Body Image

[puddin 7]

I've been thinking about this post for quite some time. I'm just about at goal (within 10 pounds, at least), and all of a sudden I have body image issues. Well, perhaps less body image as overall self-image issues. I really do not understand it. I'm starting to think that this whole time these issues were simply latent and so, subconsciously, I created the bigger issue of having too much excess weight, so I didn't have to deal with the OTHER issues, like will men like me for ME? I'm sure this has been exacerbated by a recent big breakup where I was told by a man I thought I was going to marry that he still had strong feelings for another woman who was, essentially, more 'attractive' than I was. But I wouldn't have so many issues with that statement if it wasn't my worst fear in the first place.

Okay, any psychoanalysts out there? Am I crazy, or what? I have certainly turned to God for help, but I think He helps those who help themselves. What is it that we can do to overcome some of these issues? I have been thinking of finding someone to emulate who displays those self-confidence qualities (especially around men), but I'm not sure how to find this person or even know what to look for in their behavior.

[DynamoMini 1]

Body image is a huge thing, also feeling very exposed after the layers are gone. It is great that you are reaching out to others for support, instead of eating to comfort yourself. Your recent breakup has triggered your worst fears is my guess. Of course you will meet someone who will love you, but first you have to love yourself. The guy is a jerk!

Attraction is tricky business. I have seen great looking men with ugly women they think are gorgeous. So you know, it is in the eyes of the beholder.

Back to you --- have you noticed that more people are looking at you now that you have lost so much weight? For me, a basically shy person, this is really hard to take. It is easier to blend into the scenery than be on center stage. But, not really. Otherwise, I wouldn't want to look good.

So this time I am really concentrating on the concept of I deserve to live a healthy life. I will cope with discomfort (feelings of exposure) by acknowledging the feeling and talking about it. I hope that will help. Keep on journaling and realize the guy is a creep.

[puddin 7]

Dynamo

It truly is in the eye of the beholder. I thought my ex was drop-dead gorgeous, but my sister could take him or leave him. But I am not attracted to her fiance in ANY way and she thinks he's the best lookin' man on the planet. But see, I'm not going to pretend that I think I'm ugly. I think I'm pretty. But I think there's something about my personality that might be turning men off. I don't know how to pinpoint it or how to change it, so I overcompensate by trying to make myself prettier. Perhaps there really IS nothing wrong with my personality and I'm simply impatient. I seem to think that the first man I really like since my breakup (a mere 8 weeks ago) should want me back just as much! I suppose it doesn't really work that way. There have been several men SINCE my ex that have been more interested in me than I have been in them. It just takes time to find that "connection".

I have noticed a lot of people looking at me. About 20 pounds ago I still had "big girl" mentality and thought "keep starin at the freakshow, okay?" But I have come to realize that they aren't staring at a freak show. The guys look at me because they think I'm pretty. I really, really don't know how to handle it, besides just strut my stuff. I'm very much like a teenager in terms of relationships, only I skipped like 20 steps with my ex and have to pay the price for it now. Well, that, and my thinking is not like a teenager. I don't fit. Even the therapist I'm going to says that. It was very, very unhealthy for me to go as far as I did with him - a man who used me terribly. So the therapist is helping with the issues surrounding the breakup. I just wondered if anyone else on this site was able to overcome these issues somehow, and what was done to do that?

Right now I'm TRYING to take a dating hiatus and learn a little more about my own self-worth, sans the man.

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

I agree Puddin. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. The jerk left because he isn't the right one and the right one is looking for you!

You need to remember you deserve better, and you will find your Prince Charming, but you may have to kiss a few toads first!

:kiss2:

[DonnaMarie 0]

I just want to say Congrats for all you have accomplished! And I was looking at your pics and you are right.. you are pretty.. better yet, you are gorgeous. Do not put down yourself or your personality because you broke up with some man.. lol I am 33 years old and I found the love of my life.. We were friends first. (in fact, i thought he was too quiet for me!).. we then started dating and dated for 2 years. Last summer we decided to get married and on May 27th, we are flying to Vegas and eloping!

My guy loves me for me.. I am a size 24 now almost 22 and he was there for my surgery last july and is there for me every day! He doesn't judge me for my looks. He loves me for what is inside. I too thought I would NEVER find the one.. I am divorced and had 2 failed long terms before I found my guy.

He is out there! I just wanted to share my story to let you know that you are not even close to being alone. Hold your head high! Be proud of your looks and your personality! Find a man to enhance your life and if he doesn't ... NEXT!

Hugz,

Donnamarie

[chocolate_snaps 3]

I know this may not be exactly what you ladies are talking about but, I must say this has got me thinking about how my weightloss will effect my personality. Ive thought about it before but this is different. I know I have a great personality but what if my great personality is compensating for my weight. Ive thought (really superficially) that "Im gonna be a monster" but really what if that is true? wow.

