female only (Very Long) Hubby Double Personality Need Out!

[TinyMamiOf3kids 1,280]

Hello,

Gosh! I hate having people knowing what I'm dealing with,but my good friend moved to Florida,and I lost all my friends once I got with my husband. I had a best friend guy,and my husband found a photo of him,and said I didn't know you were into black guys. I said he's my best friend. He said there's no such thing as a boy/girl best friends. So growing up I didn't have a computer so yeah I wanted a computer once I got with my husband,and my computer became part of my world. I meet my best friend on line she's Jamaican,and we are still friends. I meet other people,but it didn't work out. So the few people I do know are my neighbors. So I rely,and depend on the computer for communication,and to interact with other people.

I'm having a hard time with my marriage now. We are in marriage counseling,but my husband is a totally different person with the counselor,and is a whole different person once she leaves. I'm trying hard to hang on to this marriage,but I feel it's over,and I have done everything I can to try to save it.

Arguement today: Me, 8pm why don't you order a pizza.< /span>

him, nothing

Time passes: I'm feeding my kids him: since you been on this diet you put everyone on a diet. I told you this was going to happen. Me, I'm not on a diet. I cook all the time. I told you to order pizza at 8pm and it's passed 9pm.. He then continue saying your going to have to pay your own bills. How much is my half of the phone bill? I said we have a family plan and we just renew it. If you felt this way you should had let me know before the contract was renew. He also told me to get a job. I said are you going to watch the kids? He said no that would be your problem. I said ok then I will see what happens. I also said tomorrow your gonna be all happy as if nothing happen.

Well here is the real deal.... He is always accusing me of cheating which I'm not. I go threw my moments where I won't cook for a day. He says someone is putting things in my brain. Who? I don't have any friends. I get two checks per month and in total is under $700 How do I pay my bills which is I say $500 minium payment in total. Then also buy grocery & on top of that buy diapers. It's impossible for me to do all that. If I get a job,and it's minium wage my kids disability will be cut or maybe taking away. If I'm not going to be making tons of money it's not worth me working. Oh god I don't know what to do. At this moment I know I'm near finishing my bills,but I can't do it on my own. My back is messed up so I'm trying to apply for social security not SSI. I can't even sleep. I'm hear thinking what I'm going to do.

[kiwiladydee 402]

Hey. I'm up. To be honest, it doesn't sound like your going to leAve him for both emotional and financial reason. You've put up with him for this long and you want your kids to keep their same lifestyle. The bad part, he knows all these things as well. I'm not one of those types of women who tell other women to leave their husbands because no one knows the whole story and I can't pay your bills. Lol.

I would recommend that you still get counseling because one day your kids will be older and may not need as much care and you won't have the same reasons and needs to stay. There are a few jobs online you can do from home, you just have to find something you are good at. It's never a good sign when they run all your friends and/or family away. Why do you think he has such a huge problem with you or working?? Most men would like a woman at home to cook / clean etc...

[TinyMamiOf3kids 1,280]

He wants a maid not a wife & a woman that gets grab all day & is willing to have sex when the man wants it. I think he is tired of putting in one hundred percent for the bills. Our agreement was he pays all the bills & with my monthly check I will buy grocery & diaper.

Now he wants me to work. I'm not allergic to work. If I'm able to get social security which I'm working on & get approve that's an extra check a month that can help me out with my bills. It won't be forever once my bills are lower I can get a good paying job & won't need hubby to pay my bills.

It's been 16 1/2 years and we all know in this country your nobody with bad credit. If he stops being an a*** hole and continue paying the bills if should take about two years to finish it all.

I have no one to run to. My mother & I don't talk anymore. Leaving to go where? My neighbor? This is my home this is what I know but I honesty don't see my self with my husband until my small kids are teenagers.

[JustJenn 542]

You need personal counseling. Go by yourself, get tools to work on you... Not saying there is anything wrong! But you need someone on your side routing for you! And any good couples counselor would see past his games during session, and work on the real stuff.

Be strong know what you want and go for it! Maybe this is a good time to reconcile with mom & family?

Sending hugs

[kiwiladydee 402]

He wants a maid not a wife & a woman that gets grab all day & is willing to have sex when the man wants it. I think he is tired of putting in one hundred percent for the bills. Our agreement was he pays all the bills & with my monthly check I will buy grocery & diaper.

Now he wants me to work. I'm not allergic to work. If I'm able to get social security which I'm working on & get approve that's an extra check a month that can help me out with my bills. It won't be forever once my bills are lower I can get a good paying job & won't need hubby to pay my bills.

It's been 16 1/2 years and we all know in this country your nobody with bad credit. If he stops being an a*** hole and continue paying the bills if should take about two years to finish it all.

I have no one to run to. My mother & I don't talk anymore. Leaving to go where? My neighbor? This is my home this is what I know but I honesty don't see my self with my husband until my small kids are teenagers.

