They said relationships might change. . .

claraluz · August 30, 2004

Prior to getting banded I had heard that relationships could change due to weight loss. It only makes sense. But I really didn't think it would happen to me because I figured the relationships most at risk would be those with spouses or romantic interests. Since I'm not in a relationship, I figured I didn't need to be concerned.

I have (had?) a friend of 14 years. Through the past few years we've grown apart a little because she is a stay-at-home mom and I am a carreer woman. And also because she seemed only to want to see me for dinner at her house with the family and after a year or two of that, I felt my primary relationship with her was suffering from the lack of an opportunity to share girl talk.

But I still considered her to be a very good friend.

Well, for the last year she pretty much has stopped returning my phone calls and hasn't called me at all. My feelings were very hurt and in fact, I spent some tearful evenings wondering whether I had offended her or whether she just didn't like me anymore or what.

She finally called me last week and we had a heart-to-heart. It turns out she had been feeling depressed and bad about herself. She had been feeling worthless because she stayed at home and "never had anything new to say." But another reason she gave for dropping our relationship is that I had had surgery and she knew I would be getting "skinny" and she was too threatened by that.

We are trying to put the pieces of our relationship together again. Obviously my having the surgery was not the only factor here, but it is so amazing to me that it would have been so threatening to her that it was, indeed, a factor.

I just wanted to share that.

Nancy

leatha_g · August 30, 2004

Sorry to hear that Nancy. It is amazing, the human psyche. I do hope you and your friend are able to move past this and build a stronger relationship. It's hard losing close girlfriends. Sometimes harder than man/woman relationships. Been there, done that. I hope you get it worked out!

Leatha

sassaay · August 30, 2004

Nancy,

Yes, this is a very sad situation. But, at least you now know what the problem is and can begin repairing the relationship. It sounds like both of you want this to work and that will be key in you being able to build your relationship and resolve any past pain.

Like Leatha said, I have been there and done that... but in my case, I knew it was time to break the ties and it didn't really bother me that the friendship was over. Yes, I missed the times we spent together, but I didn't miss the negativity and once I saw how my life turned around without those bad forces influencing everything I did... I knew it was for the best.

I wish you and your friend all the best.

New Hope · August 31, 2004

Nancy, that's a shame. But it sounds like the problem is her low self-esteem, not anything that you have done. Perhaps your weight loss and repackaged exterior are threatening to her. I'm glad that you were able to talk with her and be honest with each other. You both have chosen different life paths. I was a stay-at-home mom after working 8 years straight. I loved it and felt honored to be able to. Some people just aren't cut out to stay home. Perhaps she should consider a part-time job. You have done such an amazing job with your weightloss. I, personally, am very, very happy for you! I hope all works out for the best for you!

claraluz · August 31, 2004

Thanks, everyone. Marie, yes the problem in large part was her depression and low self-esteem. She felt like she should be able to be satisfied being at home, but she just wasn't. She only has one child who is in school all day long so there were a lot of empty hours. She is now working 30 hours a week, which is why I think she is feeling better and felt strong enough to call me again. I just wish she could have told me how she felt sooner so that I could have provided encouragement. I understand all that, but what blew me away was that my losing weight actually contributed to our temporary estrangement. It is just so sad that women are conditioned to compare ourselves to each other in terms of how much we weigh.

Nancy