I need Help to Help my wife with her Big 0's

[Carlene 12]

Tina told me if I want to see her happy, then "stop wasting time on that computer".

I wish my DH would "waste" more time on the computer and less on the golf course.

Everything is relative to something.

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

I wish my DH would "waste" more time on the computer and less on the golf course.

Everything is relative to something.

When she got up this morning, Tina apologized for her outburst yesterday. I understand the pressure and though I am no one's whipping boy, I was there as needed to act as Tina's safety valve.

Tina was upset because her sister who lives 20 minutes (by subway) from their mother's nursing home, has not been been to the nursing home all week. The mother was moved from the hospital last Monday and no on has looked in on her except the brother who lives in New Jersey, but works in Brooklyn.

Tina's mother has 15 adult grandchildren/great grandchildren who live within a hour of the nursing home, yet Tina has to fly 1400 miles to take care of her mother. Tina doesn't resent going to Brooklyn, but she can't live there. She has been to Brooklyn twice so far this year and Wednesday will be the third time.

Tina was so disgusted at her sister's excuses for not visiting, that she clammed up and would not speak to me, until the pressure built so high that she exploded (at me).

[Victoriana 10]

Well TOM, you are her safe place and as Dr. Phil would say, her soft place to land. I would be irritated with my family too! Why is it so hard for people to see past thier own needs and put someone elses ahead for a season in thier life? I live far from my aging father and it pains me, I love and miss him so much and phone calls can only do so much. I am proud of my son and his wife, who is an elder care giver, as they have moved in with him for a while to help manage his meds and let me know when he has taken a spill or something like that. It will be all too soon and he wont be here anymore. I am glad your wife has the ability to visit as often as she does, even if the distance is far. I know that after her mom is gone, she will be able to hold her head high and look in the mirror without anything bothering her concience. Some of the grandchildren etc may learn this the hard way... I hope not. You have a neat wife.

[giveyouthemoon 4]

Tina was so disgusted at her sister's excuses for not visiting, that she clammed up and would not speak to me, until the pressure built so high that she exploded (at me).

Well...it's always easy to take it out on the ones we know are closest to us. The ones we know won't go away. The ones we can be truly ugly with and they still love us.

Tho it doesn't soothe your wounds, but damn, it's a good sign she got it out.

This Tina, she sounds very mentally healthy to me. You got yourself a good woman, TOM.

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

Thank you both, giveyouthemoon & Victoriana.

I spoke to my minister after church, today and he gave me some required verbal support. My fellow church members also were very supportive. We each look after the other's emotional needs and try to share in both sorrows and joys.

Human fellowship is so important, but so overlooked by most people.

I want to thank everyone who has contributed support in this thread. Just writing about my problems with my wife's problems has been beneficial to both my wife and I. It has been my safety valve.

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

I was helping my son move some stuff with my pickup truck today and I took a break to call Tina just to tell her I love her and to see how she was doing. As soon as she answered the phone, I knew she was crying.

I bugged her until she told me why. She was thinking about her mother and her condition, plus, last week, we were talking on the phone (3 way conversation) to an old friend (since the early 1960's), Nancy who has lost her mother early last year. When Tina was telling the woman about her mother's condition, the women said, maybe her passing might be a blessing. Tina said, "no, no, I don't want that" and our friend (a retired nurse) said that maybe Tina's mother might be suffering and with no hope of "real" recovery...

After the phone call was over, Tina and I talked about the conversation at length, and Tina said she wasn't angry at Nancy and down deep she knows she is right, but that she can not face the thought of losing her mother.

Today Tina told me over the phone that she was packing for her trip to visit her mother and while thinking about her mother, Nancy's remark hit her and she started crying just a few minutes before my call. We talked again and she said she was not angry at Nancy, but she doesn't understand how Nancy could have said that. Then later as we talked, she said she did understand, but thinking about it makes her cry.

