Husband doesn't understand

[sue3 0]

Hi. I am new here and I could use some advice. I am going to have the band procedure and insurance is not going to cover it. I have to pay out of pocket. My husband is not happy about the insurance issue. The procedure has now become an argument. He has even accused me of not trying to lose weight on my own.

That is why I need advice...How do you make someone understand the emotional stress of being overweight? How do you prove to them that you have tried hard enough on your own? How do you explain to someone the psychological stress of being overweight? He just doesn't get it. He is basically accusing me of being lazy. My BMI is 30. That doesn't mean that I feel less pain of someone with a BMI of 40+. Being overweight doesn't make me lazy. I am very distressed and I told him to "Go Scratch." I am having this done with or without his support. I will work a second job to pay for it, too. I am not worried about him being mad at me right now because he pissed me off..and pissed me off good. I told him, "Gee, should I stick me finger down my throat like your sister?" That's cheaper. When he wanted to buy a boat for 30 grand, it was no problem. Why can't I have something? Any advice on how to get someone to understand weight issues?

Thank you for listening,

Sue3

[New Hope 37]

Wow, Sue, that's a tough one. I hope you will take your time and research whatever (if any) weight loss procedure you decide on. It takes more than just wanting it. It's not an "easy fix". It takes mental and physical work on your part. It would really help you emotionally if you and your husband could agree on this before you do something. Have you tried showing him any info. (literature, internet, these message boards, etc.)? If he's in your corner, it will be so much easier for you to succeed. Best of luck to you on your journey!

[GeezerSue 7]

Hi, Sue3.

Welcome. Mine will problably be the most "negative" response you get, so don't get discouraged. Others will be nicer! But let's look at some numbers.

A person who is 5' 5" and weighs 180 pounds has a BMI of 30. That person would, at the middle of the normal range, with a BMI of 21.8, weigh 131 pounds. Which means that this person has 49 pounds of excess weight to lose.

The AVERAGE banded patient, at two years post-op, has lost 62% of his or her excess weight. In the case of the above example, the AVERAGE person with those numbers would, two years after surgery, weigh 150.6 pounds. That is, after many thousands of dollars, and gobs of effort, the weight loss would average less than thirty pounds.

Weight loss surgery is a drastic step...even the band. There are risks to every surgery. We've had people here who have had to have the band removed. We have others who have had ongoing infections and other problems. These are reasonable risks to take if one is morbidly obese and his or her life is in danger. But the less overweight you are, the more unreasonable those risks become.

And there are absolutely NO guarantees. I've had my band unfilled because of reflux and for other reasons, and now, almost two years post-op, I've regained about half of my lost weight and have to start over. I've met people who have spent ten of thousands of dollars getting banded and have lost ten pounds because they were not able to make the lifestyle changes.

Also, you say that you don't feel less pain than someone with a BMI of 40+. Sorry, but I think that only someone who has never had a BMI of 40+ would say such a thing. Those of us who are 40+ (and 50+) have problems you can only imagine. And pains, physical and mental, you cannot imagine. If you can fit in an airline seat, if you don't have an oozing fungal rash under your pendulous abdomen, if you can wipe your own butt without defying the laws of physics, you cannot imagine how NOT being able to do those things--and so many more--can impact your life.

Granted, you are disturbed about your weight and want/need to do something, and you are only a few pounds away from being classified obese. But did you know that most of us would give our eye teeth to be at a BMI of 30?

Anyway, read all over this site and other sites about how hard it is to lose weight WITH the band (and how easy it is to regain lost weight with the gastric bypass) and think about whether you are really sick enough to take such a drastic step, when it requires so much effort and costs so much money and provides no guarantees. From what I understand about the FDA guidlines, you would not be considered that sick in this country. And I hope you don't get that sick. And I wish you health.

Sue

[PamRN 0]

As an RN with some health knowledge, I'm afraid I have to agree with much of what G-Sue says. I hear your distress, and I understand, I remember how distressed and crappy I felt at a BMI of 30.

I knew I needed to do something, and I tried.... everything. I remember thinking if this weight gain keeps up I'm going to have to have something done...i.e. gastric bypass...it kept up...

After many failed diet and exercise rollercoasters, I'm now at a nice and dangerous BMI of 43.6. After much gastric bypass research, I've decided on the lapband instead. Mostly because of the reduced risk, and ability to keep my intestines intact.

Sue's right, that's a lot of money to spend, and I'm guessing you'll have a lot of trouble finding a legitimate surgeon to qualify you, and perform this, unless you have some serious co-morbidity's.

Keep researching weight loss, you may find that there's something more appropriate for you than bariatric surgery. Perhaps the B.I.B?

If you feel you must have bariatric surgery, and can find a doc to do it, keep reading here. The information is priceless. Good Luck, and don't lose hope.

[Angeleyes 1]

I to have some of the same feelings you have. I have a BMI of 31. I have been dieting for 30 years. If I didn't diet all the time I really don't know how much I would weigh. If I could lose this weight by myself I would. I have tryed everything. I will be a self pay and I will need to do alot of things to get the money. But I feel it will be worth it. I know I will need to continue to diet. But maybe it will really work this time. Good Luck!

