Can a relationship really work out if....

[Nicolanz 1,484]

It will work if you want it to. My skinny husband married me at 300 pounds. He never asked me to change and I'll never ask him. He eats what he wants and sometimes I'll even make him a different dinner than what I make for myself. He didn't conform to my lifestyle changes and I didn't expect him to. He's an adult who can make his own decisions.

[cathycnyrs 85]

I have to say that if I had made this decision with my ex-husband it would have probably been the end of the marriage... but since I didn't do it then another woman was the cause. Stayed the first time, he left me for the next one. I don't always believe in til death do us part. I look back and I was crazy to stay the first time. But, to lay that aside and apply it to this topic.

When I would diet, he would diet and get on board for whatever, low-fat, diet pills, low-carb and of course we joined the gym. After a few weeks or a month he would go back to his ways and yes I wanted him as a team-mate but when I realized I was on my own I wanted it for me. He would sabatoge me every way he could. He would want to go out to eat, I'd order healthy, he would want me to skip the gym.... he would call me fanatical, he would say I had tunnelvision and that I neglected the family. This is my daughter's father. I am soooo glad that "til death do he part" did not keep me tied to that jerk. When I lost weight he said my clothes looked slutty, and they did not - I've always been a pretty modest person. We went through this several times over a 9 year marriage. Two years before the split I was down to 160 lbs and he had an affair with a girl over 400 lbs (not saying she was bad because of her weight, I'm pointing out he had a fetish and did NOT want me thin). I stayed for my daughter, I gained a 100 lbs and I was miserable. He then starting having an affair with a woman 20 years older than him, bigger than me that looked like a man... left me and married her. Four years later he left her for another woman, then left that one and married another one.

Sometimes relationships aren't meant to be. We shouldn't enter them lightly, but we shouldn't stay for the abuse if the mistake was getting married in the first place. I believe in marriage, and happily ever after and now I am with a great man and I am so thankful I'm not stuck with that other jerk. My daughter has said over and over she was glad he left and didn't think she could have handled being raised by him. She was 6 when he left. His views drive her nuts (he preaches religion and right and wrong but still screws around like an alley cat), and when she used to go for a weekend she'd want to be brought back early, last time he refused to bring her back... now she refuses to go and he picks her up for dinner twice a year (he lives 2 hours away).

This surgery can split up relationships. There are many posts about that on here. It changes the person so much, inside and out the other person may not can handle the person changing, or the changed person can not longer stay with the other person. I think this is one of the reasons therapy is a big part of that process. I also believe in love and if BOTH parties were truly in love with the inner soul of the other person and totally committed to the relationship, the relationship with weather all storms, this included. I thought my ex loved me, he didn't love me... glad he gave me a chance at a better life without him.

[soonerorlater 139]

I did state he was my partner. I am not married for many reasons! So thanks for all the marriage advice but didn't need it. Like I said time will tell! And that's all i can say, I'm going to focus on me and not be so worried about what he does and doesn't do. Because in all reality I'm the one who has to live with me and my decisions for the rest of my life!

[natalie_christin 61]

From death do us part to until its no longer convenient for us. That is what the new marriage vows should be. No it won't work out for you' date=' because if you are asking that question, then you don't want it to work out. If you did, then not working it out wouldn't be an option. Unfortunately marriage just doesn't mean the same thing anymore. Not trying to be mean here, just truthful.[/quote']

Marriage is difficult – but then again that's the understatement of the world. One of the things that I am dealing with right now is the loss of my marriage. My husband is bipolar and I twisted myself up so much to try to make him happy and things to try to make things better and is without warning he walked out of me about two months ago. The surgery was not an issue – he actually had wanted me to get it in the past but I was never comfortable with it until I found out about the sleeve. It's killing me that were filing for divorce on Thursday – I feel like I work so hard to try and make it work and if he was going to do what he did the way that you did it, I wish he would've done it along time ago so that I could have just moved on with my life. I put in all the effort and he never did.

To the person that started the thread, Unfortunately there are never any right or wrong answers it's never black-and-white – there's many shades of gray in between. I hate to say that you're right – vows just don't mean what they used to – and it's sad.

As far as the surgery and diet is concerned, all you can do is do the best you can do. They make a point to let you know and all the seminars and prior to going through and you the surgeries that it can be very rough on relationships and there is a very high divorce rate related to it because people in the changing. My divorce wasn't because of the surgery – I hadn't even decided to have it when my life fell apart but, i'm not going to focus on that part anymore. I gave my marriage everything I could and then some and that still wasn't enough. You have to decide what's right for you and if there's any question or hope or anything along those lines, it doesn't hurt to see you marriage counselor. You have to decide how much you want to work or if you wanted to work and so does your spouse. It's better if you both go but sometimes talking it out by yourself is better than nothing.

Good luck

[natalie_christin 61]

You're right....it would be easier...but that doesn't mean he doesn't support you. It's tough for people to face that demon. To change our lives is to admit that we had a problem previously...that's a tough thing to do. We know it....but still we deny it....until the day comes we own it. You've already done so. Perhaps your success will inspire him. But even if it doesn't' date=' you can still be together and be happy.[/quote']

Two true – I also thought to add that, you never know, you might just inspire him. If not, that's his decision to. You have to make the right decision for you and what's going to make you healthy. His eating habits, while non-supporting or difficult, shouldn't determine your own ability to get healthy. Sure, it would definitely be easier if he would fall in line and be supportive but, honestly, I find strengthen knowing that I'm doing this for me and no one else – maybe that will help give you strength as well?

