Shrinking Violets -- April 07 Bandsters

[TerriDoodle 6]

Oh, and also..... (sorry).... I think about this often.....as I said before, when I was in college I was pretty thin but didn't feel like it. And since I had been ugly and fat growing up (and I'm not kidding about the ugly part!!) I never could understand why such good looking men were attracted to me. Looking back on it, I mean you should have seen the guys I dated!! Not model types, but really cute guys!! Wait, now that I think about it, I did have one date with a model! Ha!! And I always felt so awkward....like what the hell am I doing here??? I'm ugly and fat!! Weird. I even had 2 gorgeous guys, who were best friends, 'fighting over me'....and I ended up marrying one of 'em, my now-ex. I just have never seen me the way other people see me. Never. I still see that ugly 13 year old with mousy brown hair, fat, buck teeth, braces and pimples. Nightmare DeLuxe.

[TerriDoodle 6]

I'm posting this just so nobody can break my record of FIVE posts IN A ROW!! lol

[Daisalana 33]

LOL Terri!

I was the opposite growing up.. I was always always overweight, mom said since I was born. I never really thought about it. I hated that I always had to wear mens clothes when I was in elementary school, but it also had to do with my height (I was TALL from the get go). And I later found out, guys like tall women! I never obsessed with my weight till I graduated high school. In HS I had HOT b/f's and I was with a model for a while too, he went on to be an actor for MGM lol (I still haven't seen him anything, but he's proud). I guess my self-esteem covered up the fact I was fat.. that's what my friends told me when I finished high school and began saying things like 'wow I'm fat.' heh.

I had a lot of friends, I was always in the 'in' circles.. when HS was over, everything changes. New places, nervousness of being away from home for the first time (I graduated early and went to college dorm life right after turning 17.. then Sept. 11 happened and it was the straw that broke the camel's back). But anyway, I kind of slowly realized just how big I really was. Then I dieted 'for real', wishing I could be anorexic for a year and get it over with.. of course, that didn't happen! I actually knew people in HS who did that.. one friend lost a lot of weight, she lived on 1 reese cup a day.. another friend who lost a lot of weight by not eating anymore for about 8 months. I thought I was just a failure for not having the self-control. Then I did Atkins, did great.. but couldn't stick to it forever, I think 6 months and 50-70lbs down (I didn't keep records and I forget the very lowest I got), I caved in and had a donut.. and then bread..and then a potato and it all went down hill.. and I gained it back plus at least 30lbs more. I went on Atkins when I hit 300lbs for the first time, I should add I did gain weight out of high school too. I think I was about 270lbs when I graduated. My back problems started, became crippled for a while, finally found back shots that were temporary.. blah blah blah.. Now here I am. BTW my UPPER back is killing me this morning. In the past years I become more and more conscious of my weight. I'm finally seeing it (but only when naked).. when I'm dressed, I still think I look damn sexy!!

[Jennifur 0]

TracyK - Like I said, try fiberone Cereal, you can have it in milk or in yogurt which is what I do. I also keep sunchips in the house for Snacks, they help too. I actually make nachos out of them or eat them plain.

I was more like Terry - I always thought I was fat and ugly - I was chubby but not horrible, I was 150 in HS then when grad up to 175 then back down to 145 and I worked hard for that. at 145 I was wearing a small/med and was so happy with myself. Growing up at those weights, I thought I was fat, in 1st grade, they made fun of me because i was chubby - then put on a little more... in grade school, they made fun of me and were so much meaner. when i went to hs, i changed districts. I always had boys interested in me, was engaged after hs, and found out my df had cheated on me, ok. he was in the navy and it happened... not to make excuses, he came back, begged me back, was done with his duty, wanted to take care of me and my unborn child, i said nope, was in love with dbf (yes same one as today) wonder why I have commitment isues. Anyway this guy, my bff, who was in love with me but had accepted where we were, killed himself 3 years ago this month - there was rumor it had to do with me. I gained a shitload of weight after that and with issues with dbf - I went from 220 to 278 in a matter of less than a year.

