dating Do you feel you settled for your partner because you were fat?

[Disabledaccount 154]

So I had an interesting conversation with a young gal at a local VSG support group. She's 4 months sleeved has lost 50 pounds and is on top of the world. She loves the male attention she's getting and feels ilke the guys that are now interested in her would have been 'out of her league' in the past. Before she barely dated and felt like she was grateful for any attention she got so kinda settled and dated whoever.

As someone who hasn't dated much and has been overweight all my life, i'm curious about dating after surgery. For single folks, how did your dating life change? For married folks, any changes/tensions.

[gamergirl 4,610]

This will sound weird but I fell in love with my husband before I met him in person. Tons of phone calls, lots of emails, and we were both goners. I was terrified that the in-person chemistry wouldn't work out but of course it did.

I never felt like I was settling for less. I felt lucky to have found such an amazing man and to have my love and admiration reciprocated. I dated a lot before I got married and never thought that I was "less than" because of my weight.

I've loved him at much higher weights and now, he's thinner than I've ever seen him before and I still just adore him. His weight is a non-issue for me. He has seen me 25 lbs lighter, and 25 lbs heavier than I am now, and has never made me feel less loved.

I think WLS is like every other challenge a couple faces together. Challenges seem to strengthen good relationship and bring people closer, and weaken shaky ones and tear them apart. I've been in both types of relationships and know how that goes.

If it wasn't WLS for some of those couples, it might have been something else that either brought them closer or broke them up.

[ElyQuint 446]

Brilliant gamergirl!

I think I sabotaged a lot of prior relationships as a result of my weight related perceptions of myself.

I settled on the man who refused to allow me to use my weight as an excuse to push him away.

[SassyTink 78]

When I met my husband I was wearing a size 8 and had blonde hair. Over the last 25 years I have gained 100 pounds. My husband has never mentioned my weight or my hair. I am sure he has noticed my added fluffiness but never ever would hurt my feelings.

This weight loss surgery is all about me and how I feel about myself. My husband has supported me every step of the way. He even said that if the insurance does not cover this, our savings will. I feel blessed that my husband has been there for me through thin and thick!!!

Hopefully, I will get me back again and be able to live a longer healthier life with this great partner.

[TJL 222]

Gamergirl you are my hero, I love your posts. I met my hubby when I was relatively thinner and much more athletic, but he has never ever made me feel bad about my weight. I asked him point blank once if it bothered him that I had gained so much weight and he said that when he looks at me he sees the girl that he loves and married not any adjustment in size.(He made me cry!!) So nope I didn't settle, I got the guy I wanted!

[Jiggly Puff 53]

Brilliant gamergirl!

I think I sabotaged a lot of prior relationships as a result of my weight related perceptions of myself.

I settled on the man who refused to allow me to use my weight as an excuse to push him away.

Wow! You hit the nail on the head girl. I also think I sabotaged my love life. Hence, why I'm single. I hope that hamster wheel has stopped now. Maybe I will get another chance to fall in love someday. I'd really like to see a better me on the other side of this weight issue. I won't have that fear of my weight problem bearing down on me like this ever again. Here's to being hopeful! :wub:

[Pixie Dust 526]

I too was much slimmer when I met & married my husband & I did gain almost 100 lbs over the 19 years we've been married. I flipped for him the moment I laid eyes on him. We had our first date 5 days after we met & he proposed 2 weeks later! He still looks at me as if I haven't changed. I decided to do this for my children, especially my autistic son, so that I'd be around to see him grow up (if that's God's plan). I did this for me next so that I'd just feel better & hopefully have less pain from my arthritis, dragging all this weight around. I also did this for my husband so that he's not stuck with the big old fat wife anymore. He's so good to me, he deserves better so I'm going to give him "better!"

[ecip78824 20]

I definitely think that there is some truth in this (at least for me). I broke up with my boyfriend a few months ago and I only realized after it was over just how wrong for me he was. I'm so much happier now, and this realization made me think back to my past relationships and where they went wrong. I realized that every man I've been romantically involved with had one or more major flaws (bad job, history of cheating, drinks too much, etc.). Even worse, I KNEW this going into every relationship. It dawned on me that I have always looked for something to be "wrong" with a man because I don't think anyone would want to date me the way I am. Since I've realized this, I've decided not to do any dating until I'm at goal and comfortable with myself. I'm hoping that I'll regain confidence through this experience, and I'm determined not to date anyone with glaring flaws every again!

[gamergirl 4,610]

I definitely think that there is some truth in this (at least for me). I broke up with my boyfriend a few months ago and I only realized after it was over just how wrong for me he was. I'm so much happier now' date=' and this realization made me think back to my past relationships and where they went wrong. I realized that every man I've been romantically involved with had one or more major flaws (bad job, history of cheating, drinks too much, etc.). Even worse, I KNEW this going into every relationship. It dawned on me that I have always looked for something to be "wrong" with a man because I don't think anyone would want to date me the way I am. Since I've realized this, I've decided not to do any dating until I'm at goal and comfortable with myself. I'm hoping that I'll regain confidence through this experience, and I'm determined not to date anyone with glaring flaws every again![/quote']

Good for you! Your insight and your decision to hold off are very smart choices IMO.

