STRESSED & SCARED

[Tanyac 31]

I'm getting bigger and bigger by the day.. stepped on the scale and it read 322 lbs. I'm dying on the inside and out. My DH sees my face and his heart is breaking for me, all he says is "this is why we're doing this baby".

I'm not gonna sit here and say that I've been doing any sort of diet, because I can't. I've been eating the things I'll never eat again. As I eat it and taste it I look at the food and think how the hell did I do this to my body!? For this? I gave up so much of my life to my fat? I don't know what is wrong with me, I'm in so much pain my body is screaming at me every time I move. I hurt when I lay down too. My biggest fear is that I'm going to be this way always, that the surgery isn't going to work. I'm scared that I'm so friggin huge that even after the surgery and after I lose some weight it won't be enough to be in a normal size. I'm tired of being stared at I'm exhausted of feeling like a failure and a quitter. I've done and failed every diet I've tried. I just want so bad for this to work I want the hunger to go away. I want to eat just to survive. I really want this action to be a goodbye letter to my finding comfort in the 5 minutes of flavor in my mouth. Like it's the solution to every problem in my life. Oh you're mad? What do you want for dinner?

I think deep down that I just maybe can't string positive thoughts about my body image because I've always doubted myself. I really want that size 8 has anyone ever gone from 322 to 150? Is this even possible? I'm also scared to death of being a deflated fat girl. I'm afraid that I'm still going to be out of energy just from going up the stairs and walking. Im scared that I'll still be in pain and I'll be in bed because it's hard to be active. I'm sorry I know I'm whinging and this all sounds so negative but it's been a hard day this is the day that I have honestly been my biggest and I'm tired of seeing the number go up. Please get here 10/7!!!!

Thank you for reading. I'm very grateful that this site exists.

[LBD 121]

I can relate, I am pre-op and have a BMI of 44, so I'm feeling a lot of what you are describing here. I think that once we see that scale go in the opposite direction we'll realize that we can do this! There are many people here who have lost that amount of weight so it can be done!!! I know personally, that going through traumatic loss has triggered a lot of emotional eating over the past two years and the last 30 pounds have pushed me over the edge...now the pain has been a huge factor in my daily life. We can and we will feel good again! Surgery should also be sometime in October.

[AtlantaRed 651]

I hope it's possible to go from 322 to 150! I'm not too far off of that!

I'm not sure what size it will be, I'd just like to have a normal BMI. I'm hoping to have my surgery in December.

I'm actually ok being a deflated fat girl. The loose skin will weigh much less than the inflated skin! I was extremely active at 250. I was exercising 2-3 hours a day, doing hikes that took me more than 2 hours a day and loved every minute of it. The weight I lost krept back up. It's this last 15 or 20 that has made my knees and feet and back...etc, hurt and unable to get back outside.

I'm sure even the initial 20 to 30 pounds will make us feel much better on our feet. Find an activity you really enjoy. Walking on a treadmill is a chore for me. I love being outside though and a nature trail is easier on the feet than a hard sidewalk or street.

The sleeve will do its job. Just need to be ready to do yours. I'm not there yet but seems like the drinking while eating is the biggest slip up, allowing the food to pass through faster and making us hungrier sooner. I wouldn't count on not being hungry again, for some it does (and I hope it does for us too!) but you would feel defeated if it didn't turn out to happen. At least know, even if you are hungry, it will take much less to fill you up! I think I will definitely measure my food and do the suggested amount, whatever that is by my doc. I think the saying "just because you CAN eat more doesn't mean you SHOULD" is an important one. So, if we "should" be full enough with 2 or 3 ounces in the beginning, lets measure our food and make sure we stop there! Let's not worry about saggy skin, a number on the back of our jeans, and let's Celebrate every day that we weigh less and we are able to move more!

Yay us!

[BettyLou2013 13]

Hey Tanya! I am less than two weeks post-op and have lost 20 pounds. Altogether I've lost 56 pounds since January 2013. It's been a rough road so far but so worth it! Make sure you have a strong support system before surgery. My sister is my bestie and I thank God she was there for me with every step.

I still get strong food cravings and I have to tell myself NO! I remind myself why I've come this far and that I'm not even half way there to my goal yet. The surgery will help control your physical eating but not your mental eating habits. Start finding activities that you can occupy yourself with before and after surgery. I never realized how strong of a hold food had on me until I couldn't eat it when I craved it. I was so emotionally attached to it...really sad. I just remind myself that this time next year I will be healthier and happier riding all the fun rides I've been missing, swimming,biking,hiking and yes good will still be there but it won't control me any more! I will eat but balance the food with all of my new activities.

You're headed in the right direction. You will have your ups and downs but stay strong and keep pulling thru. Remember why you're doing this. :-)

Good luck and God Bless.

