Enabling

[Fluffnomore 1,235]

Do I look fat in this brain?

[mistysj 1,940]

I was/am a big-time closet eater. I'm the one who nobody can figure out why I was fat because they never saw me eat. I'd open a package and eat the whole thing so I could toss the bag and hide the evidence. I'd eat a whole pizza or a whole pie or 6 cupcakes or a pint (or a quart) of ice cream. The worst was when I was all alone, in my dorm room or after I got married, when my husband was away for the day or (much worse) traveling for work for a few days. I'd eat the whole time. I may nit have finished it all in a sitting but I'd get it done. I used to go to mcdonalds and order: 1 quarter pounder meal, large, and 1 double cheeseburger. The quarter pounder just wasn't enough!

But I was in huge denial especially to my husband, who had no idea about my binges. I lost weight on programs like Weight Watchers, but my food journals never showed my binges. They showed me eating perfectly. It was an exercise in self-delusion.

I know why I did it and I've had lots of therapy. I was a physically and sexually abused child and food was a comfort as a kid. Also my parents had me on diets from a very young age (and I wasn't even fat) and my bone-thin brother was allowed (even forced, also abusively) to eat to the point of vomiting. He got pop tarts for Breakfast and I got fruit. Of course I snuck treats into my room and ate them in the middle of the night. Of course I binged when I went to friends' houses, or on birthdays/holidays/special occasions when I was allowed to eat as much as I could hold. On pizza nights my brother and I were praised for how many pieces of pizza we could get down. Then I was put into foster care at age 12. Age 14 my foster parents decided we were all vegetarian. Loss of choice around food again. I ate meat and junk whenever I could get it. They also sent me signals that I was fat and limited my food.

I was in so much pain and turmoil and food was the only thing I felt like I was choosing in my life. I'm an adult now and I have control of all my choices.

Knowing this wasn't enough to break the cycle. Therapy helped me understand but didn't break my food patterns. The sleeve has (so far) been that extra push and given me that control. It has also been enough of a disruption to give me a chance to think and to breathe. I have been working on myself, hard, since before surgery, knowing that there will come a time (probably soon) when the restriction doesn't keep me on the straight and narrow anymore. I've already done food misdeeds in small ways and I can feel that it would be so easy to go for the sliders to feel that temporary comfort.

I'm well aware of my issues. Thanks for this thread. It's important to check in with the demons and look them in the eye on a regular basis.

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

I was/am a big-time closet eater. I'm the one who nobody can figure out why I was fat because they never saw me eat. I'd open a package and eat the whole thing so I could toss the bag and hide the evidence. I'd eat a whole pizza or a whole pie or 6 cupcakes or a pint (or a quart) of ice cream. The worst was when I was all alone, in my dorm room or after I got married, when my husband was away for the day or (much worse) traveling for work for a few days. I'd eat the whole time. I may nit have finished it all in a sitting but I'd get it done. I used to go to mcdonalds and order: 1 quarter pounder meal, large, and 1 double cheeseburger. The quarter pounder just wasn't enough!

But I was in huge denial especially to my husband, who had no idea about my binges. I lost weight on programs like Weight Watchers, but my food journals never showed my binges. They showed me eating perfectly. It was an exercise in self-delusion.

I know why I did it and I've had lots of therapy. I was a physically and sexually abused child and food was a comfort as a kid. Also my parents had me on diets from a very young age (and I wasn't even fat) and my bone-thin brother was allowed (even forced, also abusively) to eat to the point of vomiting. He got pop tarts for Breakfast and I got fruit. Of course I snuck treats into my room and ate them in the middle of the night. Of course I binged when I went to friends' houses, or on birthdays/holidays/special occasions when I was allowed to eat as much as I could hold. On pizza nights my brother and I were praised for how many pieces of pizza we could get down. Then I was put into foster care at age 12. Age 14 my foster parents decided we were all vegetarian. Loss of choice around food again. I ate meat and junk whenever I could get it. They also sent me signals that I was fat and limited my food.

I was in so much pain and turmoil and food was the only thing I felt like I was choosing in my life. I'm an adult now and I have control of all my choices.

Knowing this wasn't enough to break the cycle. Therapy helped me understand but didn't break my food patterns. The sleeve has (so far) been that extra push and given me that control. It has also been enough of a disruption to give me a chance to think and to breathe. I have been working on myself, hard, since before surgery, knowing that there will come a time (probably soon) when the restriction doesn't keep me on the straight and narrow anymore. I've already done food misdeeds in small ways and I can feel that it would be so easy to go for the sliders to feel that temporary comfort.

I'm well aware of my issues. Thanks for this thread. It's important to check in with the demons and look them in the eye on a regular basis.

