Husband problems

sophrosyne · February 26, 2007

He sounds like a jackass. IMO.

When my husband took me off his insurance coverage, he had to prove to them that I was covered by another insurance plan before they would remove me.

Generally, they only let you remove spouses if:

1) you dissolve the marriage or

2) if the spouse gets other insurance or

3) without reason, if it's during the normal enrollment period.

4) he loses his job or takes a leave of absence and stops making payments.

If there's a way to get your own insurance to cover it instead, I would do that. I would also suggest YOU go to counseling. Regardless of his problems, there's a reason why you're in this marriage, why you let him treat you the way he does and why you're overweight. Work on you and your problems, and the rest will fall into place.

And you might get some tips on handling Mr. Sensitive over there. Now, I'm not a psychologist or anything, but here's my layman tips for the day:

1) Ignore him when he's a jackass. Attention - both positive and negative - reinforce behavior patterns. If he mutters something nasty about you, don't react to it. Things will only escalate. Ignore it as if he never said it.

2) React to him as if he's already the person you want him to be. Treat him in a positive way, as if he's being a real human, and trust that he'll rise to meet your expectations. If you expect him to be an asshole, he will be. If you expect him to be human, and treat him as if he's human, he'll feel totally guilty when he's a jackass, all on his own. And he'll slowly stop being a jackass.

3) Give him praise when he does the least little thing. Don't criticize or nag. Just tell him what a good boy he is and leave it at that. If he did the washing and destroyed your clothes, at least he DID the washing.

Hopefully, by the time your surgery is done and your weight is off, your marriage will be much better. If it isn't, you can always leave.

Right now, it seems like he's checked out of the marriage as it is. So I would just try to keep the conflicts to a minimum, while you get all your ducks in a row and take care of yourself, and decide what you want to do.

Of course, I should talk. My husband has his jackass moments too, and I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with them.

Betsyjane · February 26, 2007

He sounds depressed. If you decide to delay divorce, you might want to go to counseling to learn a different way to deal with his stuff while keeping your self esteem.

MarySue33 · February 27, 2007

She would only be entitled to benefits under COBRA if there were a divorce. Simply being taken off a spouse's policy gives her no rights at all.

That is incorrect. First...he cannot remove her from the policy unless there is a qualifying event and second...if she is removed from the policy...she is definitely eligible for COBRA.

Marimaru · February 27, 2007

I think it's good that you are going to get yourself out of a bad situation. Keep us updated on how you are doing, and let us know if we can support you in any way.

Alexandra · February 27, 2007

That is incorrect. First...he cannot remove her from the policy unless there is a qualifying event and second...if she is removed from the policy...she is definitely eligible for COBRA.

As I understand Federal COBRA law this is just not the case. Under the law she must have lost coverage due to a loss of eligibility in order for her to continue coverage. Simply being removed from her husband's policy is not considered a qualifying event for COBRA purposes. Divorce, widowhood, or her husband's losing coverage through his job would all be considered qualifying events, but not if he takes her off his plan for no particular reason.

As for whether he can take her off his plan outside of an open enrollment period, that may depend on various things, possibly including the company's own rules. I know in NJ, in both small and large employer groups, there's no need for any special reason to remove a dependent from a policy at any time. Different states may have different rules about that, but COBRA law (which governs the continuation rights) is federal.

gailannr · February 27, 2007

I'm sorry for your situation! Of course, we couldn't possibly know the details of your marriage...just what you tell us. No matter what the situation, what he is doing is plain wrong.
In my opinion, I'd lay low/kiss some butt and get the surgery. All the while, I'd PLAN my way out of this marriage. Make arrangements (mental and/or physical) regarding your living situation/job/kids/finances/lawyer.

If things get worse or are worse, then do it sooner or later. There are other ways to finance your surgery.

Take care, Shawn

I am with Shawn on this one. Kiss some butt, get the surgery and while your waiting for everything to come together. Start putting some money away somewhere for your get away. Why pay for it when Insurance will cover. I don't know about everyone else but $15-20,000 is alot of money where I come from. I would just as soon have that money to start a new life (including wardrobe) and let the insurance pay!

Shesha · March 2, 2007

According to www.understandcobra.com

Qualifying events are those events that would cause someone to lose health coverage and the type of qualify event will define who the qualified beneficiaries are and how long the health plan will have to offer coverage. If one of those events occurs below (such as reduction of hours) doesn’t result in the loss of health coverage, then technically it’s not a qualifying event (but at that point the distinction wouldn’t matter because the employee wouldn’t need COBRA since he or she would still be covered by his or her employer’s health plan).

As an employee, there are two types of qualifying events where COBRA would apply:

Termination (of employment) for any reason except gross misconduct.
Reduction in work hours.

As the spouse of an employee, there are five types of qualifying events where COBRA would apply:

Termination of the covered employee’s employment for any reason except gross misconduct.
Reduction work hours by the covered employee.
Covered employee becoming covered by Medicare.
Divoce or legal separation.
Death of covered employee.

As the dependent children of an employee, there is only one qualify event where COBRA would apply:

Loss of dependent child status.

