Enabling

[Butterthebean 8,146]

What a great thread Laura. Yes, this place is a hot bed of enabling. All the "I ate a snickers bar one week post op and I don't feel bad about it....."

Yeah, those people see that as a victory over food guilt, but they fail to see it reads like a go ahead to eat snickers bars to all the people who aren't sure what they should or can eat. Then they follow it up with...."I'm still losing weight just fine....."

Yes you are, for now. You may make it all the way to goal and maintain goal forever like that, but the odds are against you. The majority of people either don't make it to goal or can't maintain it unless they have some control over what they're eating. That's the message we really need to be sending out....not "I eat whatever I wanna eat." Didn't we all eat whatever we wanted to eat before surgery? It clearly didn't work for us then. Not one of us.

And, as we've discussed before, you can't say one word about it or you get called a bully and accused of being non supportive. Is this a support forum? Yes it is. Have you ever been to a support group? If you walk into an AA meeting and announce that you drank a case of beer and you don't feel guilty about it, you're likely to catch hell. Patting people on the back and telling them that their life threatening behavior is ok is not support. It is enabling. Support is trying to help people save their own life. And make no mistake, obesity is as deadly as anything we're likely to face.

Yes I make mistakes. I'm not perfect. Far from it. I've eaten candy, pie and donuts....all in the last month. But I don't say "I eat anything I want" because if I truly did I'd be living on candy, pie and donuts. I have to exercise some self control. And unfortunately the sleeve is no substitute for self control. It will not control your portions adequately to allow you to eat whatever your heart desires.

Sorry if I ventured off topic a little.

[soocalchic 1,087]

My mom is like you.. I think it helps her not eat when she's pushing it on others..

i bake and cook and I guess I'm a nurturer/feeder I get satisfaction when people enjoy and complement what I make

[No game 14,437]

i bake and cook and I guess I'm a nurturer/feeder I get satisfaction when people enjoy and complement what I make

And that's fine..

What I was really talking about was enabling behavior as exhibited on this forum..

It's just a "trend" for a lack of a better word that I am seeing, feeling...

[soocalchic 1,087]

And that's fine.. What I was really talking about was enabling behavior as exhibited on this forum.. It's just a "trend" for a lack of a better word that I am seeing' date=' feeling...[/quote'] trendy ass people!!! stop enabling lol buy some vape cigs if you want to be trendy

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

When I have made the comment that I eat what ever I want..I do not follow the no Pasta, carbs, sugar free, just Protein thing...

I mean that I eat a little of everything that is good for me...I only eat a cookie if it is low in calories and high in protein...But when I sit down to a meal I do not eat any different then anyone else at the table..I cook a meal I think that follows the new way I eat....It is up to me to chose the right combinations...

I read on here all the time about people who will never eat this or eat that again...I thought the same thing at first...a lot of zeal..I realized that balance in all things are important....I stay away from the things that are sliders for me...but I am not going to eat lettuce and meat for the rest of my life...I live in a real world with real food and so I must learn to deal with it all...Fix the head and the body may follow.....

The quotes that are mentioned here were supposed to be done with humor..It got way out of control and like everything else it became horrifying to learn what some sleevers are doing to themselves....

I will never be perfect but I am so going to keep struggling to put my food addiction in its place.....I want my life back but I certainly want to enjoy the food that I do eat..even if it is just a little bit.....

[woo woo 872]

:ph34r:

Edited November 1, 2013 by woo woo

[BethinPA 305]

Feeling especially vulnerable this morning for some reason, and this thread helps me - thank you!

[MichiganChic 3,262]

Good thread. I always sit on the fence about labeling myself an addict, but whatever you call it (or don't call it) the behaviors were destructive enough to allow me to get up to 300 pounds. I used to say cake is like crack to me, and it still is. I weighed 140 pounds when I met my husband, and he enabled me to gain that weight. He would offer and go get whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted it. Now he enables me to lose weight by not doing that, and encouraging me every day to stay on track. I never blamed him for my weight gain - that was all on me. He couldn't stop me from gaining now if I wanted to. So I know I have to monitor myself and my habits and intake all day, every day, forever. I'm not perfect, and don't even care to be, but at least I know what I'm consuming. If I had to point to just one thing that I've learned and feel has contributed to my success so far, I would say that it is tracking and being honest with myself about what I eat - ALWAYS. Even when I don't want to, and even when I've eaten too much, I force myself to face it.

[Joe I 180]

My wife had me in training for years, she would by it and I would eat it. I'd ask her, tell her, beg her, don't by it and i wont eat it, her response have some self control... I won't go to the store at 8 or 9 at night to get it, but I will walk to the pantry. As it turns out she was right, and I've told her so. How bad do you want it, self control, willpower, it like a muscle the more you use it the stronger it gets. I have weak moments, my goal is to make better choices, stop mindless eating, if I'm that hungry eat something good. Each moment, each hour, each day, week, month... Takem one at a time be strong.

[Gojogo 55]

I am a food addict that fights every day with my addiction! I don't think I would be able to cope without the years therapy I had for my addiction. My sleeve keeps me from being able to binge like I used to. Wilpower and the acceptance that I can never eat certain foods keeps me sane lol. I know my triggers and as of so far have managed to deal with stressful situations ect without using old habits. Unfortunately enaberlers are not always easy to avoid and they come in all maners of sneaky forms. How I deal with enaberlers is to detach my self emotionally so I can then use certain technics I have for certain situations. So far this has worked very well.

