Question, Please read!

[hotpink_bubbles 0]

So im talking to my boyfriend online, and we are discussing things. I told him, that my surgery is only 2 weeks away, and that from now on, until i heal from having the surgery, the only thing i can worry about is myself. For once in my life, im worry about myself and no one else. Im not going to worry about him, or my parents, or friends or anyone else, but myself during this time. He doesnt seem to understand that. Am i wrong for saying that im only going to worry about myself during this time. I dont really think the added stress of worry about other people would help me at all. The stress of the surgery is enough, dont you think? Im just wondering what your opinions are on this, am i wrong for saying i can only worry about myself.....or am i being selfish? Lay it on me people, i need responses on this one.....Thanks.

~Hotpink~

[5jacks 0]

I have a family (DH and 3DS's) am on the little league football board, help with school functions, PTA, you name it! This January I quit all of it except for being the room mother for one of them. Told the football board this was my year to focus on myself and re-learn all eating/living habits. They totally understood and are supporting me 100%. Don't get me wrong, I'll be there if they need me. I explained it to them like this......instead of being into everything up to my neck, I'm going to get in up to my ankles!!! In my opinion, if a family member or friend truly has your best interest at heart they will understand that you need to focus on making yourself healthy and happy. If they don't understand that then they are the one's being selfish.

[shues138 35]

First of all, congratulations on your surgery! I had mine on 1/26/07 and have lost 37 lbs, it feels great!

Second of all, guess what? This is YOUR time to be thinking about number one, which is YOU! Don't listen to your boyfriend, friends, bosses and even family. Keep your chin up and keep yourself healthy! Don't hurt yourself physically or mentally for someone else. Trust me, I know!

Keep your chin up, and if you need someone to talk to, we are all here for you on this board!!!!

[faithmd 14]

Congrats on having a date!!!

I'm sort of confused...I'm not quite sure what you want us to say? I agree that you do need to concentrate on your own needs for right now and until you heal, but on the other hand, I don't think that means you have to be in a cocoon.

I guess I don't understand why this is even an issue? One would think that naturally your parents and your boyfriend would be focused on you right now and be very supportive during this time. If this is not the case in your life, and if your parents and boyfriend say that they won't be there for you, then you need to separate yourself from that caustic situation. Are they saying that you shouldn't be doing this? Again, I'm flummoxed as to what you are saying in your post (could be my lack of sleep). I'm not sure what you mean by for once in your life you're thinking about you. Since I don't know your situation, I can't really offer too much advice, other than to say that you do need to take care of you right now.

If your boyfriend doesn't understand that you will be having surgery, and will be undergoing a pretty big life change, then you need to seriously re-evaluate your relationship. After all, you are only 20 (by your age on your profile) years old and should have more relationships before thinking of settling down with someone permanently.

I'd be happy to write more if you don't mind clarifying your post. We're all here to support each other!m:clap2:

[hotpink_bubbles 0]

I mean that i always think about and worry about other people, and how they are doing, and what they are doing, and if they are ok. I told him that i need to worry about me right now because he told me he was stressed about his job and school and paying off bills and what not, and i said im sorry but i just cant let that stress me out right now i have enough stress with my surgery coming up and i need to worry about ME for once not others. Its about me right now, not him, not my parents, just me. My parents are there 100% and i think they and my boyfriend know its a big change, they just arent acting like it. They are kinda acting like, oh your having surrgery, and im freaking out, trying not to let their issues get in my way of taking care of myself. If any of this makes sense. Its as simple as, im worry about me, not joe blow and how he is doing. Thanks for all the replies, i greatly appreciate it.

~Hotpink~

[faithmd 14]

I mean that i always think about and worry about other people, and how they are doing, and what they are doing, and if they are ok. I told him that i need to worry about me right now because he told me he was stressed about his job and school and paying off bills and what not, and i said im sorry but i just cant let that stress me out right now i have enough stress with my surgery coming up and i need to worry about ME for once not others. Its about me right now, not him, not my parents, just me. My parents are there 100% and i think they and my boyfriend know its a big change, they just arent acting like it. They are kinda acting like, oh your having surrgery, and im freaking out, trying not to let their issues get in my way of taking care of myself. If any of this makes sense. Its as simple as, im worry about me, not joe blow and how he is doing. Thanks for all the replies, i greatly appreciate it.

