Being Judged?!

[kristlynngirl 184]

I don't know if I'm the only one who's dealt with this, but some of my friends and family seem to be judging me for making this decision. "Are you sure you really need to do this?" "Have you really looked into this?" "Don't people gain the weight back?" "Why don't you just exercise and do Weight Watchers?"

I feel like I'm always defending myself. People think this is the easy way out. They don't realize how different my life is going to be from be moment after surgery until the day I die. They don't get that the extra 130ish pounds has caused health problems that prevent me from hitting it in the gym. Everything always hurts. I get winded so easily. And all the embarrassment I go thru at places like amusement parks where I damn near need a shoehorn to fit into the seat of a ride. I'm so frustrated by people who are supposed to support me being so hurtful.

[Jacqueline K 93]

I haven't told anyone except very close family and friends- no one at work and most of my relatives have no idea! I don't think I'll have a problem with them knowing afterwards but I didn't want to deal with these issues you are having.

Not sure how else you can deal with these issues if they are really bothering you but to just tell them they can either be supportive or be quiet- none of them have walked in your shoes and have no idea how hard everyday is! I totally understand- I am in pain every single day! My feet are always swollen and painful to the touch, I can't walk far as my back hurts, and my knees hurt, etc.....

I haven't been to an amusement part in years as last time I went I was asked to leave a ride because they couldn't find an extender belt.

We are here for you and we all understand what you are/have been going through. Keep your head up and your eye on the prize! A longer healthier life where you can actually do the things you've been missing out on!

[ElleG 394]

I don't know if I'm the only one who's dealt with this, but some of my friends and family seem to be judging me for making this decision. "Are you sure you really need to do this?" "Have you really looked into this?" "Don't people gain the weight back?" "Why don't you just exercise and do Weight Watchers?"

I feel like I'm always defending myself. People think this is the easy way out. They don't realize how different my life is going to be from be moment after surgery until the day I die. They don't get that the extra 130ish pounds has caused health problems that prevent me from hitting it in the gym. Everything always hurts. I get winded so easily. And all the embarrassment I go thru at places like amusement parks where I damn near need a shoehorn to fit into the seat of a ride. I'm so frustrated by people who are supposed to support me being so hurtful.

I didn't tell anyone, but JESUS. My mom kinda knows and I say kinda because she drove me to the hospital but she doesn't really know what I did. I rather just keep it to myself. Good luck to you

[kristlynngirl 184]

My mom and my dad have been awesome! Other people tho its been hit or miss. They need to understand this is my life and my body and I want to reclaim it. I have a lot left I want to do, and I'm only 29 years old and about 275 lbs. If I don't stop it now, I know how out of control it could get.

[ajg102706 1]

The only people who have been supportive is my husband. My family are always judgemental an yea it does suck that they arnt supportive. All I hear from my family is "why dont you just diet".

[HeroOfThisStory 24]

I told a couple close friends, my fiancée and his parents and my parents and sisters. Everyone is so supportive and I haven't had anything negative as of yet. My dad is worried like crazy but he has promised me a complete new wardrobe when I reach my goal. I'm only 23 so they want this for me to be healthy the rest of my life. The people I didn't tell are the people who I think would have negative comments, which could be jealousy, and I don't want to deal with that. They don't live my life or know my struggles. I'm an adult and I'll make my own decisions without negativity.

[Nel 189]

I've had some of it after...you know, "I'm glad you're happy but everything has a consequence! I hope you're one of the lucky ones!" "Wow, I've known some have little bad things later and some with tons!"

I finally said it was amazing how many double sided compliments one gets after this and that it was like saying "Congratulations on your marriage! There's a 75% chance you'll get divorced! Good luck with that!"

It's rude.

[Jacqueline K 93]

I've had some of it after...you know, "I'm glad you're happy but everything has a consequence! I hope you're one of the lucky ones!" "Wow, I've known some have little bad things later and some with tons!"

I finally said it was amazing how many double sided compliments one gets after this and that it was like saying "Congratulations on your marriage! There's a 75% chance you'll get divorced! Good luck with that!"

It's rude.

Love the analogy! I agree.... very rude. Until they've been in our shoes they have no right to judge.

[Donnah 8]

I have had both positive and negative comments. I told my family and friends, and the people that I work with know I am having surgery. I decided that if people asked what I was having done, I was going to be upfront and honest with them. The reason is, I am not doing anything wrong, and I think the negative perception people have about the surgery is only made moreso by not talking about it as if there is a shame involved. That being said, I've been really hurt by some of the negative comments that are both rude and insensitive. But, I've grown to understand that those comments define the other person and not me. I actually had a person I used to work with tell me "Why would you have that surgery? Wow, now you will have skin hanging all over." I often wonder if people stop to think about what comes out of their mouth?? On the other hand, I have a good friend that was initially hesitant to be supportive- maybe because he is a high level coach, and also because he worried about complications. But now he is very supportive of me and told me yesterday he is proud of me.

