Husband problems

[janiee 0]

I am so upset. I am almost halfway through my six months of supervised diet to get approved with my ins and everytime my husband gets really mad at me he threatens to take me off of his ins. I am on his ins plan because I work for myself and getting ins for myself would be way too expensive. Today, he picked up the phone and started to call the ins co. and I ran out of the room crying. He knows how much this means to me and he is holding it over my head.:cry

Any advice?

Janiee

[Chris_NJ 9]

Play his game , get the surgery and leave his arse ! Thats just wrong what he is doing. :angry

[TheCascadian 1]

Sounds like a real jerk. I'm pissed at this guy just reading about it!

And, since you asked for advice: Tell him you want immediate counseling or a divorce, his choice. He needs to really DEAL with his sadism and it can't hurt you to face whatever demons you might have.

It takes two to tango, and I'm sure you haven't always been an angel yourself (who is?!!), but spouses should be supportive of each other, not threatening or intimidating or power-hungry. You deserve better than this, especially during such a stressful time.

Your Lap-Band might need to go on a "secret" credit card as a self-pay... Send the bill to a P.O. Box or your parent's house and TAKE BACK THAT POWER over your health and future.

I'm not saying it's a wise financial choice, but it might change the balance of power between you two- You should be EQUALS and FRIENDS, not dominant/subservient and enemies.

Ultimately, I'm recommending counseling. If he's as much of a %*(#&% as I think, he'll pull out every stop to avoid being dragged into the light like that.

Just my .02 cents.

Stay strong and good luck.

[janiee 0]

Thanks so much!! I am wondering if I should just kiss his butt until surgery? He will not go to a counsler:mad:

Or just say forget the whole thing and find other means and be in debt.

I knew I could count on you awsome people!!

I am leaving and coming back friday so I can't wait to come back to see more advice and words of wisdom!!

Janiee

[marjon9 6]

It's hard to know too much from just one post, and there may be more to the story. But from just the description you provide your husband's behavior is off the chart of "normal marital ups and downs." I agree with

Cascadian's description of the behavior as sadistic. It's hard to imagine having any sort of a loving relationship with a sadistic person. It sounds to me that your world at home is so disfunctional and corrosive to the spirit that fixing that is a good bit more important for your health than even losing weight. I would seriously consider getting yourself free from this situation and then figuring out the weight loss later, especially since you say your husband will not go to counseling. The lap band is not that expensive. You can find a way to do it on your own when the time is right.

Of course, it's easy for me to say this posting on a forum. And all I have to go on is just your one brief description of your situation. But from what you tell us, your situation is cancerous and simply intolerable. I would think about dealing with that first.

[Wheetsin 714]

Do you think he would have actually removed you from his policy, or do you think - since he knows how badly you want this - that it has become a power source for him... a way to have control when he needs it?

Sounds 95% like a power struggle to me. And his own insecurities can be fueling that as much as any other factor.

Think of a newlywed couple (not saying you are, just making an analogy) where the man has professed his love & worship for the female, so the female - knowing this man has essentially no limits in what he will tolerate - uses, "If you do this/that, our relationship is over" as a way to force him into submission over even the most trivial of situations.

[TheCascadian 1]

Thanks so much!! I am wondering if I should just kiss his butt until surgery? He will not go to a counsler:mad:

Janiee

Hmmm...

What is your self-respect worth?

Lap-Bands can be had for around 12-14K and financing is available. :nervous

Seriously, though, this is a choice only you can make. Just do what's right for you.

Truly, best wishes.

[missy67 0]

just a bit of advice- if its not enrollment time and there has been no life changing events ie divorce, death, birth- under most insurances he cant just take you off.

[babygrl1234 6]

Missy I was just about to say that. Go through his paperwork and check that out. If he can't remove you then call him on it.

[missy67 0]

babygirl- that is right. call his bluff- and since you are on his insurance you can call them and find out when enrollment is.. dont you dare kiss his azz infact turn it around him.. )

[GC53 0]

I had one like this - stayed with him 15 years - was badly overweight and he never stopped telling me so. I'm going back a long time now but I met up with a teenage sweetheart [after not seeing him for about 16 years] dumped the weight [56 lbs of it] and dumped the man. Married the man of my dreams - 10 years on never been happier - OK I'm struggling with the weight again but this one is so supportive you wouldn't believe.

Get your band, lose your weight, look fabulous and then kick his arse into touch.

[Alexandra 55]

just a bit of advice- if its not enrollment time and there has been no life changing events ie divorce, death, birth- under most insurances he cant just take you off.

Janiee, he can delete a dependent; no reason is needed. But you should call his employer to explicitly state that this would be against your will, and the employer AND the husband could end up on the wrong end of a lawsuit. If your employer knows that it's unlikely they'd let your husband play games this way.

I'm with Wheetsin (as usual)--this is a power play pure and simple. It would be insane for him to take you off the insurance policy because any medical bills you have would end up costing HIM plenty. He's a manipulative jerk who can't see past the end of his own nose.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

[Alexandra 55]

I was just chatting with a colleague here about this, and it seems that in fact Janiee is on the wrong end of this stick. There wouldn't be any grounds to sue the husband or the employer; they are NOT required to maintain insurance on a spouse if the employee signs a document terminating the spouse. But that's not to say the employer still wouldn't try to discourage the employee from doing it if they knew the spouse wasn't amenable.

The consensus here, Janiee, is that you'd be much better off divorced (from an insurance perspective). That way the employer MUST offer you the chance to continue your coverage for up to 36 months, and that removes your husband from the picture altogether.

Good luck!!

[CCBSTX 0]

I'm sorry for your situation! Of course, we couldn't possibly know the details of your marriage...just what you tell us. No matter what the situation, what he is doing is plain wrong.

In my opinion, I'd lay low/kiss some butt and get the surgery. All the while, I'd PLAN my way out of this marriage. Make arrangements (mental and/or physical) regarding your living situation/job/kids/finances/lawyer.

If things get worse or are worse, then do it sooner or later. There are other ways to finance your surgery.

Take care, Shawn

[barbara465 2]

This is a difficult situation for sure. However, medical insurance would be an issue you would have to deal with in a divorce. In some divorce decrees it is written in that health insurance has to be provided for X amount of time. Also, he will take a big financial hit if you divorce. You need to ask yourself what would happen if you had a major illness or required surgery? It's not just the lapband surgery that you are facing. It could be anything.

Most divorces take time to get and work through. You are half way through the 6 months so you could have surgery in 4-5 months. Goes against my grain, but maybe laying low for a while will get you closer to the surgery. Once it is done you could start filing divorce papers. You might have to pay for aftercare, but that would be a smaller portion of the total costs.

Hope you can work all of this to your advantage. No one should have to submit to emotional blackmail.