Dear Diary ....

[PrettyLilButterfly 124]

Day 246 post surgery. Emotions are running on an all time high. Due to health care exchange, will be laid off anytime between now and March. Need to get a jump on looking for work, but bored of the insurance world. Need new challenges. Kids are doing ok. Love how proud they are of me now. How excited they are to see their mom happy. Though...happy in what ways?

My partner of 6 1/2 years is having issues recently with my weight loss. I was down from 239 to 171 last year. Band quit, I moved on. Had surgery in December. (during surgery had hernia repair, that night fell in hospital, tore spleen, almost died). Now I'm down to 139. It seemed so fast. I'm not complaining. I love it. But everyday I get different comments from her to "eat more", "gain weight" "your legs look like chopsticks" "you look pale" "you look sick". Really? Ok I get she has chosen not to have a surgery and lose much needed weight (her current weight is about 265). I love her as she is...but shouldn't she love ME as I AM? Don't think I care anymore. I don't regret anything I've done up to this point in my life.

Biggest issue is how I feel about ME. It's funny how much you can hate your body when you're over weight. I spent each week trying to find something to love about my plus sized body. Ways to find myself attractive. And a few months before my band sugery (sept 2011), I had fallen in love with me. Everything about me. Then during a physical, I find out I'm prediabetic. Oh hell no! There is no way in hell I am living with diabetes. That is when I found out my employer was offering WLS. Didn't think, didn't blink, just signed up. The journey has been...fun? I struggled with the band, no doubt. Grew increasingly tired of dealing with vomitting & getting 'stuck'. Was so thankful for the sleeve. I have been 100% happy physically since.

Now, I look at my body (with clothes/girdle on, thank you jesus for girdles!) and OMG. I'm tiny. I'm a size 8!!!! WHAT? Is this for real? Granted it took until last month to realize I AM HEALTHY. Before, I still saw me as 239. Now I see me..the new me.. No wait, the me i should've been 20 years ago. Then I take the clothes off...WHOA. YIKES. Eww. Can't stand it. Not as much skin as i expected , more so on my arms. Tummy is ok. Inner thighs, eh..saggy. Oh well. Hey look, i DO have ribs! Umm where did my booty go? i've lost my boot! damn. I liked my booty before. Now it no longer exists. Ok..fine, thank god for Booty Panties.

Wait, where are my boobs? When I place my hands where they USED to be, I feel bone. Go down further Dawnie..oh there they are. who moved them? and they fit in my hands now? wow. DD to C. (well B 1/2). That's ok. Bras are cheaper now. Hmm...why don't my shoes fit. My feet weren't fat...but my size 8's are huge. Wow a size 7 now.. OK i can do that. But now I have to buy new shoes (shock! not something I want to do, I loved my current shoes). Let's keep it simple, just buy Tom's in a few colors. Done.

My face is so different. Where are those infamous chubby cheeks? so gone. And what is this under my chin...what am i, a turkey? YIKES. That's fine, just smile alot. Keep your head straight so no one sees that turkey chin!

It's almost as if I need to find the beauty again. The beauty I had just found, she's gone. She's been replaced. Though, I look in the mirror and can't believe I was ever 100 lbs bigge. It's as if I truly was this thin person trapped inside of a large shell of a person. OMG I ATE ME!

So here begins yet another journey in my life. Not a bad one, no. But a journey nonetheless. It's ok. I'm strong, I love me, my kids/partner love me, I have great friends. I'm ok.

[SmilinNC 27]

It was good to read this. I'm just 2 wks post-op & have been thinking the long term outcome. My partner of 6 yrs has been my rock. She is my biggest supporter & biggest fan thru this whole journey. Keep focus & hopefully your partner will begin to understand your changing body.

[PrettyLilButterfly 124]

You are very lucky hun! having a supportive partner is truly a blessing. My family was my rock. my mom, dad, kids & co-workers were my cheerleading squad.

Good luck to you! you made a wonderful lifestyle change.

[TwinsMama 483]

It must hurt to know your partner doesn't seem to be supporting your new you. Especially given that you've done so much to get here. It sounds like it's time for a heart to heart.

We all want to be loved and respected. It's time you tell your partner that negative comments about your body are off limits. Period.

It is going to be that much harder to love your body when you have a negative tape running in the background. Not sure if you have considered therapy for this. Perhaps it's time to try therapy alone and then together.

I was told at a very early age that it is always easier for someone to be pulled down than lifted up. It's about mindset and self-esteem. What it sounds like you want/need now is to be lifted and supported. Your partner needs to be clued in to how much her comments hurt/discourage/frustrate you.

If you discover that she knows and just doesn't care, then you have some decisions to make about not only your relationship but what this models to your kids. I hope this works out for all of you because you've done a marvelous job!!

