Divorce/ break up post sleeve?

[bethxxx 304]

I feel like I'm going crazy!

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now and when we first got together I was a complete mess. I had serious depression, my life was pretty much falling apart and he immediately started looking after me, like he sort of rescued me.

Then I had surgery in January this year. My life completely changed! I now exercise every day, I am so happy, I'm healthy and I feel alive again. It seems like my boyfriend doesn't really like the changes he sees. I think he likes to play the 'rescuer' role and now that I don't need that anymore I get very annoyed at him constantly looking over my shoulder, monitoring my every move.

He also hasn't made much of an effort to try to change with me, I want to go out and exercise, he wants to sit on the couch and eat pizza. I feel like he is holding me back from achieving more, he gets upset if I stay at the gym too late or if I mention I want to take an extra class etc.

He also doesn't contribute financially at all, which didn't used to bother me but why does it bother me now? I own my house and he doesn't pay me any rent, doesn't help with bills and he wastes his whole pay check every week.

I feel really terrible because he loves me so much and would do anything for me but I don't feel like I am in love anymore??

I read about the high number of break ups after the sleeve but I never thought it would happen to me.

Has anyone else gone through this/ going through this now?

[Sassygirl06 962]

Sounds like he enjoyed having someone being dependent on him emotionally, so that she wouldn't really care that he is taking advantage of you financially. What he is doing I wouldn't call love at all. If something doesn't feel right to you, then I would go with your gut instinct on this one. Especially if you don't believe that you even love him anymore. My husband used to sabotage my diets all of the time. He would order pizza, bring home fast food, ice cream, candy, every time I would try to start a new diet. I finally had a sit down with him and asked him if there was some reason why he would do these things when he knew I was trying to get healthier. He had to recognize it in himself that he was worried that if I lost weight that other men might start being interested in me, and then I would leave him. Once we had that talk he got on board, and changed his ways. He even started helping me with my exercise.

I would try having a talk with him over it, give him the benifit

[Sassygirl06 962]

(Dang it, I was trying to fit that word and it posted instead..lol)

Benefit of the doubt, let him try to see things your way, and see if he is willing to change. If he isn't then I would kick his butt to the curb girl! Good luck!

[MIJourney 490]

You say he loves you so much and would do anything for you but it doesn't seem like he's doing much by not contributing to your household expenses or your new way of life.

Plus if you don't feel you love him anymore it's probably time to cut your losses and move on.

Life is too short to be unhappy or be around those who are not a positive influence on your life.

[bethxxx 304]

Sounds like he enjoyed having someone being dependent on him emotionally' date=' so that she wouldn't really care that he is taking advantage of you financially. What he is doing I wouldn't call love at all. If something doesn't feel right to you, then I would go with your gut instinct on this one. Especially if you don't believe that you even love him anymore. My husband used to sabotage my diets all of the time. He would order pizza, bring home fast food, ice cream, candy, every time I would try to start a new diet. I finally had a sit down with him and asked him if there was some reason why he would do these things when he knew I was trying to get healthier. He had to recognize it in himself that he was worried that if I lost weight that other men might start being interested in me, and then I would leave him. Once we had that talk he got on board, and changed his ways. He even started helping me with my exercise.

I would try having a talk with him over it, give him the benifit[/quote']

Wow you really hit the nail on the head! I have never seen it that way but as soon as I read that first sentence I knew deep down that is probably the truth.

Thank you, really. You have opened my eyes a bit I really appreciate that

[bethxxx 304]

You say he loves you so much and would do anything for you but it doesn't seem like he's doing much by not contributing to your household expenses or your new way of life.

Plus if you don't feel you love him anymore it's probably time to cut your losses and move on.

Life is too short to be unhappy or be around those who are not a positive influence on your life.

I feel like I know deep down this is what I have to do but it is so hard!

Seeing it put into words does help though so thank you x

[Agamenon 18]

Bethxxx first of all you have to realize one thing:

This is something you did for you and no one else. The rest of your world will either accept your changes or get left behind. sorry to be so blunt but that's change.

Also I would invite you to read this:

http://jondav87.hubp...logical-Effects

One of the things that worries me most about my surgery is that I have noticed that some people turn into completely different people, which I don't want to do. I will change, but I don't want to become conceited or pretentious, or other traits that I have never enjoyed neither in myself or others. Be yourself! I shares this with you because more than any physical change, the psychological effects that these changes bring are quite real, and in my example I share all the info and discuss all the available info with my wife. She's the love of my life and is not someone I'm be willing to sacrifice in this process.

IMHO you answered yourself with this:

He also hasn't made much of an effort to try to change with me,

I know it may be hard but leave the financial crap out of the equation for the moment. Focus on the relationship. Ask yourself: Do you love him? if so, are you willing to take the time to begin discussing all this things with him? Be frontal, talk to him, ask him upfront if he's willing to change? yes/no? From where I'm standing your choices are simple.

One other thing: start listening to yourself more, it seems to me that you provided your ow answers, an just need some vindication. Remember love is a two way street, if it isnt, call it something else.

he loves me so much and would do anything for me but I don't feel like I am in love anymore??

