I need Help to Help my wife with her Big 0's

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

She's adorable TOM.

Thank you.

Tina is too, but she would have my head if I posted a picture of her.

She doesn't believe in this "internet forum foolishness".:faint:

[green 6]

Thanks again to all for your welcome comments and suggestions.

Green, I am sorry to hear of your loses of both your brother and mother. Was he very young? Not that anyone is ever old enough to make their death acceptable, but I was just curious.

My mother-in-law and Tina also both faced the lose of Tina's brother, and even though I was told that it was not my fault, I have never forgiven myself for his death. On July 12th, 1984, Tina's parents were spending the day with us. We lived about 4 miles apart (in Brooklyn) and Tina's father was showing the first signs of Alzheimer's, so we took him to get a new suit for his doctor's appointment (he was very old fashioned about looking spiffy for any formal occasion). We stopped at our house after we bought the suit and I suggested that my in-laws stay for a barbecue and that we pick up Tina's 45 year old brother, who was a paraplegic because of a childhood bout with meningitis, to eat with us. Tina's mother said that would be wonderful and that she would like to pick up some things at her house when we picked up the brother. Because I had a very small car, a 2 door Chevette, we decided that it would be easier if only mom and I went to pick up the brother, since both the 82 year old father and the brother had a difficult time getting in and out of the car.

It is a good thing that we made that choice because on the way back to my home after picking up the brother, a truck ran a red light at 70 miles per hour and hit my car on the passenger side, knocking me out through the side door window. I would have died if I had not had my seat belt on. As it was, Tina's mother and brother both were taken to Kings County Hospital where the brother died after 3 surgeries on Friday the 13th. The car was so badly damaged, that the next day, I sat in the driver's seat (at the junkyard) and put my left arm through the driver's door window and my right arm through the passenger door window.

Even though the traffic investigation team said that it was the most one sided accident they have ever investigated (blame wise), I have always said and felt that a driver is responsible for the lives of his passengers and I begged Tina's forgiveness. The only thing she did not forgive me for was that she was not able to grieve properly, because she was worried about my feelings of guilt and spent her grieving time consoling me.

The truck driver was convicted of criminally negligent homicide, his license was suspended, he received a 5 year (suspended) prison term and 300 hours of community service working in an ER.

He didn't learn his lesson. A few years later at the same corner as the accident, I was driving home with Tina in the car and I saw a truck from the same company that hit my car. I said to Tina, "that may be the truck driver" and sure enough, he jumped the light before it turned green to make a left turn almost hitting cars coming through the intersection. I saw the driver and it was "him". Some people never learn.

That is a terrible, terrible accident! I am so sorry that you and your family experienced that.

My brother died suddenly of undiagnosed bowel cancer. He didn't like doctors and hadn't seen one for ten years. (I suppose that this attitude might be considered kind of ironic considering that our middle sib is a doctor.) He had had back pains and was suffering from periodic difficulties in his digestive system. He put this down to middle age. When the pains became excruciating he took himself to emergency. They ultrasounded him and found a huge mass. They said that they would have to operate on him ASAP but that it didn't look good. He and I chatted about this later that night on the phone. He sounded his usual self and we talked as though we had decades ahead of us. Later that night he fell into a coma, was rushed into intensive care, and died a week and a half later. He was 48. It was a truly awful blow to our small family.

My mother died two months later to the day due to a botched colonoscopy. They fixed this surgically and she initially seemed to be rallying but then she quickly went down hill. This is why I think she died of a broken heart.

I was already off work due to major depression. I grieved them violently for the first year. The second year was easier. This happened two years ago.

Oh, and by the way, I have the same birthday as your mum. I was born on the 4th of July, too.