[PrettyLilButterfly 124]

Thank you so much for the feedback. It's one of those situations that's a double edged sword. She can be so loving and so good to me. But then she opens her mouth..and it just ruins it. I've expressed 10,000X's about the comments. She says I take it too pesonal. Last night she looked at me as we were cleaning the kitchen and said "you need to gain weight already".. umm ? really?

I've tried talking and I do want therapy. However, she is very anti therapy (long history of family abuse from her end). However, I'm a strong believer. At this point the only reason I don't go, the cost. I am in 2 weddings this year (and my kids are in one with me). so money is ridiculously tight until January. Of course it didn't help that I just had to buy back to school clothes/supplies. And I had to go buy new clothes as well.

Still getting used to the changes in my body. Though the scale remains between 137-139, my body is still changing. Pants that fit me last month, don't this month. I'm tired of shopping (wait, what did i just say? LOL, I am NOT a girly girl and do NOT like shopping). So I just buy belts now I have sponsored clothing drives at work. Very successful (remainder of clothing donated to the Human Society). But takes so much work. I do need to host another one, I need some shirts! LOL.

As for you twins mama, your weight loss is wonderful! You have so much to be proud of! continue your beautiful journey.

[SmilinNC 27]

You have such a beautiful spirit about yourself as I'm reading your comments. Just makes me want to throw out to you a cyber hug!! (((((Squeeze)))))

[PrettyLilButterfly 124]

Day 247... Excited for the upcoming long weekend. Biggest event this weekend, I'm FINALLY in a wedding! Deep down I'll always blame the weight for me not having been asked before. Yes, our friends love us as we are...but c'mon, they wan't they're wedding pictures to be perfect... There's always going to be subtle discrimation against weight. Some is outright obvoius, but some not so much. I feel so proud to not be afraid to be in 10,000 pictures this weekend. Of course the 'old' me is praying non end up on Facebook, but it will happen.

I felt so pretty trying on and buying my dress. Of course I'm in complete panick mode because it's a spaghetti strap dress...ummm how the hell do i hide my arms? Which sucks, I'm excited to show off my tattoos (something I DONT do often because of the extra skin, but omg the SKIN! I couldn't find an offordable wrap or shawl. Figure I will go without during the ceremony since there will be minimal movement. But afterwards, SOMETHING is going around these arms. There will be dancing...and wiggling... ok now i've just make myself nervous. Oh lord.

After that fun day of wedding/dancing, sunday, not so fun. need to go pick out/purchase flooring for the house (UGH, DYI project). This is where things get fun. I am very much a DYI gal (thank you dad!), however, my partner, not so much. It's funny. By traditional standards, Im 'femme' shes...well not. (shh don't call her butch, she gets pissed, even though you can tell she's a lesbian from 10 miles away). she depends on me for the DYI or to repair things (here is where I grunt like tim the toolman taylor). But we're hoping to bring up the value of the home and get rid of the HIDEOUS carpet. Thank god we're not starting hte project this weekend (don't think i'm mentally prepared yet).

so not sure if i've mentioned my new obsession with cleaning. (oh wait, i did). Kids got a kick out of me this AM. I finished getting ready, my daughter was still working on her hair. I looked down and saw hair on the floor. So in typical Dawnie style, I grabbed a clorox wipe and began to push my daughter all over the bathroom while I cleaned up the hair and wiped the floor. She just rolled her eyes and said "seriously mom?". Hey it was a mini 5 minute work out. I love this new energy! Though, this week I've been somewhat sluggish. I know it's the Vitamins (i forget to take them, my bad). All I want to do is sleep. I know I won't. I won't allow myself to. Though I pray I can sleep in Monday without guilt.

Well I won't be able to log in this weekend Ms. Diary, but I will be back Tuesday.. until then..Dawnie over and out.

[SmilinNC 27]

Can't wait to hear about the wedding! Ya gotta post a pic of you in the dress Good luck on that flooring job UGH

[PrettyLilButterfly 124]

ok now you're just asking me to be brave! LOL. I have yet to take a full body pic. The old phattie in me refuses (dont get mad anyone, its a term of endearment, not derogatory). Anyway, I need to take a full body pic, the clinic i used for my surgery wants to post my testimonial on their website. Also, I work for the insurance company who approved my surgery, so they want to do a poster...possibly a billboard.. SAY WHAT??

but I will do my best to post a pic. (GULP)

[SmilinNC 27]

Too cute

[SmilinNC 27]

Just checking in. How was the wedding & those floors?

[superstartover 101]

I like the diary entries so raw and real very good info with lots of info

[PrettyLilButterfly 124]

Just checking in. How was the wedding & those floors?

It was amazing! I had the greatest time ever!! the floors...well..umm..ahem...haha we haven't bought the wood yet. I'm putting it off. But we have a few more events the next 2 weekends. After that, I will buckle down and do it. Get it out of the way!