A change is coming.....

[Rawnuncut 8]

I've been married since July 1 2013 but we have been together for 12 years. The most we have in common is we both like to eat and eat good. I have already battled issues with my husband of wanting to go out and do things as a family. He's reluctant and lazy. Its sad to say even thou i'm starting my 6 month journey until the surgery but i can not see myself staying once its done. I'm dong this surgery to live life and enjoy it. Is it wrong for me to plan not only dropping my personal weight but his as well? I know to death do us part but i'm tired of complaining. I want to feel good and be with someone who makes me feel good too. I feel like our issues are in stone and I can not recover. Has anyone experienced feelings of departure with their spouse post op?

[Sofficial 162]

Should you feel bad about wanting him to be healthy and live a long, and much more happier life, no you should not. But wanting to leave him already and you, yourself haven't even fully committed to the lifestyle yet uuummm maybe you should feel a little bad. I mean I'm not in your relationship so I don't know what type of relationship you guys have. But he is your HUSBAND and you should honor your vows, if he's not mentally, physically, or verbally abusing you or children(if any) or cheating on you, I believe this is something that can be dealt with. Even if he don't get on board at first, there's a good chance that once he see you committing and being successful on your journey he might hop on board and join you, and if not you guys need to try hard to figure out another way to make each other happy without food. Just set an example and be that inspiration that he probably needs. Take this six months and try to work on building a better relationship with your husband w/o food. And after the surgery like I said be his inspiration he needs you.

[shoopaie 26]

Wow. You may already have ur mind made up it sounds like. You said he was lazy but none of us go into this surgery because we are super active. Be careful calling his faults out especially if you have them too. You have made a decision but he hasnt ...yet. This kinda makes me think there are deeper issues than just being lazy while you get fit. Talk with him bout it and try to read between the lines. It isnt wasy for us men to open up and say we are big fat and nasty and that we feel like we are too far behind to do anything about it. you need to find out what happens well after your surgery and give the man time to respond before you think bout leaving and stuff.

[Rawnuncut 8]

Thank you Jashantee and Shoopaie for replying. Let me clarify myself a bit. My husband does not have a weight problem. I'm sooo disgusted with him my post was not in pure clarity. We both work and I'm also a full time student. We have a set of 11 year old girl twins. I'm affectionate love attention and i give the same. When he does get affetionate and show me attention i feel like its because i've been complaining for so long its like a shut me up gesture. Any concerts or trips i have to plan them. If i dont the days and weeks will go by and before you know it 12 years have been put in. I'm outgoing he is not. I'm social he is not. Why I married him is because i truly love him and hes the smartest man (besides my daddy) I know. In my head i know how i want to feel by a man. When i watch tv or movies i'm always left with the thought damn i wish my man would do that for me. Shoopai were right when you said the issues go deeper. But what i'm struggling to rationalize with myself will i act like a fool once i get that attention else where? I don't know. I just wanted to throw this thought out there today. Hopefully with time, prayer, and counceling things will get better with us.

[2Big2Skate 328]

Edited after reading your update.

I think some good old fashioned couples therapy would help a bunch. I recommend a real low thing called "weekend to remember". It's kinda like a marriage vow refresher course and its a bunch of people so it doesnt feel like youre in therapy. We've done it twice. I like it cuz the speakers are funny.

Also please be careful comparing him to other people. Would you want him comparing you to wives on TV? Is that fair?

I wish you all the best.

[Rawnuncut 8]

2 big good point which is why we have lasted this long. 12 years is a long time saying the same thing. The good does out weight the bad. This was my rant for today. Thanks

[carolina c 20]

Should you feel bad about wanting him to be healthy and live a long' date=' and much more happier life, no you should not. But wanting to leave him already and you, yourself haven't even fully committed to the lifestyle yet uuummm maybe you should feel a little bad. I mean I'm not in your relationship so I don't know what type of relationship you guys have. But he is your HUSBAND and you should honor your vows, if he's not mentally, physically, or verbally abusing you or children(if any) or cheating on you, I believe this is something that can be dealt with. Even if he don't get on board at first, there's a good chance that once he see you committing and being successful on your journey he might hop on board and join you, and if not you guys need to try hard to figure out another way to make each other happy without food. Just set an example and be that inspiration that he probably needs. Take this six months and try to work on building a better relationship with your husband w/o food. And after the surgery like I said be his inspiration he needs you.[/quote']

You couldn't have said it any better than that!!!!

[carolina c 20]

Should you feel bad about wanting him to be healthy and live a long' date=' and much more happier life, no you should not. But wanting to leave him already and you, yourself haven't even fully committed to the lifestyle yet uuummm maybe you should feel a little bad. I mean I'm not in your relationship so I don't know what type of relationship you guys have. But he is your HUSBAND and you should honor your vows, if he's not mentally, physically, or verbally abusing you or children(if any) or cheating on you, I believe this is something that can be dealt with. Even if he don't get on board at first, there's a good chance that once he see you committing and being successful on your journey he might hop on board and join you, and if not you guys need to try hard to figure out another way to make each other happy without food. Just set an example and be that inspiration that he probably needs. Take this six months and try to work on building a better relationship with your husband w/o food. And after the surgery like I said be his inspiration he needs you.[/quote']

You couldn't have said it any better than that!!!!

