Anyone Afraid of Telling Others about WLS?

[LumpySpacePrincess 594]

At 33, I've been struggling with my weight for 30 years now; that's right 30! I'm sure many of you have been struggling for equally as long, so our elation at being able to get this procedure that will change our lives for the better seems like something you'd want to shout from the rooftops to everyone you know, right?

I wish I could. I'm actually afraid of the judgment that may come along with it. I told two friends early on when I was just considering the surgery, even before I went to the seminar, and they refuse to speak to me now. Fellow obese girls who probably feel like I've abandoned them in some sort of fleshy sisterhood, or that my future thinner self might be judgmental of them. Although this is not the case on my part, it does make me worry about sending a widespread message to everyone that I'm doing this.

There is a certain amount of shame, at least for me, that has come with this decision. It is like I failed at something that I should have been good at. I know its my body, my insulin resistance that went undetected probably since childhood that has fuelled the fire of obesity for so long. I know, logically, that for those of us who choose this path it is not that we were lazy, or didn't want to diet, or didn't try. In fact, I find that most of us have probably stuck with diets and exercise plans far longer than our naturally thin counterparts. I know every diet you can think of inside and out. I am a fat war veteran, and this surgery is like my war reparations for battling for so long.

It pains me to think that I can't tell everyone I know without feeling judgment, abandonment, or guilt/shame. Maybe it won't be that way; maybe everyone would be happy and supportive. I just cringe at the thought of telling everyone before I get my surgery date on Thursday and then having to retract that statement if something goes wrong, or the inevitable replies of "Oh, you don't need that! I'll give you a diet that will make you slim, and all you have to do is walk."

I'm just wondering if anyone else has felt this way, has kept this news from the others around them. Maybe I should just bite the bullet and make a Facebook post to let everyone know. Maybe if I just rip the band-aid off, the scab of shame will come with it??

[AmandaRaeLeo 2,146]

You will find many passionate opinions that vary greatly on this subject. They will run the gamet from "shout it from the rooftops" to "My body. My business." to witty retorts and outright deceit.

All feel they are right or justified in their way of handling this life changing event and may even attack when challenged. I am of the mindset of silence or honesty, no lies.

Basing it solely on your post stating you feel shame and embarrassed. That you don't want to be judged or abandoned I would suggest you search your heart and soul. I believe honesty is empowering. I do not like the idea of hiding because you fear other's responses. You are giving them power over you. They do not deserve it.

I've been very open about my choice. I've experienced some negativity. It stung. But I worked at remembering that they are the one with the problem. Not me. It is my body. My health. My choice. And I am not ashamed.

My name is Amanda Rae. I am a food addict. I had WLS, and I am not ashamed.

[Teachamy 1,042]

If you do write a Facebook post, I think it should be this. YOU are a great writer. (I should know, I'm an English teacher!) This post explains it all.

You'll probably find wonderful support in the least likely people. I say, go for it!

[BeBeSpArKLeS 70]

Each person makes their own decision on who to tell and what to tell them. I have seem multiple people who were ashamed to tell others but had very positive outcomes. There are others who haven't been so fortunate.

Personally I chose not to tell anybody except my sister and my husband. I am 7 months out, down 91 lbs and still haven't told others. Part of me is ashamed it came to surgery and the other part of me doesn't want the judgement from others. As I stated this last weekend to some fellow sleevers I am a don't ask don't tell type person. I am not lying, just not shouting from the rooftops. If somebody asks if I had weight loss surgery I will talk to them about it. Unfortunately we live in a world surrounded by judgement and scrutiny there is no escaping that.

This is your personal decision on if you should tell, who you should tell and when you should tell them. Good luck in making your decision.

Edited October 29, 2013 by BeBeSpArKLeS

[McButterpants 2,846]

This is such a personal decision and everyone has their reasons for telling the people or not telling people.

I have told 5 people - my husband, my mom and dad, my son and my best friend. Right now, I don't plan on telling anyone else. I have a very close inner circle and am a private person by nature. I plan on going to a local support group tomorrow, so the cat may be out of the bag eventually.

There are some that tell everyone including the mailman and that's great if that works for them. I'm just not wired that way.

If you do tell, be prepared for people to have an opinion - right, wrong or indifferent - and they may share it with you.

Best of luck to you. You will know what the right decision is for you.

[sookiee 13]

I know just how you feel! I haven't really told anyone. I've told a couple of people at work and my immediate family, but that is it! If it spreads at work, then I will know it came from one of two places and I won't be happy! My husband told my MIL the other day and I didn't know how to feel about that. She and my FIL have always been great, just...

We've got a family (in-laws) gathering coming up this weekend and I am worried that the word has spread and I will receive some unwanted comments.

I guess it is just so personal and I understand about the shame feeling. I am having the same feeling. My husband wonders why I'm down since I got my surgery date (12/2), but I think it is because I feel like a failure for not being able to do this on my own. And, then, of course, I'm worried about failing at this! Maybe that is why I am reluctant to tell. I've been trying to think of a response if anyone says anything after surgery about my weight loss and was thinking something like - "losing it under a doctor's care" or something.

[endless80 697]

At first I wanted to keep it a secret but in all honesty, it's almost next to impossible to keep it a secret from everyone. Especially if you eat with them, they will be like 'whats up?' because you eat so little.

I realized shortly after having the surgery that I just needed to own it. And I did. I decided to make drastic changes in my life and you are too. Drastic changes in your life rarely ever come without a certain degree of casualties and those two obese girls who no longer talk to you are yours.

I strive to live as transparent a life as I can. I don't like secrets, especially ones that could potentially save someones life down the line. I am very honest about this surgery to folks when I talk about it but it comes from a place of passion and respect for the journey than shame. People have been more supportive than I could have imagined, especially because they can see with their own two eyes that it's working.

