I need Help to Help my wife with her Big 0's

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

Now that I have your attention, that was "0's", not "O's". "0's" like in "Zeros".

My wife, Tina was fine when she hit the big 2 0

a little skittish for the big 3 0

very quiet for the big 4 0

in denial about the big 5 0

and terribly depressed about the big 6 0

which she will hit on the last day of the month.

Tina says that she doesn't want any birthday presents, no party, no celebration, no dinner out and that we should pretend that she is not having a birthday at all.

None of the big 0's ever bothered me (except the big 3 0 and that was so mild as to be almost non-existent), so I really can not comprehend what she is going through or how to help her. The funny part about it is that I will be 62, 17 days later, but I look like 10 years older than her. When we go somewhere that gives senior citizen discounts (55 for the movies, some fast food beverages), they ask her for ID unless I order for both of us. She has about as much chance of getting a senior citizen discount when alone (without showing ID) as our 14 year old grandson has of buying cigarettes or liquor.

None the less, she still is in a funk about turning 60. Does anyone, particularly you women out there, have any suggestions? Before you answer, neither diamonds or cars will suffice as an answer. This is about depression; hers, not driving me to the brink of financial depression.

[Devana 0]

I think increased intimacy is the cure for almost anything. More quality time with nose to nose conversation. I don't know about you guys, but sometimes our busy lives get in the way of our connecting on a deep level. If left too long, all sorts of weird things happen to us and we have to do some emotional first-aid. We usually start with a longish drive somewhere, because we really seem to connect in the truck when we have no distractions like the phone, tv, etc. We both comment that when we're well connected on a deep level, all seems right with the world.

Good luck.

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

I think increased intimacy is the cure for almost anything. More quality time with nose to nose conversation. I don't know about you guys, but sometimes our busy lives get in the way of our connecting on a deep level. If left too long, all sorts of weird things happen to us and we have to do some emotional first-aid. We usually start with a longish drive somewhere, because we really seem to connect in the truck when we have no distractions like the phone, tv, etc. We both comment that when we're well connected on a deep level, all seems right with the world.

Good luck.

If I get any closer to her, I would be behind her.

We have long intimate conversations every day. I guess losing three family members this year (2 uncles on her side of the family and one aunt on mine), plus having her mother in the hospital in Brooklyn NY, with us living in Florida, has really made the next age plateau more difficult to accept.

It is a good suggestion, Devana, but one we are already actively pursuing.

Thanks

[2bthinagn 3]

Even though she says no parties..I believe your birthday is the only day that is just for you. That should be your day. Maybe you could have a few really close friends/family meet you both for dinner somewhere. BYOD (buy your own dinner) Dont do what my husband did for my 50th! Two weeks before my 50th we had bought a new rug for our living room. Not a throw rug..an area rug. It was about $200 I think. Well, my birthday came and went...nothing. I was livid. Finally I broke down in tears and had a screaming fit. He said he thought the rug was for my birthday. I SAID NO THE RUG WAS FOR THE HOUSE. A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FOR MY 50th BIRTHDAY SHOULD BE SOMETHING PERSONAL! ahem..now I feel better. This is the same guy that bought me a can opener the first year we were dating. That one, he will never live down.....I wont let him. I am anxious to see ideas you get here. Good Luck

[Devana 0]

If I get any closer to her, I would be behind her.

We have long intimate conversations every day. I guess losing three family members this year (2 uncles on her side of the family and one aunt on mine), plus having her mother in the hospital in Brooklyn NY, with us living in Florida, has really made the next age plateau more difficult to accept.

Holy Smokes, T_O_M, you guys have a lot going on. I wasn't actually making any assumptions about how connected or close you are, I was just thinking about how both my sweetie and I can make the world right by getting back on track with each other.

However, when I read about the deaths and illness you both are encountering, it reminds me of when our son was ill. Being close and united with my husband helped me get through it, but I still was a basket case for a long while just from the stress of it all. So I guess I'm saying that I understand a bit more what's going on in your case than with my first reply.

Maybe this is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation and just has to be ridden out.

All the best to you both in this difficult time.

