Husbands!

[anonemouse 1]

If you've been in an actual abusive relationship, you'll understand the difference between abuse and rudeness.

I have been abused. Albeit, it wasn't by a boyfriend or a husband, it was by my brother when I was a child. Emotional abuse IS abuse. It may not leave physical scars (debatable), but it sure leaves emotional ones.

What your husband has been doing isn't rudeness. Rudeness isn't knowingly sabotaging diets. Rudeness isn't emotional blackmail. Rudeness isn't expecting total acquiescence to all his wishes.

In your original post and in your later one, you didn't make it sound like his behavior is a one-time thing. It sounded ongoing. If it is a sudden and occasional occurance, then I apologize. But to me, it sounded like the beginnings of emotional abuse

[rroswelltx 1]

I feel your pain! I too live with a wonderful and caring man, who is so rude sometimes I wan't to beat him!!! LOL! I don't leave him for it but it does make me think alot what it is teaching my 6yr old little girl. I am not shy and I don't sit lightly and take it, I go right back at him which causes alot of fights and I know that isn't good either. So I know what your feeling, it does make you bitter and angry because those wounds don't heal very easy.

Now for the touchy part, and I hope this don't happen to you but for me it has become my life of HELL. Since I have lost 90lbs as of today (Hooray) it has gotten worse. The more self confidence I get the worse his gets the more ruder he gets. Now I get comments about my clothes constantly. Believe me I don't wear provacative clothes, but if it is anything but a turtleneck or something right against my neck I get comments. Rude comments. Now with my hubby he is overweight and gaining alot, although I don't say anything to him about it to him. He says it about himself alot. I think that has alot to do with his self esteem and adds to his rudeness. But I just want you to go into this with eyes wide open. Don't fool yourself into garunteeing that when you lose weight it will get better, it may, but in my case it hasn't it has gotten alot worse. I also have a step child and have seen what a broken home has done to him, and I understand what your saying more than you know, but sometimes I wonder which is worse. You know little girls get there self worth from their father, so when someone is rude and makes you feel worthless and will probably have times he will do it to your DD when she is a little older, is that what I really want. I hope I didn't ramble to much and you can understand all this. Good Luck girl, but remember lose the weight for YOU it will make you feel better and it WILL make you stronger, I can promise that!!!!

[giveyouthemoon 4]

Besides, I saw what a broken home did to my stepkids. As much as divorce is okay nowadays, I don't want my daughter to go through what my stepkids went through.

I'm a child of parents who stayed married "for the kids".

They never hit each other. My dad was rude and verbally abusive. He said terrible things to my mother. He would tirade at her or yes, ignore her outright.

When I was twelve I pleaded with my mother to divorce him.

They didn't. They were married 45 years before he passed.

My brother, sister and I are decent people but to a person, we have psychological issues that run deep. Being the youngest I got it the worst.

I have OCD, bulimia, low self esteem, and can't make a relationship with a man work (until recently. I'm 37 and have about 15 years of therapy under my belt).

Being upset about people pointing this out to you is a pretty classic symptom. If everything at home was ok, you could just go "bah, that's ridiculous" and blow it off. That it bugs you is something to take a look at.

Look, no one here can tell you how to run your life. You can stay in it and raise your child as you please.

But you brought this topic here for a reason. And whether it feels like it or not...we care a whole lot about you.

Just my .02

[staceylca 0]

I am sorry to say this but do you think by any chance he is steping out? When my hubby was steping out and seeing someone elsa he was a differnt person. he was ugle, hatful, rude, I cant tell you all the stuff he was. hewould find stuff to bitch about. and if he could not find any thing he would make something up. like ask about how much money we had in the bank( that all was caused a fight). Anyway what I am trying to say is sometimes its not you it is them and no one should put up with that. life is way to short for ugleness. IT all comes out one way or the other. and it will work out. But I was not taken his crap that he was dealing.

GOOD LUCK

[sophrosyne 0]

I don't think he's stepping out. I think a lot of it right now is due to lack of sleep and tight finances. He watches the baby while I work, and I come home early to watch the baby while he works. But she's not sleeping through the night yet. She's up at 11, 2, 5. And sleeping in three hour stretches is wearing my nerves a bit thin. And since he's up late working, he's getting cranky about having to get up so early, so I can get to work.

