total blindside.

[gia24 85]

I knew my husband was having a hard time with my choice for WLS, in the past when we discussed my having wls he'd be less than enthusiastic and downplay it, basically saying I was all talk and wouldn't do it. But he seemed to come around and was supportive, we had some heated conversations, mostly since he thought I'd leave him once I lost my.weight, which I have no desire to, before I love him, yes he is a big guy but I've always been attracted to men like that. I told him, I love him and only him and would never leave him, he seemed to come around and be ok and we'd be ok again. Towards the end of my requirements and pending approval of my surgery it was harder on him I could tell but he was still supportive, we talked about vacations we'd take, more family pictures, renewing our vows and having a baby of our own Adobe muy weight and PCOS made it hard to conceive, and all the things I was afraid to do because of my weight, I was happy and excited about our new life together

But I didn't talk about my Surgery or fears, because I knew his fears were bad too.

So my Surgery was August 19, and in the hospital and home he has been pretty good about getting with the kids, but I handle myself and do most things for myself, but getting out of our new bed which is lower to the ground is challenging at times.

But the last few days he's been distant, and suddenly last night before bed, he just says he is leaving, because he doesn't want to be left and that he knows I'll leave once I've lost my weight. He then got out of bed and went outside to smoke. I was shocked and devastated, I love him, been in love with him for 8 years, we were just about to file the paperwork for him to formally adopt my children from a previous marriage, and now he says he is leaving since he can't handle being left.

My children are involved, they love him deeply and that's their dad and that's my husband, I can't believe I'm not even 2 weeks out and get this dropped on me. He had been asleep all day so I haven't been able to talk to him, I want to go to therapy to try and reassure him and work.through this, I don't want to lose my marriage because he has fears of something I'll never do, or because he's heard other people did that to their spouses once they lost their weight. That's them, not me. I think his so called friends have been telling him this bs and to expect the worst. It's crazy how can people try to destroy a family and put more fear and doubt in a man at a time like this. My husband does have a history of depression, PTSD and bi polor disorder but it's been managed, but I do think he stopped his meds because he wouldn't do this to me otherwise.

If I can't get him to see reason or go to therapy there isn't anything I can do. I'm lost and hurt.

[SLF1027 136]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think therapy would be a good idea if your husband would agree to go. It sounds like he has some self confidence issues he needs to work through as well. My husband had the same reaction initially and I told him that I hadn't chosen him to spend my life with because I was fat and couldn't get anyone else. I chose him because I love him. I'm still pre-op myself (9/11 is go day!) but I've been trying to remind my husband that I love him more often so that he doesn't feel like it's all about me or left out. I think it's helping. Perhaps if you can calm him down and bring him back to reason, you can do little things each day to remind him how much you love him.

I hope that no matter how his situation ends, you find happiness and have successful weight loss journey.

[MissErika 65]

Wow, this is awful and I am so sorry you are going through this.

I am not experienced in this area because I've never been married but I understand your husband's insecurities. My friends have had that same problem and my mother told me my father had similar insecurities when she tried to lose weight recently. Reassure him and point out all of the things that you love about him. Explain that you did this to be healthier so you can be here longer for him and your children.

At the same time, you just had major life changing surgery and he probably doesn't realize that his insecurity is keeping him from being here for you and showing support. I am sad to hear that he wants to leave the marriage over something so positive in your life but I'm sure it was irrational thinking. Ask him why he feels this way.

Also, as someone who previously was medicated for depression and PTSD - it is very important that he takes his medications exactly as perscribed otherwise all of his symptoms and more will come back. If he has problems or symptoms from the medication he doesn't like he needs to talk to his doctor/therapist.

Good luck with everything and stay strong. I send you many wishes and please keep us updated.

[kimikat3 150]

I just posted a very similar post! I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I too have been very much blind sided with this same devastating news. It's so very hard not to take it personal and wonder what I did wrong, or what I didn't do right. I started therapy this past week because I was having major anxiety/panic attacks. I could barely make it to work and get anything done. It's been absolutely devastation to say the least. Just know that you are NOT alone in this....

