Newbie, questions and concerns

[Jennifer Bennett 0]

Hello, My name is Jennifer, and my husband and I went to one of the bariatric surgery seminars a few weeks ago. We have had a follow up with the surgeon, appt with the dietitian, and my husband has attended I think 3 weekly support/information meetings that his surgeon runs.

I'm posting here, because I truly want honesty and I'm not sure where else to put this. I am having some major concerns at this point. A little about me-I am not overweight, and I have no idea what that is like. I am a recovering addict, so the "addiction" issues that my husband has I do understand somewhat, I realize however that having food as an "addiction" is very different than drug and alcohol addiction. My husband (and I ) are 40. He is about 5'10" and currently weighs about 280. He has struggled with weight his entire life, but there have been times he was able to lose and keep weight off. This is the most he has ever weighed. I know he is miserable, depressed, uncomfortable, in pain and has no energy. We have gone through every diet, Meal Replacement, weight loss pills, etc-if they work, he stops doing them and then the weight comes back. He hates diets, hates being told, "you can't eat that" All the diets we have tried, low-carb, high Protein, he quickly abandons because of the restrictions.

After our first one on one discussion with his surgeon we were talking about some of the lifestyle changes. His surgeon is a vegan, and my husband very clearly stated, well, I'm not going to do that kind of diet. He came home after group last night and appeared agitated and angry. We are dealing with some budget issues as well right now, and one of our huge expenditures is eating out, so that's something we are trying to drastically reduce. I went grocery shopping yesterday and on the way home I was thirsty so I got one of those frozen coffee things from burger king. This apparently was what triggered my husbands anger. After he had been home for a while, (he went and laid down almost immediately after he got home) he came into the kitchen and we were eating dinner. We started talking about how his meeting went, and it became very clear that he was really upset. My husband is normally pretty laid back, so this was a bit odd. Basically what it came down to is that he feels that we ALL eat lousy food and he doesn't want this lifestyle change to be "all his fault" and we really need to learn how bad all the food we eat is. OK, so over the past few years, I have changed a lot about our diet. I have traded out regular pastas for either whole wheat, rice, or veggie options, we don't eat potatoes hardly ever, low sodium everything, more salads and fresh veggies and fruits. If hamburger is in this house at all its 96% lean, more often its been replaced by ground turkey. I read and try to stay informed about healthy food choices. I do have 3 kids at home, all of whom pack a lunch every day. They have available to them quick microwave heat up things like pizza or chicken nuggets, there are chips and granola bars and applesauce, and puddings for Snacks to go with lunch. There is also fresh fruit that they take as well. Jason (my husband) seems to think this all needs to change. There shouldn't be any "junk" type foods ever, we are teaching our kids horrible eating habits, they are going to hit their 30s and 40s and become overweight. bread is a useless food, unless it's homemade due to preservatives and even then it's minimally nutritious at best, (he became aware just last night I believe that he prob can't eat bread, or pastries or pancakes etc once he does this surgery) Bread and carbs are a bigger attraction for him than say candy and Cookies. Eliminating those items in the past for diets has caused him to hate diets. I'm concerned that if he goes thru with surgery he will just end up more depressed and angry at the limitations he is going to be under. Any thoughts?

[JerseyGirl68 1,172]

Hi Jennifer

I think it is fantastic that you joined up in support of your husband.

I think the biggest misconception may be that there are foods we can't eat after surgery. Granted there are MANY items we shouldn't eat, but unless for some reason he can't tolerate something, the option to have his favorites, in moderation, are there.

Bread is hard for a lot of folks, its just too dense and heavy. There is no way to know exactly how he will be effected.

I love my carbs too, and I know I need to stay away from them to really get the most out of my weight loss efforts. This has ALWAYS been the case, not just post op. Carbs are necessary for a balanced diet, but most have no real nutritional value. Since we take in so few calories, we really want to get the most bang for our buck, so I try to stay away. I just found some wraps (Fiber One honey wheat) that I will have for lunch on occasion.