I couldnt figure out why i was just such a mess this week and last night it hit me. ANNIVERSARY of his death - I always get sad but I AM NOT going to get into a funk. I am going to the cemetary today or tomorrow and have my talk with him and get my lazy ass up and get to the gym. I do go to the cemetary every 4-6 weeks and I think it is much closer to the 6 at this point. I miss him.

wow i can't beleive all that came out. anyway, now i'm back down to 214 where i was before my son, and i was happy and confident then, but now i still feel like a complete fat ass. HOW FRUSTRATING

btw - i fell back asleep right after my last post at 8:19 and just getting up about 1/2 hr ago

[kity 2]

Morning Violets~

This is an interesting line of thinking. Self-esteem. I've been chubby since I was about 6. It began w/ the divorce when I was 5, through "time on the couch", I've learned that my weight gain is a result of my "abandonment issues"...stemming from the divorce and a young mom who was somewhat emotionally unavailable. Anywho...I started "chubbing up". My mom always told me I was beautiful, smart, and that I could be the president if I wanted. I mean it. If I ever got in trouble, it was not my fault, but "your g-damn friends...". My weight was never an issue...I was beautiful. I had what I coined "reverse anorexia". I looked in the mirror and saw a beautiful woman. I never felt fat. Now, I knew that I was "bigger" than most, but it never hindered me. I got every job I ever wanted...every man I ever wanted (yes, I used to date men)...and everything I ever wanted. My weight was a non issue. I was just fabulous as I was. I actually wrote to Oprah and said she should do a show about "reverse anorexia"...that when I look in the mirror, I saw a sexy woman, not the weight.

At 240 pounds, I still felt fearless. I was sexy...and loving life. But it was the last 30 pounds that I started feeling fat. My body changed, and I wasn't proportionate anymore. You all know the rest.

I got the band.

But it is interesting to note how self-esteem governs our lives, and thoughts.

Ta Ta For Now (TTFN)

[TerriDoodle 6]

Hmmm. I never thought about this in these terms...but I definitely started gaining weight after the age of 8, when my father died in a small plane crash. My relationship with him was painful for me. I was always wanting his attention but felt rejected constantly. i annoyed him. Either he had his nose either behind the newspaper, was yelling at me or was at the bar. He was mostly at the bar. When I was 21 my mother told me what a real asshole he was and how he emotionally abused her very badly and cheated on her constantly. Surely I have abandonment issues too....I have a rough who-needs-you attitude, too. How's that for transparency?

[Jennifur 0]

Terry - wow - you are such a strong person

I can only blame myself for my self destruct, and I feel myself falling again. this is take control of my life, so that is what i'm going to do.

I have been feeling sorry for myself again.. NO MORE. I am eating lunch and then going for a walk with ds and then i'm going to take the kids to the drive ins tonight. I feel trapped in my house and it is not a nice feeling - all my fiends are mostly married and are all off doing the family thing this holiday weekend - so pitty party me.

[GR8 1]

They have cucumbers ready to pickle, green Beans ready to pick & snap, and corn ready to cut, and deal with---lots to be done....right when the person responsible for them having such a huge garden...is gone! If you guys were close, I'd be dropping squash and tomatoes off on your porches!!! I guess I will make salsa, whether I really want to or not!!!

Kat

Hi Kat - I have a great recipe for sweet pickles / bread & butter pickles - it does take 13 days but way so good in tuna and chicken salad.

They do not need to be refridgerated after completion - can be kept in the pantry.

If you are interested I will send to you!

Gina (catching up slowly - still on page 402! -hahaha)

[Kat817 19]

