Enabling

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

So I have had people ask me "how did you do it?" - I mean beyond the WLS, Savvy people know that even post surgery many people don't lose more then 50-75% of their excess weight. For me, just eating normal with the help of the sleeve I could get down to say under 200# but getting to the size I am now took being a little radical - low carbs, exercise, great reduction in consumption. Not saying it is what everyone should do or needs to do - but when high BMI people "hope" to have success similiar to mine I tell what it took for me. That is interpeted as being radical or hardcore -no, it's the truth.

I have chosen to re-arrange aspects of my life to be less food centered. Easter we didnt do our usual food orgy Breakfast, we hiked to the top of a ridge with a beautiful view. I simply don't hang out with food oriented people anymore because I cannot spend so much time planning food, cooking food, and I expecially don't want to hang with the food pushers.... it all triggers my desire to overeat. I have alot of "willpower" - I always have - the difference is I am smarter now. I make the decision ONCE (ie don't buy the box of Cookies, tub of ice cream or spend the day with a foodie person) instead of a thousand times - like everytime walking by that open box of Cookies would force me to do.

Anyway, this weight loss journey is a challenge. None of us vets got to the current "headspace" overnight and along the way, we saw alot of people NOT reach a healthy weight and feel disappointment over that. It is easy to come across very strident about these things we feel passion over and just cringe at all the happy backslapping over all the great stuf that a sleever "can eat". In the end, each person has to make the choice themselves (do I eat it because I CAN or becuase it's what my body needs) and I sometimes wonder if trying to share insights from the school of hard knocks actually helps anybody at all.

[kvlasy 195]

Anyway' date=' this weight loss journey is a challenge. None of us vets got to the current "headspace" overnight and along the way, we saw alot of people NOT reach a healthy weight and feel disappointment over that. It is easy to come across very strident about these things we feel passion over and just cringe at all the happy backslapping over all the great stuf that a sleever "can eat". In the end, each person has to make the choice themselves (do I eat it because I CAN or becuase it's what my body needs) and I sometimes wonder if trying to share insights from the school of hard knocks actually helps anybody at all.[/quote']

It DOES help. It really, truly does. I am not very far out (<6 months) and I can tell you that I depend on your insight - along with several other vets. Not only have you lived it, you have seen enough trends (and posters) on these boards to have a good idea where situations lead. I read threads a lot based on the subject and find that I veer towards the vets forum a lot. Why? I want to know what I am facing. Not today, or six months from now - but 1, ,2 or 5 or 6 years from now. It's invaluable. The very fact that the forum vets don't enable destructive behavior, while still taking the time to respond to the posts, sets an example to the rest of us.

Sent from my iPad using VST

[No game 14,437]

food addict reporting for duty. I find the closer I get to goal the more I see how easy it is to let those behaviors reemerge. I don't know if it is fear of getting to goal and then what? As an addict' date=' once I start on a trigger food all control goes out the window. That's why there can't be certain foods in my house. I imagine it is like telling and alcoholic one sip is ok. Where I am currently challenged is that my addiction is always seeking a new outlet, a food that held no power over me one day like Cookies (I'm a crackers/chips kind of girl) can suddenly become my drug of choice. I am already dreading this week a bit as I must do what all addicts do and go cold turkey. Today, I am getting all of the Halloween treats out if the house and pushing Water. I've got 2 carb-bloat pounds that I need to get off from a week of feeding the addiction.[/quote']

Erp yes! I'm feeling the same way! Years of therapy, gastric sleeve surgery these new habits should be ingrained! But now that I'm closer to goal it seems like it's getting mentally harder.

One chip is never just one chip for me..

[No game 14,437]

