MotheR in law issues

[BlueClementine 70]

So my MIL and I have a stormy relationship, I married her only child and have not seen fit (In her opinion) to give her a grandchild. There are lots of other issues that have been boiling beneath the surface for the past 16 years... I have basically hid from her over the last few years as I have battled with depression and panick disorder.

I know she has always thought I wasn't good enough for her son. I have tried to come to terms with my feelings towards her, but as she has said and done so many hurtful things over the years, it's a HARD struggle.

My husband loves her and I've tried to as well. I don't want him to not have a healthy relationship because of me.

So tonight we are going to her home and it will be the first time I've seen her in about 6 months, and I am one moth post op. I'm having such anxiety over this dinner! How am I going to react if she says or does something critical or unkind?

Can I keep my mouth shut like I have before or will I lose it?

He loves us both and that's all that should matter, but I am scared it will go badly. It's so awful to have this kind of reaction to your own family!! HELP! anyone else have issues with family that has erupted after surgery?

I just feel like swallowing anymore oh her bullshit is just poison and toxic for me and my health and feelings of worth...

[newat52 1,613]

You can't control what people will say or how they act. You can only control how you REACT to it. You teach people how to treat you. If your pattern with her is for her to push your buttons and she gets the reaction she wants. Success.

Change the pattern. If she says something hurtful. Say, wow, that hurts my feelings. Or I'm sorry you feel that way or whatever ever the issue is. What I'm trying to say is don't give the reaction she is looking for. If she says something critical that you are doing, simply reply with, I'll give that some thought and change the subject.

She will probably get more annoying for awhile while she is learning the new pattern but it will only work if you are willing to see it through. You can't expect a new result with the same habits. Just like in our eating, we have to change the habits.

On the other hand...being a new Mother in Law myself, I also see the the automatic wall that a new bride can put up and can be overly sensitive. It can build up over the years. Chances are you have a role in this as well.

Just remember if nothing else, your Mother in Law raised the most amazing man in the world, right? She must have done something right.

Now go put on your smaller big girl panties and have a great night?

I expect a report back tomorrow!

[DianaE 128]

IMO the husband / son should not allow anyone to mistreat you. The mother will either learn to treat you with respect or not have as much contact with son.. I am sure she would change over time.

It is hard for me to believe how many people out there tink they have the right to make others so unhappy.. Just makes me so mad.

[newat52 1,613]

How did it go last night?

[BlueClementine 70]

Newat52, your reply really resonated with me yesterday and I put all of my energy into resetting my mindset (and doing my hair/makep/etc. - tried to look and feel my best when I walked through the door). I had a smile on my face and I kept my son by my side the entire time (he's 18 and very funny, I asked him to not leave me alone with her so she couldn't slide in any comments that others can't hear like she typically does).

Anyway, she seemed pretty confused about half an hour in. We were there for two hours, and she said, wow, you seem so more confident and relaxed in your own skin! I haven't seen you look this good in years! Every time she said something nice I went out of my way to respond warmly and genuinely. I never once gave her an inch to say or do anything "off" and I actually realized I was enjoying myself! GASP!!! I was laughing and joking and when we got home, my husband to,d me that was one of the best visits we've had in years!!!!

And his mom pulled him aside and told him that this surgery was the best decision I/we've made and she's so happy to see the old me shinig through... So I must say your advice was EXACTLY what I needed to hear to get me to focus on the positive and not the negative.

And I also realized that maybe I have been overly sensitive and prickly, always waiting for the "attack" and being on defense mode instead of relaxing and trying to just be myself.

So while we may not have the best of relationships, at least I know we can spend time together without conflict if I just get my head right and not give her an opportunity or reason to criticize me or our relationship.

I think this was my first NSV!

Thanks again for the great advice and I hope you have a terrific day!

All my best,

Blue

[indecision 863]

Glad everything went well for you and the family! It can be tough when your at odds with the in laws!

[lnelson796 117]

Congratulations! What a win for you. My relationship with my MIL isn't always sunshine and roses either, I'll remember this myself and try to live up to your positive example.

[newat52 1,613]

I'm so glad it went well! Think of it as a new starting point. I remember back in the day before the wheel was invented how intimated I was by my new MIL. It was so easy to find fault and take her benign comments a bit too personally. Over the years, and yes, it did take years, I loosened up and and we actually became very close.

My relationship with my own mother was strained for the last 15 years of her life. I had to put the "keep it light and polite" principal to work very hard there. For every negative, I posed a positive. I know it frustrated her but eventually, she came to understand the pattern and said either something positive or nothing at all around me. It was interesting though, with others who had not taken control of it, she would do her negative magic and she would get her "reaction." It was during those times it really taught me that we do teach people how to treat us.

You may never be close with your MIL but hopefully, you can take control enough to make being around her, even for the sake of your husband and son a pleasant experience for all.

Keep up the great work! You are going to love your sleeve more and more as each week passes! It will change your life for the better! :)