Puddin about the dating... Im where you were before your weightloss, really stuck (dating wise) in my teens. Ive never really dated, Ive had my small share of interested parties but Ive run away because I was to insecure. Im afraid of becoming Dr.Jeckyll and Ms.Hyde. before I though of it like a science experiment, kinda lets see what gonna happen but now that its getting more real to me, I feel like I should prepare.

I have body issue with my thinner body (that I dont even have yet) good thing I already in therapy, huh. haha

[puddin 7]

Okay chocolate, I am so very, very worried about you now. Maybe because I know what happened the moment I lost all the weight. I never really dated, either. Then I started dating, and, after about 6 months of it, finally found someone to fall in love with, but didn't know how to handle it. Here's the thing: Don't you sell yourself short for ANY man, NO MATTER how good looking he is. My ex was the first really good looking guy to show interest in me. And he was so athletic and funny and we shared the same personality and sense of humor... so I let him take the most precious thing I had because I thought he loved me and, in a weird way, it made me feel more secure to be with someone so good looking who seemed so attracted to me. But men can be pigs (sorry fellas). The good ones are the ones who respect you for maintaining your integrity throughout everything. I even think my ex would probably still be interested if he hadn't gotten what he wanted from me. I was thrown off his pedestal and he didn't respect me any more.

chocolate, this can cause so much incredible heartache. I don't want you to fall into the same trap just for a little physical affection. We women just can't handle it, especially if we're emotionally at the teenage dating level. Before this happens, please make goals and boundaries for yourself. Don't ever, ever let yourself think you're "strong enough" to resist it, because none of us are. Just make personal boundaries and stick by them! You'll be so much happier if you do... truly! Since breaking up with Kori, I've been out with several men. One I really, really like (it's Tony on my flickr photo page), but I have since set those boundaries for myself. For example, we were lying on his bed watching a movie the other night and he was like "wanna share a blanket?" So I did, and we started to cuddle. But when he started to rub his face against mine, I knew that was the "sign" and didn't let it get any further than that - especially since we were both lying down on his bed with the lights off. If Tony's truly quality, he'll respect me for those boundaries.

[libra 13]

I think we all are going to deal with these issues once the weight comes off. We've used our weight as a crutch for so long.

My husband has already started to say that I "act differently" and sometimes has ever referred to me as "vain" because he catches me looking in the mirror. I really don't see myself as vain, although for the first time in my life...I don't hide from mirrors or cameras. I finally have some confidence and I guess that's something my husband hasn't seen before...but it's something he's gonna have to accept because I feel good about myself and I'm not going to hide that!

I keep reminding myself that not only are we losing weight, but we're really changing our lives...we need to be prepared for that.

[kyethra 0]

I have unusually high levels of self confidence. Latley I've noticed (yes I can be oblivious) that a lot of people have self esteem issues. I weight too much and I'm fat. I know that and I know I will look better when I lose weight. At the same time, I still think I'm adorable! Really, I do! I think I am a sexy woman and I think my breasts are especially fabulous. I've always had fabulous breasts and if they get wierd when I lose a lot of weight I'm getting those babies fixed with surgery (and whatever else needs to be) so they stay fab!

Part of it might be my wonderful and loving husband. But I was pretty darn confident even before I met him. We went out and I was thinking that I really liked him but I doubted the relationship would go anywhere because he was seven years older than me (well I was only 20 when we started dating) and I wasn't even looking for a serious relationship-- I was just looking to have fun, etc. I actually was a bit worried I would end up hurting him :heh: So instead I fell madly in love with him and we ended up getting married -- he proposed the day after our two year anniversary.

Right from the begining I had certain boundaries. And I talked about and discussed those with me-- well mostly I talked and he listened. And when I decided I was ready to move forward from one boundary to the next it involved a discussion and thinking about it, etc.

He always showed me a lot of respect- and not just physically. I have friends who are thinner than me and smarter too but they have gone through relationships where that issue of respect can be tricky-- is it an equal partnership, etc. Is the guy putting as much work into it as she is, and all that. And he did. Now we get into the duldrums on occasion and we talk about it and I might say "listen, you have to step up and take me out on a romantic date- movie and dinner or something" He says ok and does it. He also respects my mind, my feelings, my self. I would not want to be with anyone where I had to be on my gaurd or worry about what they would say behind my back. I don't mean kiss and tell either-- I just mean personality type stuff. Like I wouldn't want to be with someone if I didn't trust them enough to not be self conscious around them, so I do the embarassing things i normally do like hiccup after I burp sometimes.

I would be really concerned about any guy who was too into looks. Not just because of weight issues either. But whatabout childbirth? What if it involves a C section scar? And people age. Is he going to be one of those guys, I would wonder, who feels the need to get the new model after 15 years? I understand and agree that it is important to find your partner attractive and have them want to take care of themselves. But I shouldn't have to look nice for him on dates-- I should want to.

