Stop commenting negatively about what I eat

[Indigo1991 1,612]

This isn't a rant just an exasperated and frustrated letting off steam kind of thing, lol! My friend lives abroad, only seen her twice since I had surgery. Second time I was 35lbs down and her emails in the run up to seeing her all talked about me being a skinny minnie, not being called JLo any more as my butt had gone etc. I was calm and asked her not to say those things and that my surgery was important to me, it wasn't funny. She took it ok but had another dig about whether we should go out to eat because it was so difficult for me!!! But when she visited, my weight only came up when I raised it - she said nothing.

But that was ok. Her dad died of diabetes and I felt she saw me finding a way of dealing with my diabetes when he didn't have that chance... Smacked of her believing I was taking the easy way out but I let it go.

She's due back on Tuesday and after weeks of nothing other then nice emails, the last one was about where we would go to eat. I made a suggestion to which she replied "Godd choice, they serve mini

meals (ie tapas) for mini people". I am sure she doesn't realise what she's doing but I don't want another evening feeling she is watching every bite but saying nothing about how well I have done.

I don't want to fall out with her, we have been friends a long time, but she is the only person who makes anything of my surgery and actually makes me feel uncomfortable about it. Everyone else accepts that when we go out, I eat less. All suggestions gratefully received.... Or am I being too sensitive?

[Beach Lover 1,084]

Is it possible that she was actually trying to be supportive with the mini meal comment? You know her but I se a possibly different interpretation with it. If it is meant in ill will then you need to have a talk with her and tell her she is the only one that does this and why? It might put a stop to it. I hope you can get past this but some people react in ways that puzzle a person. My favorite is the person who is just so happy for you and then when you start losing weight they go weird on you! Good luck and hopefully you will have a great time!

[belladona 153]

Let her rant, at your weight you know you look fabulous! Even if shes a skinny mini shes probably jealous. If shes a good friend she will eventually stop shes just having a weak moment. if not sit her down and be totally honest with her and tell her how she makes you feel.She may not even be aware . no your not being over sensitive, your right but hang in there , maybe it will work itself out. You goit this.

[Indigo1991 1,612]

Thanks girls. Belladonna, you are right, think I need to tell her how I feel or it will affect our friendship. I think she's always seen me as the older, fat friend - and I am not that any more (ok, still old but hotter than before, ha ha!) As you say, Beach Lover, there are people who wish us well but can't handle it when we lose weight - that might be another reason for her behaviour.

I suppose my sleeve is just my sleeve, it's now part of me along with the new way of eating. She just needs to adjust to my new normal and make it hers in relation to me :-)))))

[Beach Lover 1,084]

Thanks girls. Belladonna, you are right, think I need to tell her how I feel or it will affect our friendship. I think she's always seen me as the older, fat friend - and I am not that any more (ok, still old but hotter than before, ha ha!) As you say, Beach Lover, there are people who wish us well but can't handle it when we lose weight - that might be another reason for her behaviour.

I suppose my sleeve is just my sleeve, it's now part of me along with the new way of eating. She just needs to adjust to my new normal and make it hers in relation to me :-)))))

Girl I think you got this!!

[LeanerLena5426 61]

She's probably just insecure, and the digs are coming from that place. It could be her own self-image (either her own weight, or feeling threatened because you're no longer bigger), or it could just be because of her dad. I think you should just tell yourself that whenever she makes one of the digs--it's her, not you. She feels threatened by the fact that you're losing weight. And if you can't stomach it anymore, maybe confront her directly by saying something like "You seem to be very threatened by my weight loss. Is there something you'd like to say to me? I'd prefer you were direct, rather than making passive-aggressive comments like that." That'll either shut her up, or she'll come out with what's bothering her. Hang in there! Remember, it's her issue, not you!

[Madam Reverie 2,958]

Personally? How close are you to this lady? Is she like your BFF? May I ask if there has been competition between you two in the past? Weighty silences that have spoken volumes because of issues which have never truly been resolved?

Not that I've had exactly the same problem (because I'm yet to have surgery), but most certainly, some times people who are closest to me have a habit of touching raw nerves. This is primarily due to a mixture of my hyper-sensitivity and belief that they should KNOW that I'd be touchy about a certain subject and their belief that they can say what they please because they're my friends.

If you were looking at these comments objectively and in the third person, you'd probably think 'eh? I'm being a little sensitive here.' But it's different when you're in it. There are a million ways of dealing with these situations if they are grating on you - and all have varying results. In my personal opinion, I always find a bit of humour works. Humour mixed with sarcasm can be even wittier whilst getting your point across, but you have to feel comfortable with the delivery.

If it was me, I'd err towards 'Yes, yes, I need a meal for a munchkin. Ideally to be consumed whilst situated by a mirror in the restaurant, so whilst I'm not eating my meal I can watch my ass disappear by the second which should provide you with endless amounts of entertainment for? All of 5 minutes?'. Deploy an over-exaggerated yawn, smile, wink and say 'Are we done with all this weightloss commentary now?!' Then watch either for a nervous laugh (in shocked, but friendly feigned collusion) or a huge back-track with blustery burbles of 'oh, I didn't realise'. I'd hazard a guess it's going to be the first one, as this chick appears to think she's funny....

By making out that her humour is banal or tiresome and that you're much funnier because you can 'quip it away' rather than get all deep and meaningful on it, she'll realise she's actually as funny as syphilis. Consequently, if you think her utterances are from a 'resentful place' she'll have to find another way to go about making her digs, or come out and say it straight. Either way, by batting it away with sarcastic humour will let her know that a) her digs haven't gone unnoticed you're finding it tiresome and c) she's going to have to get up far earlier in the morning to bring you down again.

I know this is not the desired approach for some. However, the idiom 'There's many a true word spoken in jest' wasn't pulled out of thin air and in this instance, cuts both ways.

Go get 'em, tiger

[Indigo1991 1,612]

Loopy, you hit the nail on the head with the passive-aggressive thing. It's like grasping sand - if I raise it, she will be offended as she will ask what has she said that was awful/wrong. So I will see how she reacts when she sees me on Tuesday...

Madam Reverie, I have just stopped laughing but I don't disagree with a word you said - I just love the comment about watching my ass disappear in the mirror!!!! Humour usually works with most people but the more I read everyone's replies and think about the situation, the more I realise it's her problem not mine. I am going to carry on being me and if she can't cope with the changes in me, then she's not the girl I think she is. But I will speak up if any more is said. If it was anyone else, I wouldn't take the crap...

Thanks for all the responses, feel better already about seeing her :-))))