Enabling

[Butterthebean 8,146]

Bariatric patients wet dreams.....

I pre-burned those calories before eating them. Did a half marathon so .......yay moderation.

[Butterthebean 8,146]

...... My VSG is tomorrow, I plan on making it another addition to my weight loss tool lit.kit...

Best of luck. You'll do great.

Another carb/crack addict here.

[Fluffnomore 1,235]

Back to enabling, as I have exhausted my cache of "naked" videos until Laura and Butter submit theirs.

We touched on this earlier in the thread somewhere, but I have been thinking about the reverse enabling that is happening in my house right now. My husband (who occasionally might need killing) has complained in the last couple of weeks that he is "being shortchanged" because I am not cooking for the family right now. Rest assured, they're getting full meals with the full complement of food, but I have been going to some ready made food from a local (lovely) grocery store. The meals are billed as "made for 2" but there's more than enough food for 3 or 4 people in them.

In a sense, though, this enables unhealthy habits for them. They're not generally a simple lean meat, veg, and starch. Things like enchiladas with refried black Beans and rice. Or chicken cordon bleu with green beans and apple crisp. And of course, the starchier starches involved, the better they like it. I serve them all and get out of their way.

I'm guessing that as I start cooking in the next few weeks I will have more control. But I'm perplexed as to how to turn this all around without "compensating" for the fact that I'm used to serving them big food but I can't really eat it anymore. I wonder how much of my identity as a mother and wife is tied up in big feeding…and how much they're going to protest when their meals change with my needs. It's something we all need. It's just daunting.

Especially now that (at least for the moment) my husband has been denied for surgery, I have lost the other anchor of making a big change in the entire family's habits. I'm sensing a real "f&*% it" attitude from him while my kids are asking for "stuff that's good."

How did you all handle this? And what are your tips for sneaky or overt enabling of GOOD habits?

[mistysj 1,940]

I handle it by my husband being the main cook in my family. Maybe your husband can cook some. Are the kids old enough to learn? Maybe sometimes you have sandwich night or a salad with cold meat on it? Or slow cooker meals you can start in the morning? It's really normal for you to not be interested in cooking food you can't or won't eat.

Why was your husband denied? Not heavy enough? I bet he is crazy envious of you because it probably seems to him like you are on easy street now.

I wish my husband would do something about his weight besides complain. He isn't heavy enough for surgery but I've never actually seen him lose significant weight. He is probably 15 kg overweight (30 lb or so). He started running but seems to snack enough to maintain equilibrium. When he complains I have to bite my tongue so I won't say "So do something about it!" I would have hated it if he said that to me. I know this, because he did sometimes. It's weird being smaller than him (I don't think my BMI is less yet).

[Madam Reverie 2,958]

Being 'short changed'? W.T.F? (yeah, I'm a die-hard feminist, so lets not do that debate!)

'Denied surgery'? This sounds like sour grapes from your husband, to me.

Your role is that of mother, home-maker and care-giver. That deserves respect (not whinging) and hasn't and won't change. So, you bought a couple of ready-meals? So what?!! Are they hungry? No. Are they neglected? No. I think your husband needs to re-evaluate his stand-point. This might sound a bit militant, but, I would go forward with your plans. He should be grateful you care enough to want to please them all!

When you're able, cook meals that satiate all your needs (saving the odd bad treat for the kids) and just continue to push things forward. If he starts grumbling, I would walk to the kitchen, open the door, and offer him the right to do the foraging, cooking and presentation himself.

That might stop his grumbling! x

[Fluffnomore 1,235]

Yes, Misty. His BMI is around 36/37 and he "only" has one co-morbidity. The surgeon thought he'd be approved right away. Even though mine was 39.8 when I started, my health is better in general. So he is feeling disappointed and angry and probably somewhere like I pulled one over on the insurance company. I mean, he KNOWS that I qualified, but doesn't always see things outside his bubble. Like you, I can't tell him to "get over it" because he thinks this is all patently unfair.

He is also completely unwilling to cook. He has a hard time even heating things up that I leave…he would rather take the kids out to dinner than use the oven or microwave. He hates sandwich night or anything that doesn't have "real" food on the table.

The kids are old enough to do simple stuff; that might be a start.

Revs, one of my other friends suggested I go on strike. If you saw the state of my house right now you would think that I had already done that. The truth is this is a very busy time for me at work, so we'd probably be eating like this even if I wasn't still on full liquids. But without getting into the feminist part of this equation, because I work at home at a couple of part time consulting jobs, there is already a deep-seated expectation that I am responsible for the home fires. Nothing to see here, I suppose…every marriage has its own set of interesting compromises and rules. But add to this that he is a performing artist, and it gets more complicated.

I appreciate the ideas. Keep 'em coming!

[Madam Reverie 2,958]

You're working outside of the home, too? Yeowch. You're amazing.

Don't forget that x

[gamergirl 4,610]

Fluff, my husband and I are both sleeved but in the past, one of us has tried to change our eating habits and the other one didn't, so I can relate a bit.

