Husbands!

[sophrosyne 0]

Ugh. I'm pre-band, and when I told my husband I was thinking about the band, he told me I was taking the easy way out. So today, I told him I was dieting, and he went out and bought me a mint chocolate chip milkshake.

I'm not sure what's going to happen to our relationship post-band. I'm hoping he stops being so rude. If I ask him a question, I get snarky comebacks as a response. That don't actually answer the question or do anything but point out how clever he is.

Why do guys do that? Make bad puns, substitute snarky one-liners for actual answers? And more importantly, what can I do to discourage that? I'm really tired of how rude things have gotten around the house. And let's not even get into the faces and attitudes. And I find myself snapping back at him and getting rude back, just because I'm so frustrated.

I'm hoping that when I lose the weight, he'll get worried enough about losing me, that he'll stop being so freaking rude. Because if this continues, I don't know what I'm going to do. I won't leave him, because I wouldn't do that to our baby. She adores her daddy.

I just want him to go back to being the sweet guy I used to know.

[Mom2Sassy 0]

My husband and I read a wonderful book, I don't have it handy but I think it was called "love and respect". It is christian based, and I am not a reader, but my husband is, he read it first and I noticed a change in him, he was being more loving and supportive, so I decided I wanted to read the book and it talked about how women need to feel love and men need to feel respected. It was hard for me to swallow at first, but the more I read the more sense it made. I started doing little things like dishing up his dinner plate (something I know he views as a sign of respect) and he would rub my back (I love physical affection).

Now, when we have a disagreement, I think we both are more aware of what we say and how we act towards each other. Usually when we get mad, it is either because he is being unloving or I am being disrespectful.

I know it isn't for everyone, but I really enjoyed the book and it made our marriage even stronger. Maybe it could help you too.

[sophrosyne 0]

Unfortunately, for him, me showing respect would be to do what I was told, speak when I was spoken to, be seen and not heard, etc.

I didn't listen to my dad when I was a kid. So I don't know why my husband thinks he should have special treatment in that department.

So I've just withdrawn as much as I can. And I try to keep any conversation on mundane easy things.

[chubbola 0]

i can't help but think ''''god i love chocolate chip mint milkshakes'''''''...as far as the guy thing goes-i swear they have PMS as much if not more than women do!

i know in my situation, when i feel better about myself, my husband and i get along better----maybe there's light at the end of the tunnel???

good luck to you and keep in touch!

[Poodles 0]

I think he is scared. I worked at a bariatric clinic one summer, answering calls, and filing and sending bills. One day a man called and said that his wife no longer lived at the address. Saying, "that surgery was the worst thing that ever happened to our marraige. She got skinny and left me." Now, I know that there must have been something else going on there, but I truly believe men are afraid of that happening to them. You may want to test the waters or just come out and ask him what he is thinking.

He may like you fat to keep you, he may find fat sexy, he may think you have no options... but honey, No woman needs a man. Baby or no...

Tell him you want to get healthy for him, to stay with him forever, to be there to see your baby(ies) grow up. See what he says to that. If he comes back with a smart ass remark tell him that skinny or fat you can recognize he has some issues that need to be addressed, and that you may need to work on your marraige.

If that does not work, roll him up in the bed sheets and beat him with the broom handle. That will set him straight!!! (That's what Texas women do.)

Good luck! Be true to you!

[giveyouthemoon 4]

Your baby may adore her daddy but does she adore watching mommy getting emotionally abused by daddy? And we are telling your precious angel that it is ok for men to treat her that way. Children model their same sex parent, so think of the lessons that are being taught here.

Oh honey, you've got a whole lot of stuff on your plate...sounds like it's taken years to develop and won't be easy to overcome but it CAN be overcome. But it takes work on both sides.

You two have gotta talk about this. Openly. Honestly. Ignoring it won't make it go away...honest, I have my own story to tell...it doesn't go away.

[CCBSTX 0]

During a moment, when there isn't tension or an argument between you two...open up a caring conversation. No accusations, just say it out of "love." Tell him, what you told us. "How you wish he was the same sweet husband that you married." Tell him how important this is to you and the family, to be around healthy for the future. Tell him how things make you feel...start with "I" statements. Example: "I feel discouraged when you tell me things like..."

This is a start in bridging communication. Life is difficult enough, without having to come home to another battle.

Good luck. Shawn

[Mommy0105 0]

chubbola - I agree with your satement "when i feel better about myself, my husband and i get along better" .

My husband and I do not really fight all that much, but I can totally relate to your statement. I think the way people treat us has a lot to do with how we project ourselves to them. When I am doing well on a diet, I feel better about myself, and that projects to everyone around me. I am more likely to initiate conversations with people and feel that I emit a certain bubblieness that is lacking when I feel like crap about myself (for whatever reason). People seem to respond accordingly.

sophrosyne - Without using the word sabbotage, ask your husband about his actions (milkshake during a diet attempt) during a time of calm. To bring it up at the moment it happens will surely lead to an arguement.