And with the finances, even I'm wondering how I'm going to afford all those Protein drinks. One thing about "bad" food - it's cheap.

I used to be in a physically abusive marriage and my parents had a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage - this isn't like either of those.

[Poodles 0]

Oh... could it be baby stress too? I wanted to kill my hubby when my son was not sleeping thru the night. He thought it was a great idea for me to breast feed, so I had to be the one to get up. I would feed my son and think horrible thoughts about how to wake DH up so he could suffer too.

The first year is terribly stressful. IMO, the first birthday is huge because you are happy everyone made it out of the first year alive.

You may want to put the band on the back burner for a while if insurance will not cover it. Babies are expensive. And you can bet YOUR surgery will effect everyone emotionally, physically, as well as in the pocket book.

[sophrosyne 0]

My insurance will cover the entire surgery except for $250. And the doctor will take payments on that.

As to all the special Protein drinks and everything... how much, generally, does that cost people? I figure we'll be saving on me not eating much food, but that's going to ultimately be a little bit of a problem. He does most of the dinner cooking and gets terribly hurt if someone doesn't eat what he's cooked. But I figure that's only really going to last while I'm on liquids.

The baby's not a year yet and she's been teething like crazy lately. :phanvan But we love her to pieces anyway.

[Poodles 0]

I have found that my bill has gone up, because I eat differently now. I am off of Protein drinks and on to solids, but my Vitamins cost, and I can only eat the good cuts of meat. My frozen dinners are not cheap either. I get the South Beach ones, that way I stay low carb. I am sure you can do it any way you want to, but the first 6 months will not be dirt cheap... as you will be on the learning curve.

As for DH cooking... he might have to cook for one for a while.

[Poodles 0]

Oh, good point Jack. I did not think of the non grocery items that go down. I eat the kids meals or just Soup when we go out to eat (Bennigans has a wonderful kids salad) and I don't spend as much on drive-thru ice cream. I am however spending more on clothes. But that could be saved if I would go thrift, or exchange with other "losers".

Thanks for that point.

[Sonny's World 0]

All of these generalizations about men and women are hooey. They are generalizations and thats it. Everyone is different. My wife is not very supportive of WLS but is less non-supportive of the lap-band. Sometimes I get the feeling that my wife dislikes me also, though I have no doubt that she loves me. I agree that the better you feel about yourself the better your relationship. I should be getting the "official" sleep apnea diagnosis on Wednesday (I had the sleep study a couple of weeks ago) to confirm my wife's "unofficial" diagnosis. I'm looking forward to making an appointment for a consultation at the local Barix Clinic. Hopefully I can be invited back into the bedroom and off the couch permanantly rather than just 2 times a week for 12 1/2 minutes at a time. If you know what I'm talking about. Hardy har har. Best of luck.

Sonny

[Marimaru 7]

A few things come to my mind. Firstly, nothing will be resolved if you don't make him aware that his actions are hurting you. There probably is a portion of this that is baby stress, but there really is no excuse for being so rude to someone you say you love.

I will also say that "verbal and emotional abuse" comes in many forms. I can't say one way or the other, because I haven't seen you interact with your husband, but just because it isn't like the relationships your parents had, doesn't mean that it isn't verbally and emotionally abusive. My father is very emotionally abusive, but it's not mean things that he says outright. It's more about manipulation, which is more underhanded, but still abusive.

I will also say, to second Karen, that I am from a "broken" home so to speak, and I wish my parents had divorced sooner. My mom tried and tried to fix things, and then tried to do everything herself just so she could stay married to dad so that our home wouldn't be "broken". I was 11 when HE filed for divorce. My youngest sister doesn't remember much of it, my other younger sister didn't understand, but remembers lots of it, and I remember even more. I have a friend who's parents divorced when she was too young to remember, and it's just been the way things are, and her parents are civil to each other. She much more well rounded than I am, that's for sure. Anyway, my point is, if you DO start thinking that things can't be fixed, please don't 'deal with it' for the sake of the baby. I'd rather my parents didn't talk than to see them fight all the time, or to see one ignoring the other.