~Hotpink~

First, try to relax as best you can. Try not to freak out too much, it will all work out.

Second, I agree with you 100%, tell him that you hear he's got problems (who doesn't?), and you're happy to listen to him, but you cannot and will not let that get you down right now and you will not let his issues drag you down. If he can't accept that, then tell him you cannot hear about his problems right now. You just need him to be there for you. If he can't do that, then you'll have to cross that bridge when you come to it, because how someone reacts under stress says alot about their character and ability to handle relationships.

Hope this helps. You must take care of you!

[lizrbit 0]

Wait! i didnt get to put my two cents in...

I agree with you, that right now you have to focus on you and you cant be burdened with other peoples stuff right now...but you know its a two way street....

and you gotta be prepared for that. I dont know when selfish got to be a bad word.

[Kat817 19]

I agree that this is time for you. I also feel that by being forced to SAY that to your b/f and family, that you are in a roundabout way asking for them to support you, and help take care of you. Which is all good, it is what they should want to be doing! I worry that you having to force the issue indicates, that them being there for you is the issue. That would be too bad.

I also know that it is one thing to say "I quit" and another to follow through with it!!! You do need to scale back the little things, and take time for focusing on you. But I think you might get a better reaction from them if you just worded it differently to them. Like 5jacks said---cut out all but the basics. But telling them you will not worry about them---is likely to make them feel like they won't worry about you either then! A simple explanation to them, about what you are going to be going through, and that for instance--- you would appreciate if Dad could get someone else to drive him to the Dr. each week, BUT if the Dr. has bad news you WILL be there, without a doubt! Because I know this surgery is for you---but your family is still important! The boyfriend, I don't know, he is an unknown, but unless your family is extremely dysfunctional, they don't deserve to be cast off---they deserve an explanation of WHY you say you will not be worrying about them.

And while preparing for surgery is stressful, it is not something that takes 24 hours a day of concentrating and preparing for---what are you going to do...lie in a dark room and meditate over the surgery? Maybe doing things with other people, and things you enjoy, would take your mind off of "stressing" over so much. I was excited and nervous---and I guess you could consider it stress---but staying busy, and talking over what I was going to do did more for me than cutting myself off from those that love me, and were worried for me too.

Maybe I just need more background on the dynamics of your family---this is just a shot in the dark.

Good Luck on your surgery!

Kat

[Sin 0]

For all of you that think im "Unsupportive" you're wrong. I think whats being said is a little hazed. As you probably dont know, me and my girlfriend live about 4 hours apart, i live with my dad, and her with her parents. I've been trying to be as supportive as a person can while being 4 hours the person they're trying to support. I've joined this board to learn all i can about the procedure, and what happens next. I've been making sure that she's been preparing for her surgery, eating the right kinds of foods, has a good exercise plan for after she starts feeling up to being able to exercise. I know im not the greatest guy in the world, i have my defects. But im not some guy that just doesnt care either. I try to be supportave and attentive. I like to talk to her about her surgery, to make sure everything is ok, and that she feels ok about it. I dont want her to feel pressured into it because she might think i'll love her more as a skinnier person. But i've said it before, and i'll say it again, i'll love her in and shape or form. She's super hot, why would i want her to change? The only reason i want her to have the surgery is so she can live a fuller, healthier life. I'm not saying that i brought up the issue of getting a lapband, i just read up on it so i knew if it was a heavy risk. If it was i wouldnt have wanted her to do it. But it seemed pretty straight forward of how it went so i didnt see anything wrong with getting it, if it would make her happy.

I try to make her happy everyday, i know that im not happy happy all the time, and i can get down sometimes because of all the stuff that happens with me. Like work, school, bills, and stuff like that. but i try to never take it out on her.