[green 6]

I am with Devana. There is a lot in Tina's life to make her depressed at the moment. The unwanted 0 is just the icing on the cake. Just keep on loving her and fussing over her. This is what my mate does. It eventually gets through.

How about a little get-away? Just you and Tina....... This can often break a pattern of thought, you know.

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

Holy Smokes, T_O_M, you guys have a lot going on. I wasn't actually making any assumptions about how connected or close you are, I was just thinking about how both my sweetie and I can make the world right by getting back on track with each other.

However, when I read about the deaths and illness you both are encountering, it reminds me of when our son was ill. Being close and united with my husband helped me get through it, but I still was a basket case for a long while just from the stress of it all. So I guess I'm saying that I understand a bit more what's going on in your case than with my first reply.

Maybe this is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation and just has to be ridden out.

All the best to you both in this difficult time.

I hope that I didn't sound critical of your suggestion. If I did, I apologize.

[Carlene 12]

I guess losing three family members this year (2 uncles on her side of the family and one aunt on mine), plus having her mother in the hospital in Brooklyn NY, with us living in Florida, has really made the next age plateau more difficult to accept.

Definitely a possibility, TOM. As the generation before ours begins to die off (for lack of a more sensitive term), the more we realize just how close our turn is. And the older we get, well....the closer we get to the end of our life. When people of your own generation start kicking off, it gets worse. When my cousin died, even though she was much older than me, it was a huge wake-up call. Hello, Carlene.....you aren't going to live forever and the clock is ticking.

Sixty is a big deal. It's "elderly", or "senior", as opposed to "middle-aged". If 40 is the new 30, and 50 is the new 40, guess what? Sixty might be the new 50, but it just doesn't have the same zing. No one wants to be 50, either.

I say, if Tina wants to pretend she's not another year older, let her. If she doesn't want a party, don't throw a party. Buy her a nice gift and tell her it's an "I love you present".

We went to my husband's family reunion a couple of years ago. Except for one aunt and one uncle, my DH was the oldest one there. It was depressing. On my name tag I wrote...

Carlene

Bob's much younger wife

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

Even though she says no parties..I believe your birthday is the only day that is just for you. That should be your day. Maybe you could have a few really close friends/family meet you both for dinner somewhere. BYOD (buy your own dinner) Dont do what my husband did for my 50th! Two weeks before my 50th we had bought a new rug for our living room. Not a throw rug..an area rug. It was about $200 I think. Well, my birthday came and went...nothing. I was livid. Finally I broke down in tears and had a screaming fit. He said he thought the rug was for my birthday. I SAID NO THE RUG WAS FOR THE HOUSE. A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FOR MY 50th BIRTHDAY SHOULD BE SOMETHING PERSONAL! ahem..now I feel better. This is the same guy that bought me a can opener the first year we were dating. That one, he will never live down.....I wont let him. I am anxious to see ideas you get here. Good Luck

Thank you.

I am not a typical husband. In our almost 40 years of marriage, I have never bought my wife a gift for the house for her birthday, Mother's Day, Christmas or our anniversary They are always personal presents. I know the size of every piece of clothing (including underwear) and she is more likely to get something from "Frederick's of Hollywood" than a "Sears catalog". She has enough jewelery to double her weight (joke). My biggest problem is finding something that she both desires and needs. Mick Jagger and Fabio are not allowable desires for her gift wish list.

I have always made her birthdays special, with elaborately wrapped gifts and surprise parties at friend's homes. Once, I even faked my car breaking down a few blocks from a friend's home, so that when we walked to his home to use the phone to call for help (pre-cell phone), there were 20 people there to yell "Surprise". My wife has been likewise supportive of me. My mother died on my 19th birthday and my father died the day after I was born, so I didn't Celebrate my birthday until my wife pulled off a surprise party for my 30th birthday at a bar we used to hang out at (in our drinking days), so I could not complain in front of 40-50 friends and buddies. I have celebrated my birthday normally since then.

My wife never worked while we were married (after she was in her third month of pregnancy), because we believed that a full time parent, not a babysitter should raise our child, so any money I spend on her will be money I earned.