Very interesting thread. I think I was physically addicted to simple carbs and sugar' date=' but I don't have the emotional dependence you list and I didn't eat in secret. I also rarely binged. But I did eat uncontrollable amounts of carbs, especially toward the end. The enabling on this forum terrifies me and makes me sad. I have to stay away from threads that encourage cheating. I have to stop reading and unsubscribe from threads that go on to talking about food that I'm trying really hard not to eat. I am afraid reading about donuts and cake and Cookies will tempt me to remember how good those tasted, and before you know it, I'll be found face first in a cake. I realize this isn't a problem for others. It's MY problem and I have to deal with it on my own. I'm not saying others shouldn't post in jest about forbidden foods. I'm just saying I can't read those threads because they trigger my cravings. But the threads that actively ENCOURAGE going off the plan especially for pre-ops or recently sleeved? Those just make me angry. I don't like feeling angry because that means I am being judgmental and I don't want to be judgmental. They infuriate me and scare me. Doing something unsafe or self-destructive and then seeking absolution? And getting it? I don't think that's a good role for a SUPPORT forum to play. Supportive is saying, yes we all make mistakes, now get back on the plan. If your version of support is to say "honey it's okay, I do it too", that's not support, that's enablement. I totally get that I sound very definitive and judgmental in this post. I know that it will anger some people and I will apologize in advance. Please know that the context of the post is simply sharing what *I* struggle with, not my version of saying "here's what YOU are doing wrong". I struggle with posts talking about food I should not be eating. I struggle when we enable addicts. I struggle when we grant absolution for what is physically dangerous behavior that could lead to leaks and complications. I struggle when we tell people to ignore their doctors pre-op diets because someone didn't have that diet. I struggle when we tell a newly-sleeved person it's okay to have a taco on day 3 "because I did and nothing bad happened." Fortunately I have the option to just not read those threads and/or to not visit the forum on the days those threads seem to be everywhere. Even more fortunately, I'm grateful for all the truly supportive, encouraging, loving posts on here that have made this forum a significant part of my life right now. Thanks for reading my long ramble [/quote']

GG

You and I are on the same page with this.....

These "harmless" threads at some point take a dark turn and I want to scream!

But when I say something I get told "oh none of that here! This is a fun no judgement thread."

I want to say....

Yes it's ok to have a "treat" or not "deny" yourself if what you want. But what about the others posting in this thread that one right there that is two days out engaging is self destructive dangerous behavior. Or this one that is in pain...

Or this one that can't stop. Or yes this one about to be sleeved and thinks YES! I can continue on the same path as before because the sleeve will save me.

Or people like me... That start thinking well ok maybe just one chip...

[Fluffnomore 1,235]

One of the reasons I have found GG's posts so interesting is that she is going through this with her husband. I don't feel like I have deep-seated behavior issues around food although I am SURE I am going to find out whether that's really true.

One of the reasons I didn't jump right in the pool and post was that I was also a little freaked out when lurking during my pre-op, when people would post about ignoring the instructions completely or saying it was too hard. Like, not…"I took a few bites of dinner" but "I went to the drive through and ordered a 20 piece McNugget" ignoring it. Yeah, it's hard and it's a pain. I'm still on Clear liquids and I feel like I have strained every broth I can. I wondered if I could find or offer support when I was being all judgy on my own.

My heart goes out to the people who get so triggered by food. But I know I'm not far enough along to mess with the program. Maybe I'll think some of the "dirty secrets" stuff is funny down the line, I don't know. I kind of doubt it.

[Bkind2u 48]

Laura you have inspired, educated, and amused me so much! I just read your post on sliders and realized a sneaky slider that had crept into my life- reduced fat wheat thins! Your post on enabling and food addiction hit the mark also. I binged and starved and exercised for 3 decades, sometimes maintaining goal weight for a year by indulging other addictions such as sex, other times reaching goal then immediately binging out of control! I was sleeved 9/11/13 and an SO THANKFUL to have the food restriction that does not allow me to binge. I finally feel relaxed around food. My rationalization and food demons are beaten back to a controllable level. Every day I come on here and read to stay aware and awake in my new habits and realizations. You, Butterpants, Gamergirl and Lipstick Lady (I want to be a pretty pretty princess!) are gurus. Thank you.

[gamergirl 4,610]

One of the reasons I have found GG's posts so interesting is that she is going through this with her husband. I don't feel like I have deep-seated behavior issues around food although I am SURE I am going to find out whether that's really true. One of the reasons I didn't jump right in the pool and post was that I was also a little freaked out when lurking during my pre-op' date=' when people would post about ignoring the instructions completely or saying it was too hard. Like, not…"I took a few bites of dinner" but "I went to the drive through and ordered a 20 piece McNugget" ignoring it. Yeah, it's hard and it's a pain. I'm still on Clear Liquids and I feel like I have strained every broth I can. I wondered if I could find or offer support when I was being all judgy on my own. My heart goes out to the people who get so triggered by food. But I know I'm not far enough along to mess with the program. Maybe I'll think some of the "dirty secrets" stuff is funny down the line, I don't know. I kind of doubt it.[/quote']

I could relate to the differences between you and your husband. Mine too will eat it if he can see it. I don't have that issue. But I pretty much can't have treats in the pantry for the kids because my husband will eat them. We've had to store their candy or treats in their room which I hate! Bugs! Ants! Ugh.

