Gentlemen... Please advise me! Re: Cheating

[Yasmine 109]

Question: Is the saying "Once a cheater... Always a cheater" true?

My situation: I am 36... Married with a 18 son & 17 year old daughter. I've been with my husband since I was 16 1/2 & him 21. After so many years of up & downs I found out that he was cheating- Three years into our relationship I caught him as well.

I found out about this last relationship... And that's why I got sleeved. This Nov. will mark my yr. anniversary post-op. I had been thinking about WLS for yrs, but I finally had enough courage to it! I wasn't sure if he was going to leave me, therefore I would lose my health coverage. At that point when I found out... He wanted to leave & I wanted to work things out. I begged him!

Since my surgery we are still "playing house" as husband & wife. He trys more now, but I am still very hurt & do not trust him. Now that I have lost wt. he is jealous & clingy. I have mixed feelings about this. In part it's nice, but it also offends me. Why the jealously now... Is it guilt... Or now that I am thinner - am I now worthy of your attention?!?!

Also... His cheating has opened up curiosity in me! Re: Another man... A different... happier future. I am not that type of woman... I am old-fashion. I was raised in a broken home. I know what it feels like to have step parents... Half siblings etc. And that is why I have always put my children first and remained married all these yrs. But my children are growing up... My son started college... My daughter will be a senior in H.S. next yr.

Do I stay with a man that I nolonger trust?

I know I will get the "Love" question... & Yes- after almost 20 yrs I have love for him... But I am not "in-love."

... Will he cheat on me again? How can I trust him?

Am I wasting my life away?

I would Love honest feedback...

[Pixie Dust 526]

Just my opinion but once you've lost trust, you've lost everything.

I wish you the best.

[Yasmine 109]

This was a Thread I started in January...

1/13/13

I am 35... Married with 2 kids... Ages 16 & 17

We started off young LOL

Well to be honest- Being a mother and wife consummed and defined me. Over the years I put myself on the back-burner' date=' and my body packed on the pounds 5 pds here... Another 5 there :/

Before I knew it- Years went by in a blink of an eye, and I found myself lost! The 2 titles I held dearest... Mother & Wife were fading. I was dealing with my two children who mean the world to me... Pushing away. I guess impart it's normal for High Schoolers to distance themselves... But I wasn't ready for the change... Especially from both at the same time! Oh how I missed the days of elementary & junior high!

Next my Hubby... My partner since the age of 16 1/2... Had an affair... Yes It was the most painful and hurtful experience I have ever delt with. I had NO idea... He was Sooooo sneaky... This went on for 8 months until I found out. My kids knew about the affair, because the lady contacted them via Facebook. And their way of coping was to confided in one another, and for my sake not tell me. The truth finally came out once I found out that my daughter was "cutting", and the reason why :'( Honestly this was too much to bare... I felt like I was in horrible Spanish- Novela

My kids were growing... and dealing with the effects of my crumbling life. My marriage was hanging by a thread. It was time to focus on repairing damages. My main focus was the kids, and offering them comfort and stability. Next myself...I started to eat less... Mostly due to stress, but after a while I made the choice to change. I watched my diet, and started to work out. The weight started to come off. I went from 310 - 240.

Since I wasn't sure if I would still have insurance through my husband I started the process for WLS. I had played with the idea for 5-yrs or so. But finally I was ready!!! I was sleeved on Nov. 12th, 2012 in Fresno, CA.

As for my family... We have attended counseling, though the church and privately, and some how we are still standing. My children are happier & healthy ... and my husband and I are working on reconnecting... I'm still a Mother & Wife... The only difference is that I finally am taking care of me.

I realized... I'm not just a Mother and Wife... I'm a person too!!! What did I do to myself... My highest weight was 310. I felt unhealthy & ugly. Over the years I excluded myself from actitives due to embrassment. I was tired of feeling like a failure... I wanted to renew my life!

I'm only 2 months out, and I know that WLS was a great choice. It may not fix everything, but the changes in my personal life and weight are getting better!

Thanks be to God O:-)<[/quote']

[lotti 154]

Cut it off!

[Yasmine 109]

Then & Now...

[ATTACH]18912[/ATTACH]

[ATTACH]18913[/ATTACH]

CURRENT WT. 152 PDS.

[ATTACH]18914[/ATTACH]

[lotti 154]

Once a cheater always a cheater think about transmitted diseases gross! I am a b***h and if my man cheated I would cut it off put it in a blender and feed it to him then I would make a phone call.

[scarbedazzles 74]

I've seen couples who've worked this out before but I think for me I could never be the same sexually again. It is a betrayal, but it's also something never forgotten even if you want to forgive. You are well on your way to being the best version of YOU that you've been in years. I'd let him watch you emerge from that cocoon you've been hiding in, then he can watch as you fly away. I wish you all the best and I know doing what everyone tells you to do is tough. We don't know how entwined your lives are and how your children/family will be affected. I still believe though that you need to do what's right for you.... "to thine own self be true"

[cbware01 12]

Question: Is the saying "Once a cheater... Always a cheater" true?

My situation: I am 36... Married with a 18 son & 17 year old daughter. I've been with my husband since I was 16 1/2 & him 21. After so many years of up & downs I found out that he was cheating- Three years into our relationship I caught him as well.

I found out about this last relationship... And that's why I got sleeved. This Nov. will mark my yr. anniversary post-op. I had been thinking about WLS for yrs, but I finally had enough courage to it! I wasn't sure if he was going to leave me, therefore I would lose my health coverage. At that point when I found out... He wanted to leave & I wanted to work things out. I begged him!