Hi all---we are back safe & sound!!! What a great weekend! Yesterday we rode up to the Rally in the Rockies---spent an enjoyable day. Took a few little excursion rides, bought some shirts, and junk, saw old friends, some we meet up with at several rallies, others just this rally. Every year at this rally I see my old boyfriend....he was so doggone cute in 2nd grade!!! Now we compare pics of our grandbabies, and we always had a beer together. He was is shock at me this year, and I had no beer!!! Today we rode up to the innaugural year of the Sugar Pine Ranch Rally. It was in the mountains, on an actual working ranch, lakes, and mountains, and horses, and cows, and acres and acres of fields, filled with vendors, and beer tents, and live bands---it had a defintive feel of Woodstock. Not that I was there....but the open fields, and music stages....not the drugs around that I hear were there. But it was lots of fun!! Ran into some friends from Flagstaff AZ. Rick and I went to run to a small nearby town to grab something for my eyes---allergies were killer! It was threatening rain, so I grabbed my leather jacket. When we come back he went to help me off with my jacket, and told me we needed to shop, my jacket looked like hell! Such a romantic he is!!! So we shopped the leather vendors, and I got a new leather jacket!!! My old one, is a mans classic leather bike jacket. The new one is made for a woman!! Before I could never get one to fit! This one is cut in a girl shape, hourglass kind of. It is short, with the leather braid to match my chaps. And it is an XL. Which still sounds big, but one of the friends we went up with is a little bitty thing, she wears a size 7 pants, but has some boobs---she had to buy a Large vest, so with her buying that, I felt much, much better about requiring a XL!!! Rick told me repeatedly how good it looked, I felt like it was too snug, and my belly too big to wear the shorter style---but hey he likes it, and it is him I want to look my best for---so I wore it

Was a great weekend, and I did really well with my eating until tonight....we were getting ready to leave, and I could not leave without my fix!!! But one single slice of chocolate covered cheesecake was it! Usually several are required to satisfy me!!!! Along with numerous other things bad for me---this time I did really well, til the last minute!!!

Gina---I'd love the recipe!

All you guys with your stories---mine is pretty lame! I was a thin child, married the first time at 17, I am 5'9" and struggled to get up to 116 pounds to fill out my dress!!! That husband cheated, repeatedly. Had one child with him, lost another...gained about 20 pounds over the time. Married again---#2 was EXTREMELY abusive. He made a comment one time about a fat woman---warning me if I ever looked like that he would leave my ass. I went straight to GNC, and bought a canister of weight gain, used by wrestlers! Seriously---I worked hard to gain weight, and was good at it. I found myself pregnant, and seriously unhappy about it. Strongly considered abortion, but was told I was further along than they thought---I was uninsured, and ultrasound was not cheap. A month later, when I still measured large, they were concerned enough to pay a little more attention, and found I was carrying twins. I was severely depressed...I did not want any children with the man I was married to, he was incredibly mean. He threatened to hurt my family if I did not stay in line, and he proved it a time or 2 with friends, hospitalizing one---horrid man. He hospitalized me twice here as well. Eventually he wanted to move from the area, go where his family was, so mine would not see the babies. I saw it as my only chance to escape harm for my family. At an appointment it was discovered I was carrying in a placenta previa position, which was going to require C-section. He was furious. Financially it was devastating. He left with his step Dad, come home drunk, and proceeded to try to kill me. Perhaps if he hadn't been so drunk he would have succeeded. I lived, my babies did not. I suffered massive guilt, I had never wanted those innocent boys---I grew to love them, but I knew they were headed to a hard life hiding from an abusive father---I would never have let him in their lives. I was working on getting out alive, it may sound trite, but it is 100% seriously said. The mental state I was in, was beyond description. Guilt, anger, despair, more guilt....and the weight come on...with a vengeance! I ate to cover up all the feelings I had no idea how to control, and it had an added benefit, no men looked at me. They were dangerous. I raised my daughter, and ate. Then an old friend and I went out, and we run into Rick and another friend from High School. Which I knew them, they were safe. Unless you count the fact that he stole my heart! And he has yet to return it! He never EVER mentioned to me that the skinny girl from HS got fat. He loved me the way I was. But he sure seems to like me getting thinner, he says that yeah it is sexier, but he loves knowing I am healthier. With the year he has had health wise, it is something he worries about.

Next year is my 30th class reunion, and I fully intend on going, and not being fat anymore.

OK, I am off to bed, it was a long, fun weekend, and I am tired!!!! Hope Tracy had as much fun as I did!!!!

Kat

[TracyK 3]

Welcome back Kat-glad you had a good time.

Terri-you are right, it is amazing what .1 cc can do!!!

Well, I have been fat my whole life. Never one time did I have a boyfriend in highschool. Never one date, no prom, no homecoming dance...nothing. (I was a virgin until I was 28, if that tells you anything).

