Feeling emotional. How will this be different? More pre-opper musings

[McButterpants 2,846]

My surgery date is 11/14/13 and I start my two-week liquid diet on 10/31/13. I’m feeling particularly emotional lately and more so today. I don’t know why and I guess it doesn’t matter why I’m more emotional today than I was yesterday or 20 minutes ago.

I’m having difficulty sleeping; I’ve been having weird dreams the past few nights. In my dreams, I look really different than what I assume I’ll look a year down the road (funny, in my dreams, my breasts get bigger and perkier, my hair changes color and it’s think and long – the hubby likes that). I’ve been moody; some things my husband says just set me off (more than usual – the hubby doesn’t like that). I think about food more than I did a couple of weeks ago. And I’m worried about the two-week liquid diet I will start in ten days. I’m cutting back on caffeine and refined sugars and trying to watch my portion sizes (it’s great, I haven’t lost a pound – note sarcasm).

I have thoughts like: “Can I really do this?” “What if I fail at this like every other attempt to lose weight?” “What if I’m not strong enough to do this?”

I’m not having second thoughts on the surgery, I am committed to this and my rational brain tells me that everything will be OK. But that little voice in the back of my head that has berated me for so long, that bully that laughs at me every time I get on the scale and it doesn’t move continues to mock me and calls me disgusting. There’s that lingering self-doubt. I lack confidence that I will be successful at losing weight when I’ve been such a failure before. Will I ever get rid of that little b***h in the back of my head? How do I snuff her out? How do I take away her power over me? Why am I giving that abusive voice so much power?

I assume at least some of you post-oppers felt like this before your surgery. I know I need to buck up and think of this as a new beginning. I am blessed to have this opportunity to turn things around. I just don’t know how to get over this funk I am in. Any suggestions?

[kvlasy 195]

My surgery date is 11/14/13 and I start my two-week liquid diet on 10/31/13. I’m feeling particularly emotional lately and more so today. I don’t know why and I guess it doesn’t matter why I’m more emotional today than I was yesterday or 20 minutes ago. I’m having difficulty sleeping; I’ve been having weird dreams the past few nights. In my dreams' date=' I look really different than what I assume I’ll look a year down the road (funny, in my dreams, my breasts get bigger and perkier, my hair changes color and it’s think and long – the hubby likes that). I’ve been moody; some things my husband says just set me off (more than usual – the hubby doesn’t like that). I think about food more than I did a couple of weeks ago. And I’m worried about the two-week liquid diet I will start in ten days. I’m cutting back on caffeine and refined sugars and trying to watch my portion sizes (it’s great, I haven’t lost a pound – note sarcasm). I have thoughts like: “Can I really do this?” “What if I fail at this like every other attempt to lose weight?” “What if I’m not strong enough to do this?” I’m not having second thoughts on the surgery, I am committed to this and my rational brain tells me that everything will be OK. But that little voice in the back of my head that has berated me for so long, that bully that laughs at me every time I get on the scale and it doesn’t move continues to mock me and calls me disgusting. There’s that lingering self-doubt. I lack confidence that I will be successful at losing weight when I’ve been such a failure before. Will I ever get rid of that little b***h in the back of my head? How do I snuff her out? How do I take away her power over me? Why am I giving that abusive voice so much power? I assume at least some of you post-oppers felt like this before your surgery. I know I need to buck up and think of this as a new beginning. I am blessed to have this opportunity to turn things around. I just don’t know how to get over this funk I am in. Any suggestions?[/quote']

Your post really resonated with me. I had the exact same feelings from diets past coupled with "I can't believe I'm really doing this" thoughts. M poor spouse bore the brunt of my feelings. I kept telling myself it was anxiety - and it was. On top of worries about complications was the worry that I might fail at this too. Imagine how astounded I was to get on the scale for the first time post op and be down 8 pounds! I NEVER had that kind of drop dieting! It was my paradigm shift. This isn't a diet. It's my new life. Based on what I was reading in the forum, I then figured I had a window of opportunity of 6 months to maximize my weight loss, so I committed to strict adherence to my food program. And I'm following it very closely, logging everything I eat, my Water intake, my exercising and my Vitamins. So far, 5 months out, I'm down 60 pounds and am 12 from goal (I'm a lightweight and started with a BMI of 35). My CPAP machine is in the closet and my Lipitor has been cut in half. I'm succeeding at my new life so far beyond my expectations I'm still pinching myself!

You are strong enough. Just look in the mirror and say, "I can do this. I will do this. This is for me and I'm worth it". Because you ARE worth it and you WILL be successful. (Hugs).