We have very few friends where we live. We only moved here 3 years ago and the neighbors have been moving in and out like wild-fire (I guess I should take a bath more often that once a month, but we have 4/10's of an acre). The only people we really have is my son's family and they have been put on notice: No birthday presents, no party, no celebration, no dinner out.

My wife is not comfortable with my church group. Yes, my church group, because she has only gone with me 3 of the 50 times that I have gone. She just doesn't feel comfortable with them, no matter how much I try tell her that they all like her and ask about her.

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

I am with Devana. There is a lot in Tina's life to make her depressed at the moment. The unwanted 0 is just the icing on the cake. Just keep on loving her and fussing over her. This is what my mate does. It eventually gets through.

How about a little get-away? Just you and Tina....... This can often break a pattern of thought, you know.

How do I plan it when she says no...?

[giveyouthemoon 4]

This is about depression; hers,

Here's a quote from my very wise personal therapist. "Depressed for a week? Normal. Depressed for a month? Problem."

So what if she is depressed? You are a kind and loving husband for wanting to help her. My bf is beside himself when I'm unhappy and wants to help me feel better. But as a woman, I have to be honest when I say...sometimes we just need to be depressed for a bit. And that's ok. Being sad for a few days or a week or so is a good time of self assessment. Helps us decide if there is something we want to change or if there's something we just will learn to live with.

And as a man I know you want to take some action to make it better (and you are to be applauded and supported for that!). But maybe it's important to be supportive of her, let her know you're there, and give her space to be bummed out.

A birthday in the midst of loved one's death brings your own mortality too much to the forefront. I had a birthday soon after my own father's death. It wasn't a milestone, but it was still difficult.

Just my .02

[Jorjet 0]

Hey Tired, I think you should get her a gift certificate to a spa.

I love getting them...I bitch cuz they cost so much, but the end result is, when I am ready to use it.....I just love it.

It isnt something I would ever buy myself.

Sounds to me she might need some pampering of the mind. Just my thoughts.

Hey do you have any brothers, you sound like a keeper.

LMAO, I am happily married. Just kidding, my hubby is the best .

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

Here's a quote from my very wise personal therapist. "Depressed for a week? Normal. Depressed for a month? Problem."

So what if she is depressed? You are a kind and loving husband for wanting to help her. My bf is beside himself when I'm unhappy and wants to help me feel better. But as a woman, I have to be honest when I say...sometimes we just need to be depressed for a bit. And that's ok. Being sad for a few days or a week or so is a good time of self assessment. Helps us decide if there is something we want to change or if there's something we just will learn to live with.

And as a man I know you want to take some action to make it better (and you are to be applauded and supported for that!). But maybe it's important to be supportive of her, let her know you're there, and give her space to be bummed out.

A birthday in the midst of loved one's death brings your own mortality too much to the forefront. I had a birthday soon after my own father's death. It wasn't a milestone, but it was still difficult.

Just my .02

I hear you.

I have a constant fight with myself, because I can not stand to see my wife crying or in a corner by herself. It is hard to give Tina space, but I will try.

Our grand-daughter, Brooklyn is usually the surest thing to can get Tina out of depression. Usually, we make it a point to drop by our son's/DIL's house at least 3 times a week to see Brooklyn, plus we babysit her 90% of the weekends because my son does most of his work on weekends. My wife has been back from her last trip to Brooklyn (NY) since February 26th and she has not seen Brooklyn (the child) yet. Brooklyn will be over here later today and will spend the night. When Tina can go without seeing Brooklyn for almost two weeks, I worry.

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

Hey Tired, I think you should get her a gift certificate to a spa.

I love getting them...I bitch cuz they cost so much, but the end result is, when I am ready to use it.....I just love it.

It isnt something I would ever buy myself.

Sounds to me she might need some pampering of the mind. Just my thoughts.

Hey do you have any brothers, use sound like a keeper.

LMAO, I am happily married. Just kidding, my hubby is the best .

I talk too much!!

[Jorjet 0]

Tired,

You sound like an awesome husband after 40 years.

I bet the Grand daughter will bring a smile to her face.

Hang tight , spring is in the air.