Once when I was 27 years old and I weighed about 325...I kept having a dream over & over. The dream was simple...I was in the hospital and I had just had a baby boy. My mom & sisters were there and I was holding my new baby. Then when I woke up I was really crying. It took days for me to figure out what that dream meant....why would I be crying after a dream like that? At that time in my life, my worst fear was a dr telling me that I would not be able to get pregnant being the size that I was. Then I took a long look into myself decided OK, what is keeping me from having my dreams come true....the answer was ME....I was keeping myself from being happy. What a revelation that was. So, over the next year and a half, I lost down to 163 pounds. I had never been happier...until I married a drug head and yada yada yada, gained the alot of the weight back (thank God not all of it) lost all my self esteem once again. Anyway, long story short...I divorced the bottom dweller, yo yo dieted, 4 years later met & married the love of my life and now have a beautiful 4 year old daughter. They are my reason to want to live....and here I am!! Bouncing between 205 and 206, but I know I will make it, I just know I will.

Everyone have a great labor day!!

[Jennifur 0]

Kat - that is just so horrible, but it sounds like Rick was worth the wait.

there is hope for me yet. LOL

TracyK- me, no prom, homecomming either.... i so regret that sometimes

we went to drive ins last night, saw ratatulli (sp) it was actually really cute. my phone range early so i'm up, going to enjoy my last day and then shake central here i come! I have a horrible yeast infection which is just horribly uncomfortable - I have to go get some meds this morning, but since I'm running with no health ins, i pray it works..I've had much worse but this one is obnoxious, not getting worse or better, just hanging around.. I KNOW TMI... sorry I have super sensitive skin and changed laundry detergent (mom picked it up) and then i got this, i have ezma rashes popping out all over my body. I am ready to re wash all my stuff, even if one has nothing to do with the other - or does it.

Uneventful Labor day planned for today, we are just going to hang out, may go apple picking, the orchard opened up on the 1st. going to Shampoo carpets and move furniture.

I hope everyone has a good day - off to Breakfast with mom and the kids.

[kity 2]

Kat,

Your story took my breath away. I guess good things do come to those who wait. Hugs

[TerriDoodle 6]

Good Morning .... Man, it sure is quiet when everyone's out of town!!

We all have our war stories, don't we??? It just goes to show you that everyone has endured pain in their lives and has crosses to bear....some more than others. In the end we're all in this together and the journey is so much better when we're arm-in-arm.

Don't you love it when you think you've just totally blown your 'diet' then go to count calories and find you didn't do nearly as bad as you think?? Thank you, BAND!! I could have sworn yesterday that I ate like a horse. When I counted up, then subtracted exercise I was at 1100 calories for the day...w/ 97g of protein! Today I plan to do better. I graze when I'm at home all day!!

I'm really struggling with wanting a cigarette the last couple of days....don't know why now. But I'm hanging in there. 13 days.