Look at the negativity as ignorance, and know you are doing the right thing for you. I think by not talking about it if asked, and being open about it, it reinforces that there is some sort of shame or weakness involved. I want people to know I am strong enough to make my own decisions, and strong enough to stand by them- regardless of what other's opinions are.

Be strong in knowing you have made a courageous decision to become healthy again and get your life back, and chalk up ignorance or negativity to what it is. Just my two cents (plus a few)

[YoColeFleet 246]

I told my close family and a few friends and some co-workers, only because my hospital were I work is very small and I don't need the gossip upon my return, when I arrive 20 maybe something lbs lighter. Lol

[terry1118 1,274]

Love the analogy! I agree.... very rude. Until they've been in our shoes they have no right to judge.

Ditto on the analogy! I'm saving your zing for future use!

[oldoneyoungagain 200]

I think what gets under my hide when I tell someone that I'm having bypass, are the people who are not only not supportive but start telling their story of "I knew so and so who had it done and had this, and this, and this complication" or better yet "they knew someone who had this surgery and due to complications eventually died".

What they can't through their skulls, is that without this surgery, we have this, and this, and this complication with our health and we will eventually died because of those complications. And I would rather try to save myself by prolonging my life or at least die trying by having this surgery, rather than not try at all and sentence myself to death.

In the end to those people, no matter what we do, it will still not be the right decision. It will be heck if you do and heck if you don't.

[DLCoggin 1,788]

Obesity is a progressive, life-threatening disease that is the number two cause of preventable death in the U.S. When considering treatment options for any life-threatening disease, the question is not how easy or hard any given option is. The question is what is the most effective option with the greatest chance of successfully resolving the disease. Gastric bypass surgery is the single most effective treatment known to medical science for the treatment of obesity and more than 30 co-morbidities associated with obesity - by a very wide margin. Its success rate, safety and effectiveness are supported by more than 30 years of clinical studies involving tens of thousands of patients from all over the world. And for those who qualify, it is endorsed by the American Society for Metabolic and Bariatric Surgery, the Institute of Medicine, Harvard Medical School, the World Health Organization, the U.S. food and Drug Administration, and many, many other highly respected universities and organizations.

The decision to have surgery, any surgery, is an intensely personal one that should involve careful consideration of many factors. Negative comments from those who are foolish enough, ignorant enough, or just plain egotistical enough to believe they have the knowledge and expertise to voice an opinion about something as complex as bariatric surgery is the height of absurdity. Most certainly not a factor worthy of consideration in making such an important, potentially life-changing decision.

[kellbell5 35]

For me telling people was extremely difficult and I never expected the responses I would get from some. It's amazing to me how many people have a "story" about someone they know, who knows someone, who's family member had they surgery and they.... You fill in the blank... Because just about anything that could happen has happened. And instead of saying things like "wow that must be a tough decision" or "that must be scary for you" they have to say insensitive and rude things that do not ease our minds.

Because I had this very same issue come up I spoke with my therapist about it. She suggested the best way for me to handle it might be to come up with a "script" I had prepared for when someone said something like that. For me, mine sounded like this (post-op):

I appreciate your concerns but I've weighed the options and for me this was the right choice. What I could really use now that I've had the surgery is support from... (You, my friends an family, etc. depending on the person)

It has actually really helped. For the people who find it difficult to support me, it was clear my choice was not up for discussion. And for the people who wanted to support me but didn't know how, it helped them to see what they were saying was not supportive.

Just my two cents. If you use my script or come up with your own I'd love to hear how it worked for you

[Donnah 8]

Obesity is a progressive, life-threatening disease that is the number two cause of preventable death in the U.S. When considering treatment options for any life-threatening disease, the question is not how easy or hard any given option is. The question is what is the most effective option with the greatest chance of successfully resolving the disease. Gastric bypass surgery is the single most effective treatment known to medical science for the treatment of obesity and more than 30 co-morbidities associated with obesity - by a very wide margin. Its success rate, safety and effectiveness are supported by more than 30 years of clinical studies involving tens of thousands of patients from all over the world. And for those who qualify, it is endorsed by the American Society for Metabolic and Bariatric Surgery, the Institute of Medicine, Harvard Medical School, the World Health Organization, the U.S. food and Drug Administration, and many, many other highly respected universities and organizations.

The decision to have surgery, any surgery, is an intensely personal one that should involve careful consideration of many factors. Negative comments from those who are foolish enough, ignorant enough, or just plain egotistical enough to believe they have the knowledge and expertise to voice an opinion about something as complex as bariatric surgery is the height of absurdity. Most certainly not a factor worthy of consideration in making such an important, potentially life-changing decision.

Very well said, Dave.