Help?

[AnonymousinTX 0]

I am new here and I am sorry this sounds so negative but I am desperately in need of help or advice. My husband had the RNY surgery at the beginning of 2012, He has lost over 160 pounds. He has become very fit and works out hard and follows a very healthy diet. This has done miracles for his health and for that I am very thankful, but unfortunately it seems he has also sunk into a very bad depression. He was depressed before the surgery as well and I honestly believe when he was speaking to all the health professionals before the surgery that he may have lied about his true feelings and thoughts just so they would go ahead with the surgery. He had a very abusive childhood that he never got help to heal, he has carried a lot of anger around and I tried to encourage him to seek help and was always rebuffed by him saying that only the weak see counselors and that he is a man and he dont need help. As the surgery date got closer he became happier and more excited for his new life. Even the first several months after surgery were wonderful. But now almost a year later it has turned into a nightmare. I have done a lot of research about this surgery because I always wanted to support him and I had read many terrible stories about couples getting divorced. i was determined to stand by his side and help him through everything. I myself am fit and live healthy, so I know that aspect is not getting in the way. I have also read depression can be pretty common. I wish I could understand this more, but I only know what I have read in articles. I am looking for advice on how to help him when he refuses professional help. Our marriage is on the brink of divorce. Because of his anger towards me and him treating me very ugly the last few months I have also become very depressed. I feel worthless. He constantly comments on how all these women pay attention to him. I literally kiss his butt. Seriously I do EVERYTHING for him and he just doesn't see it. He says I neglect him, which is absolutely not true. he says I am never there for him. He says I dont understand. Now Im not perfect by any means, but even my family and friends are very concerned about the way he treats me. I recently returned to my hometown which is several hours away because he said he needs time and he doesn't feel like himself. I told him I understand he has gone through a huge change in a short period of time and I wanted to help him but he refused. I didnt want to leave but he wanted me to. He rarely contacts me anymore, matter of fact I know when he is ignoring my calls and all my other commuication. He even blocked me on all the social pages. I know this sounds childish, but he is my husband and I love him and this hurts so much. Have any of you experienced this anger and depression after surgery? If so what helped you? The more I try the more he hurts me with his words and gives me the silent treatment. I am also in counseling and basically everyone is telling me to divorce. Divorce is not my option. I told him I would stand by his side no matter what and that is what I intend to do, but he just keeps pushing me further away. I am very concerned about him. But he is so angry that if I contacted his family or a counselor for him it owuld just enrage him. He pretends he is happy around everyone else when he clearly is not. I wish he could see it is okay to cry, it is okay to talk to me about his feelings, seeking professional help is okay too, but he thinks he is a man and can handle it. I want my husband back. How do I help him? Im sorry I am not trying to play the victim or anything, I dont even care about myself I care about him but cannot understand why he wants to hurt the person who wants to help him. This has become 10000x worse since the surgery.

[kimmyk 20]

I am so sorry First I would say that he won't be able to fix his depression problems unless he wants to. No matter what you say or do, it really up to him. I am worried about you. It seems that you are slowly losing yourself. Although you love your husband and feel that divorce is not an option, you should seek professional help for yourself. You cannot help someone until you help yourself.

[Vicki Loichinger 444]

I have no answers just lots of prayers that you will find answers, I will tell you I have had problems with depression for many many years and take Prozac daily, And you think having this surgery everything will be roses but clinical depression is still there, Parts of me feel better but some days the depression is as bad as ever, I am only three weeks out from surgery. So that is no comparison to your Husband, Praying for you and him both.

[PaulB 346]

Your husbands problems were there before surgery.

I'm no psychologist but sound like he wasn't happy in his marriage and not self confident with his old body. Now he has a new body and wants a new life to go along with it that does not include you. There is a high rate of divorce for RNY people that's sad because our spouses go though just as much with this surgery as we do. My wife was my rock that held everything together when I was falling apart.

I'm sorry to hear your marriage is failing it happen get help for your self don't fall apart it won't help.thing have a tendency to work them selfs out for the best.

If he's angry and could become violent it's best to leave him alone.

Not all men are like this we are pigs just some us us care more the others.

The hard truth you may not think divorce is a option but to save your sanity it may be.

Good luck stay safe be health

[Vicki Loichinger 444]

Paul very sound and sage advice.

[michelecaples 224]

Paul very sound and sage advice.

No matter what your health and safety needs to be your concern. I suffer from depression too, but it seems like he wants to move on to someone who doesnt know he has all these problems and ignore the problems by hiding them. Maybe he has already met someone and thats why he wants you out of his,way. Leave him alone and if he wants and needs you, he will find.you and make it right. Sad story but if he wont seek help, you need to find happiness for yourself