Shrinking Violets -- April 07 Bandsters

[lunasa 1]

Hello everyone...

Can't remember if I last posted fri or sat but I feel like it was a week ago with all the catching up I've just read!!

I'll have to officially change my ticker now...I am up 2.5lbs from my firt goal.. Last week I had gained 3.5lbs and this week that's only come down by 1lb....is this my first plateau?

I don't like counting calories but to keep track I am counting WW points.. My allowance is 25 per day..but I stay around 20.. I have no problem reaching my daily points limit and I havent come caross any problem foods yet...although I am still sticking to the mushy varieties..ie tuna, eggs, potatoes, yoghurt etc..

I guess the powers that be are teaching me right now that I have to earn my success!! I was ecstatic 2 weeks ago when I reached my first goal weight but that was also the last day of liquids and the weight had really just fallen off during that time.

This is so challenging for me, normally this regain would drive me up the wall and I would SOO give up & complain that "I can't live a normal life & loose weight" "One night out in a week juat makes a loss impossible" etc etc...I caught my old self fleeting around me this week as I felt partially drawn into that frame of mind.

But there is a new voice now, offering reassurance belief & patience telling me that I can learn to live & loose and I can have a life and loose this weight, I don't have to be a hermit or be a ball of frustration. I have to honor & aknowledge this voice & thank it & when I get back down to my original frist goal weight I will reward this voice with gratitude & love and make a stronger bond with it against the old one.

I find it hard to know that things have slowed down and started to bounce but I also have to remember that what I am learning here is for life. And for the first time I have put PATIENCE and CONVICTION and BELIEF at the top of my priority list in learning how to cope and succeed at something I have done blindly, ingratefully and bitterly my whole life...

So today I am Up 2.5lbs from my 1st goal weight and I still love myself enough to accept that...xxx I am for the first time ever in my life in love with me!!! LOL!! (DH better watch out!!)

[TerriDoodle 6]

Mdrai - I want you to search for my post (from March, I think) called "Would You Do It Again?"....it's a poll with around 200 responses. The percentages are 92+% Yes, 7% No. How can you argue with those percentages?? 92%!!!

The other thing that I've been thinking about this weekend is this: After that inital big weight loss, I've been losing an average of about 1 - 1.5# per week. My calories probably average 1000-1100 per day (net after exercise). If that's what it would have taken for me to lose this weight without a band, I could have NEVER NEVER NEVER done that. Like all of you, I've dieted a hundred times but it would come off very slowly....so slowly that I'd get discouraged and give up. Then I'd gain....again...and again...and again. I've seen the scale do NOTHING but go up for 3 years. With my blood sugar issues and the need for constant food intake, I could never keep my calories below 1400-1500/day for any real length of time. Ok, well that may be only my issue...but that is my story...and I could never have lost the weight I needed to lose. I am truly very, very happy that I did this. There is REAL hope for the first time in my entire life that I will be able to get down to a reasonable weight, maintain it and be healthy. The value of getting that %#*^! monkey off my back is absolutely priceless.

You may feel differently, but that's where I sit right now. I'm not in the business of trying to convince you to have the surgery or not have it. But just know that your fears of "not being able to eat normally" are founded on your habits of today. I cannot emphasize enough that your perspective about food will shift and take on much less importance for you.

I've said enough.

Best of luck with your final decision and your pre-op jitters. I know how you feel and it's kinda scarey.

[lunasa 1]

Mdrai...

I second terri's response...

I made my decision based on an honest stock take of my past experiences with WL... I made my decision quickly also because if I had hummed & hawed about the pro's & con's I would probably have wasted a lot of time...

Remember you are in control of your behaviour with the band...If you are a good band girl, you won't or shouldn't have many if any problems, you determine your successes and or failures...

I freaked out with questions & possible complication scenarios and I stopped reading negative threads, as they are after all threads discussing "complications"!!

What you are going through is your bold self trying to talk you out of a discipline you are going to have to adopt... It is your "inner binger" fighting for things not to change

You will be fine & you will be happy you made the decision..