The way that this conversation got started is that we were talking about me coming up there for her surgery. Well it turns out that her family is going down to her aunts (which is where her family picks me up from be cause her aunts house is halfway from my house to her house) and then go to her house. But the thing was that her mom and dad were coming down there on a friday, and i wasnt going to be able to take off of work until the following sunday. Then we talked for a little bit, and she was worried that i might not be able to come there. And she said i could just go all the way there instead of going to her aunts house, which was fine by me, but i still had to ask my dad. The thing that threw me off was when she said "i cant, and i wont let you getting here or not getting here stress me out before im about to go into surgery" And i didnt mean to get her stressed about that. I told her that i've been stressed, and she asked me what about, and i listed the problems that i was having, with work and everything else which was listed above. Thats how the conversation got started.

Its not that i was unsupportive it was that the comment made me think that she didnt care if i was there or not. which made me feel bad, but now i know thats not the case. We've since then made up, or so i think lol. I love her more then anything, and i'll support her through anything, and i'll be there by her side through anything. She is the beautifulest girl i've ever known, inside and out, and it would be an act of blasphemy to let such and angel out of my life.

[faithmd 14]

Sin, Thank you for coming on and clarifying the context. As I said in my first post to your GF I wasn't sure what to say back to her because I needed clarification as to what she really meant the conversation was about. I generalized a response and gave an instance in which I would think that response to be true.

This is a classic case of two sides to the story and not enough info given (which is fine, considering no one has to tell their business if they don't want to ).

Goodonya for being there for Hotpink_bubbles and for saying the things you have, you sound like you are serious about wanting to be supportive for her and you are doing a lot of research about this. That's more than my DH is doing right now. Perhaps he will when it gets closer to the date (I'm not scheduled yet) as you have. I can hope. But my DH is the type who lets me research and then tell him what I've found.

Sin, you are right, no one is happy happy happy all the time, we all have our issues, and I'm assuming (from the tone of HPB's original post and another I read from her) that she's just really freaking out right now and is hypersensitive about everything. Things may get blown out of proportion at this point in time. It sounds like you are trying to keep the peace and let her know you want to be there, and that's the right thing to do.

Best wishes to both of you and I can't wait to hear how well her surgery went!

[Kat817 19]

Glad to hear you chime in Sin, we were left with a whole different idea of what hotpink was facing. I still fully believe she approached the need for support in a harsh manner. Part of the reason is I am sure, as she stated---stress. She will be glad of your support, it is so helpful, as we go through the surgery and the recovery. The surgery for me was an easy one, but there is an emotional recovery, that is something altogether different, that I was not expecting. I had went out and bought all the Protein, and heating pad, and the "things"....but I had not prepared for the emotional withdrawal from eating. It was a struggle for a few days---and one I was glad I had a loving husband who was willing to put up with my major grouchy a$$!!!

You two hang in there---and while this is not lap band related....the Mom in me has to say it. Your relationship will be full of ups and downs until you find a way to communicate, and WANT to put the other first. There is a huge importance of caring for yourself---but when the relationship is a good one---you seldom have to worry about taking care of yourself first, you know your mate is doing that. As silly as it sounds that is how I knew my DD's marriage was on the rocks. We were all on a trip to a nephews wedding, and we had stopped at a convenience store, and we each bought an assortment of Snacks. When we come back to the car...my DH knew what I preferred of what I bought, and you could not have forced him to eat it! He would have made sure I got it. On the other hand, when the DD and her husband reached for snacks, he saw her pick up a bag of snack mix, he snatched it, and ate it---never even offering her any, all the while knowing she had wanted it. He had never put her first I realized then and there, over a bag of snacks. If you cannot trust the other person to think of you in that manner---then there are problems. I am not saying that you two have that as a problem, stress does make us act in un natural ways. Just reminding the two of you---if you love one another---just don't forget to act like it.

Glad you posted to clarify what was happening. I hope you make it for her surgery, for both your sakes. Good Luck!

Kat

[Marimaru 7]

It's really great to see both sides of the story, and I think it's really awesome, Sin, that you joined this board to find out more about your girlfriend's surgery!