I am crying reading your post...So many things happened to me the same way except foster care....What an example you are to the rest of us....I am so proud of you for facing the reasons you are who you are...But not letting them control you for the rest of your life will not be easy....I know ..I have been there too.....

It is really a masterpiece in progress to become who we really know we are...You will get there and you will succeed...I know it!!!!!!!!!

Thank you so much for sharing..I do not feel so a lone in my struggles right now!

[LipstickLady 25,682]

I'm passing out free hugs to all who want them and all who need them.

Except Butter. Last time I hugged him he tried to squeeze my boob. He musta thought I was that other chick.

[mistysj 1,940]

I am crying reading your post...So many things happened to me the same way except foster care....What an example you are to the rest of us....I am so proud of you for facing the reasons you are who you are...But not letting them control you for the rest of your life will not be easy....I know ..I have been there too..... It is really a masterpiece in progress to become who we really know we are...You will get there and you will succeed...I know it!!!!!!!!! Thank you so much for sharing..I do not feel so a lone in my struggles right now!

Thank you so much for that support. You are not alone. And we are so strong.

[mistysj 1,940]

Double post

[gamergirl 4,610]

I was/am a big-time closet eater. I'm the one who nobody can figure out why I was fat because they never saw me eat. I'd open a package and eat the whole thing so I could toss the bag and hide the evidence. I'd eat a whole pizza or a whole pie or 6 cupcakes or a pint (or a quart) of ice cream. The worst was when I was all alone, in my dorm room or after I got married, when my husband was away for the day or (much worse) traveling for work for a few days. I'd eat the whole time. I may nit have finished it all in a sitting but I'd get it done. I used to go to mcdonalds and order: 1 quarter pounder meal, large, and 1 double cheeseburger. The quarter pounder just wasn't enough! But I was in huge denial especially to my husband, who had no idea about my binges. I lost weight on programs like Weight Watchers, but my food journals never showed my binges. They showed me eating perfectly. It was an exercise in self-delusion. I know why I did it and I've had lots of therapy. I was a physically and sexually abused child and food was a comfort as a kid. Also my parents had me on diets from a very young age (and I wasn't even fat) and my bone-thin brother was allowed (even forced, also abusively) to eat to the point of vomiting. He got pop tarts for breakfast and I got fruit. Of course I snuck treats into my room and ate them in the middle of the night. Of course I binged when I went to friends' houses, or on birthdays/holidays/special occasions when I was allowed to eat as much as I could hold. On pizza nights my brother and I were praised for how many pieces of pizza we could get down. Then I was put into foster care at age 12. Age 14 my foster parents decided we were all vegetarian. Loss of choice around food again. I ate meat and junk whenever I could get it. They also sent me signals that I was fat and limited my food. I was in so much pain and turmoil and food was the only thing I felt like I was choosing in my life. I'm an adult now and I have control of all my choices. Knowing this wasn't enough to break the cycle. Therapy helped me understand but didn't break my food patterns. The sleeve has (so far) been that extra push and given me that control. It has also been enough of a disruption to give me a chance to think and to breathe. I have been working on myself, hard, since before surgery, knowing that there will come a time (probably soon) when the restriction doesn't keep me on the straight and narrow anymore. I've already done food misdeeds in small ways and I can feel that it would be so easy to go for the sliders to feel that temporary comfort. I'm well aware of my issues. Thanks for this thread. It's important to check in with the demons and look them in the eye on a regular basis.

Misty thanks so much for sharing. I think we all know that many of us put on weight as self defense against abuse at a young age. We just don't talk about it as openly as we could/should. I see posts from people talking about worrying about losing the "fat protection" and worrying about compliments from men, and we all have a good idea what's giving rise to that fear, don't we?

I admire you for facing up to the issues and for working through them in therapy. Reliving bad memories seems to be the only way some tines to heal from them. ((Hugs))

[mistysj 1,940]

Damn double post

[Butterthebean 8,146]

Thank you so much for that support. You are not alone. And we are so strong.

Misty....I was gonna post something snarky and enabling....I will later....but instead I'll say to you how much I admire your courage for working so hard to overcome such barriers. We all have different issues, and a lot if them may be similar. But it takes a lot of courage to own them and put them out there like that. Big hug to you. Honestly it makes me look at my life. I know I made a lot of mistakes and I have no one to blame but myself. Still I'd like to go back in time and throat punch a couple of f**king people for making things much worse for me than was necessary.

[clk 3,519]

I have a question for GG and Cheri, and please don't interpret my question as judging or saying anything negative. I'm just curious about your background and am summarizing here.

You both mentioned you don't understand why people can't walk away from food, so I am curious as to how you came to choosing a bariatric procedure. I know for me, if it were as simple as choosing not to abuse food, I would have never needed WLS ... I would have merely chose not to overeat or make poor choices.

