Can a relationship really work out if....

[soonerorlater 139]

Can A relationship really work out if your partner is not willing to make changes with you? I am scheduled to get surgery beginning of Nov, and already see this being a issue.

[endless80 697]

Are you sure you're not already checked out?

[southernsoul 773]

It might depend on how important it is to you that your partner make those changes. You are doing what you think is best for you, but you can't make someone else choose the same way. I believe that all we can control in life is our own behavior and our own choices. We sometimes expend a whole lot of energy trying to make someone else do what we think they should do. We nag, we plead, we insist, we punish, we guilt-trip, and we even yell. Most of the time, our efforts wear us out more than they work on the other person.

You keep going & do what you think is best for you. We all pursue WLS because we believe it will afford us a better life in some way. Would it be awesome if your partner would also commit to a healthier lifestyle? Sure it would! But if your partner isn't willing to make changes, how willing are you to let go of needing he/she to change?

[Butterthebean 8,146]

Why does the partner have to change on your schedule? People will not tackle their health and weight issues until they're good and ready....and not a minute sooner. I don't know about you, but I was overweight for decades....then one day I decided to do something about it. But for many years before, doctors and relatives had been urging me to do something....I just wouldn't....until the day I decided enough was enough.

My wife married me when I was 400lbs and she was running marathons. Thank god she didn't decide I needed to be on her fitness and nutritional plan or we would have never been married.....so no....it's not a problem unless you make it one. JMHO

[soonerorlater 139]

I just feel that it will be alot harder if I make all these food changes and Hes there eating whatever he wants. I guess in a way to me it seems that hes not supporting the changes Im making. If that makes sense! I do appreciate all your feedback it lets me see things from a different perspective.

[soonerorlater 139]

Are you sure you're not already checked out?

It could be a lil bit of that.

[AtlantaRed 651]

My husband is fit (and has terrible eating habits) but even now, pre-sleeve, I don't join in. He has sweets after every meal. Just because they are in the house doesn't mean I have to eat them, and I don't. I will even still be able to cook for him and the rest of my family and not partake.

I will also be able to take myself to the gym if he doesn't go himself.

We do enjoy the same activities so when I am more physically able, I know our new activities will be more physical and I will be glad he is doing them with me but more because I love him and enjoy his company, not because I NEED him to do it with me for me to succeed. This is MY journey. I'm just glad I have him to love me through it!

Good luck!

[cathycnyrs 85]

My "skinny" husband started dating me at the point I had lost weight, but not all the weight and told me he loved me even if I gained all of it back plus some... and I did, and he does. He eats whatever he wants and loves to cook and blames himself for me gaining and wanting the surgery, although he is supportive. I've told him, it is my fault... not his. We've also talked about him feeding him, me feeding me and my daugher (17) feeding herself after my Pre-Op starts in a couple of days. Everyone is responsible for their own food needs. My daughter wants to eat healthy and been drinking the shakes - but even if she became my partner and wanted to do the Pre-Op diet with me, I am still in this by myself and can't blame anyone for any slips I make. I also don't want the diet police to move in on me. Think of how you'd feel if he starts monitoring everything you are eating.

[glostaff 40]

I had WLS on March 27, 2013. My husband, while he did support my decision, he did not make any changes to his eating habits. We have 13 (almost 14) year old twin boys. It is very hard to make them eat all healthy foods, so when we have pizza, I eat the toppings only. When we have spaghetti, I eat the meat sauce and cheese, ect. My husband does need to lose weight, but I know from experience that you have to do it when you are ready, no one can make you. So to answer your question, yes, I believe a relationship can make it if you partner is not willing to make changes with you. You are the one doing WLS, you make the changes you need and let him do what he needs. It's only food! right? good luck!

[Butterthebean 8,146]

I just feel that it will be alot harder if I make all these food changes and Hes there eating whatever he wants. I guess in a way to me it seems that hes not supporting the changes Im making. If that makes sense! I do appreciate all your feedback it lets me see things from a different perspective.