[natalie_christin 61]

Yo! People! Be careful of making assumptions. The OP said nothing about being married....

Lol- good watchful eyes :-) I just sort of jumped on the bandwagon and assumed. I guess I just put my foot my mouth… LOL

[FRED1977 186]

Please give us more to your story to help you better.

[cathycnyrs 85]

Marriage is difficult – but then again that's the understatement of the world. One of the things that I am dealing with right now is the loss of my marriage. My husband is bipolar and I twisted myself up so much to try to make him happy and things to try to make things better and is without warning he walked out of me about two months ago. The surgery was not an issue – he actually had wanted me to get it in the past but I was never comfortable with it until I found out about the sleeve. It's killing me that were filing for divorce on Thursday – I feel like I work so hard to try and make it work and if he was going to do what he did the way that you did it, I wish he would've done it along time ago so that I could have just moved on with my life. I put in all the effort and he never did.

To the person that started the thread, Unfortunately there are never any right or wrong answers it's never black-and-white – there's many shades of gray in between. I hate to say that you're right – vows just don't mean what they used to – and it's sad.

As far as the surgery and diet is concerned, all you can do is do the best you can do. They make a point to let you know and all the seminars and prior to going through and you the surgeries that it can be very rough on relationships and there is a very high divorce rate related to it because people in the changing. My divorce wasn't because of the surgery – I hadn't even decided to have it when my life fell apart but, i'm not going to focus on that part anymore. I gave my marriage everything I could and then some and that still wasn't enough. You have to decide what's right for you and if there's any question or hope or anything along those lines, it doesn't hurt to see you marriage counselor. You have to decide how much you want to work or if you wanted to work and so does your spouse. It's better if you both go but sometimes talking it out by yourself is better than nothing.

Good luck

Hugs to you. I've been there and my ex was bipolar also. He didn't want to admit it, then got help and was medicated and I stayed for 2 years. It was a hard road. I didn't have a choice in the end, and I felt I was mourning a death... I guess I was. I was mourning the death of who I thought he was, and of the marriage. I did feel really judged, especially in church, for being divorced and it was not my choice. Yes, if I had been smarter in my choice of who to marry then maybe I wouldn't have winded up divorced. But sometimes people can convince us they are something that they are not.

[lotti 154]

Get the jerkoff professional help.

[AmandaRaeLeo 2,146]

Why does the partner have to change on your schedule? People will not tackle their health and weight issues until they're good and ready....and not a minute sooner. I don't know about you' date=' but I was overweight for decades....then one day I decided to do something about it. But for many years before, doctors and relatives had been urging me to do something....I just wouldn't....until the day I decided enough was enough. My wife married me when I was 400lbs and she was running marathons. Thank god she didn't decide I needed to be on her fitness and nutritional plan or we would have never been married.....so no....it's not a problem unless you make it one. JMHO[/quote']

Exactly.

And if it is a problem, own that it is your hang up.

[raven123 97]

My sister was sleeved a year and a half ago. Her husband saw how well she was doing and 6 months later get sleeved.

Give it a little time.

My date is a week from today. My husband is very supportive. He is the same size he was in high school. He has a sweet tooth. I've asked him not to bring ice cream into the house till I get into a routine. It's been my downfall in the past.

He works out of town so he can have whatever he wants when he working.

[sixbuttons 102]

Right after I had surgery, my husband would not eat hardly anything at all because I couldn't eat. I appreciated it so much and it was sweet - but it made me feel terrible! Mostly because I KNEW he was hungry and I wasn't! So I cooked him dinner and he ate. He wouldn't not eat if I cooked - especially with me not feeling 100%. I just had to explain to him that he had to eat and that I wasn't even hungry. He can't change everything he does just because I have to. I loved that he was trying to make the effort - but he just can't do that.

[natalie_christin 61]

Hugs to you. I've been there and my ex was bipolar also. He didn't want to admit it' date=' then got help and was medicated and I stayed for 2 years. It was a hard road. I didn't have a choice in the end, and I felt I was mourning a death... I guess I was. I was mourning the death of who I thought he was, and of the marriage. I did feel really judged, especially in church, for being divorced and it was not my choice. Yes, if I had been smarter in my choice of who to marry then maybe I wouldn't have winded up divorced. But sometimes people can convince us they are something that they are not.[/quote']

:-) We all think that we're doing the best thing cool we can when it comes to the idea of marriage – he didn't really exhibit any symptoms of bipolar until about a year into the marriage. I tried fighting in every way possible to make it work. Just as the vows, for better or for worse in sickness and in health… I would've kept fighting to if he had not just up and left. I just feel like I wasted so much time. He's mentioned that he wants to hurry the divorce he could start dating again – it's crazy… I don't even know how to go about dating– Especially that quick.

[soonerorlater 139]

Thanks again to everyone for the advice! There's way too much to my story to explain it all on here! I got the advice that I felt was best for me at the beginning of this post without having to give too many details. I will be fine with or without the relationship I am in. Thanks for all the support it was more advice than I thought I would get.

[Butterthebean 8,146]

Get the jerkoff professional help.

Wtf? Talk about jumping to conclusions.