I was sent to, to do the test that my insurance would not pay for was their teacher.

Well, after he warmed up, things changed toward me. I left the office and drove to my referring doctor's office and after jumping through some hoops, I was given the MRI CD and the report. I took it back to the neurologist, who called me back in and played the CD and read the report. He found 3 instances of Demyelination, but none were large and none correlated to my previous symptoms from 1999.

He gave me a Rx for Lexapro, an anti-depressant, and said that we would just have to wait for some symptoms to rear their ugly head, because he doesn't want to treat me with the powerful drugs that are used against MS unless he is positive that I have it. He sent a request to the hospital where I had the MRI in 1999 and I made an appointment to come back in 3.5 weeks. Maybe comparing the MRI's, might show something. But as of now, he can not say conclusively that I have MS, nor can he rule it out.

As far as Tina is concerned, I see no need to tell her that I might have something until I know that there is a higher probability. If the neurologist had told me today that I had MS or any other disease, I would have told Tina after her birthday, but since I have no real news to tell her, I will just say that he is treating me for depression. If she asks a lot of questions, I will tell her what I know, but there is no sense scaring her with unfounded information. MS conjures up some pretty strong images in many people's minds.

As far as Tina's birthday is concerned, I'm sure when she sees the yard work I did, she will be happy and last week, I went out on my minister's boat, and my minister and I brought back some blue-claw crabs (Tina's favorite) which I cooked for Tina. So after I pick her up from the airport tomorrow, I hope the yard work and crabs will perk her up and I will try to take her out to dinner on Friday, the day before her birthday and then play it by ear from there. We may have Brooklyn over on Saturday and Brooklyn might say Happy Birthday, and how can any proud Grand Ma fight that?

[BJean 16]

Thanks TOM for such a good report. I will keep my fingers crossed that this continues to be the news you get and that you won't be diagnosed with MS. It is great that, even though the day must have been really rough for you, the news is better than what it could have been. I am sure you are exhausted with all the waiting, chasing down the MRI results, etc. Thank goodness you knew somebody who knew somebody or you wouldn't have learned as much as you did.

I took Lexapro for a while before the Wellbutrin. At first you may get pretty tired. Most people do and then the tired-ness wears off. For most people. It didn't for me. I wound up practically sleeping all day. That's why I was changed to Wellbutrin. Most people have very good results with Lexapro. Wellbutrin tends to make one a horn dog. :paranoid I'm sure you don't need that.

What you have lying in wait for Tina couldn't be neater! Her favorite kind of crab and a lot of difficult yard work that really will make a difference for her. Your plan to take her to dinner on Friday is perfect! You can make her feel special without making it all about the big six-oh. Having the plan for Brooklyn to come on Saturday will be fun for Tina. Now if you can just buy some stock in Lexapro and get some for the whole family.... Just kidding.

I'm glad she'll be back with you tomorrow. You both need it. I'll be thinking of you.

[momlambert 77]

So glad things turned out as well as they did and that you sound so grounded and confident of what you are doing for Tina when she returns tomorrow--you should be! What an awesome plan. Still sending prayers your way but you can pass them on , if you don't need them! Have a wonderful week with your sweetheart and family. And do let us know what Tina says when she sees your yard! How exciting!!!!

[Alexandra 55]

Thank goodness for the good medical report, TOM. I'm so glad to hear it! Now for the next several days remember that you'll be recovering from hauling tons of rocks around, so wait until after that to record any symptoms.

What a terrific gift the new landscaping is going to be! I know that when my husband does anything like that as a surprise, it touches me to my very core. A painted bathroom, a rearranged closet, a spruced-up car; whatever it is it shows beyond doubt that he's been thinking of my in my absence, and isn't that really all any of us want? She will be thrilled beyond measure.

Have a wonderful reunion, the two of you. My thoughts are with you both. :hug:

[Lap_dancer 8]

First I want to thank everyone again for all the advice. I also spoke to my church group, my son and an old friend of Tina and I, who is going to be 65 next month and is a nurse.

I went to the neurologist today for an 11:15 appointment. I waited until almost noon to be called in and then found out that the MRI report had never gotten to the neurologist's office. When I complained about not being able to discuss anything, he said, "It's not my fault". I explained that the other doctor's staff made my appointment over the phone and I heard them ask for the fax number, put the report into the machine and FAX it. But he said "we never got it". So we talked about what I could remember from the MRI report and about the symptoms I had in 1999. And he did some tests.

It turned out that my neurologist in Brooklyn in 1999 was his ex-classmate, that he worked at that hospital years ago and the doctor that I was sent to, to do the test that my insurance would not pay for was their teacher.

Well, after he warmed up, things changed toward me. I left the office and drove to my referring doctor's office and after jumping through some hoops, I was given the MRI CD and the report. I took it back to the neurologist, who called me back in and played the CD and read the report. He found 3 instances of Demyelination, but none were large and none correlated to my previous symptoms from 1999.

He gave me a Rx for Lexapro, an anti-depressant, and said that we would just have to wait for some symptoms to rear their ugly head, because he doesn't want to treat me with the powerful drugs that are used against MS unless he is positive that I have it. He sent a request to the hospital where I had the MRI in 1999 and I made an appointment to come back in 3.5 weeks. Maybe comparing the MRI's, might show something. But as of now, he can not say conclusively that I have MS, nor can he rule it out.

As far as Tina is concerned, I see no need to tell her that I might have something until I know that there is a higher probability. If the neurologist had told me today that I had MS or any other disease, I would have told Tina after her birthday, but since I have no real news to tell her, I will just say that he is treating me for depression. If she asks a lot of questions, I will tell her what I know, but there is no sense scaring her with unfounded information. MS conjures up some pretty strong images in many people's minds.

As far as Tina's birthday is concerned, I'm sure when she sees the yard work I did, she will be happy and last week, I went out on my minister's boat, and my minister and I brought back some blue-claw crabs (Tina's favorite) which I cooked for Tina. So after I pick her up from the airport tomorrow, I hope the yard work and crabs will perk her up and I will try to take her out to dinner on Friday, the day before her birthday and then play it by ear from there. We may have Brooklyn over on Saturday and Brooklyn might say Happy Birthday, and how can any proud Grand Ma fight that?

What a great post! You had a productive day and I'm sure you will rest well tonight having the worry out of your mind that things may have degenerated.

Enjoy the crab! :hungry:

[StephC 0]

I'm anxious to hear Tina's reaction to all of your hard work. My sweet husband finally did some work in the house this winter that I had been begging him to do for a long, long time. New hardwood floors and a wall torn out. It meant the world to me. I think dinner with her favorite guy will be the icing on the cake. Good job TOM!

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

I was just checking the priority list for Tina's flight out of LGA (LaGuardia Airport) and she is in good shape as a standby passenger. If she didn't make it today, she would have to wait until next Monday for an open flight, but even if she was "bounced" from this flight to West Palm Beach (one hour drive from home), she still has 3 good chances to make it to Miami (two and ½ hour drive).

I hope Tina likes my surprises and I will post to let everyone know how things work out, both on her birthday and today when she gets to the house.

I will be reducing my posting at LBT for a while to try to be more of a comfort to Tina. I am not being a nice guy, 'cause while I comfort her, the mutual sharing of love will also be a great comfort to me.

Thanks again for all the advice, comforting words, prayers, shared knowledge and good wishes, and thanks for just being there.