MarySue33 · March 2, 2007

As I understand Federal COBRA law this is just not the case. Under the law she must have lost coverage due to a loss of eligibility in order for her to continue coverage. Simply being removed from her husband's policy is not considered a qualifying event for COBRA purposes. Divorce, widowhood, or her husband's losing coverage through his job would all be considered qualifying events, but not if he takes her off his plan for no particular reason.
As for whether he can take her off his plan outside of an open enrollment period, that may depend on various things, possibly including the company's own rules. I know in NJ, in both small and large employer groups, there's no need for any special reason to remove a dependent from a policy at any time. Different states may have different rules about that, but COBRA law (which governs the continuation rights) is federal.

You're right...if he drops her for no reason, she cannot get COBRA...but I still do not think he can drop her without a qualifying event if it is not during open enrollment. I guess I was misunderstanding that he was going to reduce his hours so neither of them would qualify for benefits any longer. If that is the case, she would definitely be eligible for COBRA. I'm still not so sure he can drop her just because he feels like it, though. In the three states in which I have worked in HR and benefits, employees could not make changes to policies -- except for due to qualifying events -- outside of the open enrollment period. We ran into this sort of thing pretty routinely in two different companies where I worked; when finances would get tight and folks would try to delete coverage and we could not allow them to do so. I felt sorry for a lot of them, but our hands were tied. However, just because it was true in three states does not mean it is true in all states.

At any rate...the best advice is that she probably check with her own policy provider or the benefits dept where he works. That way she will be getting accurate information for her own situation.

If you are an HR pro in NJ, I do not envy you. I know that you guys (and CA) are a whole lot different from a lot of other states, so you might have different rules than the rest of us. I remember sitting in workshops with HR folks from NJ, PA, MD and DE and every time they would bring up a law, the presenter would have to qualify it by saying..."But not for you people in NJ..." because your HR laws and regs are so different than the other three states. By ten minutes into the seminar, the lady next to me leaned over to me and said, "Geez...I am sure glad I don't have to do HR in NJ!"

Betsyjane · March 2, 2007

Check with your insurance company. Check with your insurnace company. Check with your insurance company.

MysticstarD · March 4, 2007

I wonder what he will do once you start loosing the weight and looking good. My ex husband would harrass me about my weight every day and to this day when I loose a significant amount of weight he inflates his cheeks and put his arms out and waddles to make fun of me and once I gained the weight back he would stop. Your husband sounds like that kind of person, like you are eating sensibly and he will bring a piece of cake and eat it in front of you.

Do you have a supportive group of people/ family around you? How long before you can have the surgery. It may not even be worth waiting for surgery day, get financing leave his arse behind.

People like that are not worth the time of day. This is just the beginning for him.

November Lily · March 4, 2007

Ya know Cascadian, I really want to thank you for this response. I don't have much in my life, but I do have self respect.
At this point in my life, I would rather not have to kiss my husbands ass just to remain on his health ins. I am planning to file for divorice next week and ask one of the hospitals where I work, if they could find more hours for me and make me a full time employee instead of an outside contractor.

I am determined to get the surgery and nothing is going to prevent me from moving along.

I also want to thank everyone who perticipated in this thread and gave me some real things to think about. You people are best!!!

Thank You, Janiee:)

Janiee, Ive just read this thread and want to wish you all the luck in the world. I hope everything works out exactly how you would like it to. :clap2:

Dani_d · March 7, 2007

Janiee

I've been thinking about your post for 2 days now, so I had to comment. No husband is worth making you feel bad, on top of him being LAZY. Get rid of him. You have already made the step to do the supervised diet, you will be able to manage to have the band without him one way or another.

Best of luck to you.

dani

GC53 · March 7, 2007

Mysticstars post prompted me to write.

I've been reading your post since it started and wanted to tell you to leave the **$$%%%!!!! but it is a decision no-one can make for you. Only you know how bad things are and only you can decide what would be the best course of action. Friends gave me advice all the time but in the end I had to make the decision for myself.

I was married to a bully for 15 years and had small children and very overweight. He made fun of me constantly. I lost my mum and went through a very bad time with no support from him. Met up with an old sweetheart and started to meet him [purely as a friend] - my self esteem suddenly came back and I lost 56lbs. My prick of a husband stopped me in the kitchen one day and said "mmmmm I think I'll start f***ing you again now you're thin" - Needless to say he didn't, I dumped him and went on to marry my sweetheart [we Celebrate our tenth wedding anniversary the week after next] Unfortunately I am struggling with that ol' weight problem again but my band is being fitted Sunday.

Do it - but do it for yourself - you can't stay with someone who constantly tortures you mentally - who the hell does he think he is.

Betsyjane · March 7, 2007

I just don't get it. Not knowing you, who are we to tell you to leave him? That's a huge decision, hopefully based on more that just internet info. Go see a counselor and talk it out. Weigh it carefully and then decide for yourself. If a bully has made decisions for you, it isn't going to help if we do the same thing. YOU make this decision, in your own best interests.