Hotpink, your original post struck something with me that I wanted to share. You say you are always putting everyone else first, and now is the time to put yourself first. I agree with you completely, but I've had a bit of a difficult time with this myself. I've had more arguments with people in my family since my surgery since I probably ever have. It's not that they aren't support (they are SUPER supportive), but on the one hand, I've never really stood up for myself, so I'm not that great at it and sometimes it doesn't come out right, and on the other hand, my family doesn't expect me to talk back!!

I'm in a situation with one member of my family right now that is quite manipulative, and I thought he was trying to kind of start a fight, but my sister made me realize the other day that he doesn't expect a fight at all. He expects me to cave on the subject and not offer any resistance at all!! It's not going to end well, lol.

I don't want you to think I'm telling you not to stand up for yourself, it's the opposite. I just want you to be ready for kind of a 'transition' period, because people aren't going to be expecting it, and it'll be hard to stay strong for youself! *hugs*

[hotpink_bubbles 0]

You know, I really dont appreciate him writing on here and saying that. Because then it makes me look like a liar, and that im making him out to be some mean horrible person who doesnt care about me. If you could see the conversation, you would know what was said, and why i said what i said. Things arent very good between us and havent been for quite awhile. And now because of this, because he came on here, and had to add his 2 cents worth, im looking like a liar. Obviously my side wasnt believed, until good ole sin came in to tell the truth. No he didnt join this board to look up stuff. He only comes on this board, when im on it, to check and see what im up to, because he doesnt trust me. He has hardly ever read, let alone replied to anything on this board, that is BAND RELATED. If you go look at his posts, maybe 3 of them, are band related. The others are not. So please do not sit there and think that he is coming on here because he cares and wants to be supportive. I had my final surgical appointment last week. I found out the time of my surgery and all of that, he knew about that appointment and what it was for. Do you think he has bothered to ask what time it is or any of that? Has he asked me once how im feeling about it? If im getting nervous? Has he checked to make sure im doing wht im suppose to? NO he has not asked any of that. Nor done any of that. So before anyone jumpes and thinks that im making him out to be something he isnt. Get the whole story. If he says he has asked about anything or tried to do anything, he is lying. Which wouldnt be the first time he has lied to me. Lets just leave it at that. Im not trying to be mean, or yell at any of you. This is between me and him now. And iw ould like to leave it that way. Thank you.

~Hotpink~

[Kat817 19]

Oh Honey, your post says it all-----re-read it and I believe you will see your own answer, and quite possibly the root of much of your stress.

You can and will make the right decision---it is just like I tried to say to him---true love puts the other first, and you can be confortable knowing you will be first. You deserve that. Plain and simple!

I see a new HotPink Bubbles about to emerge in more ways than one!

Anger is to be expected, and we are all adults, and can see frustration working its way out---it's ok!!!

Kat

[hotpink_bubbles 0]

Damn right frustration is working its way out. It pisses me off that he gets on here, and acts like he has been asking me about it, and checking up on me, and asking me how i feel abotu this whole life changing thing. He hasnt done shit like that. NOTHING. Yet he comes on here, and says he has. Im sick of the lies. Im sick of feeling like he doesnt give a shit about me or what happens to me, because he just doesnt act like it at all. How the hell can he care about my surgery, if he doesnt even act like he cares about me. All the stuff he has said on here, I have never heard. NEVER. Not once. Im so sick of it. Its about ME now. Not him. Its always been about him. I have kissed his ass all along. He doesnt even bother to ask how im doing, if ive gotten the stuf fi need, how i feel nothing. He doesnt ask that. If someone really cared about me and the surgery. They would actually ask it. Not come on a board, that i NEED for support during this time, and say that he has done all that when he hasnt, and make me look like a liar. Who does that. Im really pissed off right now about all of this. My original post wasnt even really about him, what he said made me start thinking, that i need to worry about myself now, and i was asking if it was wrong to worry about myself and not others, that was the question. It wasnt about him. But obviously you can see it has been made out to be about him hasnt it? Yeah so now maybe you all can see what im dealing with. Im really mad right now, I cant write anymore. I need to take a breather.

~Hotpink~