Sent from my iPad using VST

[McButterpants 2,846]

Thanks for the kind words! Your story inspires me. Congrats on your success.

[formerblonde 17]

I so love your name!! Your post struck a chord with me. Mostly the witch in your brain part. I have one too that has been living rent free for too long. My weight loss journey has been astounding. Surgery on 12/14/12. 325 pounds. Today I'm 222 and still losing slowly, but still losing is the important part! From my highest weight at 365, I've lost a whole person! I still have a small child to go, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I was vigilant for about the first 3 months, tracking food, Water, exercise, and Vitamins, but I don't want to be on a "diet" the rest of my life. I just want to live. So that's what I do. I eat what the "little tummy" wants to eat. I don't track it. I eat lots of chicken, but have had the occasional piece of pizza, cookie, and even chips and ice cream (gasp!). I don't exercise aside from walking my dog. I feel like I've conquered the food monster in my head, but the self-loathing, hateful, " you're a disgusting failure" b***h is still lurking in the corners of my brain. When I go clothes shopping, I never step foot into a dressing room. Too many years of utter defeat trying on clothes. I still have to fight just buying the largest size on the rack. It's the voice in my head. I've come a million miles from where I was and I thank God for this surgery every day. It's a struggle but one that I now have the strength to face. The b***h in my head is still there, but she's losing strength and getting quieter every day, every pound, every smaller size. I think it's a "time" thing. Be patient. Vent. Cry. Laugh. Sing. Dance. It will happen. All the good things you dream of. Good luck and God speed on your journey. There's a lot of us here who have had the same doubts and fears. Reach out. This forum is a wealth of support!

[kmbrcvzs 23]

I have been feeling many of the same things. I am nervous I know I have worked hard to get to this point and I am ready but this is a life altering decision. My life is going to forever change and I am scared. I wish you much luck in your journey.

[gamergirl 4,610]

My surgery date is 11/14/13 and I start my two-week liquid diet on 10/31/13. I’m feeling particularly emotional lately and more so today. I don’t know why and I guess it doesn’t matter why I’m more emotional today than I was yesterday or 20 minutes ago. I’m having difficulty sleeping; I’ve been having weird dreams the past few nights. In my dreams' date=' I look really different than what I assume I’ll look a year down the road (funny, in my dreams, my breasts get bigger and perkier, my hair changes color and it’s think and long – the hubby likes that). I’ve been moody; some things my husband says just set me off (more than usual – the hubby doesn’t like that). I think about food more than I did a couple of weeks ago. And I’m worried about the two-week liquid diet I will start in ten days. I’m cutting back on caffeine and refined sugars and trying to watch my portion sizes (it’s great, I haven’t lost a pound – note sarcasm). I have thoughts like: “Can I really do this?” “What if I fail at this like every other attempt to lose weight?” “What if I’m not strong enough to do this?” I’m not having second thoughts on the surgery, I am committed to this and my rational brain tells me that everything will be OK. But that little voice in the back of my head that has berated me for so long, that bully that laughs at me every time I get on the scale and it doesn’t move continues to mock me and calls me disgusting. There’s that lingering self-doubt. I lack confidence that I will be successful at losing weight when I’ve been such a failure before. Will I ever get rid of that little b***h in the back of my head? How do I snuff her out? How do I take away her power over me? Why am I giving that abusive voice so much power? I assume at least some of you post-oppers felt like this before your surgery. I know I need to buck up and think of this as a new beginning. I am blessed to have this opportunity to turn things around. I just don’t know how to get over this funk I am in. Any suggestions?[/quote']

First, I need you to get out of my brain. Second I need you to please stop posting all my thoughts for the whole world to see. Third, I need to give you a hug and reassure you.

I "knew" I was going to fail pre-op. There was no way in heck I was going to to be able to just have Protein shakes and veg Soup for two straight weeks. I knew I would fail before even having the surgery. No matter that others succeed, I would fail.

But I didn't. I didn't fail. I took it one day at a time and never cheated, not even once.

Then I "knew" I was going to be that medical marvel that couldn't lose weight even after the surgery. Everyone else does, but I'm special and I've failed 10000 times at things that others post testimonials for, so I knew I wasn't going to lose any weigh even after the surgery.

But i didn't. I didn't fail, and I lost 35 lbs in 3 months.

Now I "know" I will never reach goal weight. Even though others did and even though I'm following the plan, I've stalled three times in 3 months. I've spent over 30 days in stalls. Last two months, I've only lost 6 lbs a month. So I know I won't reach goal.

