Terrified to tell Mother/MIL about WLS. Need suggestions.

[MetroDetroitChic 86]

My husband and I are both having WLS in February next year. His mom is very... Well, she has definite opinions about things. To add to that, she had a member of her family die from WLS. (A long time ago, she had major eating issues and didn't follow post op directions). She will KILL us if we don't tell her. They live close and we see them often, they absolutely will find out.

We are considering telling her the night before the surgery. Literally. She will be a nervous wreck. I even have visions of her in the hospital waiting room scolding me for "our decision to get surgery". Maybe I am overreacting.

Maybe we should tell her early and have her attend the surgeons visit with us so she knows we have done our research??

I would love suggestions. Please.

-Beth

PS: We already told dad/FIL. He is supportive. He also agrees she will FLIP the @&$:/-! out and we should wait for as long as possible to tell her.

[RebecaSparkles 247]

How about maybe you make her a plate of " normal" sized servings for a calorie load you'll need to lose. For example-i'm allowed 1250 cal a day -so for dinner at a family meal I plated out everyone "my" sized serving of what was for dinner. It was 450 cal worth & not much- it was real food- roasted chicken, stuffing, green Beans, gravy, salad but once they realized how little that truely is they understood why I couldn't just eat less.

Then, invite her to come to one of those free informational seminar's your dr puts on so she can get the info from him.

If all else fails a good old pro /con chart usually pulls it through.

allons-y

[cathycnyrs 85]

I knew my mother would be a problem and was going to wait til close to the surgery, like a couple of weeks maybe. I kept talking about a guy at work that just had the surgery, and she finally asked when I was having it. It was like ripping off a bandaid. I've talked openly since then with her, and sometimes she says change the subject that surgery upsets her. She's also told my cousin that she thinks it is unnecessary. It is about fear. She is my mother and I can't leave her out, although I thought about it. I know I want her there when it happens. She even said that she can't drive the interstate, and she mentioned a week ago that she would see if she could get there by taking back roads... (not really possible). I told her that she was going with us. Surgery is 3:30 pm and my husband will bring her home after. I even included my cousin, because having him there will make her more comfortable - he's the type that tells jokes and brings laughter into situations.

In your situation I might wait a little longer to tell her, but I would give her enough time to make arrangements to be part of it in the end. Just my opinion.

[Pixie Dust 526]

I don't have any suggestions, just want to wish you both good luck. I chose not to tell anyone except my BFF who lives in another state, as well as an aunt & another cousin (who don't know each other & both of them also live out of state.) The only regret I have is telling that one cousin because every time we talk or she emails, the first question is "how much have you lost?" I still hate that question, like the integrity of the person I am is measured by my weight or how much I've lost. I'm going to say something to her soon about this because I resent her asking all the time.

Anyway, in your case, it does sound like not telling or waiting till you're headed to the hospital is the best way to go. I just told people I was having hernia surgery. I'm losing slowly so no one is the wiser. I'm still thrilled! Good luck to you & with your decison!

[Pixie Dust 526]

OMGosh, I just noticed you're having Dr. Krause do your surgery! You're going to just ***love*** him! He's so kind, sweet & gentle! Which "B" hospital are you having the surgery at? R.O.B. or T.B.? I had mine at T.B. & it was a nice experience (except for the crazy woman I had next to me who screamed all night & didn't let me rest! Thankfully they moved me to another room with the sweetest 97 y/o woman!)

[gmanbat 5,889]

I have a 37 year old daughter who has 2 wonderful daughters. She asks my advice at times but goes ahead with her life as she sees fit. This is as it should be. If she wanted me to run her life for her I would consider myself a failure as a father. I would think that I created an emotional cripple.

Look down at your belly. Do you see a cord there with the other end attached to your mother? If not then you are not dependent upon her. Her control over you is what you allow. If she bases the continuation of your relationship on your obedience to her every thought and prejudice she is the child here. Be kind to her but don't let her inability to cope limit your life.

Having her talk to the surgeon may help unless she contradicts him and tries to override his advice as well. Surgeons don't like that.

