Unsupportive Family

[blapstev 9]

My sixth weigh-in is this week, so my surgery is quickly approaching! My family has already make rude comments like this procedure is unnatural, I will re-gain my weight , they'd rather be fat than have excess skin, etc.

I am not one of those people that need to be coddled through this entire process; however, I will not take too much from then. Sabotage is expected, especially when you're surrounded by people bigger than you..

I would hope that if I remain humble and not try to act like a fitness coach that they'd be happy for me.. If not, I'll just wash my hands of them.. I don't need that

I'm debating on telling everyone that I've changed my mind and that I in fact am not having the surgery anymore. Of course I'll still have the procedure and do my best to hide it from them.. Good idea or no?

Would you guys tell your family if you could all over again?

Thanks,

Blake

[slowtogo 301]

Tell them politely to shove it. This is about YOUR health.

I didn't tell many people. And didn't regret the decision but I wouldn't lie.

[TurnThePage 220]

Sorry that their self-interest exceeds their support and concern for you.

I would just say, "Thanks, I've made my decision." Period. Then make yourself scarce. People can't argue with you if you won't engage or be baited. I don't think that I'd deny it because the lie will soon become obvious. If you are old enough to sign the surgery forms and pay for it, you are old enough to make decisions for your own health. Good for you for taking control of your health and your life. Meeting your nutritional requirements after surgery is not easy, but it beats lugging around all those pounds and developing a list of other problems. I hope you will be as thrilled with the results as I am with mine!

The statement that kills me is that the surgery is unnatural. Well, so are penicillin, the polio vaccine, coronary bypasses, appendix removals, etc., but they save millions of lives each year! Duh.

[oldoneyoungagain 200]

Well I actually don't have much family anymore, but if all were still with me, they could voice their opinion and I would listen. They would also know that I don't bow to any type of peer pressure whether it is family or friends. I'm not trying to lose the weight for them, it is my health, my decision, my life, not theirs. I try to control my own life and don't need anyone else trying to control it. I am a firm believer if someone is trying to control me, then they don't have control of themselves.

[mysecondchance 9]

I'm so sorry your family isn't supportive of your decision to get healthy. Have you asked them why they won't support your decision? I think they are just scared that you will be the skinny one in the family and then it will make the rest of them look bad. You have chosen to do the right thing for you and it's NOT really their choice so I wouldn't sweat it. We here on RNY talk can be your new supporting family if you'll let us. You can bounce anything off of us and we'll be here for you. You can email me any time if you want someone to talk to one on one at dviveiros56@gmail.com. Good luck with your surgery and wash your hands of the toxic people in your life.

[ElleG 394]

Hang in there! This is for YOU and no one else. I didn't tell anyone, just JESUS and I know and he won't judge me. Best Wishes!

[PLUUSGRL 13]

Im still pre-op and wondering who I can tell. Most people are so judgmental when it comes to gastric bypass. You would think they would be more worried about your health. I kind of think that some people feel safe being around the "fat" person in the room. It makes them feel better about themselves. When the "fat" person that they are with a lot is no longer fat they feel it forces people to look at their flaws, insecurities and health issues. I have told my husband and one friend at work of my decision to have surgery. This will probably be my only support group along with you guys on the forum. I would say tell who you feel will support you, but don't lie. If those who you have told don't support you and are negative don't let it get you down. Find support.elsewhere. Hope this helps.

[joy 13]

First of all everyone is going to have an opinion. Everyone is going to have a horror story to tell you.

I have learned to listen and smile. Say thank you for your thoughts and kill them with facts and how happy and proud I was to come to my decision. I researched for years and finally made the jump.

People that do this surgery do not wake up one morning and just decide get iv think I will give this a try. No we don't. We learn and ask ourselves hard questions. Like am I really ready to give up a lot of my freedom. Am I mentally ready.

People that have negative comments are usually jealous that you will be thin . They think your taking the easy road. .... hahahaha if they only knew.

Some will genuinely be worried. Those that are will educate themselves and support you.

You have made your decision. Stick with it. Remove the negative and concentrate on your positive.

As for who to tell. .. I only told a few close people that I trusted. Some positive feedback, some negative. The negative eventually saw me working hard and educated themselves on what I would be doing. They are now my biggest supporters. You will need a support system especially after the surgery. With no support yes you will most likely fail. You will need support at home and at work.

[terry1118 1,274]

Someone needs to know. If you have any problems or need help someone needs to recognize what's happening and be there for you.