I'm so sorry your going through all of this. Taking care of your kids is such a full time responsibility and a job all by itself. I applied for social security and it is taking a very long time. . I think you brining in a little extra income would help, but not cure the problem. It seems like he has always been a little on the controlling side and you were able to deal with it in the past. Did everything get really bad right after surgery? I think having someone lease to talk to and bounce ideas off of is very important or it will help you keep a little sanity! Your strong, beautiful and powerful. I know you make these choices for your kids and not just yourself. Do you really want to find another way out or just try to work harder on staying together? Can you make it 2 more years? Stay Strong!!!

[EEsMom 15]

You're getting some very good advice here. Lots of smart ladies. I was married 31 years. I didn't see myself making it that long but in my case, we didn't have to see/be with each other much due to the way he worked. (left in afternoon and dind't come home till middle of night, about 2 or 3 AM) As to Social Security, are you talking disability? There are lawyers that will take you through it and will only be one month of your payment. Seems worth it in the long run. Each state, I would think has that. I agree a councellor for you, women's services in your county should have free services. I know I utilized mine. They have free financial services too. Please look int it, may be a big help. All the best to you and don't let this get you into a hole that you can't get out of. Take the help you can for yourself.

Hugs

[TinyMamiOf3kids 1,280]

You need personal counseling. Go by yourself' date=' get tools to work on you... Not saying there is anything wrong! But you need someone on your side routing for you! And any good couples counselor would see past his games during session, and work on the real stuff.

Be strong know what you want and go for it! Maybe this is a good time to reconcile with mom & family?

Sending hugs[/quote']

I try to reconcile with my mom but she rather not talk to me & it was all about accusing me of having bills this is coming from a woman that always lived off welfare & I had to pay a bill for her.

[TinyMamiOf3kids 1,280]

I'm so sorry your going through all of this. Taking care of your kids is such a full time responsibility and a job all by itself. I applied for social security and it is taking a very long time. . I think you brining in a little extra income would help' date=' but not cure the problem. It seems like he has always been a little on the controlling side and you were able to deal with it in the past. Did everything get really bad right after surgery? I think having someone lease to talk to and bounce ideas off of is very important or it will help you keep a little sanity! Your strong, beautiful and powerful. I know you make these choices for your kids and not just yourself. Do you really want to find another way out or just try to work harder on staying together? Can you make it 2 more years? Stay Strong!!![/quote']

Yes things are getting worst after surgery but it started getting worst from his 50th birthday. I can make it two more years. I need to get out of these bills so my credit can go from good to excellent. I'm hoping only two more years.

[TinyMamiOf3kids 1,280]

You're getting some very good advice here. Lots of smart ladies. I was married 31 years. I didn't see myself making it that long but in my case' date=' we didn't have to see/be with each other much due to the way he worked. (left in afternoon and dind't come home till middle of night, about 2 or 3 AM) As to Social Security, are you talking disability? There are lawyers that will take you through it and will only be one month of your payment. Seems worth it in the long run. Each state, I would think has that. I agree a councellor for you, women's services in your county should have free services. I know I utilized mine. They have free financial services too. Please look int it, may be a big help. All the best to you and don't let this get you into a hole that you can't get out of. Take the help you can for yourself.

Hugs[/quote']

Social security for me is when you worked & made enough credit so if you get disable that's what you paid for social security.

Social security disability is for most people that never worked or kids that have special need like mine.

I want to leave the marriage. I don't have another man on the side or in this group. I want to be alone. I want to be in a regular nice building good area & that it doesn't affect my kids education. I want them safe. I don't want arguing screaming cursing them hearing there dad call me a bitch & hole. Call them retards. Say they are animals. And other names. They ate growing up & my 15 year old knows it all but I have a chance to make it right as soon as my bills are paid. I had enough. Kiddos are growing & it's getting worst. He cures everything with "I'm sorry" and I'm suppose to accept it & have sex and act like everything is fine.

[BBdoodle 483]

Oh Mami I feel for you sweetie. It is very difficult to make life changing decisions. I was in a relationship with a guy for 13 years who was extremely jealous. Constantly accused me of cheating when I was totally loyal to him. He would check my store receipts for the time I checked out, follow me, etc. etc. We were not married, we were just living together. We were both working at good paying jobs and split all the bills. After a while I just got totally fed up with him constantly accusing me and him being so jealous. So I left... well actually he left, I told him he could only take his clothes... everything in the house was mine - LOL even thought I bought most of it any way. It was very difficult at first but I cut corners on expenses and ended up doing quite well on my own. I have always had great well paying jobs and I do not have kids.

If you do split he will have to pay child support and alamony (sp?) so you will be getting income from him as well. Can you work at night when he gets home? So you don't have to pay a sitter? It must be very scary because you have 3 kids. You can get assistance as well.

When I have to make major decisions I alwasy list all the pros and cons of the decision and go from there.... sometimes the difficult paths we take in life make us stronger !!!

You have this site for support... we are here for you !!!

[kristy3k 1,133]

My heart breaks for you Mami. I know decisions like this are hard ones to make. Trust your heart and do what is right for you and your kids. You deserve to put YOU first!!!!