[MetroDetroitChic 86]

Look down at your belly. Do you see a cord there with the other end attached to your mother? If not then you are not dependent upon her. Her control over you is what you allow. If she bases the continuation of your relationship on your obedience to her every thought and prejudice she is the child here. Be kind to her but don't let her inability to cope limit your life.

It is important that we be respectful, however if we had strictly heeded her advice we wouldn't be moving forward and doing all pre-op stuff we are doing.

Just was looking for creative ways or advice to calm her down when telling her.

Anyone else have experience with this?

[Madam Reverie 2,958]

I chose the route 'tell them when it's a done deal'. Your FIL knows. Thats good enough in my books. If you know her, you know how she'll react; is it worth gearing yourselves up for a rollicking? A berating that will infiltrate your minds, impact upon your mood and confidence in the decision you both, as adults, already made?

If it were me? I'd tell her when it's a fete accompli...

If you want her on board and want her to eventually be supportive? Suck it up, sit her down with the FIL in the room, too (although be careful how you let her know that he knew first) and say it as it is. Be bold, be balsy and make it clear that you respect her opinion which is why you're telling her, but this is already a done deal and you want her to be there for you. However, the terms of her being informed is that she either climbs on board (as your minds are already made up) or she keeps her own counsel and lets you two, plus the FIL, get on with it.

Best of luck! x

[socalfosh 17]

I'm not telling anyone. Not anyone.

[MetroDetroitChic 86]

I'm not telling anyone. Not anyone.

How do you not tell someone you see every week -sometimes a couple of times per week? And when they ask you if you would like a soda... even a diet soda, how do you dodge that? I think it's just too much dodging for me. I'm not going to tell my mom or my brother that both live far away. But those family members we see super often I feel like I will need to tell.

[Chantel 67]

I was very nervous about telling my dad, but I was unsure how he would react. I just thought he might think it was unnecessary or that I could do it myself if I tried harder. In the end, though, I told him just before my surgery date and he was very understanding and supportive. The deciding factor for me, though, was this... What if, heaven forbid, something catastrophic happened in surgery and he didn't even know I was having surgery. I just couldn't live with the possibility of that. I also felt that he might be hurt if I chose not to share my plans with him.

[socalfosh 17]

I had lap band in 08 so maybe it's easier for me. I'm just not telling them I'm converting. But when people offer me a soda that don't know about the band I just say no thanks, I don't say I can't drink it because I have the Lap band. I think one could get away with saying they've made life changes without telling them about the surgery.

[gmanbat 5,889]

It is important that we be respectful, however if we had strictly heeded her advice we wouldn't be moving forward and doing all pre-op stuff we are doing.

Just was looking for creative ways or advice to calm her down when telling her.

Anyone else have experience with this?

Oh, sorry. I noted in your title that you were "terrified". That sounds like a bit too much fear and a problem for you. I was trying to help you get around that.

I know you are looking for clever things to say to calm her down. I will leave that to someone else.

If my mother went off on me I would just let her rant and probably laugh at her. I have always been somewhat difficult to control and can't understand folks that let others box them up, even relatives.

[MNMema 82]

_{I know she's your mother but don't tell her. You are an adult. It's your body. If you tell her after, she'll get over it. Sure, she might be P.O.'d at you to begin with, but she will get over it. I'm not trying to be rude, just honest. And so should you. If you know it's going to drive her into next week, then why put her and yourself through that! Here's wishing you both the best of luck with your surgeries and your decisions!!}

[Kindle 8,667]

I'm not telling my mom for the very reasons you don't want to. She will be extremely upset, try to talk me out of it, and be terrified and worried the whole time. I did tell my sister and although she doesn't think I should do it, she is supporting my decision. But the first thing she said was, Don't Tell Mom! I'm going to wait and tell her afterwards. I have no doubt she will still be upset and very pissed at me. And I mean REALLY pissed... I broke my back when I was 18 the day after my parents left for a two week "second honeymoon" vacation. The whole family (heck, the whole small town I lived in) agreed not to tell them till they came home. Why ruin their vacation? Well, we still hear about it 27 years later.... "Remember when you all lied to me...". But by not telling about my WLS, I will eliminate months of worry for her (I'm not getting sleeved until Jan) and a lot of pre op hassle for me.