What to tell your kids?

[ccjll 177]

My surgery date is next Wednesday, Oct. 23rd and I'm wondering how you all have handled telling your kids? It's no secret how I've struggled with my weight over the last few years. I have two daughters 10 & 11 who are perfect, the older a ballerina who is just beginning those middle school years and just got her period - needless to say roller coaster of emotions lately.

I'm naturally a very open and honest person - but I'm worried on both ends if I tell them or don't them the truth - they will know something is up with my recovery and I've already been told I'll spend the night in the hospital - I gotta tell them something.

Any advise out there???

[MandaMom23 684]

I'm not a very open person in general, but it was important to me to be honest with my kids. I have 3 daughters ages 10. 9, and 7. They're young, so I just told them that I was going to have a surgery to help me better my life, and get me healthy. I told them how my life would change, and how it would be good not only for me, but for them. I couldn't wait to be able to sit on the floor without my legs going numb, and worrying about whether or not I could get back up. Or running after them at the park. They didn't have much to say in response, and I'm not sure how much they really understand, but I'm happy I told them and if they have questions I'll be here to answer them.

[GuyMontag 1,264]

I didn't hide my decision from anyone so it's been great not worrying about who does or doesn't know.

[GoingforGoal 1,734]

When I had my surgery 4 years ago, my oldest was only 6 and I felt he was too young to fully comprehend the whats and whys. Rather instead, I fully emphasized the importance of health and used myself and their father as prime examples of the complications of what poor eating renders. Fastforward 4 years I just had cosmetic surgery and my now 10 year old is a super cerebral mature kid and I just told him, I am repairing all the damage I've done to my body from being overweight. I explained things like skin elasticity plus other topics on a 10+ yo level and he got it and supported me. But the one thing you cant overlook is their natural anxiety that mommy/daddy is going into surgery. They will worry, so my focus would be more on reassurance and telling them it'll be fine. Focus on the near future like, when mommy gets home I may need your help for a few weeks can you do that? It helps ease their minds. You may even give them a task. I know lb is a one day deal, but cs Im away from the kids for 2 weeks, so I gave them small tasks to do to prepare the house for when I arrive. This was strictly to keep thier minds preoccupied not to really put them to work ahahha. I called before and immediately after surgery and now life seems to be back to normal.

One of the funny things is that since you live w/ your kids they may not even appreciate all teh future wl. I remember pulling out my biggest size jeans adn said, hey kids wanna see how much I lost. I put them on (one leg) and they were floored. I was so proud, but more importantly I could see their pride. That's when I knew, it was all worth it!

[ChicagoRose 650]

My kids were 7 and 5 and both know I had "belly surgery" to lose weight because I wasn't living a healthy life and needed help to be able to run and bounce and live the life I wanted with them. of course they don't really comprehend the big picture, but I just told them matter-of-factly about it, so it was no big deal to them. I also told their teachers, again, matter-of-factly in case they brought it up at school so it wouldn't be the awkwardness of it all. It is what it is. I have a lap-band. If there were an emergency my kids need to know I have a lap-band. Everyone is different but I am honest with everyone and I think kids can handle way more than we give them credit for!! Good luck!!

[DELETE THIS ACCOUNT! 12,703]

My kids were 9 and 17 when I had my Lap Band surgery. I was totally honest with them about it and I'm glad I was. I told them I was having surgery to help me lose weight so I could be a better mom to them and be alive long enough to see them both grow up.

Through this whole journey, they've been a part of it rather than confused spectators. They know my eating habits, they know what foods I gravitate to and which ones I stay away from, and even know from my expression if I'm stuck. I've brought them to my doctor's appointments with me as well, in fact they've even watched me get a fill.

Just my opinion, but I think honesty is best. Kids are smart and they deserve the truth.

[lisacaron 5,075]

I understand the challenge that you have in letting your girls know that you are going in for WLS. They are at a delicate and impressionable age, where their own body image is being formed as they grow and start to develop those girly curves.

You want to help keep their self esteem and acceptance of their own body image high, and hearing that Mom is going to for WLS could shift that perception for them if they don't understand fully.

If you are going to share with your daughters, my advice would be to be as honest and straight forward as possible. Explain to them it is not a vanity thing, and you are not going to this extreme because you don't like who you are or how you look.

Let them know that this is not a "short cut" to looking and feeling better, but that it is a commitment to your life, your health and your future. Give them all the information they need to understand the journey you are about to undertake, and answer any questions they might have for you along the way with as much clarity and positivity as possible.

I wish you all the best in your journey!

[SashaWLS 412]

Based on your comments, I hear that you're concerned about what behavior you will be modeling for them, and what conclusions they will draw from it. So I think if you come at the conversation from that standpoint, you'll be fine talking to them about anything!!!

Here are some positive things you might think about reinforcing:

- You have taken every action to make sure you do this safely. You're not taking risks with their mom.

- You think they're mature enough now to be included in hearing about adult decisions.

- You're in control of your life, and you're taking action to make it better.

- None of us are ever finished working on ourselves, and we have to constantly take actions in small and sometimes big ways so we can be proud of ourselves.

One thing I want to note from your post though, is that they are not perfect... I know you didn't mean it literally, but the surgery doesn't have to be a value judgement of one's success or failure, so I don't think you have to worry about reassuring them about their own bodies. And in fact, it might be better not to make any connection to them at all. They're not going to stay the same as they grow, they'll go through skinny periods, fat periods, high-energy periods, whatever... But it's not about you... In fact, nothing YOU do is an indication of what will or will not happen to THEM. They are in control of their own future. As you are in control of yours.

Good luck!!!!

