Shrinking Violets -- April 07 Bandsters

[kity 2]

CAN I GET AN 'AMEN'!!!

Lunasa- I bet there was smoke coming off of the keyboard, girl! I LOVED YOUR POST. WHAT DO WE REALLY WANT SPECIFICALLY??? GOOD DAMN QUESTION.

I too was a smoker. I quit last year Jan.9 2006! I was doing great, then on Mother's Day, I went and bought flowers and a pack of ciggys and took them to the cemetary. I lost mom in 2004 after an 8 year fight w/ cancer...she was 58. This is no excuse...just my reality. So then I started cheating at smoking (just like on many diets), hiding it from my partner. I would smoke during the week, and then wear the patch on the weekends when we were together. Sometimes I would be such a bitch on the weekends, and felt sooo bad about it. This went on for months...here and there...wearing the patch, then trying to hide the patch...what a liar I became.

Then the surgery was planned. My doctor said he wouldn't even consider doing the surgery on me if i didn't quit for about 6 weeks before. As the months lead up to the surgery, I was mentally preparing myself. I got to the point where I thought, "I am spending $6000.00 to become healthy, then it is time to walk my talk." I was tired of my own bullshit. So I decided on Valentines Day (2007) to really quit. I wore the patch again, something I had been doing for so long. Then a few weeks later, I just quit the patch. Something clicked inside of me, I was done...officially done. I have been smoke and patch free since the beginning of March. I can't do 5 miles on the bike or 30 minutes if I am smoking (although I haven't been in a week:phanvan ). For me, it was just time.

What do I want? I want a healthy long life. I want to be around to love myself, my partner, enjoy things. I want to lose weight for myself, for my health. I have to remind myself this often.

Laura- I really wish I had this convo w/ you yesterday morning. Man, that just made me sick. I will never do that again. Hey, will you do me a favor? Could you post or pm me who leaves tonight early. I am in Cali and you'll know before me. Maybe pm me so we don't ruin it for others. If you don't mind.

Ok Violets, go out there and find your best self, be your best self, and look for the answers to the questions:

What do you really want/?????

xoxo~Pamela

To all my smokin violets...when it is right, you will quit. Until then take care of what you can.

[Daisalana 33]

Kity- LOL! Yes, as soon as I see who goes home I'll PM you :target: But my hopes, it will be baldy.. Paul I think it is. I just don't like him!

[kity 2]

Thanks Laura- It is Paul or Phil or something like that. I like Jordan or Blake to win it, but love all of the people now...hated idiot sanjaya. I will look for the pm;)

[TerriDoodle 6]

That is a very inspiring post, Lunasa. Thanks so much. It correlates directly with the book I've been reading so i've already thought about (and journaled) these questions. The positive goals I have for myself (the things I am running toward) are:

1) To be fit and strong, making regular vigorous exercise as habitual as brushing my teeth.

2) To be fit and attractive. Ultimate goal is to be a size 10. This is as much for my husband as for myself. I want him to be proud to be with me and I want an improvement in our bedroom. I can't wait to go shopping!

These are my goals. Real simple but I want it B-A-D. Because I want it bad and can maintain unrelenting enthusiasm for it, I know I will achieve it.

[Daisalana 33]

Terri- I want it to improve my sex life also. Hope no one is offended by the talk of this, but it made me feel better.. I lost my libido about 6 months ago. I've been gaining weight up until the band decision, and I think I was either depressed, or didn't like how I looked. I never concerned myself in the bedroom about how I looked, unlike some overweight friends of mine, I didn't insist on keeping a shirt or something on during sex, etc. But in the past 6 months I have just not wanted to do anything sexual. It really bothered me, and I didn't know why I had such a hard time 'getting into it'. We would go weeks at a time because I would just push him away. But since being banded, my libido is STRONG. Which makes me really think it was a mental thing. I already feel better about myself because I know I made a change. The past 3 nights, I've been insatiable! Me and fiance also talked about how, since I've never been a normal weight with him, when I lose weight, we're hoping the sex will be even better because I'll be more flexible and no back pains so I can do.. more. :target: That's on my list of things I look forward to, most definitely. I'm glad my libido is finally coming back as well. And a couple years ago this guy I knew really had a thing for me. I was with my fiance, so it was amusing really. He offered my fiance 12k to sleep with me. I'm 90% sure he was serious (I won't go into the story). I just thought "What an idiot", but I bring this up because the other night my fiance said "You know, I'll have to tell the guy the price went up to 20k in a few months". He meant it as a compliment I guess LOL but I said 'Are you saying I'll be worth more skinny??' and he said "No, that's not what I was saying!" and I said "So, my sex will be worth 20k in a few months but not now?". I was teasing him of course, but it was funny, and I like being light hearted about all of this. I've yet to feel like I'm having psychological problems not being able to binge eat (Which I recognized I am an emotional eater, and if I had problems after being banded (and still plan to) I will seek counseling.. so far so good though!), and I think part of it is due to my lighter attitude.

[lunasa 1]

Lunasa- I bet there was smoke coming off of the keyboard, girl!

LOL...Yes. There prob was smoke...but that was prob because I was smoking!!

Well done SARA...remember your positive intentions.

Anyway as if that last rant wasn't enough...I had a visitor before I actually got to my point!!