Your switching to whole wheat pastas etc, is a great step in aiding his changing habits.

I had a conversation with my mother not too long ago, she has never had any weight issues and we were a large family of 10 kids, so she never really thought about the food we ate growing up and how it does shape our habits throughout out life, just that we had enough.

We had lots of bread and Pasta, quick meals that fed a lot of people for less money. It was a way of life, and that's what it needed to be at the time. But looking back, my habits were formed early on, it was up to me to change them.

I completely understand his not wanting his struggles to be ones your children have later on and his wanting it to change now.

That being said, it has got to be hard for a whole family to make sweeping changes, but some are for the overall better good.

I don't have children, but I do have my young nieces & nephews come over a lot. Yogurt, cheese sticks, fruit. all acceptable snack items that are all still good for me too. keeping an open dialog is most important, if there is an item that he feels having around will make it really hard for him then maybe talk with the kids and see if they can take one for the team & dad and do away with for a while. I also can understand needing there not to be junk food in the house, maybe each of the kids can pick their own healthier alternative while he is in the early stages. I have been keeping pre-portioned packs of nuts as a snack, it gives me a crunch and on my plan. Making the decisions as a family for the overall good should make it a little easier at least.

He may not realize all the changes you have been making behind the scenes. There are a few really good websites that have very tasty family friendly recipes. www.theworldaccordingtoeggface.com and www.emilybites.com The kids most likely won't even realize these are "healthier" options.

If his inquiry about surgery opened more of a dialog about healthy eating habits for the family, there is no "fault" there.

He might need to think about it in a different way, or at least know that you don't think of it that way.

Every summer I go away with a big group of my family to the beach. This year I put it out there to my many nieces and nephews to bring their bikes as a way of getting from one house to another (and to get me moving on vacation) They JUMPED at it, they loved that I wanted to ride with them and every one brought a bike, the whole week we rode and they never thought it was more than a great way to spend time together. My point really has to do with perception.

There is a sub-forum here The Man's room. He & youmay get unique point of view by checking it out.

Again, I really applaud your efforts to understand what he is going through and your willingness to do what you can to make the process easier.

Best of luck to you all!!

[MetroDetroitChic 86]

Suggestion: plan out the meals for the week so that he can feel like he's not being set up to fail. Make sure he agrees. Then he can be comfortable that he has set up a plan to eat better. It works AWESOME for our household. (We even pre-make all the meals on Sunday for the week using Americas Test Kitchen Healthy Cookbook. They have "make ahead" recipes. It's great!)

However, if after all the planning you decide to get a shake from a drive thru, then he needs to deal with that. You don't have the issue... he does. I don't get stressed when my brother brings over a six pack of beer that I know I can't touch. Jealous? Maybe. But not mad. Just part of the new lifestyle he needs to accept.

My two cents...! I wish you luck!

[MissErika 65]

This is something that he has to do. This is a permanent change. I do get upset watching my parents eat bad foods because they are a trigger and I want it, but I can't take it out on them. It sounds like he isn't ready to do this surgery. I know that everyone goes through ups and downs but really - ask him if this is something he wants to do. He should be excited, not angry. If he isn't ready to give up bad foods, he can't move forward and will most likely fail. He physically won't be able to eat food for a long time - is he prepared for that?

If he decides he doesn't want to do this, I recommend weight watchers honestly with clean eating. That way he can have the foods he enjoys, in moderation, but will be tracked. Or go to a NUT and follow their plan.

I must say, though, a supportive family makes everything easier. You can plan your meals and cook on sunday and freeze them for the week, that's what I do. That way the kids get good nutrition too. You could always make low carb/healthy pizzas and chicken nuggets too when you want the taste but not the excess calories.

