Prison

[whippledaddy 5]

Forty Three years ago, a nine year old boy was put in a prison of his own making.

It was that year that I started getting fat.

My prison bars were soft, and warm, and they grew in strength every year.

I tried to break out when I was 13. I tried to tunnel through my prison walls of fat with a 1000 calorie diet. But the security was too good, and the walls came back, thicker and stronger than ever.

I tried to escape numerous times since then. But to no avail. The closer I got to the outside world the farther I dropped back into the prison when I failed.

It's lonely in here. There are places I cannot go. The chairs don't fit. There are things I cannot do. Imagine taking a prison with you everywhere! I have to drag my prison around. Shopping, movies, up and down stairs.

I can see the beautiful world outside, I can smell the roses on the evening breeze. From my extra large La-Z-Boy. I can hear the laughter of the skinny and the free.

When you look at me don't see the prison, see the prisoner within. Stare into my eyes, you might just catch a glimpse. Inside, I'm thin, and young, and studly. No, nevermind. I see myself reflected in the windows at the bank. Confronted with my image, even I forget the little prisoner within.

Now, today, I got a date to go before the Parole Board. They'll put a band on my stomach, it'll ease me out of prison. If I do right I'll be free. If I do right I'll stay free. I want to do right. I want to be free.

Free of the stares, and the stairs. Free of the sideways glance in public. Free of the need to see if I'm really the fattest person in the room.

November 16, 2004. You seem so far away. Until then I'll dream of what I'll do as I earn my new freedom. I built this prison One Bar at a time, and that's how the walls will tumble.

Until then, I'll look out the bars, and wait, and wonder, and hope.

[sassaay 1]

Thank you for sharing. This is very touching and I can totally relate. Good luck with your journey. I wish you much success.

[Iluvharleys 15]

wOW, that is a tear jerker. I think you pretty much put into words what most of us have felt.

Betty

[Audrey 21]

I love your post - You write so well !

Thanks so much for sharing.

Aud x

[New Hope 37]

Yeah, Ryan, you have a surgery date!!!! Start drinking that Water and walking as much as you can. It will be here just in time for Thanksgiving. (Hmm, was that planned?)

[paula 4]

Ryan, you (honestly) have a real talent for writing! I even called my hubby to come read this one!

You are gonna do GREAT with the band... And just think, men ALWAYS lose faster (and more) then women do.

[GinnyWhite 0]

Thank you so much for your story mine too is one that sounds the same. You will do great.

299/275/130

Dr. Spegiel'

[La_madam 20]

Ryan you have such a way with words..thank you for sharing this post with us..I'm sure we all feel the way you do but can not express it the way you have. You're attitude and outlook are amazing. I wish you much success!

[hagerteresa 3]

Hi Ryan,

I can't wait for when your banded! You inspire us all with your words. I too love to write and wrote poetry all thru my school years. I actually got one published in one of the annual local childrens books when I was in middle school. I too grew up heavy and tried anything to get rid of it. I've mentioned before on another thread about having sold my horse at 16 to have my teeth wired shut for a year, etc. I always wished I had the bulimic or anorexic thing. Oh-well weight is coming off fabulously with the band and I am happy now. I just discovered I could do a whole flight of stairs the other day and not be winded at the top. Once again, can't wait for you to join the banded experience. Best wishes, Teresa

[whippledaddy 5]

Thanks for all the kind words and support guys. I must admit, I'm kind of geeked, and I like to think of myself as the cool type who doesn't get his feathers ruffled so easy.

I would be posting more, but we're in a strange phase with my wife. She's taken to falling. Seven times yesterday. I gotta put the squeeze on the docs or they'll just keep doing the same thing over and over and expect different results. I'm the one who told them to test for RSD. Then I had to teach them what it was. Sheeeesh.

I think it's the maximum dose of Neurontin she's been on for four years that's causing it. They don't understand, she's had the RNY and her absorption is different. Also she's had Constipation since the surgery, and this stuff stays in her system for a long time. I'll get through to them. I have before.

Well anyway, thanks for all the kind words. Now, she's sleeping, and not walking, I think I'll have a look around on the computer.

'night.

[Alexandra 55]

Ryan my heart goes out to you and your wife. Chronic illness is so much to handle and you seem to be a wonderful caregiver. I hope things resolve quickly and your wife improves fast, for both your sakes!

[blossom 2]

Ryan, your writing just amazes me! What an analogy! I grew up heavy too, so I can relate. Sorry to hear about your wife. I hope she improves soon.

[donali 57]

Keep on those docs about your wife! **hugs** to you both - what a heart-breaking situation.

Love your writing, of course. What I was building was a "safe" room - I didn't realize it was going to turn out to be a prison...

[Alexandra 55]

Originally posted by donali

What I was building was a "safe" room - I didn't realize it was going to turn out to be a prison...

Sooooooo, soooooooo true. Can I come out now?

[DaisyGirl 0]

"Free of the need to see if I'm really the fattest person in the room."

OMG! I thought I was the only person who did this.

You are amazing with words! That touched me . and also reminded me that I am not the only one who feels like a prisoner.

Thanks for sharing.

Oh and when I need to write an appeal letter to my insurance co. I am coming to you...lol

I think you could even bring them to tears..

Good luck with the surgery.

And I hope your wife is better soon.

Amy