[leslie1958 159]

Bless your heart - and a truly honest heartfelt posting too. You echoed an awful lot of how I feel too. You are just having a particularly bad day, it won't look as bleak tomorrow. My moods go up and down like a yo-yo. One day I'm totally jazzed and my surgery date can't get here quick enough (it's 2 days before yours by the way 10/5) where are you going ? I'm headed to Tijuana. Then another day, I'm feeling as bad as you are today, everything is gray and the surgery won't work for me and so on. The surgery will work for you, you will start to feel better and lighter and optimistic !! Hang in there xx

[No game 14,437]

Tanya,

The best thing I can say is STOP. Instead of looking at it like you will never have these things,

Look at it as you are finally getting real help.

When I got my date I felt a sense of peace knowing this prison I was living in was now to be only temporary. I woke up each new day knowing help was on its way. Don't fall now you are so close! Be kind to yourself, know that you are doing a loving thing for yourself and there is no need to beat up on yourself anymore.

The eating or food funerals?

As I have said here many times I did one (ice cream) can't even remember the flavor but it was a pint... After I didn't feel good special or anything really, just kind of crappy and knowing o just added to the total I needed to lose.

Start tomorrow you just need to make little changes. Don't eat with the mentality that you will never see this food again.

[On A Mission 3]

I was feeling pretty overwhelmed before my surgery as well. I found out two days before my surgery that nothing was off the table on a permanent basis. It really surprised me as I have family members who went the bypass route, and there are some things they will never be able to eat again. Not so for us. For sure there are things we cannot eat while we are in the weight loss stage and expect to be successful. But otherwise we will be able to have our favorites again someday, only in moderation. I am happy with that! I will be able to order my favorite foods in and wont be able to eat it all, but that's okay! I will just be able to have it again the next day and possibly the next! I have had absolutely no buyers remorse. I am only out 3 1/2 weeks, but I couldn't be any happier with my decision. Motivation can be found all over this site with the success of our fellow bloggers!

[Tanyac 31]

Thank you all for your responses. I'm so grateful to have the feedback. I'm very excited about the "full feeling". I know that my cravings may or may not go, I'm just going to have to deal if they don't. I'm looking forward to exercising again, I live in Chicago and I used to run along the lake and loved it. I agree even when I was 250 I felt fabulous and I looked pretty okay too As far as the "deflated fat girl" thing goes, it's mainly because I've always had big boobs & curves and I've grown attached to them over the years and I feel like besides the food it's another comfort I'm giving up. My DH said he will "buy" me some if they go away and he assured me that we will have a "tit" jar (sorry if this offends) that all the money I save from going out to eat and my "treats" will pay for a mommy makeover and even if i didn't I'll be happy to be saggy and feeling great. I'm planning on doing a lot of working out I'm looking forward to reintroducing food into my life, I like the fact that my taste buds will change. My fear is that everything with be the same I know it's irrational. it is just a bad day

I'm self-pay because my insurance doesn't cover wls. Just wait till they get the bill for my new knees (I'm also emotional because I suffered from endometriosis for many years and I recently had a total hysterectomy (including ovaries) and I gained some of this weight as a direct result of being in menopause) I'm going to Colombia S.A. for the surgery. My surgeon is Dr. Cure in Barranquilla. I'm very lucky that I have family in Colombia that I can stay with and I'll be with my DH as well.

I didn't mean to sound vain about being a size 8, it's just a number just like the scale, I know that the numbers on the lab results are the most important. It's just a dream to be a size 8 if you've never been there

thank you all again for listening to me, I promise to pay it forward! I feel so much better now knowing i'm not alone in this.

i don't want to go back to the food. i really never want to see it again. I'm happy to leave it behind. I'm just praying that I'm strong enough in my convictions.

[kshepa 77]

Yes, it's possible to go from 326 to 150. But dont expect the surgery to do that by itself. I'm sure you've heard it before, but it's a tool that still needs accompaniment of exercise and healthy eating habits. And the physical pain should subside or maybe even disappear as the pounds come off. But, you're gonna have to put up with some discomfort for awhile as you start to exercise, and that will get better, too!! And never forget we're here for you!!!

You can do this. You may benefit from some counseling also as you embark on this journey. food addiction is very powerful addiction. And you may go through the stages of grieving for it when it's gone.

These have all been my experiences. We are all different. But I heard my voice of the past in your post and it made me want to reach out to you!!

I am 57 years old, had BMI of 50, now 30. Went from 317 to 194 and still losing. My surgery date was 5/12/2012. Here's my latest before and after pics. I've never posted them before, but just doing it to encourage you.