My team requires a minimum of two support people in each place you spend a lot of time. For me that was home and work. At home I told my husband and one daughter (who was still living at home at the time) and two coworkers (my manager, who had the lap band, and a coworker who I'm very friendly with). There are many reasons to have these support people. In the first days you may need some help physically. Recovery, physical restrictions, learning how and what to eat, emotional changes, fears, and those first bad experiences from food (dumping, vomiting, food getting stuck) can be scary and you will need encouragement, support, and even comforting now and again. At work someone needs to know why you might need to disappear into a bathroom for an extended period of time (my third week back at work I had my first food 'stuck' experience and spent 2 hours in the rest room trying to throw up and waiting for it to pass) or need to take a walk (for me walking sometimes helps it pass quickly). Someone needs to know in case you have a medical emergency (unlikely, but possible).

That being said, other people could eventually find out. My daughter slipped up and told my mother-in-law. That resulted in a lot of strange comments and questions (she is VERY misinformed on many subjects and has strange ideas and opinions). At work the one and only person who is a nasty gossip eavesdropped on a private conversation between my manager and friend and started telling EVERYONE who would listen about my surgery and how I wanted to be 'sexy' for my husband (when saying this she'd do a bump and grind kind of dance). I don't know how the you-know-what came up with that one - I did it for my health). She was telling people I didn't know - people in our other branches and the back offices, and even customers! I found out she was blabbing when she told a sub from another branch in front of me. I was furious! I never told HER and she had no business giving out personal information about me to anyone! I reported the invasion of privacy to my manager and to HR and she was reprimanded (by several people) but the damage was done. Now everyone close to me knows (and most of the people at work :-p) and it's a non-issue.

So support is very helpful (I would say a necessity), but you possibly could get along without it depending on you and your circumstances. But be prepared for people to find out somehow.

[monola 19]

I understand why Star Jones kept referring to her weight loss as a medical intervention, which it is for most of us. Imagine the state of mind we are in now and then try and comprehend 20 million other people weighing in with their opinions about your decision.

[hottamale 27]

Wow, this really hits home for me. When I had my lap band I told only a select few at work. My son had the sleeve shortly after my band. He told everyone. He was a success story 325 to 180. Me, I felt guilty because I only lost about 25lbs and struggled the whole 4 years I had that thing. Now its gonna be different. I'm gonna tell the world and not hide it and if people don't like it they don't have to be around me.....I do wish you success and you are going to have to be comfortable in YOUR decision! Live your life with no regrets!!!

[DaveR 0]

Wow, I'm glad I found this thread. I thought I was the only one without family support. My wife and daughter are totally against this. My wife won't even go to any meetings or doctor visits with me. I have not made a surgery date yet but have had all my tests, etc. done. I am resigning the fact that I will go this alone. I get plenty of support from everyone else but not at home.

[PLUUSGRL 13]

Wow' date=' I'm glad I found this thread. I thought I was the only one without family support. My wife and daughter are totally against this. My wife won't even go to any meetings or doctor visits with me. I have not made a surgery date yet but have had all my tests, etc. done. I am resigning the fact that I will go this alone. I get plenty of support from everyone else but not at home.[/quote']

Im sorry to hear that you have no support at home. I pray that you and your wife come to some type of resolution or at least agree to disagree about surgery. While they may not agree with the surgery I pray that they allow their love for you to over shadow that so that you won't be alone on surgery day or for your recovery. I know it's hard and I hope it all works out for you

[slowtogo 301]

Wow' date=' I'm glad I found this thread. I thought I was the only one without family support. My wife and daughter are totally against this. My wife won't even go to any meetings or doctor visits with me. I have not made a surgery date yet but have had all my tests, etc. done. I am resigning the fact that I will go this alone. I get plenty of support from everyone else but not at home.[/quote']

Dave,

My spouse was against it as well. And we are now divorced. He couldn't handle no longer being the only good looking one in the relationship. (I think) you can do this without the support from home but for me it made me bitter.

[terry1118 1,274]

Wow' date=' I'm glad I found this thread. I thought I was the only one without family support. My wife and daughter are totally against this. My wife won't even go to any meetings or doctor visits with me. I have not made a surgery date yet but have had all my tests, etc. done. I am resigning the fact that I will go this alone. I get plenty of support from everyone else but not at home.[/quote']

Keep trying to get her to come to your appointments. My husband felt better after the nurse education class because they went into every tiny detail of before, during, and after surgery. They covered eating, complications, risk, success rates, how it works and why, and everything else. And he could ask questions. He still worried but had a better understanding of the whole process.