Lost time is a lot worse than lost money! Time is finite! Make a choice and execute!

Again my apologies for the bluntness!

Take care!

Dario

[bethxxx 304]

Bethxxx first of all you have to realize one thing:

This is something you did for you and no one else. The rest of your world will either accept your changes or get left behind. sorry to be so blunt but that's change.

Also I would invite you to read this:

http://jondav87.hubp...logical-Effects

One of the things that worries me most about my surgery is that I have noticed that some people turn into completely different people' date=' which I don't want to do. I will change, but I don't want to become conceited or pretentious, or other traits that I have never enjoyed neither in myself or others. Be yourself! I shares this with you because more than any physical change, the psychological effects that these changes bring are quite real, and in my example I share all the info and discuss, all the available info with my wife. She's not someone I'm be willing to sacrifice in this process.

IMHO you answered yourself with this:

I know it may be hard but leave the financial crap out of the equation for the moment. Focus on the relationship. Ask yourself: Do you love him? if so, are you willing to take the time to begin discussing all this things with him? Be frontal, talk to him, ask him upfront if he's willing to change? yes/no? From where I'm standing your choices are simple.

One other thing: start listening to yourself more, it seems to me that you provided your ow answers, an just need some vindication. Remember love is a two way street, if it isnt, call it something else.

Lost time is a lot worse than lost money! Time is finite! Make a choice and execute!

Again my apologies for the bluntness!

Take care!

Dario[/quote']

I think I needed to hear the bluntness.

I think I have changed into someone completely different, but it's a better version of myself.

I actually read that same article earlier today and it helped me understand the reasons I am feeling this way.

Lost time is a lot worse than lost money! Time is finite! Make a choice and execute!

That is really resonating with me. Thank you so much, I think that is exactly right!

[gmanbat 5,889]

From this man's viewpoint, the guy is a leech and a lazy bum. Find someone who has a sense of honor.

[ItsMe2033 143]

....

He also hasn't made much of an effort to try to change with me, I want to go out and exercise, he wants to sit on the couch and eat pizza.

...

So did you discuss this with him before the surgery and did he agree that he would change as much as you have? If so then he is doing something wrong. If you did not discuss this with him then why do you expect him to change as much as you have or to even change any.

I think if you want to leave him you should leave him, but you should be honest with yourself. Maybe you "setteled" for him prior to the surgery because it was the best that you felt that you could do. Now that you've had the surgery and are feeling like you could do better, you aren't as interested in him anymore. That's fine. It's OK to move on if you want to, but you should accept full responsibility for it and not blame him for anything. He was probably just as unsupportive before, but you didn't notice it or didn't care. Plus more than likely he may be sensing that you have one foot out the door.

Of course he doesn't sound like he's any angel, and maybe you should never have been with him in the first place, but just don't blame him or hold him responsible, because it sounds to me like you are the one who has changed.

[Andrew0929 1,101]

I think it's time to move on .... Nothing worse than a mooch and it sounds like that's exactly what this guy is. This will only get worse as time goes on.

Andrew

[AmandaRaeLeo 2,146]

Don't blame him for not changing. You made the choice to change. He is not obligated to follow your lead.

Own it. Make a choice. Except responsibility for your choices. Move forward.

[bethxxx 304]

From this man's viewpoint' date=' the guy is a leech and a lazy bum. Find someone who has a sense of honor.[/quote']

Thanks for lightening the mood a little haha.

You might be right but he thinks he shouldn't have to contribute or something because he spends his money on me... I keep telling him I don't want him to waste his money on gifts for me I want him to help me pay bills!

[bethxxx 304]

Don't blame him for not changing. You made the choice to change. He is not obligated to follow your lead.

Own it. Make a choice. Except responsibility for your choices. Move forward.

If everybody in life only did what they were obligated to do, well it wouldn't be a very good place.

I understand what you are saying but just because he isn't 'obligated' does that mean he should stay the same forever?

[AmandaRaeLeo 2,146]

If everybody in life only did what they were obligated to do' date=' well it wouldn't be a very good place.

I understand what you are saying but just because he isn't 'obligated' does that mean he should stay the same forever?[/quote']

It's his choice. But that doesn't mean there is fault involved. His or yours. You're changing. He is not. He is happy with status quo. You're not.

It is up to you to make a choice for yourself because that is exactly what he is doing. Making a choice.

I'm mostly saying its not fair to blame or vilify someone for not being where you are simply because they aren't. Once upon a time nothing was broken, but now you're wanting to fix them?

If you're not happy and both sides aren't willing to work together to make things work... Make choice and own it.

I feel very strongly about this mainly because I'm in a similar situation as you. But it's not fair to blame my hubby because he's content and I'm not. It's up to me to express myself and try and work together. And if we won't...

You are figuring out who you are. And it sounds like you're liking the you that you've discovered. Your current situation no longer meets your needs, and that's okay. Take your life by the reigns and make it great!