Husband problems

[Wheetsin 714]

Woah woah... slow down for a sec.

My cursed objectivity, perhaps, but I see lots of "divorce" and "use him to get your surgery, then leave him" being thrown around. But you haven't indicated any ongoing relationship problems. Everything you've mentioned is around his threatening to remove you from his policy. Are there more problems? Or is it possible that you're not seeing some turmoil that he's going through? (power, insecurities, uncertainties, etc.) My husband was a little Jerky before I had my surgery because he was afraid something would go wrong and he would lose me. He didn't know wha to do with those fears, and they ended up coming out in less-than-desirable behavior.

Do you guys really think that "when he gets mad he threatens to remove me from his coverage" really warrants ending a marriage, or compromising integrity and happiness in order to use someone for a surgery?

Obviously we don't know much about your situation, but I think that him threatening to remove you from his policy is FAR from reason to end the marriage, or use him just to get the surgery and dump him afterwards.

Surgery can be a very emotionally charged situation. Especially weightloss surgery and all the hype around risks and complications, and fear of future changes. Will she leave me once she loses the weight? Will I have more "competition" and need to worry about things? Will I still be attractive to her if she loses weight and I haven't? Etc.

And if it happens around more than the surgery, then its his way of feeling in control.

A lot of people refue to go to counseling. It doesn't mean they don't care. Especially in the case of insecure men, they fear being told "it's your fault". You know how guys sometimes won't go to the doctor even though they know something is wrong, because they don't want to "officially" hear what the problem is? This is the same kind of situation. Girls, too - for sure - but guys in particular are really finicky about this kind of stuff.

Maybe just take a step back and consider his situation and see if you can identify anything that would be causing him distress. Marriage is a two-way street. If he's just a jerk, then that's fine. But if this is atypical behavior (and I have the sense that it is, , you need to open up some communication and talk about fears and concerns, what's eating him, and how he's manifesting those emotions.

Ok, that's my advice, worth exactly what you paid for it.

[spldgrl 0]

I feel for you, hang in there! Do some soal searching for your answers. If you were to hold on, how long do you approximate until surgery? How long have you been married? Is this a jealousy thing, on his part?

Best of luck to you,

contact an attorney in your area for their professional advice??

[MEW 0]

I'm going to add my two cents in here, for all its worth. Sounds to me like the husband is having insecurities and "might" feel like he is going to lose his wife regardless. So, holding the insurance coverage over her head could just be his way of keeping her?

I know when I first approached my husband about having lap band surgery (I'm still in the waiting stages) his first comment was..."You're not going to get skinny and leave me, are you?" After assuring him that I wanted to have the surgery so I could live longer to be with him, he has become very supportive!

[Alexandra 55]

Sigh.... men can be so childish, can't they?

Of course Wheetsin's right (as always!). I didn't want to give the impression that I thought you should end the marriage over this. Just that, from an insurance perspective, spouses have no rights while ex-spouses do.

[tonya66 13]

What a jerk! Kiss his butt, have the surgery - lose the weight, and watch whose butt will be kissed then - YOURS.

Hang in there, sounds like you just have 3 or 4 months to go.

A loving husband should not be treating you like that! He needs to be more supportive, that is what marriage is about, not blackmail!

He might be going thru a lot of emotions too. Scared, worried, insecure? Counseling might just be the the answer.

Anyhow, I wish you the best!

[marjon9 6]

Woah woah... slow down for a sec.

Do you guys really think that "when he gets mad he threatens to remove me from his coverage" really warrants ending a marriage, or compromising integrity and happiness in order to use someone for a surgery?

Obviously we don't know much about your situation, but I think that him threatening to remove you from his policy is FAR from reason to end the marriage, or use him just to get the surgery and dump him afterwards.

Surgery can be a very emotionally charged situation. Especially weightloss surgery and all the hype around risks and complications, and fear of future changes. Will she leave me once she loses the weight? Will I have more "competition" and need to worry about things? Will I still be attractive to her if she loses weight and I haven't? Etc.

And if it happens around more than the surgery, then its his way of feeling in control.

A lot of people refue to go to counseling. It doesn't mean they don't care.

I understand where you are hailing from on this, Wheetsin, and of course one comment from a man doth not endeth a marriage. But when you read the posts from janiee, you must admit, one can hear the echoes of much more than this one comment.

[Randi 0]

I am so upset. I am almost halfway through my six months of supervised diet to get approved with my ins and everytime my husband gets really mad at me he threatens to take me off of his ins. I am on his ins plan because I work for myself and getting ins for myself would be way too expensive. Today, he picked up the phone and started to call the ins co. and I ran out of the room crying. He knows how much this means to me and he is holding it over my head.:cry

Any advice?