If you did give it one more honest try yourself, how far would you get before you hit the inevitable bump again and you'll find yourself either regaining & devastated of you'll find yourself wishing you had gotten the band and your BMI may be below what qualifies you to have it..

What is your history? What can you learn from it?

[TerriDoodle 6]

Mdrai...

What you are going through is your bold self trying to talk you out of a discipline you are going to have to adopt... It is your "inner binger" fighting for things not to change

And this point is HUGE. It's not just your "inner binger"....it's the most basic of your instincts, the instinct for survival, that tells you "DON'T CHANGE ANYTHING....I'm doing an excellent job of survival!! Look at all this extra energy I've stored!!" That is a powerful and real instinct that is trying to hold you back. In order to overcome it you have to engage your positive powerful emotions, the higher part of your brain, and stay focused on the EXCITING part of this adventure!! And it's awesome!!!

[mdrai 3]

Thank you SO much for your responses. It means SO MUCH to me that you all will take your time to talk me off the ledge.... that you care... about me... someone you've never met! just some "internet" person... it's amazing... I think that *this* is what the Internet was designed for... to bring friends together who would've never met in RL otherwise... it's amazing...

I'm actually tearing up as I'm typing this... I am overwhelmed by the support and encouragement that I receive from you... the calm reassurances...

I agree that it's my "inner binger" who is making a last-ditch effort w/all her might to keep me from getting rid of her for once & for all. She's pulling out all the stops -- and dam, she's good!

I, too, poured over the "B&A's" last night... amazing stuff there!

Negative, scary thoughts continue to weedle their way into my head... but what I'm noticing about them is that they seem to be all "what if" scenarios... and NO ONE can answer those! No one can predict the future -- for better or for ill! So do I continue on and try to do this (again x infinity) "on my own" and I would expect things to be as they are now... basically happy & as healthy as someone w/MO can be (and to be honest I need to acknowledge that the chances are that my health will only deterioriate if everything else stayed the same)... or do I take a leap of faith and try something new w/the hopes of a better outcome? Still happy but healthIER? (It's the other option, that it'll create more problems than it solves that keeps coming back to me... grrrrr...)

Ping-pong... back & forth... so goes the debate in my head...

I wish I didn't have so much time until surgery...

BUT... even in the face of all this debate & decision... I remain "perfect" on the liquid diet AND, What's MORE ... after I put dd on the bus this a.m., I drove to the park and WALKED 20 MINS! I enjoyed the gorgeous spring morning and the birds & the breeze & the gurgling brook... so it seems to me that even tho my head is in disarray, it would appear that my BODY just keeps on doing the right thing...

sigh... why does change have to be so hard?????

[TerriDoodle 6]

Ok Mdrai -- It took me almost an hour (ok, a half hour!) to put this post together so you better READ IT!! :whip:

Just for whatever this is worth to you.... a little retrospective of where you've been in the last few weeks....

3/19

IMHO...Don't change your date. Breathe. Calm down. Try not to think too much (it always makes me crazy!). Focus on the positives and don't go reading so much into every little thing. It'll all be ok. We're here for you. We understand. Think calm thoughts. Be kind to yourself. Shower others with love. Get doing & thinking of others & take the focus off yourself. Get out of the downward spiral of self-absorption/over-analysis. Surround yourself w/beauty & peace. It's all good...

You get the idea! Whatever cliche or life truth works for you as far as calming you down & smoothing the rough edges & getting you through the next few weeks in one piece.

Best of luck to everyone as we get closer & the excitement of our futures changes into scary reality!!! We can do it! We are strong!<!-- google_ad_section_end --><!-- / message --><!-- sig -->

3/20: Great list Denise! Great attitude, too! Focusing on our "whys" and the positive things that will occur after banding is a great idea! How about we each make up a list, adding to what Denise has written?? I'll do a quick start now, then be back later to add more:

* be able to fly in an airplane w/out worrying that I'll need to ask for a seatbelt extender or that my fat will flop over into the next seat.