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

The Love of Our Lives

[Carlene 12]

Ahhhhhhhhhh....a heartbreaker in training.

[Carlene 12]

Today Tina told me over the phone that she was packing for her trip to visit her mother and while thinking about her mother, Nancy's remark hit her and she started crying just a few minutes before my call. We talked again and she said she was not angry at Nancy, but she doesn't understand how Nancy could have said that. Then later as we talked, she said she did understand, but thinking about it makes her cry.

TOM...you are never ready to lose your mom. My mother's death was extremely traumatic for me, even though she was chronically ill for several years and many people told me the same thing - that it was "a blessing".

It is the natural order of things. We are supposed to bury our parents, but it's very hard. Your mom is the anchor that keeps your life connected. Your childhood, adolescence - your whole life is stored in her heart and mind. Losing your mom is like losing a part of yourself.

[Cat804 0]

Hi TOM... I've been reading through this thread and you have gotten some great advice and compassionate electronic shoulders. This is such a great board! Thought I would add my two cents.

From the sound of things it may be your wife is overwhelmed by not only being the primary care giver from so far away but also she may not be saying that she is afraid this is her future as well and birthdays just are that much more scary. I know occasionally my mother will ask me if I think her mind is "not right" and I thought I was being very supportive and assured her that she was fine. Well, the last visit to the doctor she asked him if she had any symptoms of alzheimers. Even after he told her that she didn't, I could tell she was still worried. Just a thought.

Also, about the gift. Someone suggested a gift certificate to a spa...I'd go a bit farther. Make an appointment for "the works" for her on her birthday and take her there.... maybe even make that for you as well. Have her a spiffy new outfit for her to put on after and you put on a spiffy outfit yourself and tell her you want to take her out to dinner. If not for her birthday than just to show off your beautiful wife....Celebrating a birthday doesn't have to be about parties, gifts, cakes or age...just Celebrate LIFE.

Hope whatever you do, it is a happy day for you both.

hugs...cat

[green 6]

It is easier to lose your mother when you have seen your mother go through the pain of losing a child. My kid brother died two months to the very day before my mother did. He died after a brief but heart breaking illness. The death of my brother was probably the worst thing that my mother has ever experienced and she is a woman who has lived through a war, through the deaths of her parents, her only sibling, and her beloved husband. My mother died at the age of 87 of a broken heart. My brother's death knocked the stuffing out of her.

One of the gifts that Tina can give her mother is to outlive her.

By the way, your granddaughter is absolutely adorable. Thanks for posting these photos.

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

Thanks again to all for your welcome comments and suggestions.

Green, I am sorry to hear of your loses of both your brother and mother. Was he very young? Not that anyone is ever old enough to make their death acceptable, but I was just curious.

My mother-in-law and Tina also both faced the lose of Tina's brother, and even though I was told that it was not my fault, I have never forgiven myself for his death. On July 12th, 1984, Tina's parents were spending the day with us. We lived about 4 miles apart (in Brooklyn) and Tina's father was showing the first signs of Alzheimer's, so we took him to get a new suit for his doctor's appointment (he was very old fashioned about looking spiffy for any formal occasion). We stopped at our house after we bought the suit and I suggested that my in-laws stay for a barbecue and that we pick up Tina's 45 year old brother, who was a paraplegic because of a childhood bout with meningitis, to eat with us. Tina's mother said that would be wonderful and that she would like to pick up some things at her house when we picked up the brother. Because I had a very small car, a 2 door Chevette, we decided that it would be easier if only mom and I went to pick up the brother, since both the 82 year old father and the brother had a difficult time getting in and out of the car.

It is a good thing that we made that choice because on the way back to my home after picking up the brother, a truck ran a red light at 70 miles per hour and hit my car on the passenger side, knocking me out through the side door window. I would have died if I had not had my seat belt on. As it was, Tina's mother and brother both were taken to Kings County Hospital where the brother died after 3 surgeries on Friday the 13th. The car was so badly damaged, that the next day, I sat in the driver's seat (at the junkyard) and put my left arm through the driver's door window and my right arm through the passenger door window.

