Embarrassed, depressed....

[jg9956 41]

I started this journey ONE year ago and while I am still down, the last 8 months have been a serious struggle. Within 3 months following my surgery, I rocked it and lost 50 lbs. I was on top of the world, feeling great, looking awesome. In January, I suffered the loss of my business due to a fire and since then, it's been nothing but downhill. The stress of the fire, the community rallying to support me through it, being in the public eye and ultimately rebuilding in a location that tripled my sales, has been the most stressful thing I've ever dealt with. Yes, tripling sales is awesome but with that comes tripling bills, and more headaches. In that process, my eating habits have suffered. I have been working 7 days a week, 14+ hours per day, and then coming home to my two kids and trying to juggle. I'm not making excuses, or perhaps I am. I don't know what else to do. I was eating so healthy and really taking care of myself after this surgery but my old ways are creeping back into my life. My last fill was about 6 months ago and since then, I have been getting "stuck" all the time, choking, nearly vomiting and constantly having phlem and pains in my band from overeating. I'm resorting to food to deal with everything again. My band is so tight in the morning so I rarely eat, and then when it seems to open up, I overeat. I'm honestly admitting that I'm doing everything wrong and I just don't know how to get back on track. I think to myself, why did I do this? Why did I have this surgery if it just meant I would have to keep struggling to diet? I am aware that it's totally in my control,, but I cannot seem to get a grip. I have not weighed myself in a month for fear of what the scale is going to show. The last time I checked, I had gained back nearly 15lbs. I'm sure I'm more than that, just too scared to face it. I'm still squeezing into the same size jeans as my lowest weight, however, "squeezing" is the key word. I don't feel fabulous. I feel like going back up a size, but I refuse. I bought a treadmill 3 months ago, have yet to step on it. I buy healthy food options only to throw them out because they spoil because I choose junk. I'm totally embarrassed to see my surgeon, I'm so ashamed. Keep in mind that I'm a foodie, I own a Bakery...I'm around my downfall everyday. I struggle so bad. I even made my surgeons daughter's wedding cake! :/ Help! Where do I begin, what do I do? I feel like I've forgotten how to eat properly...maybe my band is in fact too full? Can anyone offer insight? And I'm not looking for tough love here, so please don't comment like a know it all who is successful because I've seen too many people on here looking for help and other people judging them and tearing them down. This is why I left this forum many months ago and I have struggled to even write this post...but here I am. It's become that bad.

[B-52 7,113]

As a rule I do not believe in telling people what they should or should not do....but what I do is to try to compare your experiences to mine and speak as to what I have experienced....

You say your band is super tight in the morning...so is mine, has been that way for a long time..I just accept it. And if your band is tight in the morning as mine is, then you know it is there doing something....

You say it opens up as the day goes on...I get it, mine does too...enabling me to eat easier...but it still does not let me over eat, or eat the wrong foods, or too fast.....if I did I would get as you describe "Stuck" and "Choking...nearly vomiting"

It sounds as if your band is working fine...but you are fighting it...not listening to the signs...forcing food when you should have stopped...

Is that uncontrollable hunger - cravings brought on by stress? Emotional eating even though you're not hungry? And yet the band is still trying to do it's job?

Kind of reminds me when I was kicking addictions....but I wasn't banded...that would not have been pretty.

I have an idea as to what would work, but it's not my place...speak with your Dr. about maybe too much anxiety....

[Maddy1 55]

Know something of what you're experiencing because I have been there too. I spent a lot of time soul searching, writing on here, and getting support back. Lots of people have gotten off track like we have but have been able to get back on track, as I am doing as well. Can you get a weekend away to pull yourself together and get off the roller coaster? Can you maybe just decide one positive thing you try to do for yourself every day? Maybe its only one meal to work on, or one exercise session. Take it one meal and one day at a time. Draw courage from the times you do well and forgive yourself when you don't. Every day is a new opportunity to take care of yourself. Good luck. If you want a buddy in the process, feel free to contact me.

[♕ajtexas♕ 3,771]

Ok first, just breath. Relax. You have had a lot of s h it to deal with and you got off track. That's ok. it happens. B-52 is right. listen to your band. It is working the way it is supposed to. Focus on that. The key is when you do get hungry you eat the right foods, PROTEIN!

You can do this!!!

[mrsto 2,925]

I feel for you.....I really do. Band or no band, the propensity to return to old habits is always there. As well as I've done over the last six & a half months, I never delude myself in thinking that old habits won't return.

Have you been in to see your doctor? Maybe an appointment with the nutritionist would help get you back on track? Possibly a therapist to help you deal with everything on your plate (no pun intended). I really wish that I had some pearls of wisdom for you, but the reality is (as you already know), that this is a mental thing; your head has to be in the right place.

I think that the first place to start, is an appointment with your surgeon. Tell him/her what you're going through, and take the next step after that. Self sabotage is one of the strongest dynamics we deal with. Whatever it takes to reel this in, try & do it. Wish I had a magic wand. Been through it so many times, and banded or not, fear that it will return for me as well. But just because you've slipped, doesn't mean all is lost. Try & focus on all of your success, and keep a positive mind that you deserve every bit of it!

I wish you ALL the best.

[Bandista 7,466]

You're here, you're ready -- be sure to pat yourself on the back for surviving catastrophe, for your initial decision to be banded and getting that first chunk off -- and know that stress is stress, even "good" stress. Choose yourself now.

