Dealing with "not fat" friends

[avanti 92]

one of my best friends weighs 137#s at 5'7" which is well within the healty range.. but everytime she saw me.. she kept saying.. she needs to lose weight and that she is fat! I showed her the good old color coded BMI chart and she was happy with her weight..and settled on the idea that she needed some toning.. not weight loss.. this was a happy story..

and then there is one of my friend's spouse.. who weighs 140#s at 5'6".. she is completly obsessed with my weight loss.. and i have no idea how to deal with it.. there are some days when i just want to shout at the top of my voice.. you are not fat.. stop being a b****!!! over the last two months she has been on crash diets twice.. has mentioned more than once to me.. "I'm jealous you get to buy cute clothes now.. and i can't".. I mean seriously..! she is a size 8.. I'm 16!! When we are dining out.. she knows exactly how much i'm eating and makes a fuss about it...

I feel bullied by her.. and these days when i know she will be around.. i end up wearing my old 2x and size 20 clothes just so that she will leave me alone..

has anyone had experiences like this..? how do i deal with people like this?

ps: she does not know i've had the sleeve.. and never will.. a friend was suggesting arm lift and this lady had to voice her opinion.. "I'd rather die than have unnecessary surgery"

[sissy2124 1]

I have a friend who is on the higher end of her healthy bmi and has always been obsessed with her weight and appearance. She says terrible things about herself and it would make me feel bad because I'm so much larger than she is.

Then when I told her I was having the surgery, she's obsessed with the fact that I will be "skinny" and says she needs to get on track (and she always does it in an unhealthy manner)

I don't have any recommendations for you other than the stuff you mentioned, recognize that it's "her stuff"....her issues...so try not to take the load on yourself.

[GreenEyedFireCracker 21]

Okay, best advice I've been given is that what other people think of you has nothing to do with YOU. That's their own Sh*t. A friend who had bypass said do not worry about other people and just do your thing because you will have friends who "side" with you, frIends who disagree with you, and friends who change their mind along the way as they see you changing. I have't quite experienced anything like this and I'm sure thats annoying, as I am only on week 3 post op, but one thing I know for sure is people's self perception has nothing to do with what they look like on the outside. Everyone has issues with their own bodies i.e. some who might be considered "small" may think they are sooo fat, and some "fat" people might be very confident and happy with how they look. My advice for you is have an honest talk with your friend and tell her that her obsessing over your weight, etc is "harshing your mellow", lol. Good luck!

[preetyfatchic 101]

I agree!!! Its HER problem... HER issue... you dont have to bwnd over backwards to accomodate her and her insecurities... Do not feel guilty or bullied by her into wearing your old clothes or eating that one extra bite simply to make her feel better. You had this surgery to enrich your life...do not let insecure idiots ruin it for you... Cheers

Sent from my GT-I9100 using VST

[Roo101769 742]

That is VERY annoying, isn't it? I believe there are just people who are "diet" junkies. Whether they need to lose weight or not. They know there is SOMETHING in their lives that they are not happy with. But for whatever reason they do not try to change that and focus on body image. I blame society in large part for so many people having body image issues. I don't think they are honestly trying to trigger you to be upset, but they are certainly placing their efforts and focus on the wrong thing in their lives. Also, I think when some folks see another being successful at changing what bothers them ( such as weight loss, not matter the method, in a very overweight/obese person) they are jealous. Not having to do anything with whether you look better than them or whatever. More because YOU actually made a change for the better in your life, something they wish they could do! Thing is, you will never be able to change this type of person. No matter what you say, how well you explain how it makes you feel, it won't change. It is stemming from their own personal demons. If you chose to stay friends with these people, I would just chalk it up to what it is and let it go. Otherwise I would avoid them if it really bothers you. Some people who go through extreme weight loss do change their personalities. But I also strongly believe it is others around us who change too, in how they now treat us.

[kathp 81]

My surgeon keeps saying he is operating on our stomachs and not our brains. And some people out there just need more help on their brains and not really any help on their stomachs (Oops, that's judging, isn't it?)

Seriously, I think you took a positive step towards YOUR health. Choosing to share what that step was (surgery) is your choice. I shared. You are under no obligation to share. However, you should be confident in your loss and in your new health and your new look and how good you feel. Don't feel you should hide because of how someone else acts.

Having said that, if you value these friends, for whatever reasons, you don't need us to approve. You just need to realize that the problem is theirs, and while they may never accept that they are really healthy, their issue is not yours. But don't let them derail you! I have a friend who has had surgery and still says she's fat, because she just can't get the mental image out of her head. And she fits into a size 2 these days. And looks dang good doing it! So, everyone has issues. I just know going into a converasation with this friend that she's going to say she's fat and I choose to remind her she's not. I don't personalize her comments to mean that I'm fatter. She's actually supportive of me and knows she's got an issue, really. But, if these other people don't acknowledge they've got an issue, you can chose not to associate with them, or you can chose to let their issues be THEIRS.

Self image and how to deal with it is vastly under-recognized with bariatric surgery. But I think it's under-dealt with in general, with everyone. Some days we could all use some prozac sprinkled on the corn flakes. LOL.

Congrats on your success! Celebrate the new you! Be confident, you've earned it!

[gmanbat 5,889]

Some people are highly unchangeable. Trying to help them change is an exercise in futility.

When I encounter such people that I want to change but cannot... I change myself.

I can change how I react.