[gia24 85]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think therapy would be a good idea if your husband would agree to go. It sounds like he has some self confidence issues he needs to work through as well. My husband had the same reaction initially and I told him that I hadn't chosen him to spend my life with because I was fat and couldn't get anyone else. I chose him because I love him. I'm still pre-op myself (9/11 is go day!) but I've been trying to remind my husband that I love him more often so that he doesn't feel like it's all about me or left out. I think it's helping. Perhaps if you can calm him down and bring him back to reason' date=' you can do little things each day to remind him how much you love him.

I hope that no matter how his situation ends, you find happiness and have successful weight loss journey.[/quote']

Congratulations on your surgery date. And I'm going to do my best to talk to him and get us into therapy, and if he won't go, I'll have to go myself because I'll need to help for whatever is going to happen now.

[wannabaloser 59]

I can understand in a way.

My husband and I got together when we were teens. I never considered myself pretty but I had guys ask me out all the time. Some would do it in front of my husband.

I was young and dumb and would throw it in his face all the time and tell him I could get anyone I wanted so he better do what I wanted.

When I started looking into WLS he brought all that up and asked if I was goimg to leave as soon as I was curvy again and men were asking me out again.

Basically all I can do is tell him if I was going to leave I could have done it then or in the last 16 years. Being fat is not the only reason I am with him. I dont need a man to be happy and I don't have to be thin to have a man.

I told him I love him and that would never cross my mind.

You can only reassure him daily that you love him. Make him part of your weight loss. Eat healthy and exercise together. If he is too overweight ask him if he would like to get the surgery also so he doesn't feel left behind.

Show him how much you and the kids need him. Sometimes, at least for me, its easier to write everything down in a letter. That way you aren't embarrassed to say something plus you think of things you wouldn't have talking. Its also just your thoughts without anyone elses thoughts to derail you.

Maybe you can write him a heartfelt letter and tell him everything that is bothering you plus everything you love and need about him.

I hope some of this helps.

[gia24 85]

Wow' date=' this is awful and I am so sorry you are going through this.

I am not experienced in this area because I've never been married but I understand your husband's insecurities. My friends have had that same problem and my mother told me my father had similar insecurities when she tried to lose weight recently. Reassure him and point out all of the things that you love about him. Explain that you did this to be healthier so you can be here longer for him and your children.

At the same time, you just had major life changing surgery and he probably doesn't realize that his insecurity is keeping him from being here for you and showing support. I am sad to hear that he wants to leave the marriage over something so positive in your life but I'm sure it was irrational thinking. Ask him why he feels this way.

Also, as someone who previously was medicated for depression and PTSD - it is very important that he takes his medications exactly as perscribed otherwise all of his symptoms and more will come back. If he has problems or symptoms from the medication he doesn't like he needs to talk to his doctor/therapist.

Good luck with everything and stay strong. I send you many wishes and please keep us updated. [/quote']

His insecurities are definitely a factor. I do think he's been off his meds and this is playing a huge factor. He.speed going to his psych Dr and I've notice he hasn't taken his meds regularly like he used to. His emotions have been all over. One day we are good the next day it's like I can't even talk to him without getting my head ripped off. I'm going to talk to him, and get him.to see his Dr, I'm his dual medical and mental POA so I need to get him back on track at least for his sake even if he still chooses to leave I will be better off knowing he isn't suffering without help. But I don't want to be without him. He is my heart and best friend. I think one I can get him back on his meds, he'll realize that I'm not going anywhere.

[Dee White 140]

I knew my husband was having a hard time with my choice for WLS' date=' in the past when we discussed my having wls he'd be less than enthusiastic and downplay it, basically saying I was all talk and wouldn't do it. But he seemed to come around and was supportive, we had some heated conversations, mostly since he thought I'd leave him once I lost my.weight, which I have no desire to, before I love him, yes he is a big guy but I've always been attracted to men like that. I told him, I love him and only him and would never leave him, he seemed to come around and be ok and we'd be ok again. Towards the end of my requirements and pending approval of my surgery it was harder on him I could tell but he was still supportive, we talked about vacations we'd take, more family pictures, renewing our vows and having a baby of our own Adobe muy weight and PCOS made it hard to conceive, and all the things I was afraid to do because of my weight, I was happy and excited about our new life together

But I didn't talk about my Surgery or fears, because I knew his fears were bad too.

So my Surgery was August 19, and in the hospital and home he has been pretty good about getting with the kids, but I handle myself and do most things for myself, but getting out of our new bed which is lower to the ground is challenging at times.