But pre-sleeve, he couldn't control himself. Now, we just don't test him by leaving it around.

But here's a really good motivator to stick to plan. If I go off plan? It gives my husband permission to go off plan, and vice versa. So we know that if one of us goes down, we take the other one down with us. And that's not something either of us is willing to do. Funny how we do things for those we love that we struggle to do for ourselves. So it really, really helps to be sleeved together.

Btw, not saying this will happen to you, but I was sure I didn't have an eating problem. In the last 3 months since being sleeved, I've realized that I was, without a doubt, a sugar/carb addict.

Sometimes we have to stop our destructive habits BEFORE we can understand why we have them, not the other way around.

[Bkind2u 48]

Oops I meant Butterthebean lol, also cowgirl Jane ( I am obsessed with reading about plastics!) and all of you who share your journey honestly and with an open mind.

[Wags 549]

• Are you more interested in what food is served at social gatherings than looking forward to the warmth of being with the people attending?

THIS WAS ME!!!!

I've talked about this before on the forum. It is changing now, thanks to good advice from people here on the board.

[McButterpants 2,846]

So a couple of things I've learned on my pre-op diet...

1. I am a sneaky eater - I would eat when my husband and son would go somewhere. I would tell them I couldn't go with them because I had work to do or something around the house. Then I would eat.

2. I ate a lot out of boredom.

I didn't realize the extent of either behavior until I started the pre-op diet and I'm not able to eat. It's really disturbing. But, I'm glad I'm going thru this - it is hard, really hard, but I know I'm getting better, not perfect, better.

[No game 14,437]

• Are you more interested in what food is served at social gatherings than looking forward to the warmth of being with the people attending? THIS WAS ME!!!! I've talked about this before on the forum. It is changing now' date=' thanks to good advice from people here on the board.[/quote']

For the most part I experienced shame in public eating and didn't like social food events because I would "starve" and binge when I got home..

With the exception of one friend though..

She threw (actually still throws) parties that are more like an hedonistic food orgy. I loved, loved going and eating there... But it was because we were all obese. She is super morbidly obese.

I am for the most part...

• Do you eat in private so no one will see you?

• Do you avoid social interactions because you feel you do not look good enough or do not have the proper fitting clothes to wear?

• Do you steal other people’s food?

[No game 14,437]

Butterpants!

I would say no thank you to so I could stay home so I could eat too..

[gomekast 559]

Omg! Thank you for this post Laura!

I was hit with this today. I always knew it, but hadn't really dealt with it so head on.

My husband left this morning with our kids to run to the store. Soon as they left, I felt that sudden urge inside me..and I looked at the kitchen and thought...

"Old me would've ran in there, had two pieces of pizza, some chicken rings and then had a bunch of Halloween candy for desert."

All simply because they were gone. It would make me feel so good too..for about 15-30 minutes.

Yesterday I treated my kids to burger king playland. I got my kicks off just looking an smelling at it. Old me would've eaten everything my kids didn't eat, along with my own meal.

I've been in therapy for 8 years..and was just sleeved back on the 22nd. I've come a long long way from where I was 8 years ago, but I will always be a food addict in recovery.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I just might have a good shot at getting the upper hand in this addiction. I will always need to be on alert tho, and I'm aware of that.

One chip, slice, taste is never enough for this chic either. Never will be.

[No game 14,437]

Oops I meant Butterthebean lol' date=' also cowgirl Jane ( I am obsessed with reading about plastics!) and all of you who share your journey honestly and with an open mind.[/quote']

By the way I liked when you called him butterpants

He can be like a sponge bob character..

Patrick butterpants

[Butterthebean 8,146]

By the way I liked when you called him butterpants He can be like a sponge bob character.. Patrick butterpants

Oh lord. Butterpants! Where's the toast?