Janiee

Janiee,

What I don't quite understand from your posts are the reasons why your husband is getting so mad at you that he's threatening removing you from his insurance policy. Obviously, he knows the surgery is important to you. So, is there something else going on that you're willing to share in this thread? Otherwise, any advice we offer you would be a shot in the dark.

My husband became very quiet and withdrawn as my surgery date approached. Although I had opted for the least invasive weight loss surgery, one of the risks was death. I knew that; he knew that. We both had to deal with that fact in our own way.

So, I can easily imaging that a husband who may not be comfortable with his wife having this elective surgery may "act out" in a way such as you described -- threatening to call the insurance company, removing you from the policy thus preventing the surgery. Problem solved . . . at least in his eyes.

So, if you feel comfortable, please share the rest of your story.

[piercedqt78 658]

Have you considered going to counseling alone. Amazing things happen when one improves, most of the time the other wants to improve themselves also. I would talk to your husband and tell him that you need this for health reasons, not vanity reasons. There is a study going right now about couples that have problems after weightloss or other major life changes. I know my husband was worried about me leaving after I lost the weight. I am still here and only 15 pounds from my goal. I love him more than ever, only now I can enjoy time with him without the extra weight. He still worries that I will leave, and sometimes jokes that as soon as a younger, hotter guy comes along I will leave. (not gonna happen) He didn't want me to have surgery, but now that I have, he is happy for me and proud of my weight loss. I wish you the best, it's hard to do this without support, and even harder to do with someone directly fighting your chances. I hope you are able to work this out. ~Mandy

[Wheetsin 714]

But when you read the posts from janiee, you must admit, one can hear the echoes of much more than this one comment.

I honestly don't. But absolutely, it's entirely possible. And I haven't read any of her posts outside of this thread, so perhaps other stories have been shared that I'm not considering.

[o2bthin 0]

Janiee, medically supervised diets are not required with self-pay.

For the record, Lap-Bands can be found south of the border for $7000.00.

That being said, it sounds like your dh isn't on board with your surgery. Do you know why? Is he fully informed? Scared? Insecure?

How is your relationship otherwise, if you don't mind me asking?

[SeeMeBeMe2 0]

Call and Check the insurance most policies will only let you make a change once a year so check and see how much time you have before he can change the policy and remove you maybe you can get the insurance to cover you before he can remove you. if you live in Houston,Tx Dr. Speigel (713-960-0003) is really fast about getting his patients approved,with him you don't have to wait the 3 month period as most doctors. I've seen some of his patients get approved in 2 weeks

[Alexandra 55]

Janiee, medically supervised diets are not required with self-pay.

Well, that depends on the doctor. In most cases it's an insurance requirement, but it's not impossible that a doctor might impose a pre-op diet regimen to weed out noncompliant candidates. But you're right, with self-pay it's much less likely to be needed.

[janiee 0]

Hi Everyone and thank you soooo much for your advice,comments and thoughts.

Here is a quick history of why he is so mad at me. I have tried to figure out why he threatens to take me off of his Ins policy. I know that he is still mad at me because I hounded him to get 12 more hours at work so that we could have full benefits. He was working 24 hours a week for three years and with just 12 more hours we could have pretty good Ins. So he relunctantly got another 12 hours added on and he is still mad at me that he has to work 12 extra hours a week. All in all it's really 36 hours a week(three 11 hour shifts a week and now we are covered.(my husband hates to work) well so do I but I work a full schedule and go to school. So this is my punishment everytime he gets mad at me. He threatens to quit work or drop me from Ins.

He says he dosent care one way or another if I were to get the lapband surgery. He also says that he dosent think I will leave him after I get the weight off.

here is a typical conversation~

Are you unhappy that I am on your health ins policy?-NO

Do you want me to have lapband?-I don't care

Do you think I would ever leave you after I lose the weight?-No

Can we have a real talk?-Not now I'm busy

Can we go to counseling?-You can

He doesnt talk alot, quite reserved, holds in everything but I bet the bottom line is that he is still mad that I hounded him for two years to pick up 12 more hours so that we could recieve full benefits. And now I am getting hell for that.

Oh he is not physically abusive but goes for several days without talking to me when I have done something to make him mad, and most of the time I have no clue what set him off. I guess that since the health Ins and lapband are so important to me right now, he is using those as tools to punish me by threatening to pull the plug on my journey.

[marjon9 6]

janiee, I'm just curious, are there some good times with your husband as well? How long have you been married?

[janiee 0]

Been married for 4 years, no kids. We do have some fun times, but mostly a very dull life together.:straight