[green 6]

I'm having something of the same problem. I will be 60 in late July and I'm not sure what to do about it. Usually I throw myself a big party on my 10 year birthdays. I had a doozy on the 40th birthday and a so-so party on my 50th birthday, but I don't want to throw a party for my 60th birthday. My friends think I should, but I'm just not sure I want to Celebrate being 60. I figure I'll be dead in about 15 years and that's isn't something I want to celebrate though I'd rather be dead than really old and sick. A day at the spa would be nice though. One earns that sort of luxury by my age, so I may just give myself the "works" at the local spa. At 60, I don't have the energy to run around and give parties, but I do need the downtime that a spa would give me. For a change, someone would be taking care of me. So I may ask for that for my birthday as a gift from my family. I'd like to have a whirlpool bath, a pedicure, a facial, a massage and maybe a facial peel. Then I'd like to have a makeup artist do my makeup and hair so I won't feel old; I'll feel pretty. I might even like to be encased in mud or whatever other crap they offer.You might like to see if your wife would like a day of total pampering and damn the cost. If it was me, I take it in a New York minute. Just a thought.

I know that this is going to sound awfully shallow but I gave myself some plastic surgery for my 50th birthday. I had my jawline excavated as it had become rather mushy and gave myself lips. I come from a family that is thin-lipped on both sides and I wanted to be able to wear lipstick before I died. I also wanted to see my jawline again. :phanvan

Well, this was all microsurgery and the surgeon also filled in the lines that run between the nose and mouth while he was there. I ended looking much the same but much, much improved; tidied up, you could say. My recovery was quick and I am still happy with the results.

Now that my 60th is approaching I am planning to have some more work done. A nice side benefit where I live is that such surgery is income tax deductible.

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

I know that this is going to sound awfully shallow but I gave myself some plastic surgery for my 50th birthday. I had my jawline excavated as it had become rather mushy and gave myself lips. I come from a family that is thin-lipped on both sides and I wanted to be able to wear lipstick before I died. I also wanted to see my jawline again. :phanvan

Well, this was all microsurgery and the surgeon also filled in the lines that run between the nose and mouth while he was there. I ended looking much the same but much, much improved; tidied up, you could say. My recovery was quick and I am still happy with the results.

Now that my 60th is approaching I am planning to have some more work done. A nice side benefit where I live is that such surgery is income tax deductible.

Good for you. It is your body and you have to decide what you want and need out of life.

Tina on the other hand (and I also) do not believe in plastic surgery (for ourselves) except in cases of disfigurement through an accident.

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

Well, I just got rid of Tina today. Out of the house at 7:35am to take the 100 mile drive in order to get her to Miami airport for a 12:05pm flight to LGA.

We got up at 6am, turned on the TV and found out that a tracker-trailer (18 wheeler) had overturned on the Florida Turnpike (AKA Ronald Reagan Turnpike) in the Northbound direction shutting down all Northbound legs and causing 5 miles of backups in the Southbound direction (a good topic for the "What peeves you" thread) about half way between our home and the airport. So we left about 30 minutes early intending to switch from the Turnpike to Interstate 95 after about 25 miles. About 5 minutes after we get on the Turnpike, the radio traffic report says that there was a crash on I95 about 2 exits away from the Turnpike crash.

Anyway, I stayed on the Turnpike and by the time we got to the 18 wheeler crash, the 18 wheeler had been lifted by a crane and the Northbound direction was open, though the Southbound direction still had about a mile of rubbernecking delays.

We got to Miami International Airport almost 2 hours before departure. If I had not put on the TV, we would have gotten there on time. Go figure.

Tina will be gone for 12 days, so if any of you ladies want to drop around...

[green 6]

Thank you.

Tina is too, but she would have my head if I posted a picture of her.

She doesn't believe in this "internet forum foolishness".:faint:

It is interesting to read that Tina is kinda anti-internet. When we first got our computers I became very annoyed with my mate because he spent vast amounts of his free time on the computer, either playing games or drifting around on the internet. And when he wasn't on the computer he was up at his parents' cottage doing chores.

I was wildly jealous of his devotion to his parents and completely bugged by his devotion to the computer because it seemed that I myself and our household needs were getting the short end of the stick. I was only stopped from becoming a nasty, shrewish grrl because I knew that I was in fact very lucky to be with this man and that these frustrations were really kinda minor.

Well, now the tables have turned! Now I am the computer addict and it is my poor mate who has to pry me away from my PC. And it is he who sometimes takes up the slack with respect to the household chores.