[TinyMamiOf3kids 1,280]

Oh Mami I feel for you sweetie. It is very difficult to make life changing decisions. I was in a relationship with a guy for 13 years who was extremely jealous. Constantly accused me of cheating when I was totally loyal to him. He would check my store receipts for the time I checked out' date=' follow me, etc. etc. We were not married, we were just living together. We were both working at good paying jobs and split all the bills. After a while I just got totally fed up with him constantly accusing me and him being so jealous. So I left... well actually he left, I told him he could only take his clothes... everything in the house was mine - LOL even thought I bought most of it any way. It was very difficult at first but I cut corners on expenses and ended up doing quite well on my own. I have always had great well paying jobs and I do not have kids.

If you do split he will have to pay child support and alamony (sp?) so you will be getting income from him as well. Can you work at night when he gets home? So you don't have to pay a sitter? It must be very scary because you have 3 kids. You can get assistance as well.

When I have to make major decisions I alwasy list all the pros and cons of the decision and go from there.... sometimes the difficult paths we take in life make us stronger !!!

You have this site for support... we are here for you !!![/quote']

My husband believes a woman job is to cook & clean. I have put up with him because I was raised this way. I thought in the beginning this was normal behavior but when I hit 30 years of age I started waking up & realizing omg! I have 3 kids. This man is verbally abusing me & my kids.

He will never babysit my kids. When I get my nails done my 15 year old feeds & change her brother & sister. If not I take them all with me but leave them down stairs don't want them smelling chemicals. They install a fan so now it's better for kids even though they shouldn't be there.

Regarding child support he says if I ever leave. He will quit his job then what child support will I be getting.

When your legally married & your spouse makes good money. Your screw with the government. I can't get foodstamps,extra money from SSI. I don't know if my kids can go into a free daycare so I can work. I will look into that.

If I make a list the only thing positive would be he pays the bills.

He went to our oldest parents teachers meeting when in grade school. Once high school came in. He is no longer involve.

Our 4 year old he never been to teachers meeting or even her graduation.

Our 2 year old graduate tomorrow but I don't have invitation to ceremony or anything yet.

I do the cooking & if I don't cook I spend money from my pocket to order out. I do the cleaning. I take care of the kids my self on my own. I buy groceries & diapers. I attend every school meeting. I go to all the doctors appointments. So I don't have it easy staying home.

[BBdoodle 483]

Yikes.... he is very behind the times in thinking.. the children are both of yours. You have a 24-7 job and don't let anyone tell you different !!!

If you feel you are being abused please get out if not for you then for your children. Abuse usually repeats itself. Also the reason why he acts differently in therapy is because he does know that he is treating you wrong and does not want the therapist to see that so he is hiding but a good therapist will see thru that. Maybe you can meet with her alone and give her the truth.

Its sounds like he definately does not participate in the kids lives at all. Its sad.. some men would do anything to have a wife and children and when some men have it they take it all for granet.

Don't let him threaten you with "I will quit my job" that is just a threat. He needs money to live as well. Is there some type of work you can do from home? Since you are home can you watch someone else's kids?

If you are planning to leave... you need to make a plan and stick to it, just don't go off kicking the guy out or anything. Are there shelters in your area ?

[lovealways 287]

It's difficult to leave a situation you've grown comfortable in...especially a marriage. Your reasons for wanting to leave are certainly valid and pretty much a must at this point. He sounds manipulative, angry, and for you and your children to have to put up with that kind of verbal abuse is not good. It's not good for you or your kids. I think you need to try and get out as fast as possible for you and your children's safety. Like others have said, are there any shelters out there for you and your kids? If you can't find it in yourself to leave now (because it is a big step and it is scary) then I suggest you look into seeing a social worker or a psychologist who can help you get back on your feet. It's important to put yourself and your kids first now. This isn't a marriage that has gone sour, but a marriage that has gone completely toxic. Hang in there hun...take care of yourself. ::hugs::

[TinyMamiOf3kids 1,280]

It's difficult to leave a situation you've grown comfortable in...especially a marriage. Your reasons for wanting to leave are certainly valid and pretty much a must at this point. He sounds manipulative' date=' angry, and for you and your children to have to put up with that kind of verbal abuse is not good. It's not good for you or your kids. I think you need to try and get out as fast as possible for you and your children's safety. Like others have said, are there any shelters out there for you and your kids? If you can't find it in yourself to leave now (because it is a big step and it is scary) then I suggest you look into seeing a social worker or a psychologist who can help you get back on your feet. It's important to put yourself and your kids first now. This isn't a marriage that has gone sour, but a marriage that has gone completely toxic. Hang in there hun...take care of yourself. ::hugs::[/quote']

You hit the jack pot. I grown comfort in my marriage. I sometimes feel like a nobody. I simply have 3 kids & I'm there mom. I don't work outside the home. I get a disability checks for my kids and that's how I can buy food clothes diapers. I use there money because that's all I have. I sit home wait till they come out of school. During the day cook & clean sometimes nap lots of time computer. I have no buddies. I lost the best relationship I had my mom. Now I can't repair it. I feel I wasted my life just having babies & being home.