[Disabledaccount 154]

I definitely think that there is some truth in this (at least for me). I broke up with my boyfriend a few months ago and I only realized after it was over just how wrong for me he was. I'm so much happier now, and this realization made me think back to my past relationships and where they went wrong. I realized that every man I've been romantically involved with had one or more major flaws (bad job, history of cheating, drinks too much, etc.). Even worse, I KNEW this going into every relationship. It dawned on me that I have always looked for something to be "wrong" with a man because I don't think anyone would want to date me the way I am. Since I've realized this, I've decided not to do any dating until I'm at goal and comfortable with myself. I'm hoping that I'll regain confidence through this experience, and I'm determined not to date anyone with glaring flaws every again!

Exactly! I def dated a guy who wasn't right for me but put up with the relationship for a while for some companionship. I was envious of the girl because she's 23 and i'm 31. I feel like i missed out of the fun of dating in your 20s, young love etc.

I think it's different when you're overweight your whole life and didnt meet your partner in your thinner days. If I had the surgery and taken care of the weight issue long ago, I can't help but wonder how my dating life would have panned out and if I'd have settled down by now

[cathycnyrs 85]

I started dating my husband 3 years ago after loosing a good bit of weight... I was around 200 at the time. We went to Highshool together so he remembers me 120 or so. He knew I had just lost weight and even said he'd love me if I gained it all back and more. He blames himself that I did though, cause he loves to cook and loves to eat out. He is thin as a rail. In highschool he was the boy that was a friend... I wouldn't have thought of dating him - but marrying him at 45 was the best decision of my life.

My ex-husband (divorced 11 years) sabotaged every diet I ever did, he was also heavy... he would start a diet with me and then throw it in my face later... you don't care about your family - you go to the gym too much. You are obsessive about your diet, on and on. The last time I saw 160 lbs, this jerk had an affair with a 400+ lb woman (nothing wrong with 400+ lb women, unless they are screwing your husband). I stayed two more years (STUPID decision on my part), but he kept cheating. I think he had a fat fetish, although he got really mad when I said that... the one he left me for was also large, and the other two wives after that - oh, and he has probably gained 100+ lbs since the split. I was probably 160 when I married him, but every time I lost he nutted up... brought bad food in, insisted we go out to eat, on and on.

My husband now loves me. I think we connect on a deep level because we were kids together, hung around the same group of people and like the same things. I think he sees me as he saw me 30 years ago. We crossed paths 3 1/2 years ago... and I sold him a used car that he came over weekly to make payments, started going to dinner, watching movies... etc. For months I knew this was a fantastic guy and went back through my dating history asking myself why I kept dating Mr. Wrong over and over. I didn't really "see it" at first and thought "friends". Til one night he was here watching a movie and some woman kept texting him, and I was jealous. The next night he called and said that girl was bugging the hell out of him, and he did not want to date her he wanted to date me. I knew then I'd marry him... and I did a year later.

If the marriage is good, both people are truly committed and the love is there the marriage will work out. If the marriage is shaky, one or both people are not totally committed to it and there wasn't really love there - who knows. I know a lot of people that stay in marriages that make them miserable, and I've known people to leave marriages that could have worked when the going gets tough.

[neneh_vsg 44]

I definitely think that there is some truth in this (at least for me). I broke up with my boyfriend a few months ago and I only realized after it was over just how wrong for me he was. I'm so much happier now' date=' and this realization made me think back to my past relationships and where they went wrong. I realized that every man I've been romantically involved with had one or more major flaws (bad job, history of cheating, drinks too much, etc.). Even worse, I KNEW this going into every relationship. It dawned on me that I have always looked for something to be "wrong" with a man because I don't think anyone would want to date me the way I am. Since I've realized this, I've decided not to do any dating until I'm at goal and comfortable with myself. I'm hoping that I'll regain confidence through this experience, and I'm determined not to date anyone with glaring flaws every again![/quote']

Hello? This is me, especially the bit about having at least one major flaw or incompatibility that I knew about before we got seriously involved. Getting my mind right through therapy along with this journey has helped to strengthen my expectations of myself and potential partners.

[SleevedJune62013 167]

I was 140 when I married my husband 17 years ago & was sleeved at 230. I'm down to 187 now. My husband told me I was always beautiful, I'm just showing off now. This experience has made me fall even deeper in love with him. I've never had a surgery prior to this one & all the ways he helped in my recovery was eye opening. This man cherishes me.......

[Dreamingofhealth 223]

Hey!

I am Pre-sleeve. I have been with my hubby for 12 years (high school sweetheart) and I was really chubby then. I am now 70-80 pounds heavier and have had two children and he loves me just as much or more.

A few years ago I was thinking 'what if I was a healthy weight..Would we have gotten together? Is there anyone else out there that would want me? Did I settle for the first guy who liked me?'

But honestly he has NEVER made any reference to my weight gain. Makes me feel special at any size. He really thinks I'm the sexiest thing ever. He is just a genuinely carling and loving man.

And I think our relationship is just going to get better post-sleeve. I'm sure it will be tough the first few months because I'm going to be a hungry, crazy, emotional disaster until I find that balance and routine. But I will be more comfortable with MYSELF which in turn will allow me to be more comfortable with him.

I'm not doing this for him, I'm doing it for me. So I can have a better quality of life and be a better remodel for my young children. We are all going to benefit from it and Mike and I will be able to grow old together! <3

Sheena :-)

[Mrs.FullerRN 189]

I do feel like I settled, yes. I am an educated, smart, classy woman with big goals. My husband is not a very motivated man. I love him and he's good to me and our kids. I do think that if I had had more self esteem I would have married someone who wasn't so stagnant.

At least he's good looking