And I have finally, after long years of living with my mate, acquired a taste for country life and, in particular, country chores! I will voluntarily allow myself to be separated from the city, the internet, and all the mod cons if I am allowed to do outdoor work when I land up in the land of lakes and woods.

I am now an internet addict. I find the internet to be arguably the greatest cultural leap for mankind after the invention of the Guttenberg Press. Moreover, the internet is truly democratic; everyone who has access to the internet has a voice. Nothing is filtered here.

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

It is interesting to read that Tina is kinda anti-internet. When we first got our computers I became very annoyed with my mate because he spent vast amounts of his free time on the computer, either playing games or drifting around on the internet. And when he wasn't on the computer he was up at his parents' cottage doing chores.

I was wildly jealous of his devotion to his parents and completely bugged by his devotion to the computer because it seemed that I myself and our household needs were getting the short end of the stick. I was only stopped from becoming a nasty, shrewish grrl because I knew that I was in fact very lucky to be with this man and that these frustrations were really kinda minor.

Well, now the tables have turned! Now I am the computer addict and it is my poor mate who has to pry me away from my PC. And it is he who sometimes takes up the slack with respect to the household chores.

And I have finally, after long years of living with my mate, acquired a taste for country life and, in particular, country chores! I will voluntarily allow myself to be separated from the city, the internet, and all the mod cons if I am allowed to do outdoor work when I land up in the land of lakes and woods.

I am now an internet addict. I find the internet to be arguably the greatest cultural leap for mankind after the invention of the Guttenberg Press. Moreover, the internet is truly democratic; everyone who has access to the internet has a voice. Nothing is filtered here.

Tina complains when I am at forums "running my mouth" as she puts it, but when she gets on her iMac and starts answering and forwarding e-mails or writing letters to her relatives in the UK, or IM'ing with friends and/or family, I can not pry her away from it.

She doesn't believe in this "internet forum foolishness", but she loves her iMac.

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

Yesterday afternoon, I called Tina on the phone. She was crying because she had just spent 5 hours at her mother's nursing home and during that time her mother opened her eyes 3 or 4 times for a total of less than one minute and then nodded off back to sleep each time. Tina feels so helpless. She is wondering why her brother had been calling her on the phone almost every day to come up to Brooklyn from Florida, if it is only to watch her mother sleeping. Tina was also very concerned that her mother was swollen with many bruises.

I felt so helpless. I wanted to hug Tina and try to comfort her. I know (from almost 40 years of marriage) that when she starts saying "I'm ok" that she really needs someone there to hug her and I wanted to feel her head on my shoulder so that her tears would have some place to land.

I felt helpless because she felt helpless.:help:

The most important thing that I could do was to make sure feeling helpless was not confused with feeling worthless. Too many times, we are helpless to solve the problems that face us, so we feel worthless. But that is never true. We always maintain our human worth no matter how much or how little we are able to influence the situation around us.

I hope I succeeded and Tina still realizes her self worth.

[Elisabethsew 50]

Is there any chance of you going to NY and making the trip back to Florida with Tina?

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

Is there any chance of you going to NY and making the trip back to Florida with Tina?

We are not in bad financial shape, but neither are we wallowing in money. We are able to fly for free because I was an aircraft mechanic and it is part of my retirement package, but we must fly standby. Today JetBlue canceled 300 flights, and American, United and Delta also canceled many flights because of the weather on the East coast. That will back up travel for all airlines and make it difficult to travel on standby. I am worried about Tina getting home. Trying to get there will only make it worse.

I forgot if it was in this thread or another, but I mentioned that I tried to make it to NY recently and there were no flights available, so I went through Raleigh/Durham NC, but then got stuck there and wound up coming back to Florida without ever getting to NY. It was so bad that even buying a full fare ticket wouldn't have helped. They were buying people off of the flights with vouchers for future travel.

[Carlene 12]

I forgot if it was in this thread or another, but I mentioned that I tried to make it to NY recently and there were no flights available, so I went through Raleigh/Durham NC, but then got stuck there and wound up coming back to Florida without ever getting to NY.