[GoingforGoal 1,734]

OH nonononon I have to disagree in part with Sasha

First, children are perfect. Naturally it doesn't mean they won't do wrong, fail, or not listen to their parents (snicker) but nontheless, still perfect.

But I wanted to comment on the other comment that nothing we do is an indication of what will/will not happen to them. Absolutely not. Modeling has everything to do with building the foundation for what your children will adopt for themselves and build off of. Examples include the obese parent who never speaks to health, feeds their children into their own obesity and than sits there and makes the child accountable for the result. Same with the uber paris thin mom who won't allow their child to ever eat a cupcake making them ocd about weight issues as early as a toddler years.

Having been overweight my entire life (thanks mom and dad), I swore I would never allow my kids to become obese. Yes, this is a choice. Through teaching them through moderation, giving them awareness to nutrition and health, and promoting healthy activity my children grew up 'normal'. Don't get me wrong, I don't heckle them when there's a pinch of fat. I'm talking extremes, like the 100 lb toddler eating McDs because mom eats that way and can't ever say no to her child. My efforts yielded the opposite results that my parents got with me because I would never allow my children to suffer through obesity like I did, alone. Yes, ultimately they make their own decisions, but a life time of habitual choices typically yield better choices and not careless ones that allow them to self destruct and become obese just for kicks. Education is paramount and sharing your knowledge, even your experiences will imprint on them the true reality of obesity and how it's best to avoid it.

Plesae do not respond with an extreme knee jerk response like our kids will become anorexic. I am limiting this to a paragraph to illustrate that reinforcing, supporting, educating and guiding your children will allow themto have the best futures for themselves

[Bandista 7,466]

Lisa and Sasha -- beautifully said!

Know that you will let them know in just the right way and they will be proud of you. I agree that it's about you, not a reflection on their own bodies. I have been struggling with this issue of telling as well. Our 18-year old son has already been through so much anxiety about his father, who has had major issues resulting from a car accident many years ago. Last year he was in the hospital for 17 days getting his spine rebuilt and prior to that when we were seeking out a surgeon it was pretty dicey around here.

I am committed to telling our son because I want him to always come to us with anything going on in his own life. We are all together for the ups and downs and it's important to keep the communication lines open both ways. I'm trying not to let it be a dramatic event in our lives. He will encounter so many people in his life who have weight issues and I think it's important that he knows the decision is not an easy way out but it's a tool I need to get healthy.

I have told him I'm going in for an overnight for a procedure on November 5th. When he didn't ask what for, I didn't volunteer further information. I will let it percolate for a while and as the date draws closer we'll talk some more. I don't want him worrying about me and I don't want him caught off guard either -- a careful balance.

Good luck with your surgery next week and with this decision for a healthy future. I hope you have a good week getting prepared mentally and not stressing; you're going to do beautifully. Best wishes!

[SashaWLS 412]

But I wanted to comment on the other comment that nothing we do is an indication of what will/will not happen to them. Absolutely not. Modeling has everything to do with building the foundation for what your children will adopt for themselves and build off of.

Hazel, we're in total agreement!!!

To be clear, I was speaking to the child's FEAR, not the reality of modeling and action... Kids with overweight parents fear that it's a pre-determined fact that they will be fat just because mommy or daddy is. If my dad's overweight and I identify with him, then it must be a given that I will be fat too. It can feel fatalistic, like it's a done deal.

When the original poster said her kids were perfect (by that I inferred she meant thin) it concerned me that she might be setting up a Good vs Bad judgement... My point was that she should keep HER experience her own, and not conflate it with that of her kids. They do have a choice. And they will have their own experience. And if they ever gain weight, that doesn't mean they're "bad"!

Additionally, I've seen people use their own weight loss surgery as an opportunity to make themselves feel better by preaching how great they are for having found the solution or have all the answers... And while I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT think ccjll was doing that in her post, I think it's important that we all stay humble, especially when beginning to make big changes in our lives.

[GoingforGoal 1,734]

Hazel, we're in total agreement!!!

To be clear, I was speaking to the child's FEAR, not the reality of modeling and action... Kids with overweight parents fear that it's a pre-determined fact that they will be fat just because mommy or daddy is. If my dad's overweight and I identify with him, then it must be a given that I will be fat too. It can feel fatalistic, like it's a done deal.

When the original poster said her kids were perfect (by that I inferred she meant thin) it concerned me that she might be setting up a Good vs Bad judgement... My point was that she should keep HER experience her own, and not conflate it with that of her kids. They do have a choice. And they will have their own experience. And if they ever gain weight, that doesn't mean they're "bad"!

Additionally, I've seen people use their own weight loss surgery as an opportunity to make themselves feel better by preaching how great they are for having found the solution! And while I ABSOLUTELY don't think ccjll was doing that in her post, I think it's important that we all stay humble.

Hugs Gotcha

We usually are on the same page

[Sharpie 3,306]

The short answer to your question is.. be as honest as you can with your kids.. don't get too graphic and don't go into a long boring speech.. they will zone out on you... keep it simple... my life's motto..

My grandkids knew and they are totally supportive.. They all know I can't drink while eating, use straws and I don't eat fast food... it works for me...

[ccjll 177]

Thanks everyone for your input and advise, it's definitely helped - I'm honest and open so I shouldn't change who I am - I'll keep it simple and to the point over dinner tonight. I feel better already.

Ouch on the Perfect comment - didn't mean that they are thin by writing that - meant that they are good, healthy, active kids who know right from wrong and strive to do their best in all that they do... perfect from my perspective

I get it and I appreciate the candor.

[jamilyne 102668 1,207]

I told my kids. My 8 year old little girl keeps asking when will I have an after picture - lol. I told her I don't have an after picture because it's not after yet - lol.

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