Have I learned from my past two unwarranted fears of failure? Not yet. Because even now, 3 months since I started pre-op, I'm still "sure" I'm going to fail.

It's an ongoing battle of the brain. Welcome to the club!

As to now to get over the funk, what works for me is to say, I can control my behavior, but I canto control the outcome. I can follow the plan, eat my Protein and drink my Water. I cannot control my weight loss. I can exercise. I cannot control the speed with which I lose. I can choose every single mealtime at preop to stick to the plan. I can't control whether or not I lose anything during pre-op.

It takes blind faith to believe that even though you can't control the outcome, that you should keep following the plan. But try to judge yourself on whether you are following the plan, irrespective of the outcome, and maybe that will get you there?

[slvrsax 301]

I can so identify with how you're feeling! I am a little less than 2 months pre-op and will be starting the pre-op diet in six weeks. I'm not so worried about complications (for now), but I do have this nagging doubt of what if this just doesn't work for me? What if this is just another thing to add to the long list of failed diets? I am just going to step out on faith and hope for the best. I'd rather live with a little fear of the unknown than live with the most certain idea that without this surgery I will be diabetic within a year or two. Hang in there! You will do great!

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

All the fears and moodiness and lack of sleep came for me after the surgery...i was so sure that now that it was my turn I would fail at it like all the other diets.....

My hubby used to just stare at me when I lost my mind and yelled at him for no reason...So I just started saying please forgive me I lost my mind when I was sleeved...LOL

I can still be difficult..I know hard to believe...but I am getting used to the idea of being successful and loving every minute of it..

I did the pre-op diet of 2 weeks liquids twice..I am sure you can handle it once....You must find the power within your head..And your body will follow..We are all here rooting you on....Go girl go!!!!!!!!!!!!

[McButterpants 2,846]

I'm reading your responses with tears in my eyes. Thanks so much for the support. It's much needed.

I went for a walk shortly after my post - just the dog and me. I had some time to reflect and have an attitude adjustment. By the time I got home I felt better, then read the kind words you all wrote. My sincerest thank you goes to all.

You are all right - I'm fearing the unknown. I have read gamegirls & RJ'sbeginnings posts for the past few weeks and feel inspired when I read their words. The pre-oppers that have posted - thanks for sharing your thoughts. We're all in this together.

I'm thankful we have this forum to share our thoughts, fears and the many successes.

So I decided rather than wallow, I will work TOWARDS my goal. I work from home and sit at my desk A LOT. I purchased an adjustable height table so instead of sitting it will force me to stand while working. The hubby and I put it together and I'm getting my office straightened out so I can start working the new way tomorrow.

Thanks, friends, I appreciate your support.

[gamergirl 4,610]

Just checking on you. You doing okay today?

[McButterpants 2,846]

Hi there.

Thanks so much for following up and asking. I am doing better today - much better today.

I think it was just one of those momentary lapses.

I saw your blog entry about your hair - though it's expected, I'm sure it's a little unnerving!

Thanks again - it means a lot.

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

So glad you are feeling better today....There are going to be ups and downs and good and ugly times...you can deal with it all...You already made the hardest choice and that was to be sleeved...Life throws us curves all the time....2 things you have on your side..Us here to talk to and the sleeve as your tool......

Your going to make it and not fail because this journey is for the rest of your life and as you feel and see the changes...you are going to be so proud of yourself.....Just keep swimming hun!!!!!!K

[formerblonde 17]

Just finished reading your blog. Love it! Wish I would have recorded my journey as well but que sera. I'm in Vegas! Sin city baby. When you come for surgery I would love to get a cup of coffee, show you around town, or just be moral support if you need it! Again, good luck on your journey. It's the best decision I ever made!

[AprilS 25]

I'm feeling the same things. I'm glad we can post about it here and get the much needed support we need!

[McButterpants 2,846]

I have been so up and down these past few days. I even sat down with a piece of paper and wrote down the pro's and cons. Seriously! I sat down and told my husband, "I just need to you to listen to what I'm saying, I don't want you to try to fix this, just listen" and we had a really good conversation which included some of his fears for me.

We then got off our a$$es and went to the gym. I did 55 minutes of cardio and sweated A LOT. It felt good and it helped clear my brain. I think sometimes I sit around thinking too much and when it gets unproductive is when I get myself in trouble.

We're all in this together. I agree, this is a great forum to come to and put your fears and confessions out there. Sometimes I expect a swift kick in the butt and others, I expect kind words of encouragement.