You're right....it would be easier...but that doesn't mean he doesn't support you. It's tough for people to face that demon. To change our lives is to admit that we had a problem previously...that's a tough thing to do. We know it....but still we deny it....until the day comes we own it. You've already done so. Perhaps your success will inspire him. But even if it doesn't, you can still be together and be happy.

[Madam Reverie 2,958]

My man is a card-carrying American from the deep South. His diet consists of: Fried chicken, Bacon, Mash Taters (as he likes to call them), Gravy, Collard Greens (which he can't get in the UK), Beef, Burgers, Ribs, Hog Roast, Chickens (usually eaten whole), Red Bull, coffee by the gallon load and if he could get him some pie... He'd be chowing down on that every evening, too. (I have promised to make him some, soon, when I am not craving anything which isn't a yoghurt/protein thing.)

He loves me - fat, thin or indifferent. He knows I eat waaaay more healthily than he does (and this was before my surgery and will continue on afterwards). The gross injustice of it all, is that whilst I was eating my 5 portions of fruit and veg a day, nice lean Protein and admittedly faaaar too many carbs; I was the fat one and he, who has the metabolism of an athlete, was as lean as a fighting machine. (Although, in truth, I suspect his BP is up and his cholesterol levels aren't so clever.)

But, I had the surgery and I am eating what I should and what I can. 4 days after surgery, I even stood in the kitchen and made him a roast chicken dinner with all the trimmings (and made him eat a whacking great portion of veg as compensation for my cooking it! Ha!)

My advice? If you're doing most of the shopping and cooking, you cook what YOU want to cook. In fairness, most men don't care what's served up to them, as long as it's tasty and filling and they don't have to cook it. If your man desires a bit of badness? Let him. Just don't be around him when he eats it. My man brought some fries home one evening and I was nearly beating my chest with frustration and crying my eyes out with longing. It turns out, it wasn't the fries I was craving. It was the salt. So I went into the kitchen and broke off a bit of a bullion cube and put it in my mouth. Job done.

As Endless identified; if you're on the way to checking out before you have this done, it isn't going to get much better afterwards. Searching for 'valid' reasons to call it a day under the guise of 'well, you just don't want to share my healthy endeavours', is both weak and unfair to him. If you have nagging doubts which aren't related to the surgery and diet, have the balls to evaluate what it is that's bothering you and tell him accordingly. He deserves that much, at least?

Wish you the best of luck x

[soonerorlater 139]

After hearing all your good advice it made me see things differently. I explained to him that I understand hes his own person and that Im not going to make it a issue for him to change his eating habits. I also feel that maybe as time goes on if hes not pressured to make changes that I want him to do that he will do them on his own. I know that regardless if hes on board or not that this is my journey and Im doing this for ME. And only the future will tell whats to come!!!

[Sassygirl06 962]

From death do us part to until its no longer convenient for us. That is what the new marriage vows should be.

No it won't work out for you, because if you are asking that question, then you don't want it to work out. If you did, then not working it out wouldn't be an option.

Unfortunately marriage just doesn't mean the same thing anymore. Not trying to be mean here, just truthful. Here is food for thought though, if you decided to change your diet, and your exercise habits.....get healthy, and lets say....one of your kids was overweight, still living at home, and refused to get on board, would that still work out?

Butterthebean.....you are awesome!

[SeriouslyChange 319]

My other half has always been a skinny person, and I gained a bunch of weight eating junk like him.

I'm 10 months post op. He still eats his mcdonalds and pizza, and I eat my chicken and tuna. He's not holding a gun to my head telling me to eat junk. If anything, I'll have one fry and he'll get on me about it. Since day one he has been my biggest supporter and cheerleader. As I now got into his jeans, he is very happy for me and my changes and though it's not for him, he never pressures me to eat the same as him.

You can't expect the world to change just because you get WLS. You need to learn to be around everyone and everything.

If it is a big problem, talk to him about it.

If you want out of your marriage, the door is right there too as no one is forcing you to stay either.

[Madam Reverie 2,958]

Yo! People! Be careful of making assumptions. The OP said nothing about being married....