[ChicagoRose 650]

Congrats, you took the first step, you spoke up and admitted you have a problem!

It's never too late to start over. You also cannot start over too many times. You have been through a tradgedy and it derailed you. You are human. But the band is still inside of you and ready to rock it.

Go see your surgeon and lay it all out there. I think some people who are banded think that the tighter the better the weight loss but I don't personally believe that's the case. Being too tight makes people start eating a slider diet to compensate, and when you feel shitty you only want more comfort food. I am only filled 2.5 in a 10cc band and to be honest I don't want another fill even though I'm not super tight. One pound a week wins the race. Sign up for myfitnesspal.com and start tracking your choices. You will be amazed how you can still eat <gasp> baked goods and still lose weight. Maybe not like before, but enough to make you happy and still make progress.

Keep posting on here. Read other people's posts and questions. Respond or don't. Every minute you spend in the band community is a minute well spent.

Good luck =)

[5.0junkie 770]

Never ever be ashamed to see your doctor. They have seen it all and you are not the first person to go into the docs office with their head down and tail between the legs. See your doc and let them help you. Maybe you need to adjust your fill rate to help you feel better in the mornings and keep you motivated during the day. As far as this forum and its post go I will agree with you. I have read several post where people are very critical of others and their failures. From what I have read though its the people that come on here and say the band sucks or society won't allow them to lose or they do everything absolutely wrong and expect results, those are the people that get criticized and spoken to in a harsh matter. If you own you issues and admit failure, there is no other place in the world that will give you more support than this forum. Bash the band however and you will feel the wrath. So, good luck to you. You were motivated and ecstatic at one time and you can find that motivation again. See your doc and get involved on here. Tomorrow is no place to place your better days. Start over today and let all these wonderful people help you on your born again journey.

[A New New Dawn 1,695]

Can I recommend a few things? In the a.m. try having a Protein Drink or I make oatmeal w egg whites that goes down well and keeps me full. I, too, was doing well then fell off course. A few things that helped me is cooking a few big meals and portioning them into 1 cup containers so I have healthy and portioned dinners always ready and I don't have to cook all the time. I also keep chopped onions, peppers, ham, etc in baggies in freezer and it helps me throw together egg white omlets, etc in a snap. If you can prepare meals and Snacks it will help tremendously. You're getting stuck probably from eating too fast or too big of bites. Slowing down and really chewing should help that. Best wishes to you. You only fail if you give up. You can turn this around.

[B-52 7,113]

Being too tight makes people start eating a slider diet to compensate, and when you feel shitty you only want more comfort food.

How can you make a definitive statement like that? You know this is fact, how?

it is not about a tight band to eat less....people who say that do not fully understand what being i the Green Zone is like.....

It's about being properly adjusted, finding that "Perfect Sweet Spot" so your portions are under control, AND you have no hunger, meaning you have no desire to cheat with slider foods, no reason to compensate in the first place........something dieting alone could never do...that's why I had SURGERY....and I feel GREAT! Not shitty!

I can say this definitively because that is how it works for me...I have no hunger, 24/7...no desire to have cravings.....and very little interest in food altogether...

I have not been stuck in over 2 years....once I learned to live by the rules needed to co-exist with the band.

[lisacaron 5,075]

It's our emotional stuff that gets in the way of the band. Sometimes we let our head our minds over rule the tool we have in the band.

Even in the green zone, when troubles rise, stress and anxiety come around it's easier to fall back on the old habit of what we know. It's been ingrained in our psyche for a long long time, and it's going to take time for us to get our head around the band. Just because we put it around our stomach doesn't mean our minds have been captured by it.

You may not "need" the food that you choose, but your mind makes it a NEED. It's not going to sustain your body, it might be pure sugar and nothing else but your mind and the way you think and feel about that food becomes greater then the subtle whisper of the band that tells you "no you don't need that."

I know for myself when I am so overwhelmed by stress, even the positive kind where things are going amazing I have to battle my emotional need to eat something familiar and comforting. It could be that cheese danish or crumb cake, that brings back all the memories and gives me the feelings of being a little girl who was safe, secure, accepted, and cherished. It takes me back to a time that was simple and not full of such turmoil, a time where people were not looking to me to help them solve their problems, advise them on the steps to take or to plan their events. Where I wasn't responsible for the lives of others, I was just me, a part of family not the head of one.

All those emotions and feelings come to the surface in the blink of an eye, in a breath I am craving that feeling again. I know that eating the danish is not going to bring me back there. It's not going to rewind my life, or erase all that I have to do or all that I am responsible for. Yet..in that moment as I lift it to my lips to take a bite...I'm transported to where I want to be in my mind.

It's an escape, and I'm a sweetie. I love the cakes, the chocolate, the Cookies and pastries, and all the things that remind me that life is sweet and life is good. I don't drink, smoke or take drugs. I eat.

That is my addiction. I fight it every day as much as any other addiction that is out there, and this one is so much more difficult because I must eat to live. So I battle with my head every time I make a choice of what I am going to put in my mouth. Sometimes I justify and then later berate myself, but I am learning NOT to do that. To battle the emotions and the food that is tied to them as they come up. Some I have been more successful at squelching then others.

It's a state of mind, not the food itself. I know this, and I am working diligently to strip those ingrained emotions and habits and get back to the frame work that is me. Rebuilding and re sculpting in the image that I choose to embody and reflect outward to the world.

Thanks for letting me share my thoughts, as I strive along side you all to do the best and be the best me I can be.