If you think that it's stress, and that it will pass, I still think you should address it. Even something like "Look, we are both tired, and stressed out, and I know money is tight, but I can't deal with the way you are dealing with this." Sometimes I think that acknowledging that you know there is a REASON behind it helps. Maybe try and think of other ways he can deal with stress and suggest them.

[ser123 0]

This thread seems more like a rant than someone who generally wants help or advice.

It reminds me of when I was a kid: "It's okay for me to talk bad about my sister, but don't anyone else do it."

[ser123 0]

You may be becoming or already are a victim of abuse if you:

Feel like you have to "walk on eggshells" to keep him from getting angry and are frightened by his temper. <<<<< you

Feel you can't live without him.

Stop seeing other friends or family, or give up activities you enjoy because he doesn't like them.

Are afraid to tell him your worries and feelings about the relationship.<<<<< you

Are often compliant because you are afraid to hurt his feelings; and have the urge to "rescue" him when he is troubled.

Feel that you are the only one who can help him and that you should try to "reform" him.

Find yourself apologizing to yourself or others for your partner's behaviour when you are treated badly.

Stop expressing opinions if he doesn't agree with them. <<<< you

Stay because you feel he will kill himself if you leave.

Believe that his jealousy is a sign of love.

Have been kicked, hit, shoved, or had things thrown at you by him when he was jealous or angry.

Believe the critical things he says to make you feel bad about yourself.

Believe that there is something wrong with you if you don't enjoy the sexual things he makes you do.

Believe in the traditional ideas of what a man and a woman should be and do -- that the man makes the decisions and the woman pleases him. <<< him

(some people) Have been abused as a child or seen your mother abused <<< you

I got this from an abuse website. Even if you are not being abused, your posts directly show the signs of abuse. People familiar with abuse pick up on those things, and point them out. I am not saying you are being abused but I am saying you fit several of the criteria, 5 out of 15 from my count in your posts.

Just sayin'...

[~Jules~ 0]

I think you should still do the surgery. As far as the Protein Drinks go, I buy the Slim Fast Low Carb. They aren't expensive. They are around a buck a piece. When you start losing weight, you will feel better and it possibly may positively affect your relationship. I know my weighloss has made my personal relationship better because my self-esteem is A LOT better.

I wish you the best.

[Kat817 19]

I was in a seriously abusive marriage---to levels most of you would find hard to believe! And yes, prior to the physical abuse, was mental abuse. The article printed itemizing abuse is right on the money. And he may very well be mentally abusive right now. The question in my mind is---does HE know he is being abusive? I agree that the first year with an infant and 2 jobs---is very, very hard. If he is working one shift, and you another, and there is a baby around, it doesn't sound like you two have much alone time together. A sleep deprived, sex deprived person can be mean...man or woman! The difference is, your body went through the birth, and the nursing, and you had all the hormonal changes---he didn't. He likely wants back what he had, and is suffering some serious guilt over thinking that---I mean I am sure he loves his daughter to no end, but remembering life before....makes one wistful. And if life has not changed enough, here you go wanting more change!!! How dare you!!! Just kidding, but maybe he isn't. Maybe he IS worried, my DH was...he told me after the surgery, he was scared to death I would die in surgery. Well, in your case, if your DH thinks that....he then has a tiny little girl, to raise without her Mommy.

I am not trying to exonerate him from being mean---he is definitely being an ass....but, I have to wonder, before the weight gain, before the baby, when things got tough, how did you handle them? Have you changed as well? We all change, every day we change...and hopefully we can both go with the ebb and flow of things, and grow and change together...but when you are already obviously out of sync....it is time that one of you is going to have to skip a few steps to fall into step with the other one. It sounds like he may not even have an idea of what is wrong---anger is often the easier emotion for people to express. We saw that with my step kids, when it was time to go home, they would pick a fight with one of us---it was easier to be mad, than to be sad about leaving they finally said!!! If kids do it---so can he.

At least try to get through the first year or so, and see if you can settle into a routine that is not leaving you both exhausted. If you truly feel now is the time for surgery, then talk to him, and do whatever you can to try to keep it civil. If you think waiting is better, no one is going to fault you for putting in off for a few months!

There is no cut and dried answer to your problem. You are the best judge of how you feel---whether you are in a bad situation or not. I would try to view him as scared, as opposed to just mean, and see if you can work with him any easier that way.

Good Luck!

Kat