But the last few days he's been distant, and suddenly last night before bed, he just says he is leaving, because he doesn't want to be left and that he knows I'll leave once I've lost my weight. He then got out of bed and went outside to smoke. I was shocked and devastated, I love him, been in love with him for 8 years, we were just about to file the paperwork for him to formally adopt my children from a previous marriage, and now he says he is leaving since he can't handle being left.

My children are involved, they love him deeply and that's their dad and that's my husband, I can't believe I'm not even 2 weeks out and get this dropped on me. He had been asleep all day so I haven't been able to talk to him, I want to go to therapy to try and reassure him and work.through this, I don't want to lose my marriage because he has fears of something I'll never do, or because he's heard other people did that to their spouses once they lost their weight. That's them, not me. I think his so called friends have been telling him this bs and to expect the worst. It's crazy how can people try to destroy a family and put more fear and doubt in a man at a time like this. My husband does have a history of depression, PTSD and bi polor disorder but it's been managed, but I do think he stopped his meds because he wouldn't do this to me otherwise.

If I can't get him to see reason or go to therapy there isn't anything I can do. I'm lost and hurt.[/quote']

Speechless omg I'll pray for u AND ur family i'm So sorry to hear tht

[gia24 85]

Speechless omg I'll pray for u AND ur family i'm So sorry to hear tht

thanks Dee.

[kimikat3 150]

Congratulations on your surgery date. And I'm going to do my best to talk to him and get us into therapy' date=' and if he won't go, I'll have to go myself because I'll need to help for whatever is going to happen now.[/quote']

My husband wouldn't go to therapy. I even offered a six month separation, allowing him to do whatever he wanted to do, get out whatever he needed to get out of his system and date whoever he wanted... And told him if after that six month period he still wanted a divorce, then I would sign the papers. He told me there was nothing he needed to "get out of his system" and no one else that he wants to date, he just doesn't love me anymore. It was probably THE hardest thing I have ever had to hear. Ever.

I will never understand any of this. I mean, I know feelings change... But this was suppose to be one of the best times of MY life... It's just hard knowing that I will have to live these moments without him being involved...

[gia24 85]

I just posted a very similar post! I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I too have been very much blind sided with this same devastating news. It's so very hard not to take it personal and wonder what I did wrong' date=' or what I didn't do right. I started therapy this past week because I was having major anxiety/panic attacks. I could barely make it to work and get anything done. It's been absolutely devastation to say the least. Just know that you are NOT alone in this....[/quote']

I'm so sorry for you too. I am taking it personal, how can you not? I'm getting back into a therapy. I already suffer from panic/anxiety attacks so I have meds for that. I just feel like my decision to become healthy and be around for him and our kids longer was a bad thing for him and it's like to him it was wrong. I should have stayed unhealthy and fat, with my health issues. Hopefully I can reason with him get into therapy and resolve our issues. I love him. I.pray your situation goes the way you want it too.

[kimikat3 150]

I'm so sorry for you too. I am taking it personal' date=' how can you not? I'm getting back into a therapy. I already suffer from panic/anxiety attacks so I have meds for that. I just feel like my decision to become healthy and be around for him and our kids longer was a bad thing for him and it's like to him it was wrong. I should have stayed unhealthy and fat, with my health issues. Hopefully I can reason with him get into therapy and resolve our issues. I love him. I.pray your situation goes the way you want it too.[/quote']

Thank you. I think my case is pretty much a lost cause. I have accepted that I can only control my feelings and his lack of love and attraction towards me is not something I can change.

I think if your husband is willing to go to therapy with you, you guys will be just fine.

[gia24 85]

Thank you. I think my case is pretty much a lost cause. I have accepted that I can only control my feelings and his lack of love and attraction towards me is not something I can change.

I think if your husband is willing to go to therapy with you' date=' you guys will be just fine.[/quote']

We'll see. I love him but, you're right I can't control anyone's emotions but my own, and I know eventually I'll be ok. It just sucks, cause the kids will hurt abs that'll hurt me the most.

[SuzyB 182]

I am so sorry to hear this. I will keep you in my thoughts.

[gia24 85]

I am so sorry to hear this. I will keep you in my thoughts.

Thanks, I'll need it.