[nik2nite 33]

I am most definitely an addict. I didn't ever eat in private' date=' but every waking hour revolved (and still resolves) around food. My mom is an addict also and raised me that way from a young age. "We had a bad day, let's treat ourselves." "We had a good day, let's treat ourselves." "I'm bored. Let's have a snack." I honestly do not know how to associate with people without food. Every friendship I've ever had, we would get together for a meal. My new plan is to meet people for activities instead of meals. I also ditched a few "friends" that really were not healthy friendships for me and am only keeping positive people in my life that support my goals. I'm 2 weeks out of surgery, and tonight my Aunt is coming in to town and I have to go to my parent's house, so I'm scared. I told my dad that they should have dinner and when they are done they can call me and I'll come over. That way I won't have to endure as much food pressure. I can't wait for the day that it will become easier... it probably will never go away entirely, but I will accept any improvement. It took 30 years for me to get where I am now, so it'll take a while to undo all those bad habits![/quote']

That's not a bad idea to wait after everyone eats then visit, I will be putting that in my repertoire of tricks :-)

[Fluffnomore 1,235]

Hi, I'm new here although I have been lurking a while. I think this is a fascinating thread. My husband and I have had this discussion a number of times. I was recently sleeved, and he is finishing up the process and hopes to have his done in December.

Like Joe, above, we have had multiple discussions about food in the house. I do all of the shopping and cooking for the family and over our 18 years together have learned to be very careful about what I buy. (For example, no tubs of ice cream in our house! If I buy them, they get eaten late at night by my husband.) And he regularly asks me to hide certain foods from him, which I hate. While there isn't a lot of junk in our house at all, he will also eat multiple yogurts if they are in the refrigerator (for example.)

He's working with a specific therapist for these issues before the surgery, of course…but I will be very curious to see how we do as a couple with our sleeves. The one thing I've noticed even though I'm very early on is that my compliance to this program is all on me, and if i get upset about what other people are eating or give me access to, I'm going to be a very lonely girl.

Anyway, thanks for starting the thread.

[AmandaRaeLeo 2,146]

May I be so bold to suggest that those who justify and seek permission/absolution with regards to their drug of choice are the same ones who thought WLS was a cure? That the sleeve would do the fighting for them?

When I went to Mexicali for my WLS Dr. Campos made an analogy that really stuck in my head.

Summarizing the analogy:

Losing weight, especially for the obese, is like a table with 4 legs. Two of the legs are WLS. The 3rd leg is choosing good fuel to put in your body as opposed to crap. The 4th leg is exercising. Get off your rear and move more.

If you take any of those legs away from the table, the table does not function as well as it could/should.

Edited November 3, 2013 by AmandaRaeLeo

[gamergirl 4,610]

Very interesting thread. I think I was physically addicted to simple carbs and sugar, but I don't have the emotional dependence you list and I didn't eat in secret. I also rarely binged. But I did eat uncontrollable amounts of carbs, especially toward the end.

The enabling on this forum terrifies me and makes me sad. I have to stay away from threads that encourage cheating. I have to stop reading and unsubscribe from threads that go on to talking about food that I'm trying really hard not to eat. I am afraid reading about donuts and cake and Cookies will tempt me to remember how good those tasted, and before you know it, I'll be found face first in a cake.

I realize this isn't a problem for others. It's MY problem and I have to deal with it on my own. I'm not saying others shouldn't post in jest about forbidden foods. I'm just saying I can't read those threads because they trigger my cravings.

But the threads that actively ENCOURAGE going off the plan especially for pre-ops or recently sleeved? Those just make me angry. I don't like feeling angry because that means I am being judgmental and I don't want to be judgmental. They infuriate me and scare me.

Doing something unsafe or self-destructive and then seeking absolution? And getting it? I don't think that's a good role for a SUPPORT forum to play. Supportive is saying, yes we all make mistakes, now get back on the plan. If your version of support is to say "honey it's okay, I do it too", that's not support, that's enablement.

I totally get that I sound very definitive and judgmental in this post. I know that it will anger some people and I will apologize in advance. Please know that the context of the post is simply sharing what *I* struggle with, not my version of saying "here's what YOU are doing wrong".

I struggle with posts talking about food I should not be eating. I struggle when we enable addicts.

I struggle when we grant absolution for what is physically dangerous behavior that could lead to leaks and complications. I struggle when we tell people to ignore their doctors pre-op diets because someone didn't have that diet. I struggle when we tell a newly-sleeved person it's okay to have a taco on day 3 "because I did and nothing bad happened."

Fortunately I have the option to just not read those threads and/or to not visit the forum on the days those threads seem to be everywhere.

Even more fortunately, I'm grateful for all the truly supportive, encouraging, loving posts on here that have made this forum a significant part of my life right now.

Thanks for reading my long ramble

[erp 2,016]

food addict reporting for duty. I find the closer I get to goal the more I see how easy it is to let those behaviors reemerge. I don't know if it is fear of getting to goal and then what? As an addict, once I start on a trigger food all control goes out the window. That's why there can't be certain foods in my house. I imagine it is like telling and alcoholic one sip is ok. Where I am currently challenged is that my addiction is always seeking a new outlet, a food that held no power over me one day like Cookies (I'm a crackers/chips kind of girl) can suddenly become my drug of choice. I am already dreading this week a bit as I must do what all addicts do and go cold turkey. Today, I am getting all of the Halloween treats out if the house and pushing Water. I've got 2 carb-bloat pounds that I need to get off from a week of feeding the addiction.