[GeezerSue 7]

Angeleyes,

I think most banded people would tell you that they don't diet and never will again. It's a way bigger change than that.

And again, there probably aren't many doctors in this country who place the LapBand in anyone with a BMI of less than 35 with comorbidities. That makes me wonder if you will find aftercare nearby. Make sure you have that all lined up.

[Angeleyes 1]

I know there are some foods I will never eat again. I know I will need to chew,chew,chew. And I know I will still feel like eating when I can't. (emotional stuff) Will need lots of after care.

I am talking to a new Surgeon in my area next week. I am going to ask him to refer me to someone close if he won't do my after care. Please give me any other advise you may have.

Thanks

[Guest Kelli815]

I'm kinda in the same boat as Sue and I can see both sides of things. I have not been banded, but seriously have been thinking about it because I can't seem to lose weight...the most I have ever lost is 30 lbs. which didn't stay off. I realize mine and Sue's BMI isn't as high as a lot of others in here and that you don't agree that we should have the lap band done because of this. But my self esteem is at an all time low and to have the hope of something helping to lose and keep weight off is uplifting. My husband says the same...you can do it on your own, we'll exercise..etc, etc., but if that were the case I would be at my ideal weight. I see many of you with a much lower BMI than ours now so you must be feeling great about yourself, just think what it would do for us.

[GeezerSue 7]

Kelli,

The band DOES help. But it is a drastic step. Right now, what do you do when your husband offers to walk/exercise with you?

[Debra 0]

I agree with Geezer Sue that someone with a BMI of 30 doesn't really understand BMIs of 40+. But then as Pam said, she was miserable w/ a BMI of 30, then rollercoastered up to 43.6.

So, if it were that easy to stop at 30 and make changes, why would we all be here at 40+? Is it neccessary to have rashes and glucose problems and be in constant pain before we make surgical changes? If this had been available to me at 180 lbs. I would have saved a lot of grief and pain, that's for sure!

Yes, there are risks to surgery; but is it better to put yourself in physical danger first by being morbidly obese? Then have surgery? Or, nip it in the bud before morbid obesity kicks in? What a healthier, safer scenerio, I believe.

[Guest Kelli815]

Geezer,

Actually, he doesn't offer to walk or exercise with me...if he didn't he wouldn't have to ask twice. A lot of it has to do with his work...he's gone most of the week so he's not there with me a lot.

I think the band isn't as evasive as the other weight loss surgeries and can be used by people that aren't as big as others. But I feel even us with the lower BMI's have health risks...my blood pressure is high, my back and knees ache, etc.

[New Hope 37]

Are you willing to give up fast foods, junk food, pastries, colas, rice, potatoes, Pasta? Are you willing to drink more Water than you ever thought you could hold - all day long (but not with your meal or an hour after you eat)? Are you willing to faithfully do some form of exercise? Are you willing to focus on eating healthy all the time? These are all drastic changes that we've had to make and commit to. You can eat around your band by eating soft foods -- puddings, custard pies, cakes, etc. This will defeat the purpose of the band because it won't fill you up and you'll be hungry sooner and looking for something to eat AGAIN.

It is a shame that the medical field doesn't help people at a lower BMI. But this isn't an "easy way out". It requires dedication and hard work for LIFE.

Please research carefully before making any decisions!

[GeezerSue 7]

Debra,

I realize that all of us who have BMI's of 40+ used to have BMI's of 30. On the other hand, not everyone who has a BMI of 30 will get to 40+. (Remember those friends who are still "chunky," but never got morbidly obese?) It would be great if we could tell WHICH of us are going to need banding at a BMI of 30, and then we could all fight the overweight vs. obese battle together.

Kelli,

Someone with a BMI of 35+ with comorbidities DOES meet the criteria for surgery in the US. Back to my 5'5" person...at BMI 30, she weighs 180, at BMI 35, she weighs 210.5 and with comorbidities has a very different life than the 180 pound person.

And, boy! Do I relate to the absentee-husband situation. For most of 31 years! In fact, seven hours into his day today, I just got the "Babe? I'm probably going to end up putting in a double shift" phone call. I just mentioned it because if you were post-op right now, whether he were here or not, you'd need to be heading out the door. As do I. And he's not here to go with me.

[sue3 0]

I didn't mean to start a controversy. i apologize if I offended anyone with a higher BMI. I think 30 is my breaking point, and we all have one. I was just trying to convey that I feel pain, too. I know now, that my pain is different (and I am thankful for that.) I also did not mean to come off that I felt the Lap Band is a quick fix. I hope I didn't sound like that and I know if someone insinuated that YOU thought it was a quick fix, you wouldn't appreciate that. Thank you for reading my post and for the advice.

SUE3

[GeezerSue 7]

controversy? offended people? Not here. I think most of us remember being where you are and that the risks are high for such a small payoff and that there is so much work to do even eith the band, that it wouldn't hurt to start the work now...whether you can get a band or not.