To put in more of my two cents, men like to feel useful. When we bitch about something just to bitch, they usually assume we want them to fix the problem, when our only intention may be to just get it off our chest and move on. If your husband is like mine, he may feel frustrated when you make negative remarks about your weight one minute and dig in to the cake and Cookies the next. Based on your past dieting declarations, attempts, and failures, he may subconsciously be questionning your commitment to diet, therefore making bonehead moves like bringing you a milkshake. To make him feel needed and apprecitated, try letting him know that you need to lose weight for your personal well being. Let him know that you want to be a better mother and wife. Tell him that you want to bring more to the relationship than you are able to right now and you know your weight (how it makes you feel both physically and emotionally) has a lot to do with it. Then let him know that you need his help and support with it (whether it be surgical or non-surgical). If you play up the angle of being a better wife and mother, it may put to rest any insecurities that a thin you will no longer want him- whether it is conscious or subconscious on his part.

[sophrosyne 0]

I think I have to get past my anger before I can have any of those types of conversations with him. I thought things were getting better last night, but this morning, I tried talking to him three times and got the silent treatment. Which apparently was set off by me asking him to change the baby's poopy diaper, because I was running late for work. It's the only thing I can think of. Before that, he was fine. After I asked him to do that, he stopped talking to me.

He's great with the baby and the baby adores him. It's just me who feels like I'm walking on eggshells. Other than making faces and snotty comments, he's a good man. He's not abusive. He's fairly tolerant. He just doesn't seem to like me all that much. And I just get fed up about that.

[anonemouse 1]

He's not abusive.

But he is. All abuse is not physical. Right now, he has you wondering what you did to make him ignore you and he has you feeling responsible for his mood swings.

To be honest, it is beyond me why you want to stay with a man who you admit openly dislikes you, and why you want to expose your child to that. Your daughter will be growing up with the idea that your situation is what marriage is supposed to be like.

[sophrosyne 0]

He doesn't openly dislike me all the time. It's a lot of smooth sailing punctuated by moments of open dislike. It's those moments that drive me crazy. But moments aren't worth tossing a marriage out the window.

Besides, I saw what a broken home did to my stepkids. As much as divorce is okay nowadays, I don't want my daughter to go through what my stepkids went through.

[anonemouse 1]

He doesn't openly dislike me all the time.

You honestly don't see anything wrong with that statement?

A broken home is better than an abusive one that teaches your daughter that it is okay to expect her future husband to treat her like crap.

[sophrosyne 0]

You honestly don't see anything wrong with that statement?

A broken home is better than an abusive one that teaches your daughter that it is okay to expect her future husband to treat her like crap.

That's easy to say when you're not the one in the thick of it.

You don't see where breaking your home over moments of dislike or attitude is a bit of an over-reaction? I think the problem with people today is that they're all so eager to break their homes, they don't actually give fixing their relationship a try. The first reaction is always, leave him, he's abusive.

If you've been in an actual abusive relationship, you'll understand the difference between abuse and rudeness. And until you know my husband and daughter, you don't have the right to decide what you think my home will teach her.

Sorry if I sound snarky, but I'm a little upset this morning.

[sweethot143 2]

I think most problems in a marriage are fixable, if both of you are willing to work on it.

I know that when you are resentful of your other half and have hurt feelings, it can be hard to want to work on those issues.

I know i myself, have a hard time admitting that i am in the wrong with our relationship. I don't like to hear what I do wrong, it's hard. So in oder to fix what is broken I need to acknowledge what it is that needs fixing.

Easier said than done, but soph, i know what you mean by saying why should we give up on a marriage becuase of one rough spot? He is human, we make mistakes, I think it is important to find out the root of this attitude. I think before we give up on a marriage we need to earn our way out of it. I think dr. phil siad that once.

Sometimes it's easier to say, I'm done! I'm leaving! But when children are involved it's not all about us anymore. It's about them too.

I hope that your issues are fixable and that both of you want to fix them. I completely understand where you are coming from.

How do we put our foot down and demand respect and love? How many apologies will be accept before it's enough? What's the line?

Recently a friend of mine's husband threw a hairbrush at her it hit her in the head, and then pushed her into the closet door. she defends it by saying she got up in his face and dared him to do it. do you guys think that is acceptable? I don't know what to tell her.

[Candle 11]

Maybe once you are banded and start to lose some weight, feel better about yourself and gain self-confidence ... you'll be able to look at the relationship more objectively?

Based on what you have posted here (and there are 2 sides to every story) you ARE in an abusive relationship.

I can not even imagine someone who is suppose to be my other half, my partner, my support, the closest person in the world to me ... treating me so poorly

I hope for the best for you and am sorry you are in such a bad place right now.