I am really starting to stress about the upcoming conflict with my ex-husband, his drinking and other issues and custody of the children. I have a consult with my attorney tomorrow and hopefully he will be served with some kind of papers in the next couple of weeks. It is such a long story and I don't feel like getting into it, but 5 years ago my kids decided they wanted to move in with their dad because they missed their friends, schools, etc. (When I got married to DH we moved to a new neighborhood.) It was a very painful time in my life in that regard but we have made it work and my children adore me....probably because coming to my house is more like vacation than being at home! (I love to spoil them when they're here!) The ex and I have a very good working relationship when it comes to the kids...usually...and he is a good dad with the best of intentions. The problem is that he goes thru periods where he drinks waaaay too much....usually on the weekends when they'll have friends or neighbors over to BBQ....things like that, but sometimes more often. The problem is that he doesn't know when to quit drinking once he starts and gets very sloppy, sometimes angry, combative and even violent. When we were married his rage was always directed at me. When we went to counseling the counselor immediately focused on his drinking which he thought was a terrible injustice and so deemed that the counseling process was a bunch of hogwash. End of that process. When we had children (after 10 yrs of marriage) things got worse between us. I had a busy, busy job, 2 little kids and a husband who was like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. When he raged at me and my little son was staring at him pale and shaking....I said THAT IS IT. NO MORE. I left. Fast forward to today. He's remarried to a nice woman but she has him by the short hairs and runs that house like a manic control freak. He cannot go pee without her permission. Fine, I don't care what goes on between them....but the point is that he cannot rage at HER now. He rages at my children and they are finally telling me the truth of what really goes on in that house. They never did before because they knew that I would FREAK OUT, call him and rip him a new one.....which inevitably would result in getting the KIDS in trouble....get it?? So they kept it to themselves for too long. Now they are at the age where they have a VOICE in the court system and we are going for it. Our goal is to get him into AA or treatment, otherwise for me to get custody. Change in custody would be difficult for a number of reasons, most of all because it would require a change in schools...and my son is a senior in high school and my daughter is in her last (very successful) year of junior high. If he doesn't get into treatment (which he will resist with every Fiber of his being--because he doesn't think he needs it) I've got a helluva problem on my hands. The easiest solution I can think of is to rent an apartment in their district and just say that its my address. Damn expensive alternative, eh? All my child support would be going for a stupid apartment....but only for a fewmonths, I guess. Anyway, ya'll will be hearing a lot about this in the coming weeks 'cause the shit is gonna hit the fan!!!

I'm going to bead. <sigh>

[Daisalana 33]

Terri- Sounds like your ex is like my DH when he drinks. I just really don't understand how that happens. I rarely drink, and even rarer- get drunk. But when I have been drunk, I'm just loopy and goofy and I love everyone and everything is great! My DH, I can count on one hand the times he's gotten drunk since we met 7-ish years ago.. And in the beginning, we broke up twice, both times because he got drunk. He' so mean and verbally abusive. He's never ever hit me, and I don't think he ever would, but since it's not his personality to treat me like sh*t, when he's drunk and does it, I just don't get it!!! Like at this concert when he was drunk, I was trying to figure out what was happening to his brain.. what did the alcohol do??? Unlock a dark side of his brain or what?!

If he did it every weekend at our family get togethers, I would be MORTIFIED. I don't know how you put up with it

Like I said earlier this week, my DH is not allowed to get drunk in front of me ever again. I tried it at a time when he had nothing to be mad or upset about, and he turned it into a big drama. He does have beer once in a while, when we go bowling or hockey games.. but he doesn't get drunk, and drinking a couple beers doesn't make him turn into mr. crazy-ass.

I'm going to Tunica again this weekend.. with my parents & granny.. DH is staying behind again. I kind of like going to casinos without DH.. when I win and he loses, I have to fork over all my winnings to him and he still just mopes around the place saying how unlucky he is! But this last time I went by myself, I took $300 and came home with $800 and had a great time.. my parents win or lose, are always happy.. which is like me, if I lose all my money I'm still in a great mood just being on vacation and watching others play (family). I'm playing in a couple WSOP circuit events this weekend, so won't be a lot of slot machines this time. Doing a Ladies Only event.. should be fun, I've never done a ladies only.. I've always been the only woman at my tables! And men are jerks in poker toward women.. they don't want me there, and they don't care if I know it (think it has to do with the fact I look 16 too)! Which makes it all the merrier when I knock them out I finished on 1 final table so far, it was 2000 people and I was 2nd in chips by the final table, and I went all-in against the chip leader.. was stupid move on my part. I didn't have anything that great, but I think I was tired and irritated this same guy kept bullying me around.. he had pocket A's, and I finished in 5th place.. was a few grande in cash! So wish me luck this weekend, I want to win some more grandes! Pay off all our new furniture lol.

Yesterday was family cookout day, and yes, it's so nice when I think I grazed and overdid it, I just finished myplate adding it up, and I had 1400 calories. Wooohooo. DH didn't go to sleep last night, he's been up playing video games all night.. gonna see if I can go convince him to go to bed now!

[mdrai 3]

Hello Violets,

Back from our soccer tournament weekend... ds's team won their division! Yay!

Got a fill on Friday... still on "mushies"... I definitely have to eat more slowly... still not sure this is my "sweet" spot... time will tell, I guess. Same weight as Fri.

Make it a great day!