I decide what reaction would be the best one that would maintain my dignity and peace and still not be malicious to the antagonist. I write the screenplay. Then I turn on the actor in me and react that way. Sometimes I channel Cary Grant or John Wayne, (without the speech mannerisms ). Enough times in performance and the doofus toxin no longer affects me.

Acting is not lying. It is calling up another phase of your personality or tapping into influences that have formed it.

[PdxMan 4,292]

We have to remember that just because a person is not morbidly obese, doesn't mean they do not have issues with their relationship with food or how they see themselves. Years ago my sister had an adjacent hospital room with a woman dealing with anorexia. I was 15 years old and saw her in the hallway. She was emaciated. Hate to use the analogy, but the only way I can describe how she looked was akin to images you may have seen of POWs or holocaust victims. I had noticed that she would always be sitting in a chair and not laying in bed. In the hallway, I asked her why and she said that people burn more calories sitting up rather than laying. I asked her why she need to burn more calories and she said because she was fat.

She died a week later.

Yes, this is an extreme case, but "normal" weight people have issues with food and self image, too. As others have posted, this is her issue. Don't make it yours.

[italian-girl 152]

Yeah, I have friends who think they need to either lose weight or get boobs or a nose job or whatever.. It's their issues with something internal, whatever it may be its not your issue.. People tend to try to get into your business because they don't like to admit they have their own issues..

Ignore her.. Be confident wear the clothing you feel amazing in.. If she says something about you wearing cute clothes just say thanks! I love this shirt.. Or pants or whatever it is...

You are on this weight loss journey for you not anyone else. Be proud of your success even if people don't like it..

[avanti 92]

Thank You all for your suggestions..

I tried to talk to her yesterday.. tried to explain that it makes me uncomfortable when my weight loss is discussed in almost all conversations.. showed her my food and exercise logs for the previous month and reasoned that its a struggle everyday to stay on track.. and I don't really want temptations..

Well.. lets just say.. I'm not going to be seeing her until she does not stop rubbing off her insecurities on me..

[BrownDoesAll 409]

I am an "in your face, no holds bar person" so my advice is to sit her down, when its just the two of you and tell her how you feel. Tell her how it makes you feel when she comments. If she continues, I would ignore her. Let her deal with her own issues and not make them yours. I have a cousin that is very envious of my weight loss. She says I took the easy way out.. (ohh. that made me really mad)). I ignored her for a very long time, then finally had to say something when I purchased some really nice jeans that I looked pretty good in.. and she said " Oh you think your cute" and I said.." Why yes I do".. She commented about not going out to diner with me because I don't eat anything. That's when I finally sat her down and we had a heart to heart. She didn't realize how her comments made me feel until I told her. Since she and I are really close ( as I am sure you and your friend are close).. She was able to reign in her negative comments. My advice, sit her down and have a good heart to heart.

[SuperFab 689]

When you dwell on what others think of you, you're picking up their **** and carrying it around with you. You can't embrace your own life if your hands are too full of someone else's ****. Put it down.

Everyone has their own insecurities and, unfortunately, as you keep losing weight your friends are going to make comparisons. You have to let it roll off your back and let them come to terms with their own issues.

With this type of surgery the weight loss is so rapid that it is definitely not something that is going to go unnoticed. You just have to keep your own head in the game and remember that no matter what weight your friend may be, she has her own self image in her head that she's dealing with.

[Sleeve Siren 307]

Thank You all for your suggestions.. I tried to talk to her yesterday.. tried to explain that it makes me uncomfortable when my weight loss is discussed in almost all conversations.. showed her my food and exercise logs for the previous month and reasoned that its a struggle everyday to stay on track.. and I don't really want temptations.. Well.. lets just say.. I'm not going to be seeing her until she does not stop rubbing off her insecurities on me..

Good choice! I was going to say that it sounds like she's insecure, unhappy with herself, and needs to feel superior to someone. Your weight loss is a threat to all three of those things and she's scrambling to maintain her warped sense of herself. I would've told her point blank. "As my friend I expect you to be supportive of positive decisions I make for my life. Your behavior has not helped at all and is in fact hurtful. I love to share my journey with you but your behavior has to change. I need to focus on the changes I'm making and won't allow any distractions including friends with "good intentions" that still make me feel bad about doing something good for myself."

Now if she wasn't receptive to that then I'd chuck the duces to her.

[Sydney Susan 333]

And if/when you do run into her again, perhaps try to stop her in her tracks with a short, sharp "I'm not defined by my weight so let's just change the topic" and do.

You've been as good a friend as you can be by taking her by the hand and explaining why she needs to change her behaviour. The rest is up to her.

Good on you for all you've done. Rest easy with it.

[Nurse_B 270]

I also have a few difficult friends . One of which is overweight, and the other who is normal weight. My overweight friend is constantly yo-yo dieting. She jumps on any bandwagon having to do with weight loss. When I told her I was having this surgery, she was angry. She felt I was taking the easy way out, while she was struggling and doing it the "right way". I am not sure eating gluten free 2 out of 7 days is the "right way", but it's her journey. I had to sit her down and explain to her, I needed her support, not her judgement, not her negative thoughts. I respect her choices with her body, so I expect the same in return. She doesn't really ask me much about my surgery, and I can already see when I loose weight there may be a drastic change in our friendship. It was tough to think about, but for once in my life I am making ME a priority. Those who can support me and be there for me are the ones I need to rely on and be around. The other people hopefully will get on board, but if they don't, I have to be ok with walking away. I hope your friend gets on board with you, as I do mine. Good luck to you!