[Sweeteyes27 31]

I had a problem with my ex husband and my weight he was 5'4 in the military fit n Im 5'6 was 225 n going up... I lost weight while he was in afganistan fromthe summer of 09 till april 2010 and we split I had went down to 190. When he came home he was attracted 2 me again but I had already found out he cheated many times in our own home b4 he left.. you tend 2 find things when there not around 2 hide things but any who after I left I gained so much more weight same as u I just started my 6 month... My ex husband found out n was trying 2 get me back but I'm in a better relationship now with some1 else... Mainly what I'm tryn 2 say maybe he not that attracted but don't say anything. Srry just being honest some times that is the case.. After you lose weight things will most likely change, not the same for every one... But once he sees you lookin better, you will notice a change. Talk 2 him tell him how u trully feel and work things out... If you trully love him n he trully loves you your relationship will blossom

[missybean 40]

Omg! I cannot tell you how much I can relate to your story! I too am havin the surgery to live and enjoy life with my children. My husband also is no family man he is very selfish and lazy. If it doesn't benefit him in any way he's not doing it. I have slowly stopped complaining although not completely, but I'm tired of repeating myself and him making no effort to change. I plan as you do honey, I don't think it is wrong i think it's your best option. What is marriage? Just a sheet of paper... Love should be loyal and given the same amount from each partner. I pray that once all is said and done and I finally feel wonderful about myself that god can Grant me the strength to walk away, the serenity to be at peace once I do, and the wisdom to never go back.

[Sofficial 162]

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and while I respect everyones opinion, however I have to disagree with Missybean. I don't want to get into a debate on this Forum, but I must say if you truley believe that marrige is just a piece of paper it's no wonder that your marriage isn't working out (no disrespectful intent) but I believe that the problem with this society and why homes are broken and the divorce rate is so high, its because people have a mind set like you,

Marriage is just a peice of paper.

No, marriage is not a walk in the park, its give and take, its hard work and you have have to put a ton of effort into it. There is no equal amount to be put in, sometimes you may put in 70% and he 30% and vice versa. You have to realize that although you both came together as one, you both are seperate individuals. You're not gonna always agree on the same things, and you'll want seperate things, you'll have different interest. You can't just run at the first, second, third, fourth... sign of a problem. And the real problem is that people don't take their vows seriously. Now I don't know whats going on in your relationship but if your leaving just because he's not a family man and is lazy, and selfish, then good luck being sucessful in your next relationship with the midset that you have. How can you expect him to take you marriage serious if you don't even take it serious, after all

marriage is just a peice of paper.

Dont get me wrong I'm not saying that no one should ever get divorced. What I'm saying is that people should take their vows more seriously, and respect the sanctity of their marriage.

[missybean 40]

You have a very strong opinion and yes what you're saying is true and does apply to some, but each marriage is different and I stand by what I say, marriage is just a piece of paper statin that two individuals are married. I've been with my husband for 15 years we had a better relationship before tying the knot. What I was saying as in marriage being a piece of paper is that it shouldn't take a "husband" or a "wife" to make you feel complete, to love you and honor you. You do that as individuals not as a married couple.

[Recycled 2,182]

OK, here's the deal. You need to listen to exactly what I tell you about what to do. I have known you (hmmmm) for all of two minutes and that far exceeds any 12 year relationship..........ehhhhh! Not!! (do they still use that term)

Really? Online personal relationship advice? That's almost as bad as comparing real life to TV.......oops,

BTW........I have this gorgeous piece of slightly swampy marsh land down here near Miami, I'm looking to sell............

[LI Gemini NY 607]

OK' date=' here's the deal. You need to listen to exactly what I tell you about what to do. I have known you (hmmmm) for all of two minutes and that far exceeds any 12 year relationship..........ehhhhh! Not!! (do they still use that term)

Really? Online personal relationship advice? That's almost as bad as comparing real life to TV.......oops,

BTW........I have this gorgeous piece of slightly swampy marsh land down here near Miami, I'm looking to sell............ [/quote']

Lmao

[chibabyy 77]

Marriage is give and take and it's never going to be 50/50. One person will always give more and it's not a crime if you truly love and in love with your mate. I love going to the movies and eating out at least once a month but when I got married, I found out that my husband hates going to theatre to watch a movie cos he says that he falls asleep. Also, he doesn't believe in spending money by going to eat out all the time when you don't even know if the hands making the food has been washed. Do you think that I will leave my husband for these issues? Heck No! I love him and the positives in him outweighs his negatives. Marriage is not easy and takes a lot of hardwork and sometimes you want to give up but think back to what brought you two together in the first place. Marriage might be a piece of paper to someone that has no love for their mate but will mean more for someone else in love. Please hang in there and think about the good things in him before you make any drastic decision. Good luck.