angry and disturbed with myself

[Cherry 71]

Just a disclaimer that this is how I feel this morning, and I am in no way saying anyone else should feel this way:

I am 9 days post op. I am doing amazing! I think I am a rare RARE case and perhaps should share my recovery: I have had NO pain (a tiny tiny bit at 2 incisions sites), NO complications, NO delays in anything, NO hair loss, and NO problems getting my liquid and protien in. I also did all of this on my own with NO help. I had a friend drive me to and pick me up from the hospital - that has been my only aid. So far, I would consider me the fairytale surgery to the point that in my follow up today, I am going to jokingly accuse my surgeon of not even doing the RNY. My steri-strips have all come off and I have "less-than" cat scratches that will be gone in a month. To date, I have lost 8 lbs although I really lost 12 because 4 of it was IV fluids that weighed on my after I was released. It's been too good to be true and I just try to wipe the thought from my mind that the other shoe is going to drop somewhere....somehow.

So here is why I am upset:

I stood in the shower today feeling no hunger and no loss of anything (food related). I do not miss one food. Yes, I have a small craving for a bite of pizza, but overall I miss nothing. But I felt weak in the shower and realized that my energy was lower then pre-RNY (to be expected of course). I couldn't help think about how the RNY starves my body; the malnurishment of it all. I am Hungarian and my maternal relatives were all killed in the camps and I grew up hearing about the Holocaust on a daily basis. The images haunt me.... and yet here I am starving my body basically to be thin (and yes, healthy). I am not experiencing any side effects of starvation probably because I am doing well with my Vitamins, protien, and Fluid, and I have body fat to spare. But it made me feel horrible today to think that I am purposefully depriving my living breathing body and yet my body is not even really reacting! I think of the biology of it all and how at the moment, I am not getting sugar or carbs and I wonder how hard my kidneys are working too. And although this isn't some huge epiphany, it just weirded me out this morning and trumped any desire I have to wear some cute little dress to an important function this summer, or fit my calfs back into my riding boots, or even wear a pair of jeans without a hoodie 2x too big. I just felt like crap about it all.

Is this the sadness/depression we were warned about?

[BBdoodle 483]

Sounds like you are doing fantastic... I too had a wonderful recovery period, and was back to work in 1 week. I had no stapes or sutures and the steri-strips were a blessing to have because there is very minimal scaring. I am a year out and feeling wonderful. I too went thru some periods of feeling down. I attribute it to your affair with food is over and we are mourning the loss of the "affair". At least that is the way I felt, my day was focused on food and after surgery you focus on getting your Protein, vitimans and Water in. Your body is going thru a MAJOR adjustment and it take a couple of months for everything to adjust, once that happens you are going to love the new and ever changing you. The mood swigns will go away too. Keep up the great work.

[handrene 5]

Surely can understand your feelings given your history. I have heard of similar feelings and I too get down on myself sometime with the negative self talk such as why did I do this to myself and now I have to take such drastic measures. But I try not to dwell on those thoughts. I don't have alot of issues except a nagging stomach ache that feels like hunger pain even though I don't feel hungry. But I have lost 25lbs and it feels good just to be able to drag on something to run to the store instead of spending so much time finding clothes that fit. I too struggle with having very little energy and constant nausea. However my doctor say to give my body about 3 months cuz I had a very difficult surgery. So I am being patient. But be kind to yourself cuz surely you would never say that to a friend. Something someone told me.. All the best

[LeticiaHuggins 177]

Girl I never even thought about it like you... You're right, people in Africa are starving and I'm up here doing the same on purpose.

I think you just had a moment today.... And you're entitled to it.

Thank you for sharing your feelings.

~Leticia **HW: 259**PreOp: 216**SURG: 3/21/13 **Discharged @: 221**34 days post op. CW: 191.0 lbs. ---ONE-DERLAND ---

[Debbiebydesign 93]

I stood in the shower today feeling no hunger and no loss of anything (food related). I do not miss one food. Yes, I have a small craving for a bite of pizza, but overall I miss nothing. But I felt weak in the shower and realized that my energy was lower then pre-RNY (to be expected of course). I couldn't help think about how the RNY starves my body; the malnurishment of it all. I am Hungarian and my maternal relatives were all killed in the camps and I grew up hearing about the Holocaust on a daily basis. The images haunt me.... and yet here I am starving my body basically to be thin (and yes, healthy). I am not experiencing any side effects of starvation probably because I am doing well with my Vitamins, protien, and Fluid, and I have body fat to spare. But it made me feel horrible today to think that I am purposefully depriving my living breathing body and yet my body is not even really reacting! I think of the biology of it all and how at the moment, I am not getting sugar or carbs and I wonder how hard my kidneys are working too. And although this isn't some huge epiphany, it just weirded me out this morning and trumped any desire I have to wear some cute little dress to an important function this summer, or fit my calfs back into my riding boots, or even wear a pair of jeans without a hoodie 2x too big. I just felt like crap about it all.

Is this the sadness/depression we were warned about?

My guess is that you are getting a little emotional from the change of it all, even though you outwardly feel very well. I am a mental health counselor. Several years ago, a young therapist I worked with, who happens to be one of my dearest friends, lost her infant son to SIDS. I was 7 months pregnant at the time. I struggled with whether I should go to the baby's services, being a very obvious reminder of what my friend had lost. I felt guilty. Here I am, 11 years older than my friend, with a healthy infant inside, and she was experiencing the worst nightmare of a new parent. I spoke with another therapist who said I was experiencing "survivor guilt." It's common to feel guilty about our good fortune, when someone we care about is suffering. That's what I thought of when I read your story.

You have to learn to allow yourself to enjoy the success and health that will hopefully come with your decision to have WLS. You cannot change the past, and feeling guilty about your good fortune only will drag you down, the only "benefit" it might serve is that it will make you appreciate what you have.

That said, the first few days after surgery, I felt WAY better than expected. But deep down, I struggled with some typical, "What the hell did I do?" type of feelings. It passed and really, now 80 days later, I can say the emotional fall out was far less intense than I anticipated.

Try to stay in the moment and enjoy the ride. You are now in control again...

[Cherry 71]

My guess is that you are getting a little emotional from the change of it all, even though you outwardly feel very well. I am a mental health counselor. Several years ago, a young therapist I worked with, who happens to be one of my dearest friends, lost her infant son to SIDS...........

Try to stay in the moment and enjoy the ride. You are now in control again...

THANK YOU - AMAZING WORDS

I think you hit some of it on the head. Sad story about your friend who lost her baby to SIDS, but thank you for sharing; some of my feelings are similar.

I guess you nailed it when you said you thought to yourself "what have I done?" And I suppose that was a part of it too; such a radical option to allow me to be back in control.

And also to add; I am not mourning food nor a relationship with it. Unlike so many, I was/am not a food addict. I am a yo-yo-er who could care less about food for months, then binge and eat 3 slices of pizza rather than see the last one get wrapped and put in the fridge. Food has never been the focus of my day, although now in some ways it is simply because I must do this all right. My sorrow has had nothing to do with the change of eating nor the loss of 'a food relationship'.

Anyhow, it's passed.

[Debbiebydesign 93]

I'm glad. One thing someone told me is that in order to move forward you have to give up guilt from the past. I think of that a lot.

[TinyMamiOf3kids 1,280]

I started feeling like an idiot when my body started sagging & almost got depress. That has been my only issue honestly. Nothing plastic surgery can't fix to bring me total happiness.