I need Help to Help my wife with her Big 0's

[Kat817 19]

You say she just returned not long ago from Brooklyn---but maybe she would like to spend her birthday with her Mom---the one other person that was surely there the day she was born. I realize she is in the hospital---but maybe she feels a need to spend more time with her.

My husband sent my MOM flowers on MY birthday!!! At first I thought he was nuts, but seeing how thrilled she was to get the flowers saying "thanks for having such a wonderful daughter"---her happiness, made mine even more. Moms are very special.

Hope youcan figure out a way to make it an easy transition.

Kat

[Carlene 12]

Only you know Tina, TOM. Is she the "coy" type, or does she say what she means, and mean what she says?

If I told my DH to pretend I wasn't having a BD and he planned a party, bought a cake, etc, I would be furious. I'm smart enough to know my own mind.

[Devana 0]

Thank you.

I am not a typical husband. In our almost 40 years of marriage, I have never bought my wife a gift for the house for her birthday, Mother's Day, Christmas or our anniversary They are always personal presents. I know the size of every piece of clothing (including underwear) and she is more likely to get something from "Frederick's of Hollywood" than a "Sears catalog". She has enough jewelery to double her weight (joke). My biggest problem is finding something that she both desires and needs. Mick Jagger and Fabio are not allowable desires for her gift wish list.

I have always made her birthdays special, with elaborately wrapped gifts and surprise parties at friend's homes. Once, I even faked my car breaking down a few blocks from a friend's home, so that when we walked to his home to use the phone to call for help (pre-cell phone), there were 20 people there to yell "Surprise".

Geez, TOM, I'll bet you cook, too! No, that would be too perfect.

[Devana 0]

We have very few friends where we live. We only moved here 3 years ago and the neighbors have been moving in and out like wild-fire (I guess I should take a bath more often that once a month, but we have 4/10's of an acre). The only people we really have is my son's family and they have been put on notice: No birthday presents, no party, no celebration, no dinner out.

This can be hard, too, being away from your traditional network of support and friends. And it's not always easy to find new ones. I really became aware of how terribly important our networks are when I was going through some post traumatic stress. My sweetie was right there for me as were my family, but it was socializing with my girlfriends that really helped heal me. Just getting out for the odd coffee or lunch was better than drugs for me.

[Elisabethsew 50]

Before addressing the issue of her birthday, I would make sure that her mental health is OK. Clinical depression is nothing to be taken lightly and it sounds as if your wife has isolated herself to a few family members. Could it be that her turning 60 is just the "event" that brought to light what has been brewing for awhile?

[Davyna 0]

Hi T_O_M,

It seems to me that aging has a lot to do with perspective. Are we looking at it as one step closer to retirement and relaxation, or one step closer to the end of life? What does she think of when she thinks about turning 60, what kind of thoughts go through her head? This would be a good indication of how she really feels about getting older.

Instead of a birthday party or something, how about taking a trip somewhere, just the two of you, something she's always wanted to do perhaps? Something to distract her, if you will, from the actual number "6-0" and instead focus her on the beauty of the world's wonders and how great it is to be able to experience these things. Just a suggestion

I realize it's difficult to plan something like that when you have so much else going on in your family right now. Remember that it's important to take time for yourselves as well as be concerned for others.

Good luck to you.

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

You say she just returned not long ago from Brooklyn---but maybe she would like to spend her birthday with her Mom---the one other person that was surely there the day she was born. I realize she is in the hospital---but maybe she feels a need to spend more time with her.

Tina's mother has Alzheimer's disease and doesn't know Tina from Eve (or Adam for that matter). Tina is going up to Brooklyn on Wednesday and returning on the 26th. Tina demanded that she be with me for her birthday when I listed her for the flights. If Tina's mother had any ability to comprehend that Tina was her daughter, then it might be different. As it is, Tina is happy when her mother knows that Tina is not someone to be feared.