I've always had a certain set of criteria on men as well. In some ways I think they are like real estate. No fixer uppers! Baggage happens and I get that, as well as issues and conditions and whatever. But I never wanted to be the girl who changed someone for the better, or anything like that. I wanted them to come already changed for the better. Pre assembeled if you will.

For a while my body image was really uncertain. I would look in the mirror and I would see a woman who I thought looked nice- sure she could lose some weight, but she didn't look gross to me or anything like that. Of course some days and garments were better than others. Then I had my husband point out other who had the same sort of body as I did, women who he said looked to weigh about the same as me. And sometimes I would ask questions. Turns out the image in my head wasn't that off-- I was just self confidant. (And I also delete all the bad pictures of me from the digital camera right away so we only have the good pictures). Instead of focusing on what was wrong with my body like I thought I was supposed to be doing in order to be "normal" and "accurate" I decided to instead focus on the whole picture and to pay special attention to what I liked. So now I look in the mirror and sure I see the double chin or chins and the spare tires and so forth. But I also see the sparkle in my eye and my fabulous breasts and my broad shoulders (I decided I like that). And if I'm going to focus on something its sure going to be what I like!

If others don't like it, thats their problem. But I sure wouldn't want to be with people who made me feel bad about myself. I know people can't always help how they feel. And sometimes people are shallow and thats sad for them because they miss out on a lot. I can choose not to mess with that though. Just like I choose not to assosciate with people (at least not if I can help it!) who play mind games ( I totally don't hints and stuff at all-- I'm a say what you mean straight and mean what you say girl) and people who stress me out. I figure life is too short. Or at least that is my take on it.

[DonnaMarie 0]

:clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2:

Yay! I love that post. Yo go girl! I have a guy who sounds just like your guy.. I do the same thing.. umm honey, we need a date night.. and he just says "okay" and does it.. we are lucky!

~Donnamarie~

[JDru 0]

Awesome post kyethra! I was I had your self-confidence...I really need to work on that. It sounds like you and your husband have a great relationship! You've found a good one for sure.

Good luck with your surgery in March!

[MysticstarD 0]

How about loving yourself, send your self flowers and write on the card something sweet or join a flower of the month club where you will forget about it and puff there it is with a sweet note to yourself, take yourself to a nice dinner, be ok with being by yourself and don't look for a husband look for a friend, someone that you can be your self, someone you can totally relax with.

Are you putting too much of a I am looking for a husband vibe. Men shy away from a "hello my name is ______ and I am looking for a husband" thing. Are you too clingy, jelous, picky. Try dating a not so handsome guy and see what happens.

[puddin 7]

You know, I'm clinical, I really am. I need to remove said ex from my phone. I accidentally sent a text to him (meant to send it to the person next on the list in the address book), and we have a conversation going again. Damn. It's like old times, too. He's all funny and sweet and charming again. He's acting like he never killed me inside. I bet he has no idea...

Oh girls, I need to get confident before June - that's the goal! This is bigger than me. I'll see this ex in June at the Edmonton Triathlon. I don't want to fall for him again! It took 5 weeks for me to stop freakin crying every day over him. I still love the jerk and wish I didn't. In the back of my mind I want to find someone I like a lot between now and then so I won't fall for him once again. Maybe I'll see him and decide "what the heck was I thinking???" I sure hope so.

You know, Mystic, I like that advice. I don't THINK I'm putting out the "hello I'm looking for a husband" vibe, but it's possible I am. I actually keep thinking "Let's get this date out of the way so I can get on with my dating hiatus." I'm DEFINITELY not the jealous or clingy type. But I am picky. It's also possible I'm going after men that are out of my league LOL. How the heck do you know what your "league" is??? It's just that I'm attracted to who I'm attracted to - and that just happens to be only very good looking men. It's sort of setting myself up for failure, I suppose. But I don't know how to get past it.

[conniesueb 1]

Puddin--I firmly believe that love finds you when you least expect it. When I met my current husband, I was in the process of divorcing husband number two(sad, I know), and the last thing I was looking for was a relationship. He was in town working and was working with the guy that my best friend was dating. I thought he was nice and cute, but he was seven years younger than me. Anyway, I thought he would just be fun to hang out with while he was in town, and then he would leave, and everything would be good. At that point, I never thought I would get married again, after having two that failed. But funny thing happened--we fell in love, dammit! To make a long story short, we did get married, and I am very happy, but that truly was the furthest thing from my mind when I met him. Just be patient, and give yourself a chance to enjoy the new you--which is beautiful, by the way! You have really given me some motivation--I looked at your pics, and WOW! You have come such a long way--learn to love the new you, and don't worry about finding love--it will find you when the time is right. But don't settle--that's where I made my mistake the first two times! Hang in there girl--and don't give in to those old feelings when you see the ex--just keep telling yourself you deserve better than that, because you do!

[MysticstarD 0]

Could you be looking in these guys something you wish you had