I feel your pain. We also fly non-rev and it gets increasingly harder each year. My DH has family near Orlando but we can't fly into Orlando because of Disneyworld and the cruise lines arriving/departing. We have to fly to Tampa, rent a car, and drive to Orlando. But on the up-side, they are still flying! And they have not deep-sixed their defined pension plan, like so many others.

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

I keep hearing numbers like 2,500 flights canceled or 4,000 flights canceled. I am not sure which is true, but things are not looking good for Tina to make it home on time next week.

I want her home for her birthday, the “BIG 6 - 0”, on the 31st.

I also need her home for our dentist appointment to get our teeth cleaned. Around her, it takes a 5 month notice to get an appointment to get your teeth cleaned. This is a great area to open up a dentistry practice.

[jahair 0]

Yesterday afternoon, I called Tina on the phone. She was crying because she had just spent 5 hours at her mother's nursing home and during that time her mother opened her eyes 3 or 4 times for a total of less than one minute and then nodded off back to sleep each time. Tina feels so helpless. She is wondering why her brother had been calling her on the phone almost every day to come up to Brooklyn from Florida, if it is only to watch her mother sleeping. Tina was also very concerned that her mother was swollen with many bruises.

I felt so helpless. I wanted to hug Tina and try to comfort her. I know (from almost 40 years of marriage) that when she starts saying "I'm ok" that she really needs someone there to hug her and I wanted to feel her head on my shoulder so that her tears would have some place to land.

I felt helpless because she felt helpless.:help:

The most important thing that I could do was to make sure feeling helpless was not confused with feeling worthless. Too many times, we are helpless to solve the problems that face us, so we feel worthless. But that is never true. We always maintain our human worth no matter how much or how little we are able to influence the situation around us.

I hope I succeeded and Tina still realizes her self worth.

T-O-M,

I just love you! Your big heart and obvious anguish over your wife's struggles endears you to me big time!:clap2: :clap2:

I saw earlier that you need both knees replaced. Does that mean you are not physically able to go to NYC to support her? If not, can you make arrangement for her to get a little spa treatment (particularly a massage)? In my experience, everthing looks a little lighter when those tight muscles that you've been holding because of grief, anger, sadness or all of the above are released. At the very least, she will rest better.

We are here for you. Keep posting,

Jo Ann

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

I suggested a day at a Spa, but she went ballistic.

She thinks that it would be a waste of money. She will not allow me to spoil her, because of her upbringing. If I spend too much money on a present, she gets very annoyed. I have had to tell her that the Jewelery that I have bought her is something that we could always sell to get back our money if we needed it (though I never would).

One time when Tina had to go to NY to visit her mother for her mother's birthday, there were no (standby) flights available for her, so she said she would bypass it that year. Then I told her that a flight had opened up. I waited until we had driven the 60 miles to the airport to give her the ticket for a flight on JetBlue (which of course I had paid for) and when she had a fit, I told her that there were no refunds, so it was going to cost us whether she got on or not.

Clothing is ok, because it is useful. Flowers are not good because they die, so I buy her (potted) flowers that she can plant later.

I keep telling her that she is worth the money, she says she knows, but still resists most thing that will not last. dinner out, the movies, a sporting event, a show or an amusement park are about the only things that she will go for that have no lasting value.

I will find a way to make her happy on her "BIG 6 - 0", even if I have to hypnotize her first. My only worry is that she will not make it back in time for her birthday.

[green 6]

Your Tina is starting to remind me of my mum, another Brit. My mum had a difficult time spending money on personal pleasures. This was in sharp contrast to her sister who spent her way through her share of their inheritance within a couple of decades and ended up on welfare. Of my two parents my father was more comfortable spending money; my mother became very chary of her money after my father died even though we kids were always after her to loosen up and enjoy herself a little more. In fact spending money was not enjoyable to my mother.

When she died she left my brother and I quite a nice bunch of change. It was enough for me to take early retirement and it bought me this lapband and my now thinner body.

I hope Tina gets back in time for her birthday and that you make her a terrifically happy woman on that day. I am sure you will.