[Sunshine0328 12]

I too told a very dear friend about this surgery and my desire to have it done. Right away I felt her bristle and then she stated that she thought I was using it as a cop out and that I just wasn't trying hard enough.

First off, she's as heavy as I am. Second, she has no clue of my struggle, my pains, my tears, my desire to live like the thinner inner person that I am. I have mulled over her words, they gnawed at me. Then the PA said something that made perfectly good sense. This procedure is a tool. A tool to help you achieve your goal!

So who couldn't use a tool to help them. Cars are tools. Clothing, jewelry, shoes, the gym, diets, exercise, etc. are all TOOLS!! We can use whatever tool we see fit that will get us to our goal.

So I am proudly going to have this surgery and I will gladly share my story with anyone who asks. If there are those who are too narrow minded to see that this tool is helping me to become a healthier person, then that's theIr dumb ass loss, I refuse to allow that negativity to slow my roll! LOL

Oh, and that "friend" has stopped calling/texting etc. since she now has a plump boyfriend to share her lifestyle with (eating). Let's see who's healthier and happier this time next year!

Edited October 29, 2013 by Sunshine0328

[Shells_Almost_There 357]

This is one of those major decisions that we each make in our own way - whichever way you go, own that decision! It's yours. You are doing something very personal for you - not for your friends, overweight or not. Friends come and go - we only have one life. The surgery will change that life, but it isn't an easy way out or magical - it's a lot work. (I personally didn't want to share with my gossipy co-workers or with my family who would lecture or worry, so I took a well-deserved vacation. I came back to work rested and healthier and no one knows the difference! People are starting to notice my weight loss, but they are aware I've been on a high-protein diet and have not given it a 2nd thought. That was my choice and I'm happy I went that route). Good luck to you, whatever you decide.

[joatsaint 2,814]

I'm just wondering if anyone else has felt this way, has kept this news from the others around them. Maybe I should just bite the bullet and make a Facebook post to let everyone know. Maybe if I just rip the band-aid off, the scab of shame will come with it??

I had a hard time telling my parents I decided to have WLS. And I only told one other person. So your feelings are perfectly normal. Your question comes up almost weekly on the board, so you're not alone. One of us, one of us, one of us...:-P

You might want to watch the video I created on just this question: To tell or not tell.

http://www.youtu.be/XBdwa_p35vA

Edited October 29, 2013 by joatsaint

[VSKitty 11]

I've told my family and a few friends. Everyone has been incredibly supportive of my decision so far. I've not yet had the surgery, but so far, so good. Truth be told, if they did have a problem with it, then that is their problem and not mine. Until someone walks your same path and wears your same shoes then they really aren't in a position to say anything! Some may mean well and say something out of concern, but they can't know how we feel, or think or know of our pain. Tell if it will help you. If there is support out there in your circle, great! But if it will hurt you, by negativity then don't bother.

This journey is yours alone and only you can judge yourself. Only you can tell yourself if you are making the right decision. Put yourself first and embrace your decision because YOU are so WORTH it! The naysayers can all go look in the mirror and remind themselves of how perfect they are Best wishes to you on your incredible journey!

[CeeHannah 1]

I have made the decision not to share with people as well. I do not want people thinking I am too lazy to get up and work out. This is my last resort, many people do not understand that. So I choose to keep my trap shut...

However, Sunshine0328 you made a great point! Perhaps I may change my mind after reading that...!

Edited October 29, 2013 by CeeHannah

[JerseyGirl68 1,172]

It really is a personal choice. I also won't lie about my surgery if asked, but there are some people I did not share it with. I am proud of my decision to have surgery. It was a positive pro-active step in my owning where my health was and doing something about it.

Sunshine hit it on the head. This is a tool. You make it successful or not. You have to do the work and make the lifelong changes. Anyone that says it is a cop out, is uninformed. period. That is where I drew the line at who I told. Those close to me that I knew to be open minded and accepting of things they didn't know about, I felt comfortable sharing with. Before I shared with anyone, I had all my own questions answered and knew I could speak from a place of knowledge and facts. I know a bunch of folks that believe what they believe and that is it. I also know people who talk too much about other people's business without all the facts. Those two sets of people I don't share any personal information with. It is my news to share or not share and I asked those I told to respect that.

I also have a very close friend who was not as supportive as I had hoped, nothing really negative, but absolutely nothing positive either. Oh well. I can be happy enough for the two of us on this one. I try not to let it effect the friendship. You are making a very positive decision for YOU. Try not to let other's shortcomings influence your feelings on this. If you know you have all your information, and are confident in your surgeon and your ability to follow through, then take comfort in that. Anyone who can't get on board, then you'll have to take this trip without them.

Stay strong and good luck on Thursday!!

[Clara Rose 4]

I am a lot older than you are and I have the very same problem. Although I am sure that those who do know have told others, I have not. I did not tell anyone at work or church; I've always been shy about sharing personal details with others. So they will have ask me directly, I will not lie to them but will not volunteer any info either.

[ArtistNic 13]

I was afraid of sharing it out of Facebook. but I am one to post alot on facebook. So after talking to a few, they suggested I make a private group and so I did. I invited people I knew would be supportive, and I also posted in the group that I was making this group to support me, That I didn't want any negativity. This was a hard decision and would be a hard journey and I needed support and encouragement. It was the best decision. It has really been a help. I has some rough times and my friends were there to pick me up, pray for me and encourage me. There will be some people with negativeness. The ones that don't talk to you anymore, you need to evaluate if they were close friends or party friends. The real friends will stick by you and support you.