I think in all fairness, YOU had surgery, you decided to change, they didn't. Is it fair to expect everyone to follow your habits and your eating plan? Probably not. It's got to be difficult for your husband right now as he sees you succeed and based on your posts, he does have an eating compulsion that must make the poor guy feel completely out of control. We've been there, we know how terrible it feels, right?

My humble opinion? Show the guy some love, support, and empathy. Don't expect him and the kids to suddenly change because you did.

WIth our son, we made small changes. We have no junk in the house anymore so that naturally cuts down on the junk he eats. Your husband may choose to buy some, you can't help that, but don't you buy any.

We make our son eat Protein first, because he would LIVE on carbs if you let him. To me, reducing junk, eating more protein are both healthy habits that don't require a complete rehaul. Other than that though, you may need to be more accepting of their eating habits and only slowly, slowly try to change them over.

Fact is, feminist or not, women control the family's diet and health much more than do men--and I'm as feminist as they come but those are the facts. You can effect change slowly, just don't shove it down their throat.

As to convenience foods, we've all had to use them during busy work days. I've learned to not sweat that even though I felt we were not feeding the family well during those times. I compensated by providing more fruits and raw veggies for Snacks.

I hope I made sense--trying to rush out the door this morning but honestly, your husband is in a tough spot right now with being denied, and you succeeding. Pushing change hard on him will cause resentment--and you don't need that.

((hugs))

[SoccerMomma73 1,867]

I don't have a husband to fight with (praise the baby Jesus) but my son (5 when I got banded) had a small cow when I did a major cooking overhaul...then the little twerp lost 5 pounds in like 3 weeks (he was losing weight faster than the banded patient was, go figure :/). Now he's used to it so all is well. I'd start with small changes and eventually get them closer to what they really should be eating. Nothing dramatic for fear of man whining. You can do enchiladas, just de-fat the recipe a bit.

Good luck!!!!

[Fluffnomore 1,235]

I do appreciate all of this. It's possible that my deeper problem here is that I am also the emotional buffer for him, and I am exhausted by it. I don't want to feel bad about being approved for the surgery; he has trouble expressing himself in a way that isn't constantly telling me how unfair it feels to him.

For now, I will work on small changes and trying to be supportive without wearing myself out. And I do truly appreciate any other thoughts you all might have. I love the hive brain.

[M2G 1,836]

Well my husband is also sleeved (about 5 months after I had mine) so we generally do not argue about food unless we are at a restaurant and trying to pick something to "share" (we usually get what we want and eat the leftovers the next day but on rare occasions it doesn't make sense to have leftovers and then we split...our biggest disagreement is over the way steak is cooked...he likes pink middle and mine better be one level below charred. )

But OMG, my girls...let me say we have made great strides in the past 3 years. We do small bowls for everything...no more sitting and mindlessly eating OUT OF THE BOX or the BAG, etc. They are 11 and almost 13 so they are old enough to know all about the rules. They know all about both of our surgeries and they realize that we do a lot of Protein heavy stuff, but I don't deny carbs for them. Afterall I can't expect them to eat as if they have been sleeved as well. But if you *ask* them they will say we NEVER eat bread, Pasta, potoatoes, rice...the list goes on and on. It's said a bit tongue and cheek because we DO allow them that stuff but sometimes we just won't make the effort to add extra carbs to a meal of meat and veggies.

And the baking...omg if I ever *dare* preface something with the word *healthy* I get moans and groans from everyone in the household. I have tried baking with every type of healthy alternative around and it usually goes uneaten by everyone except me. So I've learned to bake and give to others. Or just cave sometimes and bake with regular flour, eggs, sugar and butter.

My youngest takes the cake (sorry about the word choice there... ) when one time I portioned out a some snack Cookies for her. After her little tiny bowl was empty she got up and promptly went for more. I started in with the whole "hey, don't have too many, dinner is right around the corner, etc." speech, she looked at me, rolled her eyes and said "Yeah, well not EVERYONE in this household has the stomach the size of a squirrel!" Wow. Point to the youngest.

[Arts137 1,811]

The ONE advantage of having the kids grown and out of the house. I cook a LOT, but am lucky that my darlin wife supports a lower sodium, fat (etc) approach.

When raising kids I ALWAYS gave the family two choices: Take it or leave it.

[clk 3,519]

Back to enabling, as I have exhausted my cache of "naked" videos until Laura and Butter submit theirs.

We touched on this earlier in the thread somewhere, but I have been thinking about the reverse enabling that is happening in my house right now. My husband (who occasionally might need killing) has complained in the last couple of weeks that he is "being shortchanged" because I am not cooking for the family right now. Rest assured, they're getting full meals with the full complement of food, but I have been going to some ready made food from a local (lovely) grocery store. The meals are billed as "made for 2" but there's more than enough food for 3 or 4 people in them.

In a sense, though, this enables unhealthy habits for them. They're not generally a simple lean meat, veg, and starch. Things like enchiladas with refried black Beans and rice. Or chicken cordon bleu with green Beans and apple crisp. And of course, the starchier starches involved, the better they like it. I serve them all and get out of their way.