Before

[Tanyac 31]

OMG! thank you so much! I really needed this Y'all! K you look amazing!! All I can say is WOW! Yes, I agree, counseling is in my future and you're absolutely right Laura-Ven I do need to stop already I'm very blessed that I'm about to have this surgery and all the support I'll have with it. thank you again y'all, I feel a lot better already.

[Mrs.FullerRN 189]

OMG! thank you so much! I really needed this Y'all! K you look amazing!! All I can say is WOW! Yes' date=' I agree, counseling is in my future and you're absolutely right Laura-Ven I do need to stop already I'm very blessed that I'm about to have this surgery and all the support I'll have with it. thank you again y'all, I feel a lot better already.[/quote']

Just wanted to say you are drop dead gorgeous at 300 something pounds..I can't even imagine how stunning you will be as you lose pounds and feel better about yourself

[Tanyac 31]

Thank you Mrs.Fuller, I think we kinda look alike and i have to admit that in this pic i had professional hair and make up done. I won a contest, I am not one of those lucky housewives from Bravo tv that has people come to the house every day lol

[Mrs.FullerRN 189]

Thank you Mrs.Fuller' date=' I think we kinda look alike and i have to admit that in this pic i had professional hair and make up done. I won a contest, I am not one of those lucky housewives from Bravo tv that has people come to the house every day lol[/quote']

I basically could have written your original post. I'm terrified that in 30 years someone will say "well we could have fixed it if you had an entire stomach but since you only have a sleeve you're going to die now." I had a nightmare about it.

However, I am a firm believer in quality vs quantity. My weight affects every aspect of my life. I know I'll be a better mom, wife, nurse, friend and most importantly ill be a better ME, for ME after surgery.

Ill be getting sleeved here in a few weeks two. Cheers! We got this!

[Pattie1966 35]

I'm getting bigger and bigger by the day.. stepped on the scale and it read 322 lbs. I'm dying on the inside and out. My DH sees my face and his heart is breaking for me' date=' all he says is "this is why we're doing this baby".

I'm not gonna sit here and say that I've been doing any sort of diet, because I can't. I've been eating the things I'll never eat again. As I eat it and taste it I look at the food and think how the hell did I do this to my body!? For this? I gave up so much of my life to my fat? I don't know what is wrong with me, I'm in so much pain my body is screaming at me every time I move. I hurt when I lay down too. My biggest fear is that I'm going to be this way always, that the surgery isn't going to work. I'm scared that I'm so friggin huge that even after the surgery and after I lose some weight it won't be enough to be in a normal size. I'm tired of being stared at I'm exhausted of feeling like a failure and a quitter. I've done and failed every diet I've tried. I just want so bad for this to work I want the hunger to go away. I want to eat just to survive. I really want this action to be a goodbye letter to my finding comfort in the 5 minutes of flavor in my mouth. Like it's the solution to every problem in my life. Oh you're mad? What do you want for dinner?

I think deep down that I just maybe can't string positive thoughts about my body image because I've always doubted myself. I really want that size 8 has anyone ever gone from 322 to 150? Is this even possible? I'm also scared to death of being a deflated fat girl. I'm afraid that I'm still going to be out of energy just from going up the stairs and walking. Im scared that I'll still be in pain and I'll be in bed because it's hard to be active. I'm sorry I know I'm whinging and this all sounds so negative but it's been a hard day this is the day that I have honestly been my biggest and I'm tired of seeing the number go up. Please get here 10/7!!!!

Thank you for reading. I'm very grateful that this site exists.[/quote']

I have the same fears. I weigh 313 lbs and everyday is a struggle. It hurts to walk, hurts to lay, hurts to breath on most days. When I decided to have this surgery done ( going on 9-13) it was because I decided that if I have to keep living this way I dont want to live at all. It's not living really. It's going through the emotions and pretending your life is great when in all honesty it totally sucks.

We are going to have this surgery and we are going to become healthy again and glad to be alive. We are going to do great with the surgery and great things with our lives. We can do it because we have to. Best of luck to you.

[DeniseM 238]

I started at 339 and in just 3 months I am down a total of 75 pounds (19 on the two-week pre-op diet and 54 since surgery) I didn't tell anyone except my boss and my immediate family that I was having surgery because I was afraid it wouldn't work and they would judge me. What I credit my success so far to is following my doctors plan precisely. I did not cheat one time either pre-op or post op. I ate ONLY the foods on my list during my five week post-op period and now while I do have occasional treats, I always get my 80 grams of Protein and 64 ounces of Water first before I put anything else in my mouth. I have made taking care of myself my first priority when before it was my last priority. I had some issues with one of my incisions not healing and then having my gallbladder removed so I have not exercised much more than walking (I paid a lot of money for personal training sessions and I have not been able to use most of them due to my health issues) but starting next week I will be focusing on my fitness for the first time in 20 years, which I am excited about. My only regret is that I did not do this sooner!