* be able to walk through any shop or restaurant without figuring out the widest path to take

* be able to sit in a booth at a restaurant

* wear stylish clothes -- any item I like I will be able to find in a "normal" size! (I think this is one of my favs, as I am soooooooooo much more stylish thant my current wardrobe displays!!!)

* to have all that extra energy & brain power to focus on other, positive things, rather than my fat arse!

4/9: I'm in the black hole of insurance approval... I try to just "forget" that someone somewhere is reviewing my request & deciding my fate! I pray that "God's will be done"... and know that whatever the outcome, it is His perfect plan and that I can't control everything (that's a hard one for ME! ). I truly think that "Thy will, not mine, be done" is the most difficult prayer there is! I've decided to wait 2 weeks 'til I start following up on the approval... I think that's reasonable... when we're talking about the rest of my life here!!!

Again, YAY to everyone... what a great group!! ((hugs))

<!-- google_ad_section_end --><!-- / message --><!-- sig -->4/10: I'm so worried that the ins. co. will make me do another 4-6 months "supervised" diet -- uh, hello? I've been DIETING MY WHOLE LIFE AND ALL IT'S GOTTEN ME IS TO 317 LBS!) Oddly enough, I'm hoping that my big fat a$$ and horrible BMI and sleep apnea and high cholesterol and borderline diabetes... will actually be a blessing for once and work in my favor to show them that I need this procedure!

4/10:

I am sobbing as I type this...

I am

DENIED!

5/2: Lunasa -- AMAZING POST-S!! And THAT is EXACTLY the level of self-discovery that I feel I need to work to in tandem with the band. I truly feel like I have been given the opportunity for a brand new life -- not just a thin(ner) one, but one that incorporates mind/body/spirit. Wow. Thank you for prompting some deep self-exploration for me!

Laura -- Sex... what is this strange word of which you speak??? I lost my libido a couple YEARS ago... it must've fallen out of my purse when I wasn't looking! I know that my issues stem 100% from how I look & feel and am cautiously optimistic that problems in that area may improve post-band. I honestly think that's the ONLY reason that dh is even a little bit supportive of this whole thing... men!

5/8: I am just so mad & sad & MAD! I feel exactly like I did when I was denied... like it's some cosmic joke or something... "Hey, watch this! Let's dangle some hope in front of her then jerk it away! Ha! Ok, let's do it again!"..... ok... I've got to go actually do some of the stuff that didn't get done today as I was in limbo... will check back tomorrow... thanks again...

5/8: I just feel soooo bad (badly?) right now.... completely down & out... I'm so close to my dream of being normal... I feel like I'm being taunted... I just don't know if I have it in me to postpone or go through all the hoops again in 6 months to a year... "Poor, poor pitiful me..."...I really am just a miserable mess. The band truly is the answer to my prayers and I absolutely cannot do bypass... no way, no how... so what... it'll be back to diet & exercise, which works for about a week or so before I'm off on a binge... dieting is what got me here... argh! I am so sorry, Violets, for being such a downer... thank you for letting me be wholly & truly who I am at this moment and not having to pretend w/you as I do the rest of the world.

I swear I'm giving myself only tonight to wallow in all this self-pity and then it's back to dealing w/whatever may come my way w/my head up in true Violet fashion. Keep sending out those powerful Violet supervibes my way, please... I need 'em!

5/10: Your stories touch my heart. Anyone who thinks that this whole process is easy or simply about eating less food is crazy! We're all tapping in to lifelong issues/thinking/relationships/behaviors that are all in flux and we are learning & changing & growing on every level imaginable. Wow. We're all doing great work and while a lot of it is hard, the rewards will be so worth it. Wow again.