I'm guessing that as I start cooking in the next few weeks I will have more control. But I'm perplexed as to how to turn this all around without "compensating" for the fact that I'm used to serving them big food but I can't really eat it anymore. I wonder how much of my identity as a mother and wife is tied up in big feeding…and how much they're going to protest when their meals change with my needs. It's something we all need. It's just daunting.

Especially now that (at least for the moment) my husband has been denied for surgery, I have lost the other anchor of making a big change in the entire family's habits. I'm sensing a real "f&*% it" attitude from him while my kids are asking for "stuff that's good."

How did you all handle this? And what are your tips for sneaky or overt enabling of GOOD habits?

Oh wow. So much of my identity is tied up in being the nurturer - and yes, that means the feeder. I'm the glue. I'm the one that makes the family happy and as much as I try NOT to make life about food, that definitely involves feeding.

I see both sides of this. I don't expect my family to follow along completely because I made a life-altering decision. But then again, I'm not going to feed them in a way that puts them in the same obesity boat in ten years, you know? I have a responsibility - it's one I was shirking prior to my surgery, but it was still there. If I make it my duty or my role to feed the family, I should be doing what's best for them.

Compromise worked for us. I shaved down the entire family's consumption of potatoes, Pasta, rice, etc. They eat far less of it than before BUT I make these things for them a few times a month. If I'm going to make something fried but can't/won't eat it myself, I make a small separate portion of that item for myself or I skip the fried food entirely. And my family has gotten used to eating meals where the focus is on Protein but there are a large variety of sides. I tend to make three or four different types of veggies or salads to go with the meal. Several nights a week there is no dedicated "carb" side.

They adjusted. I found healthier ways to cook some of the foods they like. I found ways to make foods they like but I can't eat by adjusting how I do the meal - for instance, spaghetti with meat sauce is now with meatballs. Hubs hated meatballs before but knows I won't make Pasta without them. They eat reasonable portions of the entire meal and I'll eat some salad and a few meatballs for my dinner. We don't all have to eat the same things. I also got more adventurous in the kitchen and some new family favorites are foods that they might have never tried before.

And while there may have been plenty of grumbling in the early days, it's just the norm now. The kids will still skip a side dish if they don't like it, but that's fine. I make healthier meals for us. My husband has lost ten pounds. My kids have a real understanding of balanced eating and they're eating healthier, too. Positives all around, in my opinion.

The hardest thing was to get used to leftovers. dinner is no longer four b/s chicken breasts. It's two. And there's quite often leftovers. I pack lunches for the whole family, too, so leftovers get eaten up that way. But I had to really learn how to make less, and how to re-purpose my leftover food into new dishes so folks would eat them again.

It's nice that the roasted chicken on a Friday night makes three or four meals, though.

If your husband wanted surgery, too, it can only help him to reign in his eating with you and possibly lose weight alongside you. My kids might WANT Oreo Cookies and Twinkies. It doesn't matter what they want. My job is to make sure they don't wind up with diabetes in their twenties the way I did, and to do it in a way that doesn't shame them or give them issues about food.

~Cheri

[Nicolanz 1,484]

There are great healthy recipes online. I like skinnytaste.com. My husband hates anything called healthy but he doesn't feel deprived when I cook. I still cook him rice, potatoes, or Pasta to fill him up and I'll eat cauliflower for rice or quinoa. He's extremely active and skinny, though.

I understand the role of a mother. It's absolutely exhausting! But in my situation, my husband works 3rd shift and watches the kids during the day while I'm at work or at school. We're both exhausted but because I'm home at night, I am the cook. I never stopped cooking for the family and those first couple of months were HARD!

I can't imagine being denied this surgery. It would put me into a deep depression. I'm sure your husband is experiencing an emotional roller coaster without knowing how to express himself. Start out with small changes. Doing a complete overhaul will discourage everyone.

[No game 14,437]

Wow Cheri, that's still something I do! Cook too much and then find myself peddling leftovers for days...

But on that note fluff,

I understand cooking is hard. Especially when you work! And now that we are sleeved it makes it even more of a chore because really I could just open up a yogurt for dinner and be fine.

Oh and one more thing...I HATE cooking too

I'm not like GG (I wish I were) and want try new things.

So what do I do? Start with a big piece of meat!

I boil (yes boil) a chicken every week. I then shred all the meat off and use that for myself but also my family. For instance this last week they got burritos one day and Soup the next day.. Sometimes it's fettuccine, sometimes a salad with chicken on top. Obviously I don't eat some of these things but when I make the burritos for instance I will eat the seasoned chicken..

Also if I cook a big slab of red meat one day the next I will slice it up and "fry" rice and veggies and add it to the mix.

I am the only one in my family with weight issues.

So these things are not great for me. But in balance they are fine for the family.

Meat and veg and a starch for them.

It's about reinventing...

Your husband, I'm so sorry and I'm sure he has a lot of emotions swirling around with his denial.

Perhaps they can dig around in his health issues and find another comorbidity and resubmit again?