[unbesleevable1 420]

I agree with the above poster. He may not be quite ready yet for the lifestyle change that is required after surgery. I think to go through with this surgery, you have to be willing to do 'whatever it takes'. A lot like addiction, you have to reach a point when you're so done with it all, that you become willing to make changes. I'm sure you understand that. Sounds like he is going through the stages of grieving. Denial, anger, bargaining, acceptance.... you are doing all the right things, being supportive. Remember when you gave up drugs/alcohol and you went through mourning a loss like you'd lost your best friend? Give him time, encourage him to get support (OA? Bariatric Support Group?) and maybe he'll get to where he needs to be to be successful.

[HatheryOnHerWay 603]

It almost sounds to me like he's angry that he'll have to make changes, so he wants the rest of the family to "suffer" too. I know I've felt that way many times in the past. Eating my salad and glaring at my husband while he mows down on French fries without gaining a pound...

We all go through a wide range of emotions with our weight issues: anger, depression, etc. I think it's so important to understand these feelings so they don't get the best of you post-surgery.

[M2G 1,836]

JerseyGirl hit every nail right on the head! First of all I love that you are supporting him and this forum can be a valuable resource to you both.

This IS a frustrating time, and it's hard because we have to eat every day. We can't just "go without" unlike other addictions. With that being said, there will be a lot of changes that he will need to make especially during the losing phase when he is actively trying to lose weight. The high Protein, low carb is recommended by most surgeons for maximum weight loss. I would say that he will eventually be able to eat almost anything in moderation. Portion sizes will change vastly and that will be for life!

He is about the same height/weight of my husband (who was sleeved 2.5 years ago) and he is currently in the 210-214 range and maintains his weight quite easily. He also can manage to eat more than I can and NOT gain weight. Pffftt men!

If he is ready to do this surgery, and you are ready to support him, I think he can have some great results, BUT he needs to WANT this. And even though we all go through frustration (as all the ^^above^^ posters mentioned...anger, grief, etc.) it comes down to this being an individual journey, and everyone is different. He needs to want this for himself, and there is no sense in blaming anyone else for his current body or state of mind.

We also have 2 pre-teen daughters who I worry constantly about their eating habits, body image, etc. They are both very healthy and yes we did make some changes in our family. We did NOT make the changes overnight and they are pretty simple changes. My kids know if they want something like Cheezits, they need to take out one of the tons of mini-bowls that we have, and pour themselves a small amount. No mindless hand-reaching into the box for more, more, more. We do mostly low carb but don't deprive the kids 100% from carbs/sweets. Trust me there are days that I want to eat some of the crap that my kids want, but I cannot expect them to eat like they have been sleeved and I know some people will say that if it is "there" (ie in their house, then they will eat it) and yes it does take a lot of effort to avoid eating crap it's up to us to say "no" that is not going to help my weight loss efforts. We also try to encourage exercise, etc.

While the journey is individual, you, and your family will probably need to make some accommodations to help your husband reach his goals. Especially in the first couple of months post-op is when most of the biggest changes and challenges take place.

I wish you all nothing but the best of luck!

[Jennifer Bennett 0]

Thanks everyone for all your input, I really appreciate all your thoughts! He has seemed back on an even keel since the other day. His 2nd appt with the dietitian is in two weeks and I will be with him for that, I think I will bring up my concerns there. I am hoping he was having a bad day. For the most part, even tho there are some junk foods in the house, it's pretty rare that they are consumed in front of him at all. The kids take that stuff to school with them, and even if they have chips or something after school, he usually isn't home from work-the times we eat together we are eating the same thing, his portions will just be smaller post surgery. I think I will send him the link for the site so he can come check it out too =)

Jennifer

[karritous 17]

Eating is just a chore. You don't think about it anymore. It's like washing clothes. You just have to do it and not think about it and focus on other things. That's key . Because if you have to spend time thinking about what u are having to eat u will go nuts

So get a Hobby, distraction , kids , books, whatever.

Follow the stupid rules. And you'll get great results feel better and lose that weight

It becomes habit being hungry all the time.