5/15: Hang in there, Pam... take it one day / one moment at a time... sometimes baby steps are the best we can do... and that's ok! Be gentle w/yourself during this difficult time... vent to us... we can take it! ((hugs))

5/16: OMG! In the spirit of Spring and new beginnings and feeling all proud w/my bad self on all of Day 3 of liquids what did I do?? I had my hair chopped off into a cute, funky short style! i wish I'd thought to take a "before" pic w/my old boring mom style hair so that I could show you guys them both... I'll check on the 'puter to see if I can find anything, but I'm not holding out hope as I avoid the camera as much as possible. I'll get someone to take a pic tonight & I'll try to post them tomorrow. What fun! I feel so light & free & short & sassy!<!-- google_ad_section_end -->

[mdrai 3]

Terry!

Wow!

That you took the time to do that BLOWS MY MIND!

My own words.

When I read them like that... as if they were posted by someone else... has the most amazing effect on me! They let me see myself differently. Sometimes I'm a wonderful cheerleader... sometimes agonized... sometimes goofy... always a friend and supporter...

I realize that I am that to each of you...

but not to MYSELF!

Wow.

I am reeling from this. You have no idea how powerful this is. Please know, Terry, that your time was not wasted on this.

I am really crying now. I am so good at giving the support/encouragement/love... but not so good at the receiving. Thank you, dear friend.

Wow!

[lunasa 1]

WOW terri...that did take time!!!

Good point though, in seeing a passage of a journey, in hindsight, the rollercoaster for better or worse & that "this too shall pass" is true!!

EVERYDAY IS A SCHOOL DAY!!....see?

[lunasa 1]

I forgot to ask...

I think I am "sliming" but what is this? I have extra saliva, ant it's kinda frothy?? Is this smiling?

I don't know what would be the cause of this...I have it right now and have only had a LF yoghurt so far today...(mullerlite)

Any ideas?

I also feel like I've a peanut stuck in my chest...but I haven't eaten a peanut!! LOL

What's going here on ladies? please ...:kiss2:

[TerriDoodle 6]

It's my pleasure to support you, Mdrai. I know that type of post can be powerful and thought you might benefit from it.

Have a GOOD day!

[TerriDoodle 6]

I forgot to ask...

I think I am "sliming" but what is this? I have extra saliva, ant it's kinda frothy?? Is this smiling?

I don't know what would be the cause of this...I have it right now and have only had a LF yoghurt so far today...(mullerlite)

Any ideas?

I also feel like I've a peanut stuck in my chest...but I haven't eaten a peanut!! LOL

What's going here on ladies? please ...:kiss2:

Was there any fruit in the yogurt? You may have something stuck!....that's what it sounds like. Maybe post in the general discussion thread ?

[lunasa 1]

Okay...after doing a search I found a thread on sliming..

Some users reckon it's from drinking with food..others get it from eating too fast...

I still eat too fast....I think I should move on from mushies because there's not much to chew and I prob need to chew more to slow down...

I'm not due for solids until next monday!!!

Oh...the joys! Anyway I suppose slowing down & paying more attention to the fluids after food will see...

Hey...I answered my own question!!! LOL :heh:

[kity 2]

Terry~ You made me cry! Your effort to help a Violet sister out is AMAZING. No wonder I stalk this thread 10x a day. You really did something wonderful to help someone out, I am glad your a violet.

Incredible, truly incredible...I am proud to know you!

[lunasa 1]

Thanks Terri....yes there was fruit in th yoghurt...I guess that would explain things...I don't remember chewing them!! LOL

That's what that is so...mindless eating....CHEW FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!

[janiebug 0]

I can no longer be called a shrinking violet. I will just be a violet for a while. I have continually gained weight for three or four weeks. I still am thankful I have lost what I have don't get me wrong, but when you spend $15,000 for the band you expect more. Now I do have my first fill Thursday, so I am sure that will do the trick. I think I am just having mind games, because when I had lap band I had a hernia repair, and have had problems with that. I also have been pmsing for almost two weeks because I am late! Did anyone else have this problem, I haven't started my period since I have been lap banded. Oh well it seems all I do is complain! I need to stop and look at the bright side!

Jane