Even though the traffic investigation team said that it was the most one sided accident they have ever investigated (blame wise), I have always said and felt that a driver is responsible for the lives of his passengers and I begged Tina's forgiveness. The only thing she did not forgive me for was that she was not able to grieve properly, because she was worried about my feelings of guilt and spent her grieving time consoling me.

The truck driver was convicted of criminally negligent homicide, his license was suspended, he received a 5 year (suspended) prison term and 300 hours of community service working in an ER.

He didn't learn his lesson. A few years later at the same corner as the accident, I was driving home with Tina in the car and I saw a truck from the same company that hit my car. I said to Tina, "that may be the truck driver" and sure enough, he jumped the light before it turned green to make a left turn almost hitting cars coming through the intersection. I saw the driver and it was "him". Some people never learn.

[bitteroldhag 0]

I'm having something of the same problem. I will be 60 in late July and I'm not sure what to do about it. Usually I throw myself a big party on my 10 year birthdays. I had a doozy on the 40th birthday and a so-so party on my 50th birthday, but I don't want to throw a party for my 60th birthday. My friends think I should, but I'm just not sure I want to Celebrate being 60. I figure I'll be dead in about 15 years and that's isn't something I want to celebrate though I'd rather be dead than really old and sick. A day at the spa would be nice though. One earns that sort of luxury by my age, so I may just give myself the "works" at the local spa. At 60, I don't have the energy to run around and give parties, but I do need the downtime that a spa would give me. For a change, someone would be taking care of me. So I may ask for that for my birthday as a gift from my family. I'd like to have a whirlpool bath, a pedicure, a facial, a massage and maybe a facial peel. Then I'd like to have a makeup artist do my makeup and hair so I won't feel old; I'll feel pretty. I might even like to be encased in mud or whatever other crap they offer.You might like to see if your wife would like a day of total pampering and damn the cost. If it was me, I take it in a New York minute. Just a thought.

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

TOM...you are never ready to lose your mom. My mother's death was extremely traumatic for me, even though she was chronically ill for several years and many people told me the same thing - that it was "a blessing".

It is the natural order of things. We are supposed to bury our parents, but it's very hard. Your mom is the anchor that keeps your life connected. Your childhood, adolescence - your whole life is stored in her heart and mind. Losing your mom is like losing a part of yourself.

Thank you for the empathy.

My mother went into the hospital on a Monday as here health was failing with metastasized cancer in her reproductive and abdominal area, after having each breast removed over the past two years. That night, I visited her after work and because my step father had hired our upstairs neighbor to be mom's private nurse and because visiting hours and her 12 hour shift both ended at 8pm, I gave her a ride home. On the way I said, "Harriet, Rae is going to die on Friday".

She asked me how I knew. I said, "Trust me, she will die on Friday". When she asked me again, I answered, "Because Friday is my birthday".

On Tuesday or Wednesday, my step father and I had a conference. Back in those days the doctors did not believe in sufficient pain killers for the terminally ill. We pleaded with the doctor for higher doses, but he kept saying it was unethical. My 5'4" (almost) 43 year old mother who used to have a figure that would stop traffic and weighed 130 pounds before cancer, now weighed less than 80 pounds and could not eat to get stronger and the doctors would not operate until she got stronger and worst of all, the operation would just entail removing more body parts; there was no hope of long term survival or even short term quality of life. At that point, we made the decision in concert, that pain killers would be the only medication that was given to her.

That Friday, as I predicted, she died, on my 19th birthday. April 17, 1964.

The headstone on her grave reads: July 4, 1921 and April 17, 1964, the anniversary of the birth of the USA and the anniversary of my birth.

[lisah25 3]

She's adorable TOM.