Since my surgery we are still "playing house" as husband & wife. He trys more now, but I am still very hurt & do not trust him. Now that I have lost wt. he is jealous & clingy. I have mixed feelings about this. In part it's nice, but it also offends me. Why the jealously now... Is it guilt... Or now that I am thinner - am I now worthy of your attention?!?!

Also... His cheating has opened up curiosity in me! Re: Another man... A different... happier future. I am not that type of woman... I am old-fashion. I was raised in a broken home. I know what it feels like to have step parents... Half siblings etc. And that is why I have always put my children first and remained married all these yrs. But my children are growing up... My son started college... My daughter will be a senior in H.S. next yr.

Do I stay with a man that I nolonger trust?

I know I will get the "Love" question... & Yes- after almost 20 yrs I have love for him... But I am not "in-love."

... Will he cheat on me again? How can I trust him?

Am I wasting my life away?

I would Love honest feedback...

Have you tryed councling yet?

[Yasmine 109]

Yes... But after my surgery we stopped. I was focusing on recovering, and now he doesn't want to go. He feels like its a step backwards rehashing details etc. He is very cowardly, and doesn't want to re-live his errors... Selfish!

[Camella 209]

I've been married twice (happily the second time). But I believe that your heart knows the answer (what ever that may be). Sometimes it is hard to hear what our heart is trying to tell us. You are a beautiful women and from your posts you sound like you are becoming courageous and strong. I'm sure you will make the right decision! Trust yourself

[RichardVST 20]

Sad story. Congrats to you on your success and most importantly for taking control of your life. I don't think any of us can tell you what to do. Everyone has a different perspective, history, background, religion, kid situation, etc. Only you can know what is best for you and your family. But now that you are healthy physically and looking great, give yourself time to heal and grow mentally. Same for your husband. Not to excuse his behavior, which sucks and is never excusable, but your history is dynamic and influenced from all sides. Get help, set boundaries, see if he changes, see how you change - you might like it or you may not. But you will know when and what to do. I've been married 30 years and those ups and downs, and going through the motions, etc are there even in the best marriages. I am currently on one of the upswings and am glad to be around and together to enjoy it. Don't know if it would be the same or what it would be like in a different or new relationship. Be patient and strong. Good luck.

[maj0rl0ser 21]

Hey, I'm a guy and I've been married for almost 30 years with no kids. Some men can just be uncaring dogs. Never once have I cheated and if I ever had the slightest thought about cheating then as far as I'm concerned, this relationship would be over. Both of us work and are totally capable of paying our own ways in life. We've always agreed to never hold each other back in our lives and we would never put the other through the heartbreak of cheating (besides, my wife is a better shot than I am). My father cheated on my mother many times through the years and she took him back "for the sake of the kids". What a mistake that was. They finally got divorced when I was 16 years old.

Sure, you can go get counseling and everything might be okay. But the fact that he got caught (not that he screwed up) will always hang over his head. He will always think that you have one over him that you will never forget and always hold against him (which you would).

If you haven't done it already, you'd better figure out how you can be fully self sufficient. And then you should start acting like it. Your kids are basically grown and ready to strike out on their own (or they should be). It's your choice at this point, stay with him hoping he's faithful or continue the path you've already started with the massive weight loss and start a totally new life. Your kids ain't gonna think anything less of you since they already know their father is a cheating ****** bag.

BTW- I can't believe the b***h had the nerve to contact your kids on FB. For what reason?

[Yasmine 109]

Hey' date=' I'm a guy and I've been married for almost 30 years with no kids. Some men can just be uncaring dogs. Never once have I cheated and if I ever had the slightest thought about cheating then as far as I'm concerned, this relationship would be over. Both of us work and are totally capable of paying our own ways in life. We've always agreed to never hold each other back in our lives and we would never put the other through the heartbreak of cheating (besides, my wife is a better shot than I am). My father cheated on my mother many times through the years and she took him back "for the sake of the kids". What a mistake that was. They finally got divorced when I was 16 years old.

Sure, you can go get counseling and everything might be okay. But the fact that he got caught (not that he screwed up) will always hang over his head. He will always think that you have one over him that you will never forget and always hold against him (which you would).

If you haven't done it already, you'd better figure out how you can be fully self sufficient. And then you should start acting like it. Your kids are basically grown and ready to strike out on their own (or they should be). It's your choice at this point, stay with him hoping he's faithful or continue the path you've already started with the massive weight loss and start a totally new life. Your kids ain't gonna think anything less of you since they already know their father is a cheating ****** bag.

BTW- I can't believe the b***h had the nerve to contact your kids on FB. For what reason?[/quote']

Thank you for your advice... You are so right! I need to prep myself mentally & financially. I want off of this hamster wheel.

Tonight is another sleepless night... We are arguing- and he just shuts me out with the silent treatment and is on the couch downstairs. I am tried of this life!

[MIJourney 490]

Sorry for what you're going through.

Life is too short to be unhappy.

[MichiganChic 3,262]

I think only you can decide for yourself, and from your words, it sounds to me like you are done. You are beautiful and smart, and I think you are strong, too. We each know our tolerance level for crap others put on us, and it's up to us to set those limits. Since his cheating happened once before in your marriage, I think it's safe to assume that since it happened a second time, it could also happen again. It's up to you to decide if that's the life you want for yourself, and you said you are tired of this life. You are powerful - so use your power wisely. You said you are prepping yourself mentally and financially, so that's a very wise move on your part. Getting your weight under control was the first step to taking charge of your life, and in many ways, it may have been the most difficult, so I believe you are well poised for a successful and happy future.