[Kat817 19]

Ahhhh I had no idea, maybe I didn't read close enough---sorry. I lost a Grandmother with Alzheimers.

How old was her Mom when she was diagnosed? My Dad gets very moody over the fear he may be next with the wretched disease.

Kat

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

Geez, TOM, I'll bet you cook, too! No, that would be too perfect.

Actually, I taught Tina to cook when we first married. She was the baby of 5 sibling and the Tom-Boy (maybe that's why she married me?) of the two sisters. Her older sister learned how to cook, but Tina never did.

I used to kid her that she could burn Water, but it saved us money on coffee.

PS: She is a very good cook now. Why do you think I needed a Lap-Band?

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

Only you know Tina, TOM. Is she the "coy" type, or does she say what she means, and mean what she says?

If I told my DH to pretend I wasn't having a BD and he planned a party, bought a cake, etc, I would be furious. I'm smart enough to know my own mind.

She says what she means except when it comes to holding in pain, then her British (born in London) upbringing of "keeping a stiff upper lip" comes in to play.

We were watching "Crash" last night (for the third time) and we both started crying when the Persian store owner tried to shoot the locksmith, but the locksmith's 5 year old daughter jumped in the way to protect her father.

We both wound up hugging and crying together, and Tina seems to be better today. I guess the showing of love between family members (in the movie) resonated with both of us and made our little family (the two of us) feel more appreciated.

I didn't plan it, but I knew that scene always gets to us and sometimes crying can wash away resistance to intimacy. I hope the good cry can have some lasting value, if only for a few days.

[Victoriana 10]

Just a thought, but being sad about your age is an acceptable outlet for being depressed. Its safe to be sad about it, but, could she be sad about anything else that might be underlying this? Its March and this is just about the time that people with SAD or Seasonal Affective Disorder feel thier worst because of the long term loss of seratonin. And the body beginning to ramp up again because of longer daylight.

I dunno, just a thought, and maybe you could take a few long walks in the sunshine to help with this naturally, as walking helps this also, its not just about the light.

One thing that makes me feel young again at times is listening to the oldies, you know the link you put in for the juke box? Im listening to it and singing and music always lifts my spirits. Best wishes, and hope its tempory for sure.

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

Ahhhh I had no idea, maybe I didn't read close enough---sorry. I lost a Grandmother with Alzheimers.

How old was her Mom when she was diagnosed? My Dad gets very moody over the fear he may be next with the wretched disease.

Kat

It has been about 7 years now. She will be 90 this year.

I pray for a treatment and/or vaccine for this scurge.

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

Just a thought, but being sad about your age is an acceptable outlet for being depressed. Its safe to be sad about it, but, could she be sad about anything else that might be underlying this? Its March and this is just about the time that people with SAD or Seasonal Affective Disorder feel thier worst because of the long term loss of seratonin. And the body beginning to ramp up again because of longer daylight.

I dunno, just a thought, and maybe you could take a few long walks in the sunshine to help with this naturally, as walking helps this also, its not just about the light.

One thing that makes me feel young again at times is listening to the oldies, you know the link you put in for the juke box? Im listening to it and singing and music always lifts my spirits. Best wishes, and hope its tempory for sure.

I hope you are right about the season, though it never had this effect before.

Walks are out. I need two artificial knees and Tina has arthritis of the hip.

We listen to our "Oldies" from the 60's quite often. For Valentine's day, we both got each other (without the other's knowledge) those musical flowers/toys that play a song when you press a button. Every time I pass mine, I hit it as does Tina to hers.

[Victoriana 10]

I have one thing that I am always uplifted by... When I feel blue, I tell my DH and ask him to pray for me,(he knows I mean out loud).. and I just cant discribe the peace. It makes me cry to think of it, God I love that man.

Hope you find what you need for her TOM.

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

Tina told me if I want to see her happy, then "stop wasting time on that computer".

I guess the garden work and working on the car, paying some bills online and adjusting all the clocks and VCR's wasn't enough work for her today. :faint:

See ya L8R!!