What I discovered about myself is that I was moulding my efforts into other peoples plans & ideas on how to live my life. I was treating weight as the only issue. The more pressing issue was completely buried & I was only starting to dig away to find it.

But dig I did and I found a total split & tug of war in my self. I had been torn between mind body & spirit. I was not in harmony as those lucky monks are.

My mind knew that my spirit was broken, and my body was just the result of the abuses I had chosen to depend on, but I hated it. I had desicrated my body through years of critisism yet used it to fulfil my needs.

So I began by working to bring myself together as a whole. Mind, body & spirit. Mind you, in taking the time to do that I threw out the scales & didn't worry bout that for a while & that freed me...but I gained.

I put that aside & began my mission. I began looking at children around me who are now the age I was when I became aware of my insecurities & I felt not only sad but relieved. In my innocence I was too young to understand but my world was real & I didn't know what was going on back then when I would feel inadequate.

I started to understand why these insecurities developed as I subconsciously carried them with me growing up & I was only trying to survive as best I could and I found I had developed behaviours that seemed to work but left me with consequences I couldn't deal with. I began to feel I could finally forgive myself then. I actually felt empowered that I had achieved an outcome, even if it was negative,,I had created it. So I began to see the power of thought, belief & the possibility of creating your own outcomes.

And I began to loose my anger that had been holding me back.

Now I have not found total enlightment, nor am I completely "at one" with myself but I am much clearer in my thoughts & more understanding of my fears. None of this makes it any easier, when you're lurking around the kitchen mind you, but it does make me more mindful...and this time I am not trying to be perfect but at least I am not pissing in the wind anymore...it was very confusing.

I can see where I am going now & sometimes it feels like It's very far away, sometimes I even forget the destination.... but I will get there MY WAY. I will not being dragged kicking & screaming as before, leaving half of me behind. I will get there as a whole (a whole and a band) and on my journey every now & then I can look back and say...ah, that feels great...well done me...I love ya!!

[lunasa 1]

Sorry Terri I was posting as you were...

And sex...Eh....YES PLEASE !!! Me Toooooo!!!:heh:

[TracyinKS 7]

Sex... what is sex??? Two nights ago I was told by dbf that the thought of my port grossed him out... I said... GREAT! NOW MY PORT GROSSES YOU OUT.. we are NEVER going to have sex again are we??? To which he replied........ JESUS TRACY NOT THIS AGAIN! Don't START.. and stomped to the living room...... (and note this all started to go down hill when I was still wearing a size 10/12, and NO he has no problem perking up, and I lost count of how many months its been... Lost count in January)

He has no libido........ and I'm guessing it is a long standing issue because his ex wife cheated on him which is why they divorced........ OK.. sorry for the TMI about my lack of sex life...... but you guys hit a geyser with the topic. (pun intended)

[lunasa 1]

(((((TRACY)))))

We're in the same boat....My DH has no libido. It sucks...I thought it was suppose to be the other way around!!

And I agree I think it's a psychological thing with them. I believe his home life led to him blanking out his urges. there was no sex inhis house.

I don't know how him & his sister came to be,,,unless they were found under a head of cabbage.

[lunasa 1]

Hey!! what happened my post!!

Anyway..i was saying ((((Tracy)))) am in the same boat as you... My DH is lacking in libido & I agree it's psychological. His parents had trouble, and I believe it led him to blank out in that dept.

And I also said..that I don't know how he & his DS came to be unless they were found under a head of cabbage.... thats mean though but hey...True!!

[lunasa 1]

oh...nothing happened my post...my bad....sorry LOL

[TracyinKS 7]

LOL! Lunasa.. a head of cabbage...... that has to be it!

and might I mention..............

IT IS NOT FREAKEN FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't even know I LIKED sex til I got divorced! and now the tides have turned........

OK done whining about it!

[mdrai 3]

Lunasa -- AMAZING POST-S!! And THAT is EXACTLY the level of self-discovery that I feel I need to work to in tandem with the band. I truly feel like I have been given the opportunity for a brand new life -- not just a thin(ner) one, but one that incorporates mind/body/spirit. Wow. Thank you for prompting some deep self-exploration for me!

Laura -- Sex... what is this strange word of which you speak??? I lost my libido a couple YEARS ago... it must've fallen out of my purse when I wasn't looking! I know that my issues stem 100% from how I look & feel and am cautiously optimistic that problems in that area may improve post-band. I honestly think that's the ONLY reason that dh is even a little bit supportive of this whole thing... men!

OK... back to work...

[TracyinKS 7]

getting ready to head off to a meeting.................

check back later!

NOTE: I've drank about 2/3rds of my Soup at Hand Velvelty Potatoe and am throwing the rest away!

Kat: any word on Rick today????

[Daisalana 33]

LOL about the head of cabbage.

Tracy- I'm the kind of person to point out my flaws before anyone else can. So with my port, during sex I looked down and it was dimpled in all weird from the fat and the incision. So I took a moment to point it out, I said 'eww lookit that' and he laughed and 'kept right on'. So I'm not self-conscious about my port.. he doesn't seem to care, and frankly he's the only one seeing it (except the few people at work I flashed so they could see it LOL). What bothers your dbf about your port?? Where the incision is, they did lots of stitches it feels like under the skin, so its a hard mass, but I couldn't get fiance to touch it.. I was telling him it's weird because it's so hard, and he said he'd take my word for it.