Unfortunately, I tend to believe other folks who have WLS have a similar background as myself, so I am curious as to your story. I know I am asking a very personal question here, so please do not feel compelled to answer if you don't want to. Again, I am not judging you in as much as I am judging myself for making a poor assumption.

So, I haven't had time to read anything but this page so I may touch on things already mentioned.

GG's response is very similar to mine. And most of my response is based upon my life now post sleeve, not prior.

In my case, I truly believe that insulin resistance (and my earlier diabetes) as well as hormones (and insulin resistance plays into hormones as well) are the real reasons I had/have issues with food. I went back to ask my husband to see what he said about my past eating habits. And yes, if faced with exactly the right food (like pizza, or fries) I'd eat a very large quantity. And I would always feel hungry if I ate anything that was high glycemic - Pasta, potatoes, etc. I could eat to pain and still hear my stomach growling and feel like I was starving an hour later. That's the insulin resistance at work. So it was a cycle that I fed into with poor food choices.

But outside of that I could go the entire day and not eat. I was the master of will power - for four month bursts at a time. I mean, I could starve and be okay. Once I fed the carb monster/poor insulin monster, I was caught in the trap. But outside of that I could walk from food and be fine. Resentful, maybe, but I could do it.

I also had to break the clean plate club rules. That took work even post sleeve. I didn't WANT to eat. I felt compelled to eat. We suffered beatings for not eating our food as a kid and that definitely played into my compulsion to clean my plate.

It was a mental game. And while I did have some food addiction signs (sneak eating, feeling angry when I couldn't eat, etc.) those were always, always tied into stress or a hormonal issue. So fast food, (fried carbs or greasy burgers, in particular) can still sing a siren's song when I'm stressed. But I am still in control of my desire to eat those foods. And again, it's so hard to explain but I don't even *want* those foods. I know they won't satisfy me or taste good. It's a mental thing, not a physical one.

Even when I overindulged before surgery, it was never about enjoying food too much. Well, with few exceptions. I did enjoy cheesecake far more than the norm. But I never ate the whole pan of brownies. I never ate pints or half gallons of ice cream. I ate meat and potatoes and most of all, fried things or cheesy things.

In any case, my real spur for surgery were the results of my metabolic testing. I'm the gal that did Medifast hard line - never cheated once - for four months. And lost a mere 20 pounds. The willpower was there but not for the long haul.

I just could not lose weight. It happened so slowly I'd inevitably give up on my diet and go on a binge to make up for the deprivation.

Even sleeved, I lost 107 pounds over 17 months. I lost at a ridiculously slow pace even consuming low calories and eating a rigid diet. I think it averages out to six pounds a month. Less than a pound a week. AFTER bariatric surgery.

So that's why I have a sleeve. And if I keep my hormones in check, I'm the boss of food. But my issue is and has been that it doesn't matter because I have to fight incredibly hard to lose even a single pound. I've been losing these last ten baby pounds since APRIL - and I still have six to go.

I hope that answers it. I'll have more time later to read what's here and tweak this response.

~Cheri

[Butterthebean 8,146]

I meant to say....a couple of fucked people.

[Fluffnomore 1,235]

Misty, your story is incredible. Thank you for sharing it with us. Big hugs.

[AmandaRaeLeo 2,146]

I guess you and I are the only fat chicks here that are fat because we ate like piggies

Nah. This little piggy definately ate like a piggy.

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

I meant to say....a couple of fucked people.

I think we all knew what you meant to say...If you do get to go back by some freak of science fiction can I send a list of those I would like you to do that to....

[jdmama911 224]

Misty, your post...so much like my eating habits. My reasons were not from abuse per say, but abandonment issues. I was adopted, then parents got a divorce when I was 3. I still saw my dad, but once I hit puberty...he pretty much started focusing his attention on my brothers. I also had a very hard time with teasing as a child. I was the fat girl target by about 6 boys in school, and I was teased and harassed by them daily. It really did a number on my emotionally, and I still have trust issues with men. In my mind they are always setting me up to hurt me. How I ended up getting married is beyond me.

As for the food hiding...I want to cry every time I get in my car now. I am 10 weeks post op, and have yet to clean my car out from all the food wrappers/containers. I know it is going to be emotional when I see all that I ate and hid in there. I was the person that would go to McDonalds and get a value meal large sized and chicken nuggets, then go to Burger King and get 2 slices of Hershey's pie. Or I would go grocery shopping and on my 15 minute drive home I'd stuff away 2-3 doughnuts, a .99 bag of chips, smoke a cigarette and then eat dinner with the family 1/2 hour later without even blinking. It breaks my heart to look back at my coping skills and for how long they carried on. I know soon Im going to be faced with having to clean out my car, and I know it's going to be hard. I just hope Im fully ready emotionally. Thanks Misty for your post..It really helped me today. Maybe Im closer to cleaning up my old habits than I think.